ripley16
03-15-2012, 03:57 PM
St Patrick's Day Jokes. Enjoy. ;)
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O ' Leary ' s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O ' Conner looks around and asks, ' Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be? '
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
' Discreet??? I ' m the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me. '
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, ' Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home. '
' Tell him to drop dead! ' , says Murphy ' s wife.
' I'll go tell him. ' says Gallagher.
************************************************** *********
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he ' d just been run over by a train.. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he ' s walking with a limp.
' What happened to you? ' asks Sean , the bartender. ' Jamie O ' Conner and me had a fight, ' says Paddy.
' That little O ' Conner , ' says Sean , ' He couldn ' t do that to you , he must have had something in his hand. '
' That he did, ' says Paddy, ' a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin ' he gave me with it. '
' Well, ' says Sean , ' you should have defended yourself. Didn ' t you have something in your hand? '
That I did, ' said Paddy, ' Mrs. O ' Conner ' s breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight. '
************************************************** **********
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. ' So, ' says the cop to the driver, ' where have ya been? '
' Why, I ' ve been to the pub of course, ' slurs the drunk.
' Well, ' says the cop, ' it looks like you ' ve had quite a few to drink this evening. '
' I did all right, ' the drunk says with a smile.
' Did you know, ' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, ' that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? '
' Oh, thank heavens, ' sighs the drunk. ' for a minute there, I thought I ' d gone deaf. '
************************************************** ********
Brenda O ' Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door .
' Brenda , may I come in? ' he asks. ' I ' ve somethin ' to tell ya ' .
' Of course you can come in, you ' re always welcome, Tim . But where ' s my husband? '
' That ' s what I ' m here to be telling ya, Brenda .
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery '
' Oh, God no! ' cries Brenda . ' Please don ' t tell me. '
' I must, Brenda . Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I ' m sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim . ' How did it happen, Tim ? '
' It was terrible, Brenda .. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout , and drowned. '
' Oh my dear Jesus ! But you must tell me true, Tim , did he at least go quickly? '
' Well, Brenda , no. In fact, he got out three times to pee. '
************************************************** ************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O ' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she ' s in tears.
He says, ' So what ' s bothering you, Mary my dear? '
She says, ' Oh, Father, I ' ve got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night. '
The priest says, ' Oh, Mary , that ' s terrible. Tell me, Mary , did he have any last requests? '
She says, ' That he did, Father. '
The priest says, ' What did he ask, Mary ? '
' She says, ' He said, ' Please Mary, put down that gun.. '
************************************************** ********** **
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, ' Ain ' t no use knockin, there ' s no paper on this side either. '
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O ' Leary ' s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O ' Conner looks around and asks, ' Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be? '
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
' Discreet??? I ' m the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me. '
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, ' Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home. '
' Tell him to drop dead! ' , says Murphy ' s wife.
' I'll go tell him. ' says Gallagher.
************************************************** *********
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he ' d just been run over by a train.. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he ' s walking with a limp.
' What happened to you? ' asks Sean , the bartender. ' Jamie O ' Conner and me had a fight, ' says Paddy.
' That little O ' Conner , ' says Sean , ' He couldn ' t do that to you , he must have had something in his hand. '
' That he did, ' says Paddy, ' a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin ' he gave me with it. '
' Well, ' says Sean , ' you should have defended yourself. Didn ' t you have something in your hand? '
That I did, ' said Paddy, ' Mrs. O ' Conner ' s breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight. '
************************************************** **********
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. ' So, ' says the cop to the driver, ' where have ya been? '
' Why, I ' ve been to the pub of course, ' slurs the drunk.
' Well, ' says the cop, ' it looks like you ' ve had quite a few to drink this evening. '
' I did all right, ' the drunk says with a smile.
' Did you know, ' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, ' that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? '
' Oh, thank heavens, ' sighs the drunk. ' for a minute there, I thought I ' d gone deaf. '
************************************************** ********
Brenda O ' Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door .
' Brenda , may I come in? ' he asks. ' I ' ve somethin ' to tell ya ' .
' Of course you can come in, you ' re always welcome, Tim . But where ' s my husband? '
' That ' s what I ' m here to be telling ya, Brenda .
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery '
' Oh, God no! ' cries Brenda . ' Please don ' t tell me. '
' I must, Brenda . Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I ' m sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim . ' How did it happen, Tim ? '
' It was terrible, Brenda .. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout , and drowned. '
' Oh my dear Jesus ! But you must tell me true, Tim , did he at least go quickly? '
' Well, Brenda , no. In fact, he got out three times to pee. '
************************************************** ************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O ' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she ' s in tears.
He says, ' So what ' s bothering you, Mary my dear? '
She says, ' Oh, Father, I ' ve got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night. '
The priest says, ' Oh, Mary , that ' s terrible. Tell me, Mary , did he have any last requests? '
She says, ' That he did, Father. '
The priest says, ' What did he ask, Mary ? '
' She says, ' He said, ' Please Mary, put down that gun.. '
************************************************** ********** **
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, ' Ain ' t no use knockin, there ' s no paper on this side either. '