Favorite Dietrich Quotes

[melissa5]

Thunder71 posted his favorite quote in the Dear Dietrich thread and I thought this would make a great thread all by itself. I'm going to start looking back over Diet's quotes and post mine in a little while.

[melissa5]

OK, here's one that tickled my funny bone.

"Kick up your heels,raise those petticoats and ride him like a rented mule.You go girl!!!"

This one was in reply to Bawanna in the original Dear Dietrich thread.

[JFootin]

Bawanna, this needs to become a sticky!

Thanks, Melissa! I inteded to review Dietrich's posts and this got me started.

Here is a beauty!

"I`ve noticed that some of you good people seem to be a little on edge so I will give you some information that will help you to cope with whatever situation that`s putting a bee in your Easter bonnet.
I`m reminded of when I decided to quit smoking eight years ago.Needless to say,I was on edge.I was ready to put my niece`s hamster in the blender.I was mean,hateful and ready for a fight.One Saturday afternoon I decided to wander down to the state farmer`s market in Raleigh to kill some time and buy some fresh fruit and vegetables.When I got there,I noticed that one of the buildings had a sign posted that said something to the effect of "Stressed Out?Nerves on edge? Angry? Find relief inside.$25.00."
Well I went in and explained to the lady about the stress I was feeling as a result of quitting smoking and she said that they could help.I paid my money and they led me into a room that contained a circular pen and they put me inside of it.Then they released little baby ducks in the ring and I got to stomp them to death.It indeed got rid of my stress.Hope this helps you.Happy Easter."

[wyntrout]

Good one! LMAOAROTF!

Wynn:D

[Tinman507]

I liked this one:

"Jocko,with friends like you,who needs enemas?"

[Bawanna]

Bawanna, this needs to become a sticky!

Thanks, Melissa! I inteded to review Dietrich's posts and this got me started.

Here is a beauty!

"I`ve noticed that some of you good people seem to be a little on edge so I will give you some information that will help you to cope with whatever situation that`s putting a bee in your Easter bonnet.
I`m reminded of when I decided to quit smoking eight years ago.Needless to say,I was on edge.I was ready to put my niece`s hamster in the blender.I was mean,hateful and ready for a fight.One Saturday afternoon I decided to wander down to the state farmer`s market in Raleigh to kill some time and buy some fresh fruit and vegetables.When I got there,I noticed that one of the buildings had a sign posted that said something to the effect of "Stressed Out?Nerves on edge? Angry? Find relief inside.$25.00."
Well I went in and explained to the lady about the stress I was feeling as a result of quitting smoking and she said that they could help.I paid my money and they led me into a room that contained a circular pen and they put me inside of it.Then they released little baby ducks in the ring and I got to stomp them to death.It indeed got rid of my stress.Hope this helps you.Happy Easter."

Oh man! I'd forgotten that one. What a funny guy. I've never done the sticky thing but I think the boss would agree so I shall attempt to do that now. Fingers crossed, looking over the levers and switches on the console. Here goes.

[JFootin]

"My father`s people were from the coal mines of Kentucky and my great aunt woke up late one night from the sounds of a ruckus in the hog pen.Seems her husband had come home drunk and was getting romantic with one of the sows.Wasn`t even one of the good looking ones from what I`ve heard."

"Aw hell,don`t worry about apologizing.Most of the guys here wouldn`t notice a dead possum in the toilet, much less a misplaced thread."

"I truly believe with all my heart that the most dangerous creature you can hunt is the female of the human species.:eek::eek:"

Bawanna's response: "Quick! Everyone to the root cellar. Dietrich just pushed the button. "

"Ahh,weddings.I loved to go to them when I was single.Rule of thumb was the uglier the bridesmaids dresses were,the easier it was to get the bridesmaids out of them.I`ve been to weddings where the dresses were so ugly they hit the deck before the rice did.Good times."

"Quote: Originally Posted by Joe_Pike http://kahrtalk.com/images/tigra/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://kahrtalk.com/showthread.php?p=72985#post72985)
Dear Dietrich

Long time listener, first time caller.

I have asked these two questions at various times directed at different people in the past but have never been given a satisfactory answer. Maybe you can help.

1. Why is Captain Crunch's eyebrows on his hat?

and

2. Why does Donald Duck put on a towel after a shower but never wears pants?

Thank you.

Diet's rsponse:
#1. They are not eyebrows.Crunch is a captain in the Lebanese navy and those are actually military insignia.The Captain is a woman for those who didn`t know.

#2. Don is a domesticated duck and has lost his natural ability to shed water.Hence the towel. He has no need to wear pants due to a bitter domestic dispute with Daisy that ended in a Bobbit bobbing.Therefore,he has no need for pants as he no longer has anything to hide.His feathers cover the stump.Best Dietrich. "

[JFootin]

"Quote: Originally Posted by Jeremiah/Az http://kahrtalk.com/images/tigra/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://kahrtalk.com/showthread.php?p=72921#post72921)
Dear Dietrich,

I think something may be wrong with my girlfriend. She gets to breathing funny, makes animal kinds of sounds, gets red in the face & then seems to collapse & cry quietly. Then I get real sleepy. Is her condition contagious?

Diet's response:
No,she`s not contagious and the even better news is her condition is treatable.It is obvious to those of us in the know that she needs a release of sorts and a pet to calm her frazzled nerves.I have heard rumors on the Sci-Fi network that there is a creature that has been developed that may take care of both problems.Scientisits have crossbred an armadillo with a personal vibrator and have named it the armadildo.Get one for your girlfriend as soon as they become available to the general public.She will find a happiness that has as yet been undiscovered along with unconditional affection.You,in turn, will be much more rested and alert for watching wrestling on TV.Best,Dietrich."

"Quote: Originally Posted by Willieboy http://kahrtalk.com/images/tigra/buttons/viewpost.gif (http://kahrtalk.com/showthread.php?p=74084#post74084)
Dear Dietrich,

Why is it that whenever I find something I'd previously misplaced, it is always in the last place I look? It is so frustrating and time consuming.

Diet's response:
Elementary, my dear Willieboy.if you kept on looking after you found it,it wouldn`t be in the last place you looked,would it? "

BTW, where's WillieBoy?

[JFootin]

Because when reading your replies, if you have a mouthful of Coke, you will spit the Coke on the keyboard because you are laughing so hard. :madgrin:


Quite frankly,I`m appalled.This is serious stuff here young lady.Also,you should be well aware that swallowing Coke is far better than spraying your keyboard down with it.Oh,that reminds me of an old Dietrich family adage.
If the stork brings babies,then what brings no babies?
A swallow.


OMG Dietrich,

I think I just soiled my pants have reading you last words of wisdom I am still ROFL!

You mean like this? http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/laugh.gif

[getsome]

Lets face it, Any man that wanted to slather his entire nekid body in Crisco (nekid means you don't have your cloths on and are up to something, naked is what you are in the shower) and then be catapulted over the fence into a prison yard just wasn't NORMBLE!!!...

God I'm going to miss that guy and I make a move that we put a solid gold plaque on his bar stool and retire it in this bar...The man was a legend and there will never be another like him and forever more there will be a big empty space here at the Kahrtalk Bar and Grill...:(....I raise my glass to his memory....

[Bawanna]

Lets face it, Any man that wanted to slather his entire nekid body in Crisco (nekid means you don't have your cloths on and are up to something, naked is what you are in the shower) and then be catapulted over the fence into a prison yard just wasn't NORMBLE!!!...

God I'm going to miss that guy and I make a move that we put a solid gold plaque on his bar stool and retire it in this bar...The man was a legend and there will never be another like him and forever more there will be a big empty space here at the Kahrtalk Bar and Grill...:(....I raise my glass to his memory....

That right there is the plumb solid truth. I don't think they even used a mold on him, they made him free hand. One of a kind.

[yqtszhj]

Bawanna, you got the one I remember most:

Dad: Say something nice to your cousin Shirley
Dietrich: For a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.
Cue sound of Head slap.

That was his signature line when I joined this bunch of nuts here at Kahrtalk. I knew he was a winner then.

[Jeremiah/Az]

He was the funniest man I ever knew. Well, it felt like I knew him.

So Long, ol' Friend.

[JFootin]

"Jocko,with friends like you,who needs enemas?"

"Daisy Dukes are what I call my old cut off jeans.And I`ll be the first to say...

I`m too sexy for my jeans,too sexy for my jeans,you know what I mean?:D"

I`m so old... My Social Security number is 4.
I have hemmorhoids older than some of the members on KahrTalk.
When I get "excited" nothing comes out but dust.

[JFootin]

I can`t remember if I`ve told this one before but if I have PARDON ME!!

Ms Irene was the organist at the First Baptist Church for 38 years.When she posted the notice that she planned to retire in the church bulletin,the congregation was dismayed.They went to the preacher and asked him to go see Ms.Irene in hopes he could persuade her to reconsider.The church won`t be the same without her beautiful organ music,they said.
So,being a good Baptist minister,he dropped in on Ms.Irene to have a talk with her.She invited him into her music room/parlor where she practiced on her own Wurlitzer.As the preacher sat down he was horrified to see a fishbowl on top of Ms.Irene`s Wurlitzer that had a condom floating in it.He tried in vain to stay on topic but the thought of the condom in the fishbowl was more than he could bear.Unable to tear his eyes away from it he finally asked,"Ms.Irene,what is that you`ve got in your fishbowl?'
She replied,"Well,I don`t rightly know.I found that thing while I was taking a walk in the park and the package it was in said to keep it moist,place it on my organ and it was sold as a preventative of disease.It must work because my arthritis hasn`t bothered me since I put it up there."