A Man Walks Into a Bar...

[TriggerMan]

...........with a very depressed look about him, sits down at the bar and
rapidly orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn't talking to me for a month!".

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe
that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"

The guys says, "Yeah, but today is the last day."

[TriggerMan]

Humor helps but I wish it lasted longer. Got a little bummed re-reading the Dear Dietrich thread and then some news on a friend. I also think I may have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

My friend is a Certified Massage Therapist and has been struggling with medical issues for the last three months. It had the appearance of mini strokes. It took repeated ER visits and lots of tests to finally get answers. She has a small brain tumor which needs to be removed and is likely suffering from MS as well. She a great gal, about 20 years my junior, has nine (9) kids

She sent me a PM on FB almost apologizing for being hard to schedule. She felt it wasn't fair to her regular clientele to treat them when she was at less than 100% strength. I have seen her about 22-24 times this year but not in the last three months. She says I can schedule a session next week Monday or Tuesday but she won't be 100%. I think I'll setup an hour and take her to lunch.

Count your blessings fellas. Just when I get down, I get hit with a situation that reminds me that I am luckier than most.

Anyone got a good joke?

[tv_racin_fan]

Farmer goes to to town and picks up a goose, a 5 gal pail, gallon of paint and 2 chickens.

Truck breaks down.. SO he is standing outside the service station when an older lady comes up to him and exclaims that she is lost and does he know the way to Mulberry Street. He says yes he knows the way and he will show her BUT they must walk as his truck is broke down.

He says as soon as he can figure out how to deal with all his stuff they will set out. She says well if you put the gallon of paint in the five gallon pail the chickens one under each arm and the goose in the other hand he is all set.

So off they head... They come to this back alley and the man tells the woman that this is his shortcut and that Mullberry Street is at the other end of the Alley and if she don't mind walking thru the alley they will cut off 20 minutes from their journey.

She looks down the alley and back at the farmer and says well how do I know you wont get me down that alley and try to have your way with me?

The farmer says lady do I look like I am in any kind of position to try that?









The lady says well if you put the goose under that 5 gallon pail, the gallon of paint on top of it... and I'll hold them two chickens for ya.

[TriggerMan]

LOL. That's how Col. Sanders got started.

[muggsy]

A friend of mine went to the hospital emergency room with a terrible pain in his right leg. An ultrasound determined that he had a blood clot. If the clot were to break loose and travel to his heart or brain it could kill him. It was determined that the best course of action was to amputate. In the O/R an error was made and his left leg was removed my mistake. Upon realizing the mistake the doctors then amputated the right leg. He did recover, but when he tried to sue the hospital for malpractice the judge through the case out of court. The judge told him that he didn't have a leg to stand on. :)

Ba dump bump.

[tv_racin_fan]

Man has been living with terrible headaches for years. Finally goes to see a different doctor. After exhaustive tests the doctor tells him there is a cure but it is a bit extreme.

He tells him his test icals are pressing against the base of his spine and causing pressure which causes the headaches. Only cure is to remove the test icals.

The man thinks about if for a week or two but decides he can live without the test icals and can not live with the pain any more.

So after the surgery on his way home he decides he feels like a new man and a new man needs a nice new suit.

He walks into a tailors store and the tailor asks him what he needs? The man says I need a suit.. tailor says well sir that would be a 42 1/4 long. Man says how do you know without measuring? Tailor says I been in this business for a long time. Tailor grabs a suit coat off the rack does a slight alteration and the man tries it on and exclaims THIS is the best fitting suit coat I have ever tried.

Tailor says well you need pants to go with the suit coat.. you need 35 1/2 by 30 1/4. Man says how do you know that? Tailor says I been in this business for a LONG time.. Tailor grabs some pants off the rack does a slight alteration and the man says these are the best fitting pants I have ever tried.

Tailor says well you need a shirt to go with the coat and pants..that will be a 27 1/8 inch sleave with a 19 1/4 neck. Man says how the heck do you know this? Tailor says I been in this business a LONG time. Tailor grabs a shirt off the rack does a slight alteration and the man says this is the best fitting shirt I have ever tried.

Tailor ask would you like some new underwear to go with that? Man says yes sir I need 34 Tailor says oh no you need 36.. man says I been wearing 34 for a LONG time.. Tailor says you don't want to do that sir.. it will restrict your test icals causing them to put pressure on the base of your spine giving you he lla headaches....

Moral of this story is ALWAYS get a second opinion... :p

[yqtszhj]

Those made my day.

[TriggerMan]

"I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Minnesota,
near the Canadian border. She said that, since early this morning, the snow has been nearly waist-high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is
increasing to near-gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let him in."

[jeepster09]

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**







**'Hello?'**


**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**










**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**










**After a brief pause,**










**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**










**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**










Brief Pause.









**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**









**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**








**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**








**'I did it, Daddy.'**








**'And what happened, honey?' **






'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**










**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**










**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**










**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**










**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**










**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**










*****Long Pause*****











*****Longer Pause*****











*****Even Longer Pause*****










**Then Daddy says,**










**'Swimming pool? ............**










**Is this 486-5731?'*




















**No, I think you have the wrong number........*

[jeepster09]

Do you know the difference between a strip club and a circus ?







at the circus they have.....cunning stunts http://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_laugh.gif

[jeepster09]

A good old Oklahoma boy won a bass boat (http://www.hdforums.com/forum/#) in a raffle drawing.
He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,

"What you gonna do with that? There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."

He says, "I won it and I'm a-gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a big field sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand .
He yells out to him, "What are you doin'?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin'. What does it look like I'm a doin'?"

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Oklahoma a bad name, makin' everybody think we're stupid.

If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your ass!"

[TriggerMan]

Traffic is jammed and nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on my window.

I roll down the window and ask,
"What's going on?"
He says "Terrorists have kidnapped Congress,
and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom.
Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in
gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" I ask.

The man replies, "About a gallon."

[TennSCN]

Last night I went downtown to the big fireworks, music show and pub crawl. As I was headed out the door, last thing I heard from the old gal was, "you better take the bus home if you're going down there drinkin' and all." She was right and I told her I would and I did.


This morning, it was nearly noon before I figured out what that bus was doing in front of the house...

.

[skiflydive]

The difference between fish and meat?





If you beat your fish it'll die...

[JFootin]

The difference between fish and meat?

Well, you could go blind doing the other thing. :rolleyes:




If you beat your fish it'll die...

Well, you can go blind doing the other thing. :angel:

[Mr_D]

Humor helps but I wish it lasted longer. Got a little bummed re-reading the Dear Dietrich thread and then some news on a friend. I also think I may have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder).

My friend is a Certified Massage Therapist and has been struggling with medical issues for the last three months. It had the appearance of mini strokes. It took repeated ER visits and lots of tests to finally get answers. She has a small brain tumor which needs to be removed and is likely suffering from MS as well. She a great gal, about 20 years my junior, has nine (9) kids

She sent me a PM on FB almost apologizing for being hard to schedule. She felt it wasn't fair to her regular clientele to treat them when she was at less than 100% strength. I have seen her about 22-24 times this year but not in the last three months. She says I can schedule a session next week Monday or Tuesday but she won't be 100%. I think I'll setup an hour and take her to lunch.

Count your blessings fellas. Just when I get down, I get hit with a situation that reminds me that I am luckier than most.

Anyone got a good joke?
I was diagnosed with MS in 1983 after some 11 years of testing by the Univ of OR med school. Still going strong although I do have some problems but not enough to keep me from working. Having MS is not usually a death sentence. I did a lot of thinking about my future and decided to do what ever I wanted for as long as I wanted. So far it's worked for me.

[Rotorflyr]

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City.

The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det
vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are
you doing then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to
myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis
ride?".

[KMA]

I love this thread!

[TriggerMan]

Three nuns get into a car accident, and unfortunately die.

They arrive at the pearly gates to find St. Peter there to greet them.
St Peter says, “Welcome to heaven. Before you enter, I have to ask you each a question about the bible. If you answer it correctly, you’ll get into heaven.”

The nuns look at each other, a little nervously as they didn’t expect this. But knowing a lot about the bible and their faith, they all nod an “ok”.

St Peter asks the first nun, “What was the name of the first man?” The nun answered back, “Adam.” St Peter smiled and said, “Correct, sister, enter into paradise.”

The second nun stepped up. St Peter asked “And what was the name of the place the first man lived?” the second nun smiled and said, “The Garden of Eden.” St Peter said “Correct my dear, enter into heaven.”

Now the third nun was their Mother Superior, and she approached St Peter. He said, “Now, since you are a Mother Superior, I have to ask you a tougher question than the first two.” If the elder nun was worried, she hid it well.

St. Peter paused a second, and said, “What was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?”

The Mother Superior stroked her chin as she was thinking about the answer and said “My, that’s a hard one.”
St Peter said “Correct, my dear, enter into paradise.”

[TennSCN]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I’d like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

.

[rholmes69]

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?













A pick pocket snatches watches.

[Hognutz]

I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet.

As we laid there making love, I thought ----

''These taser guns are well worth the money.''

[skiflydive]

Why do Canadians make love doggie style?

So they can both watch the hockey game...

[yqtszhj]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I’d like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

.

Now that one's funny

[Hognutz]

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man came to the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doctor, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, but still nothing. The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yes, none of us could get the jar open.'

[JFootin]

R.O.T.F.L.M.A.O.!!!
http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/laugh.gif

[Hognutz]

The Nun was teaching Sunday school and was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?' Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first'. 'What a wonderful answer!' the Nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your legs.' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. Now,Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?' Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her. The nun fainted.

[Tinman507]

Boudreaux done got older and his childen dun put him in the old folks' home near Breaux Bridge, where he dun met a lovely lady dat were from Texas. Now Boudreaux being a fine upstanding Catholic, he didn't want to do
nutin dat were aganst his religion, no. So he dun propose marriage.

Now both Boudreaux and Mabel wuz well into their 80s.

Mable went and tole everyone at the Senior Citizens home the good news.

Irene, Mabel's best friend, told her that since she was very wealthy and the person she was about to wed was, to say the least, not worth a plug nickel, she should insist on a Pre-Nuptial Agreement.

Mabel was sitting on the porch swing with Boudreaux and she told him she would marry him providing he would sign a pre-nuptial agreement.

Boudreaux dun told Mabel I don' know what dat is but I'll sign anything you want, cause I luv you so much.

Mabel got out her pen and paper and started:

She said: I want to keep my house down in Texas with all the oil wells.

He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my shack on da bayou.

She said: I want to keep my Cadillac, BMW and Lexus.

He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my pick-up truck.

She said: I want to keep my yacht that is moored near my summer home in Padre Island.

He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my pirogue.

She said: I want to keep all my jewelry.

He said: Dat's fine wit me. I'll keep my stuffed deer head.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: Dat's fine wit me. Put me down for Fridays.
:D

[340pd]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

[340pd]

Spent $50 on E-bay for a ***** enlarger..............

Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.!!.

[TriggerMan]

The Nun was teaching Sunday school and was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?' Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first'. 'What a wonderful answer!' the Nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your legs.' The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. Now,Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?' Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her. The nun fainted.

[340pd]

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget.



Furious, she screams,

"You promised you wouldn't cheat again .... !"

The husband replies,

"For f*** sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down ........."

[340pd]

A Irishman walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....




"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."


The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep,
Not a cow."


The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous *****,
You'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

[Tinman507]

Lolol!!!

[340pd]

A man and his wife were watching a TV program on Psychology, when the man turned to his wife and said, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You've got the biggest ***** of all your friends."

[Tinman507]

Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.



After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"



Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next Thursday." :roll:

[ltxi]

A collective great day.....thanks for the laughs.

[Tinman507]

Kinda Liked this one....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1n37eg-lFI

[TriggerMan]

Bob and Fred had just finished 18 holes on the golf course, and were in the locker room changing back into their street clothes.
Bob began to weep and sob uncontrollably as he slipped into a pair of frilly panties and a bra.
Fred says, “My gawd, Bob! What's the matter with you? How long have you been wearing women's bras and panties?”
Bob responds, “Ever since my wife found them in the glove compartment of my car.”

[dirtkicker]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zC1O_WZoKpw

For you AK fans

[Prowler]

Ladies please know its just a joke.

Top 10 reasons to get a Gun over getting a Woman

#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.

#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.

#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.

#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.

#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.

#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.

#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.

#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.

And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman...

#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN !!!

[Scoundrel]

What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers
--but imagine if they did...

------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE:
"Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER:
"What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE:
"It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the
engine."

CUSTOMER:
"Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these
technical terms just to use my car?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE:
"Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER:
"Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE:
"There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings
from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER:
"I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE:
"You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER:
"No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE:
"A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER:
"Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R',
'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE:
"No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the
steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER:
"That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE:
"Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER:
"The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE:
"It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more
gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for
you."

CUSTOMER:
"What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep
buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE:
"What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER:
"It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE:
"What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER:
"I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the
floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even
start up!"

HELPLINE:
"I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER:
"Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to
make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator
pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed."

HELPLINE:
"Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER:
"What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it
didn't work!"

HELPLINE:
"Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER:
"How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE:
"You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next
to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER:
"Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

HELPLINE:
"Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER:
"I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't
crash anymore!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has
automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and
power door locks."

HELPLINE:
"Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"How do I work it?"

HELPLINE:
"Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER:
"Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE:
"Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER:
"I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

[Bawanna]

Dang, I know some of those people.

[LaP]

A guy says to his bar buddy : "My wife cut me down to having sex to twice a week."
His buddy just casually replies: "Hell, I know some guys that she cut out compeletly."

-------------------------------------------------------
And this little gem:




An Irishman walks out of a bar.....


Hey, it COULD happen!!!
:rolleyes:

[340pd]

> "Don't laugh!" said the patient, Calvin
>
> "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
> over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
>
> "Okay then," Calvin said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
> revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It
>couldn't have been
> bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
>
> Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
> laughing to the floor Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to
>his feet
> and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am.
>I
> don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman,
> I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
>
> "It's swollen," Calvin replied

[Cokeman]

What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers
--but imagine if they did...

------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE:
"Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER:
"What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE:
"It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the
engine."

CUSTOMER:
"Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these
technical terms just to use my car?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE:
"Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER:
"Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE:
"There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings
from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER:
"I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE:
"You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER:
"No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE:
"A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER:
"Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed by 'R',
'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE:
"No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind the
steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER:
"That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"

HELPLINE:
"Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER:
"The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE:
"It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more
gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for
you."

CUSTOMER:
"What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep
buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE:
"What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER:
"It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE:
"What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER:
"I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the
floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't even
start up!"

HELPLINE:
"I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the product."

CUSTOMER:
"Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to
make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator
pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's crashed."

HELPLINE:
"Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the car sir?"

CUSTOMER:
"What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it
didn't work!"

HELPLINE:
"Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER:
"How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE:
"You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The pedal next
to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER:
"Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."

HELPLINE:
"Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER:
"I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won't
crash anymore!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE:
"General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has
automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and
power door locks."

HELPLINE:
"Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER:
"How do I work it?"

HELPLINE:
"Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER:
"Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE:
"Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER:
"I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

This is what it's like trying to talk someone through getting their Coke machine running over the phone. Some people can do it and most are idiots. :der:

[CJB]

Guy goes into a doctors office... he's got a steering wheel stuck into the front of his pants. He says, "Doc! Ya gotta help me... this thing's drivin' me nuts!"

[TriggerMan]

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it,
and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it,
and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.

So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start..."