March's Mayhem and Mindless Matters

[getsome]

Just thought I would help Bawanna out and get this party kicked off, ya'll know how forgetful he's getting in his old age....

Note to Jocko, I got my horses head yesterday and have sent it out to get it stuffed and made into a lamp...Only question is why did you have to kill Mr. Ed???...

Ok boys and girls I'm going to go see Act of Valor this weekend with my son and I need some joke material so lets hear um...:D

[Bawanna]

Just thought I would help Bawanna out and get this party kicked off, ya'll know how forgetful he's getting in his old age....

Note to Jocko, I got my horses head yesterday and have sent it out to get it stuffed and made into a lamp...Only question is why did you have to kill Mr. Ed???...

Ok boys and girls I'm going to go see Act of Valor this weekend with my son and I need some joke material so lets hear um...:D

Nicely done Mr. getsome and I love the title, very nice. I would however like to officially point out that today is really the 29th so I didn't officially forget until tomorrow. This is not to say that I would not have forgot, it's merely to point out that the alleged infraction did not occur YET.

Nice idea on the lamp, I have enough for several in every room of the house. Maybe I can get a bunch made and sell em through the Sportsman Guide?

You may have a Mr. Ed look alike as my 7th, 9th and 13th all looked like Mr. Ed as well, I kind of teared up on the first two but didn't get a reaction on the third, I think we become accustomed to these things.

[jocko]

None are Mr. Ed, but they are out of his ancestry. I only want the best horse heads for my "best" friends.

I read todeay tha tif ur born in the state of Michigan (God forbid) on ther 29th of Februrary, then b y law say ur birth date is now March 1. Just sayin.

[Tinman507]

y_PZPpWTRTU

[jeepster09]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared.

The Lord asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes' you would have given all three to me. Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

[jeepster09]

Willlllberr.....

[AJBert]

Gotta tell you all just how smart my grandson is!

I was talking to his momma the other day on the phone and she told me this little story. She had walked into the kitchen to find the boy sitting at the kitchen table with a box of animals crackers scattered all over it, looking at each one carefully.

My daughter watched for a while until she couldn't stand it any more. She asked him what the heck he was doing.

He picked up the box and pointed the the warning and read it aloud, "Do not eat if seal is broken."

[JFootin]

Happy birthday to O'Dell! 17 years old today. One more year and you can start buying alcohol! :biggrin1:

[mr surveyor]

Happy birthday to O'Dell! 17 years old today. One more year and you can start buying alcohol! :biggrin1:



he'd be 84 in Texas to buy a drink:rolleyes:

[JFootin]

Did anyone else encounter a website redirect trying to access the forum web pages this morning?

For quite a few minutes, I would get an almost blank page with this displayed in the top left corner: "by nr_elove" and the address line would say: "kahrtalk.com/cgi-sys/suspendedpage.cgi". All that time, I could go anywhere else on the web without a problem. Very wierd. :blushing:

[Tinman507]

Yeah, I did. Something really odd. Dunno what happened.

[MW surveyor]

Happened to me too! WTH went on with that!

[OldLincoln]

Must be those darned XXXXXX (take your pick) trying to steal the election again!

[Tinman507]

XXXXXXX = Trolls?

[Cornhusker]

Same thing happened here. Wierd!

[getsome]

Speaking of stealing the election what do you folks think about Superpacs... I have to admit that I kept hearing about them but really didn't understand who and what they really are...As I understand it the Supreme Court ruled in 2010 that this type of activity is legal which to me is nothing more that candidate purchasing...

It seems that if you are super rich like Romney and have lots of super rich friends like he does all you have to do is pool tons of money and buy TV ads to carpet bomb all your opponents with every negative thing you can think of no matter if it's true or not...

Now I understand why every other commercial on TV is an anti Newt Gingrich spot which is bought and paid for by Romney's superpac "Restore our Future"...To me this allows the super rich to buy the election by eliminating the competition...

To me this is just wrong and is laying the foundation that the less than mega wealthy candidate doesn't stand a chance anymore and the nominee can be bought and paid for with the expectations of future return favors....Heck with enough negative ads you could make Billy Graham look like a dirt bag....I think this superpac system is going to be the end of real fair elections and should be stopped.....I may be wrong about this and realize it has probably always been going on but now the Supreme Courtjust made election buying legal....What do ya'll think?

[Bawanna]

I heard O bummer was against the whole super pac deal until his teleprompter told him it was a good thing for him, then he changed his tune.

[Tinman507]

Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Fred says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Jerry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Jerry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks, but thiss other guy got sick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he's was berry sorry an' gave me twenties bucks for the cleaning bill!"

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks..."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

[TriggerMan]

Did anyone else encounter a website redirect trying to access the forum web pages this morning?

For quite a few minutes, I would get an almost blank page with this displayed in the top left corner: "by nr_elove" and the address line would say: "kahrtalk.com/cgi-sys/suspendedpage.cgi". All that time, I could go anywhere else on the web without a problem. Very wierd. :blushing:
A liberal minded hacker attending a fine (liberal) institution of higher learning?

[TriggerMan]

Speaking of stealing the election what do you folks think about Superpacs... I have to admit that I kept hearing about them but really didn't understand who and what they really are...As I understand it the Supreme Court ruled in 2010 that this type of activity is legal which to me is nothing more that candidate purchasing...

It seems that if you are super rich like Romney and have lots of super rich friends like he does all you have to do is pool tons of money and buy TV ads to carpet bomb all your opponents with every negative thing you can think of no matter if it's true or not...

Now I understand why every other commercial on TV is an anti Newt Gingrich spot which is bought and paid for by Romney's superpac "Restore our Future"...To me this allows the super rich to buy the election by eliminating the competition...

To me this is just wrong and is laying the foundation that the less than mega wealthy candidate doesn't stand a chance anymore and the nominee can be bought and paid for with the expectations of future return favors....Heck with enough negative ads you could make Billy Graham look like a dirt bag....I think this superpac system is going to be the end of real fair elections and should be stopped.....I may be wrong about this and realize it has probably always been going on but now the Supreme Courtjust made election buying legal....What do ya'll think?You are absolutely correct. The elections are now for sale.

[QuercusMax]

Speaking of stealing the election what do you folks think about Superpacs... I have to admit that I kept hearing about them but really didn't understand who and what they really are...As I understand it the Supreme Court ruled in 2010 that this type of activity is legal which to me is nothing more that candidate purchasing...

It seems that if you are super rich like Romney and have lots of super rich friends like he does all you have to do is pool tons of money and buy TV ads to carpet bomb all your opponents with every negative thing you can think of no matter if it's true or not...

Now I understand why every other commercial on TV is an anti Newt Gingrich spot which is bought and paid for by Romney's superpac "Restore our Future"...To me this allows the super rich to buy the election by eliminating the competition...

To me this is just wrong and is laying the foundation that the less than mega wealthy candidate doesn't stand a chance anymore and the nominee can be bought and paid for with the expectations of future return favors....Heck with enough negative ads you could make Billy Graham look like a dirt bag....I think this superpac system is going to be the end of real fair elections and should be stopped.....I may be wrong about this and realize it has probably always been going on but now the Supreme Courtjust made election buying legal....What do ya'll think?

Three thoughts:

1. Nobody has a chance of being elected president without big money and a big organization, the vast majority of which does not come from the candidate himself. Maybe in the 18th or 19th centuries a "poor guy" theoretically could have run a campaign, but not anymore. For a smaller office, a wealthy person can perhaps throw in a lot of their own money to help tip the balance, but that is no guarantee either. For example, it didn't help billionaire Meg Ryan win the CA governor's race in the last election.

2. It must fill the Democrats with glee to see the Republican candidates trying to knock the stuffing out of each other. Wounds opened now will only be exploited later by Obama.

3. And who is dumb enough to be influenced by anything they see on TV, especially a political ad??? Better yet, who besides the deaf can stand to listen to any of them??? Last election I nearly wore the lettering off the Mute button on my remote.

[wyntrout]

http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/423493_10150651771828415_8532248414_9311600_724500 584_n.jpg


http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/276704_8532248414_920126061_q.jpg (http://www.facebook.com/wwpinc.fans)
Wounded Warrior Project (http://www.facebook.com/wwpinc.fans)
5 hours ago



Photo Friday: Adapt and overcome!

UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who helped us identify this warrior. He's Sgt. Jason Pacheco, a U.S. Marine scout sniper instructor. We still haven't identified the original source of this image, so keep the info coming our way!)


I just saw this and the explanation on Facebook.

Wynn:)

[jocko]

both sides will use super pacs, . not saying it i right buthe playing field will level itself out. I tend not to listen to either side but again, my little mind is made up alread. Negative politics has been proven to work. people tend to feed off of another persons downfalls.

[Bawanna]

I think in the future we should make a non official rule that politics and the current White House resident are off limits in the monthly free for all thread. It's ugly enough through out the rest of the forum, the free for all thread is sort of the last bastion of good and fun stuff and general things that happen in our lives conversation.

I know this is a direct infringement of your first amendment rights and of course no repercussions will occur if anyone totally blows me off and wants to talk politics but it's just a feeble thought from my feeble mind getting feebler ever day.

Bawanna for President. Lets make a difference.

[skiflydive]

+10

[wyntrout]

YES! This should be a Sub-Forum for fun and frivolity... not serious stuff!

Wynn:)

[jocko]

I think in the future we should make a non official rule that politics and the current White House resident are off limits in the monthly free for all thread. It's ugly enough through out the rest of the forum, the free for all thread is sort of the last bastion of good and fun stuff and general things that happen in our lives conversation.

I know this is a direct infringement of your first amendment rights and of course no repercussions will occur if anyone totally blows me off and wants to talk politics but it's just a feeble thought from my feeble mind getting feebler ever day.

Bawanna for President. Lets make a difference.

I have to disagree. He should no more be off limits than my govoner or state congressman. He's human, he seems to like to degrade the affluent at will:blah::blah: Personally I think this form has cut him some slack being 99%of us have no use for him.Not sure u can draw a line in the sand on politics, u either allow it or u totally disallow it. Just sayin:blah:

oops,.me bad, I just wen tback and read the very first thread here and in this case I will go with the humor of this one thread and say it should try to stay that way..

[Tinman507]

I'm having some computer issues but I wanted to weigh in on the presidential campaign and just cast my vote for my guy. Damn, the internet is really slow today or my computer is really messed up.

http://www.loriferber.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/s/c/scan0235_2.jpg

[Tinman507]

For those of us just getting into the whole texting thing on our smart phones here's a little primer for those text codes:

MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES:

ATD - at the doctor.
BFF - best friend fell.
BTW -bring the wheelchair.
BYOT - bring your own teeth.
FWIW - forgot where I was.
GGPBL - gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA - got heartburn again.
IMHO - is my hearing aid on?
LMDO - laughing my dentures out.
OMMR - on my massage recliner.
ROFLACGU - rolling on floor laughing and can't get up.

[Tinman507]

Here are some more Text Codes

BFF – Best Friends Funeral
CBM – Covered by Medicare
CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FYI – Found Your Insulin
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
LOL – Living on Lipitor
LWO – Lawrence Welk’s On
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
TOT – Texting on Toilet
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP – Where’re the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[JFootin]

You're a riot, Tinman! :D:D:D

[jeepster09]

Two Professional Women
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:



Two Prostitutes - $50.00.


A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:



Two Fallen Angels

Seeking Peter -- $50.

[Bawanna]

Well gang, looks like my address will remain the same. Fella that was losing my grandparents 100 acre farm in Missouri somehow fandangled his way out of foreclosure so it won't be going up for auction. Actually kind of a relief and I don't think I could have pulled it off.

I have my people looking for maybe a slightly smaller piece with a liveable house on it. Only requirement is I can shoot anytime I want without bothering anybody.

After going to my range today (1 hour drive each way) only to find it so crowded there was a waiting list I figure my own shooting range is the only right thing to do.

[JFootin]

Well gang, looks like my address will remain the same. Fella that was losing my grandparents 100 acre farm in Missouri somehow fandangled his way out of foreclosure so it won't be going up for auction. Actually kind of a relief and I don't think I could have pulled it off.

I have my people looking for maybe a slightly smaller piece with a liveable house on it. Only requirement is I can shoot anytime I want without bothering anybody.

After going to my range today (1 hour drive each way) only to find it so crowded there was a waiting list I figure my own shooting range is the only right thing to do.

Here's wishing you success in finding that perfect country place where you can shoot your guns to your hearts content! :hippie:

[Bawanna]

Queen's Riddle

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Biden ran in to Sarah Palin out eating one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"
Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

And that is precisely what's going on at the White House

[JFootin]

Good one, Bawanna! :D

Here are some more:

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.
Read below for a laugh!

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman

Solution to the problem in Syria: They want a new Muslim leader…Give them ours.

[Tinman507]

A practical example of how the human mind works.

http://gartalker.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/butt.jpg
Analysis of the above picture can tell us a lot about how different people think.

- For young men, it's a picture of a lady with a nice derriere but only the most observant will notice that she is crossing a street.

- The really observant will notice that she is wearing a thong.

- For older men, she appears to be a respectable woman - with a big ass - on her way to work.

- The perverts among them will imagine her naked.

- Wiser men will ponder the presence of mind of the photographer to take the shot in the face of such beauty and be grateful that they shared it.

- For half of the women, this is an ordinary woman who should not have left home dressed that way.

- The other half will think she is a slut but wonder where she bought that blouse.

- Older women will imagine the misery that the woman's curves will cause by the time she reaches 50.

- But only children, the extremely intelligent, and the celibate will notice that the taxi is being driven by a dog.

[JFootin]

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/laugh.gif

[jocko]

screw the dog!!! shoot it and give it to PETA. I'm a thong man!!!1 I think it is that gal from georgetwon university that Limbaugh called a slut. The purse is full of government paid birth control pills.

[getsome]

Tinman YOU ROCK DUDE....Thats priceless!!!!....Does anyone know what household cleaner to use to clean DR. Pepper off a computer monitor cause I got an big spew mess after that one.... God I love this bar!!!

[JFootin]

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,

Today, you voted.."

[Tinman507]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/roflmfao.jpg

[JFootin]

Bagpipes at a funeral...

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man, and as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together like small and innocent children. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I've never seen nothing' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a guy thing.

[ltxi]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/06/roflmfao.jpg


That would be amusing if it wasn't making fun of a helpless animal in distress.

[mr surveyor]

looks like dinner and a nice jacket, boots and gloves to me

[Tinman507]

http://images.sodahead.com/polls/000100407/polls_roflmao_522_5638_909737_poll_xlarge.jpeg
Is that better?

[ltxi]

Yep....I pretty much don't give a damn when it comes to making fun of people.

[OldLincoln]

^^ Hey Tin, I do see a resemblance there!

[Bawanna]

That would be amusing if it wasn't making fun of a helpless animal in distress.

I don't know, he looks happy and content to me. Actually it might be a she, how does one tell? I don't know much about porpoises.

[ltxi]

I think I'm gonna take a break. Maybe until after the election. All the religious and political crap was getting to me anyway.

[Bawanna]

I think I'm gonna take a break. Maybe until after the election. All the religious and political crap was getting to me anyway.

Funny thing, I've received numerous messages with nearly the same exact message. (Wait! Is it me?) There seems to be a common denominator here.

I thought it was a pretty good day today compared to the last couple weeks where I felt like more of a referee than a member of a gun forum.

This deserves further investigation.

[Tinman507]

Are seals, walruses, sea lions, porpoises political or religious?
I am highly confused.

http://www.playwinningpoker.com/poker/psychology/manipulate/confusion/Confused-Players.jpg

[crazymailman]

Neither, they are delicious!:hungry:

[Bawanna]

Are seals, walruses, sea lions, porpoises political or religious?
I am highly confused.

http://www.playwinningpoker.com/poker/psychology/manipulate/confusion/Confused-Players.jpg

That's about the prettiest gorilla I've seen in a long long time. If we had a beauty pageant for gorilla's she'd win by a landslide.

[DeaconKC]

http://i1208.photobucket.com/albums/cc372/DeaconKC/birthcontrol.jpg

[jeepster09]

A man walked out to the street and immediately catches a taxi in New
York City .

The cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Brian. " ;)

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like
that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete who could have
won the Grand Slam at tennis or played golf with the pros. He sang
like a bird, danced like a star and played the piano . He was an
amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer, remembered
everybody's birthday and knew all about wine. He could fix
anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks
out. But Brian Sullivan could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow... Some guy that Brian."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way in traffic and avoided every
traffic jam. Brian never made a mistake, and he really knew how to
treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back
even if she was wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too. He was the perfect man! No one could ever
measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to
his ****in' widow."

[Tinman507]

I realize politics is a sensitive subject on KahrTalk right now, but can we at least appreciate some political cartoons? There's humor in nearly anything.

If this is offensive, I will or Bawanna can remove but it struck me as very funny.

http://edge.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/634770/80965833.jpg

[Bawanna]

For some reason this evening I find myself wondering if we here at Kahrtalk have members from every state. Wonder how we could tell. I've never heard anyone from Hawaii, is it Hawaii, or Havaii, It's Havaii, Thanks, your velcome.

I think we got Alaska covered. I might have to break out a map and some push pins?

[TriggerMan]

For some reason this evening I find myself wondering if we here at Kahrtalk have members from every state. Wonder how we could tell. I've never heard anyone from Hawaii, is it Hawaii, or Havaii, It's Havaii, Thanks, your velcome.

I think we got Alaska covered. I might have to break out a map and some push pins?checkin' in from the State of Confusion!

[Tinman507]

Pennsyltucky here

http://ruggerjohnnyd.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/pennsyltucky.jpg

[OldLincoln]

Here in the beautiful state of California where it's sunny today. I did hear recently that the state health czars are about to outlaw sunny days because sunshine is bad for your health.

[QuercusMax]

Here in the beautiful state of California where it's sunny today. I did hear recently that the state health czars are about to outlaw sunny days because sunshine is bad for your health.

Don't they already have that covered?

"WARNING: This product contains chemicals known to the State of California to cause cancer and birth defects or other reproductive harm."

[wyntrout]

I got this in an email... it kind of brought tears to my eyes, though:

I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local Mosque.



I was really enjoying myself.







Then the rifle jammed.

[AJBert]

I got this in an email... it kind of brought tears to my eyes, though:

I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local Mosque.



I was really enjoying myself.







Then the rifle jammed.
That's funnay rite thare, I don't care hoo you arr!!!:behindsofa:

[skiflydive]

I got this in an email... it kind of brought tears to my eyes, though:

I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local Mosque.



I was really enjoying myself.





Then the rifle jammed.

This is supposed to be funny? I'm not seeing any humor at all.

[Bawanna]

Was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls sitting at the bar. They both had strange accents so I said "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?" One of them gave me a dirty look and said, Its WALES you bloody idiot!" So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?I get out of hospital tomorrow…..

[jeepster09]

Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess :spider:

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.


Shortly before landing inNew York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs inNew Orleansplease raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.


Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

[Bawanna]

Aw man, coffee through the nasal passages again. You kill me sometimes Jeepster.

[Tinman507]

Good One!

[JFootin]

Funny stuff! :D

[yqtszhj]

Well gang, looks like my address will remain the same. Fella that was losing my grandparents 100 acre farm in Missouri somehow fandangled his way out of foreclosure so it won't be going up for auction. Actually kind of a relief and I don't think I could have pulled it off.

I have my people looking for maybe a slightly smaller piece with a liveable house on it. Only requirement is I can shoot anytime I want without bothering anybody.

After going to my range today (1 hour drive each way) only to find it so crowded there was a waiting list I figure my own shooting range is the only right thing to do.

You are thinking just like me. I was thinking I would love to have some land. Even better if it had 2 hills and a valley (Gully where i'm from) on it. I could clear trees in the valley and have a shooting range already made. It takes me 40 minutes to drive to where I shoot and I'm getting tired of waiting my turn.

I want a place like hickock45 on youtube.

[Bawanna]

You are thinking just like me. I was thinking I would love to have some land. Even better if it had 2 hills and a valley (Gully where i'm from) on it. I could clear trees in the valley and have a shooting range already made. It takes me 40 minutes to drive to where I shoot and I'm getting tired of waiting my turn.

I want a place like hickock45 on youtube.

That's me exactly. Really need a huge piece of property or a Gully. If people hear it they will ***** about it and then you gotta deal with that. I have to drive about an hour, last weekend I drove all the way, first trip with my new membership and I couldn't even shoot. Too many people.

The government should give us all hickock45 ranges as an entitlement.
I can't believe I wrote that.

[JFootin]

"I assert that the cosmic religious experience is the strongest and noblest driving force behind scientific research. ... God Almighty does not throw dice. ... Before God we are all equally wise -- equally foolish. ... My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble minds." --Albert Einstein, who was born on this day in 1879

[OldLincoln]

Interesting to find Kahr Fans on the M1811 Forum (http://forum.m1911.org/showthread.php?t=98758). At first I think they were embarrassed to admit it, but then others outed themselves and it was cool.

I know some here don't like the attitudes of some forums, but I appreciate the helpfulness of this one. I received quite a bit if thoughtful help regarding my follower research from a few who even provided pics. Even the BossMod who PM'd me telling me I posted in the wrong forum let me off with a warning, what a guy!

Really, here we post in whatever works with only a few forums. When you have several parrent forums with sub-forums it's easy to get lost if not there all the time. I had a magazine question so I went to the magazine forum. I didn't even realize it was still in the 1911 category. It should have been in the non-1911 sub-forum. So my bad, the guy was really nice and next time I'll be more careful.

BTW, I have had excellent help and advice from a guy named 1911Tuner who is highly valued on M1911.org. On 1911.com a member named Log Man has pretty good stuff.

[wyntrout]

Dang! is that the Kentucky Flintlock Forum... like the ones they shot on the last Top Shot Show?? 1811... they mentioned the War of 1812 and a lot of Kentuckians armed with the flintlock rifles and pistols.

Wynn:D

[JFootin]

Kids are funny

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room... When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked..
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning...'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible... He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

[crazymailman]

Those are funny:D

[jeepster09]

Walter
President Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he
offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.
" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"


"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the
Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's
actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor,
then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending $ to Brazil to drill for oil, but
America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just
then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that
they will continue after recess.



When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him
his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, What the f*#k happened to Walter?"

[Bawanna]

Oh good one Jeepster. You might want to put on the tin foil hat and lay low for awhile. Be watchful for black helicopters.

[jeepster09]

The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way?
What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community,
and from reaching our full potential as people.
Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb!
You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little s**t on your lap."

[jeepster09]

For all you Idahoeans .....
Copper Wire Discovered

After having dug to a depth of 10

feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of

copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their

ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed,

a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere

just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read:

"California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable,

have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech

communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Wallace, Idaho reported the following:

"After digging down about 30 feet deep in the hillside near the community of Burke,

Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.

Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Idaho had already gone wireless".

[Tinman507]

http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/ROFLMAO-Mao.jpg

[Tinman507]

IF THEY HAD A JEWISH MOTHER

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac , you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER: "Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER: "It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER: "Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica

[jeepster09]

A special birthday this week!! :2eek:
They grow up so fast .....

Our little girl is growing up!!

BIRTHDAY REMINDER

This week we celebrate a special birthday.


Monica Lewinsky turns 50.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday, she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth...:hippie:

[jeepster09]

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in .22 short.:59: I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion or even an in-law because if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time while hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.

That's one of the best pistols in my collection...

[Bawanna]

This just says it all~

Medicare Coverage in a Nutshell

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's
doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders
arrived as well. We are uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly,
either way the results are not good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one specimen tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other tested
positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?,' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend you drop your husband off in the middle of
town. If he finds his way home... Don't sleep with him.

[JFootin]

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/Ticket.jpg

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Barbara, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “asshole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Barbara called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with "OBAMA 2012" stickers.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[crazymailman]

http://www.myemoticons.com/images/emotions/happy/laughing-2.gif

[Tinman507]

New Truck built by a company we didn't bail out.

http://www.gadgetking.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/clip_image001_thumb.jpg

I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, 'Dummy!'
Immediately the radio responded with,

Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States

Damn I love this truck....

[wyntrout]

I got an email... again:

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

[jeepster09]

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14 -16 men's work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got
the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the
blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

[Tinman507]

F16vxcPSgac

[wyntrout]

I wonder how many people were injured or killed because they learned from Disney that animals are cuddly and friendly.

Wynn:D

[OldLincoln]

I read a book recently where eco-terrorists were going to mess up the world to "save the planet". Their goal was to restore everything to it's natural state. At the end, the good guys stopped the master plan at the last second in a remote jungle spot in South America. Instead of killing them, they destroyed all their shelter, food and water, stripped them naked, and left them there to deal with their wonderful nature. The reality of nature is quite different than the fantasy of it.

[wyntrout]

Clancy's Rainbow Six, I believe... something like that. I loved the ending. 'Years later" in another of his books they looked at that area and it had grown over... no trace of humans... or tree-hugging terrorists!

Wynn:)

[Tinman507]

QzXM58qR1Es

[JFootin]

"Let each citizen remember at the moment he is offering his vote that he is not making a present or a compliment to please an individual -- or at least that he ought not so to do; but that he is executing one of the most solemn trusts in human society for which he is accountable to God and his country." --Samuel Adams (1781)

[wyntrout]

THAT is FUNNY! The idiot ought to get bitten, teasing the poor critter! That was my first good laugh of the day!

Wynn:D

[OldLincoln]

Sigh.....

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/3577.jpg

Yeah, that's 1901.....

[TheTman]

I drove an hour to a gun show hoping to see something different from the local ones, and man what a bummer, they had few tables, high prices, and offering ridiculous prices on trade ins. Did get a chance to look at the bump fire stock, and it seemed sturdy enough, I held off buying it until I see how my Maadi RPM is laid out, It has a wood thumbhole stock, but has some pins that are in some weird places and I'm not sure what they are pinned too. The Norinco wood stock came right off and was easily replaced by standard wood AK furniture. Also saw some video of a AK that had been bump fired quite a bit and a lot of the rivets were coming loose and it was generally in bad shape, not sure I want to do that to my Maadi, it's a good shooting long barrel version that is a lot more accurate than the Norinco. Accurate enough to be scoped and used for deer.

[JFootin]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away."I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three weeks later, she became his stepmother!!

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

[yqtszhj]

A blonde died and went to Heaven. When she arrived she met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter: Well if you want to get into heaven you have to pass a test. The test has one question.

Blonde: O.K. What's the question?

St. Peter: The question is, who is God's son?

Blonde: That's easy. It's Andy.

St. Peter: (confused) Andy? Where did you get that from?

Blonde: Duh, from the song. You know, Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.....

[wyntrout]

Hey buddy:

I really need your help on a serious problem.
I have suspected for quite some time that my wife has been cheating on
Me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs
Up; she goes out "with the girls" a lot. I have tried to stay awake to
Look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway,
Last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she
Came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse. Then she
Took her undies out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a
Hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?


Wynn:D

[jeepster09]

Mickey Divorces Minnie...
As hard as it is to believe and after so many years of being together, Mickey Mouse was in fact divorcing Minnie. As they sat in the judge's chambers while the judge read through the plaintiff's case, Mickey's lawyer whispered to him, "Now Mickey, I couldn't put down your reason for wanting a divorce exactly as you worded it to me." I had to use language that was appropriate for a legal document." Mickey then nodded that he understood.

The judge then looked up and said, "Mr. Mouse, It states that your grounds for wanting a divorce is because Minnie is mentally impaired and unstable?"

Mickey then gave his lawyer an annoyed look and said to the judge, in his shrill mousie voice,"No, No No, your Honor! I told my attorney that I want to divorce her because she's F**king Goofy!!!"

[jeepster09]

Are my testicles black?
A young male patient injured riding his Harley is lying in bed in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose when a pretty young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine to me."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"


http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv276/jeepster09/Harley.jpg

[Tinman507]

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[wyntrout]

Good one! My first laugh today. I need some laughs after not winning anything in the lottery last night.

Wynn:)

[JFootin]

Good one! My first laugh today. I need some laughs after not winning anything in the lottery last night.

Wynn:)

Yeah, me too. :( I'm out $10. How about you? :rolleyes:

[wyntrout]

I invested $120 total, but $50 is for the next drawing. I didn't want to drive up to GA again if the thing rolled over again. I had $20 in tickets for that night alone and the rest for two draws. I had the multiplier on 3 of the 5-play tickets. Oh, well, I think I'm still ahead, but I sure could use a windfall for my "prepping"... as in get a realtor to handle this house and we go buy a bunker someplace out of the big-city migration routes. One book said 300 miles from cities.

Wynn:D