APRIL.... Who Could Forget April????

[mr surveyor]

hey, my Mom will be 84 tomorrow, April 1

[Bawanna]

hey, my Mom will be 84 tomorrow, April 1

We need to have a big birthday party for her. Kind of short notice but lets make it happen.


By the way, I guess I forgot April.

[Bill K]

That's great! What a blessing it was when my parents were both alive and in good health.

[ruf45]

A very happy birthday to your mom and hope she has many,many more

[O'Dell]

Forget April? Due to the surgery, I'm still trying to forget January, February, and March.

[Barth]

I'll be working April 1st.
Today too.

April is not looking good - LOL!

Big project goes live start of July.
Combining three companies.
New chart of accounts.
Conversion of legacy systems AP/GL/HR/MM to SAP ERP.

It will be a Circus for me till then.
Batten down the hatches baby - Storm Warning!

[OldLincoln]

Don't forget to set your clocks back tomorrow!

[Tinman507]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

[JFootin]

Check out this man stopper!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/content/119481.jpg
http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/119481.html

[muggsy]

Don't forget to set your clocks back tomorrow!

Ya, right. I almost forgot. ;)

[muggsy]

Check out this man stopper!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/content/119481.jpg
http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/119481.html

For a second there I mistook you for a man who didn't have a shrink ray. :)

[LorenzoB]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Took me a second. Good one!

[crazymailman]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1) June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals. .

3) July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4) July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6) August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7) August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8) August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9) September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10) September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11) October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.

12) October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13) October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME PICK ME!’

14) October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15) October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

[JFootin]

My sides are splitting! http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/laugh.gif

[rwblue01]

Check out this man stopper!

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/content/119481.jpg
http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/119481.html

Only if the TSA sees it.

[MikeyKahr]

For a second there I mistook you for a man who didn't have a shrink ray. :)

I wonder what a pair of Bawanna thins would look like on this manstopper.

[JFootin]

I saw an ad for a new product line on TV tonight. Thought it was a joke, but found the website...

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/AntiMonkeyButtGuy.jpg http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/AntiMonkeyButtGal.jpg http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/AntiMonkeyButtBaby.jpg

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/AntiMonkeyButtBuyNow.jpg http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/AntiMonkeyButtBareEssentials.jpg

http://www.antimonkeybutt.com/

Is this not hillarious? I'm going to buy it! What a humorous oddity to display on a shelf in a bathroom! :D

[Tinman507]

OMG!! I know a guy I need to buy that for. We call him monkey butt.

[JFootin]

They say it was developed for motorcycle riders who sweated riding their Harleys on hot summer days and got the monkey butt as a result. I know some fellas around here that could use this stuff, especially Jocko! :behindsofa:

[wyntrout]

OMG!! I know a guy I need to buy that for. We call him monkey butt.

Dang! he must be a CLOSE acquaintance if you're THAT intimate!:rolleyes:

Wynn:D

[mr surveyor]

I've been using MonkeyButt powder for 5-6 years during the summers. It works pretty good.

[OldLincoln]

Shucks, a cool cushion held in place with duct tape is all ya need!

When programming I would sit for hours without getting up from my chair. I had a very good leather chair but it didn't breath and I sweat seat and back something awful. I finally got a cool cushion and sat on that in the chair and the problem was solved.

[Bawanna]

Shucks, a cool cushion held in place with duct tape is all ya need!

When programming I would sit for hours without getting up from my chair. I had a very good leather chair but it didn't breath and I sweat seat and back something awful. I finally got a cool cushion and sat on that in the chair and the problem was solved.

Wheelchairs sometimes have that same effect. Not sure I'm gonna go for the monkey powder though.

[SpecK]

I've been using MonkeyButt powder for 5-6 years during the summers. It works pretty good.

Does it work for mud butt too?

[mr surveyor]

for those of us that have an "active outdoor life", nay of us are plagued with a condition one of my former field hands dubbed "butt-sweat"....all that sweat that pours down to the small of back, and keeps traveling South. If you powder up those parts unknown, as well as those "better known", it makes a big difference in how well you can walk at the end of the day.

The Monkey powder is o.k., but I've used Gold Bond Powder for many, many years when needed. It's almost like air conditioning:D

[Tinman507]

Butt-sweat aka swamp a$$

http://thesportshernia.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451b84f69e20134841ee063970c-600wi

[Tinman507]

http://www.bateshook.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/382001_328944710455439_100000197377499_1676841_383 180670_n.jpg

[Bawanna]

Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a
venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they
were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You
were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the
wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the
neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into
Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and
prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully
sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

[jeepster09]

The Silent Fart...
An elderly couple are attending church services.. About halfway
through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.
It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aids."

[Tinman507]

Lol!!

[jocko]

my jokes are normallky unpriteable!!

[GROTMAN]

This goes against ALL my good judgment to post this. . BUT speaking of monkey butt.

An elderly man who was very hard of hearing went to his drs for a physical.
After the usual testing the dr told him everthing looked fine so far ..but I'm going to need a sample of your urine,feces and blood. The old man couldn't hear him very good and said what? The doctor said again. I'm going to need a sample of your urine,feces and blood. The old man turned to his wife and said I can't hear him..What did he say?

The wife responded..he needs to see your underwear. :o

[muggsy]

Last week I had to go in for an upper and lower GI. I told the doctor that what ever he did not to get the two tubes mixed up. He told me that I'd be asleep for the test and that I wouldn't know the difference. And I told him, "Yeah, but if I wake up with a crappy taste in my mouth you're in big trouble."

[Tinman507]

oShTJ90fC34

[wyntrout]

This guy nails it!

Wynn:D

[wyntrout]

Need some DRAMA?

http://www.atissuejournal.com/2012/04/11/drama-in-a-belgium-square/

Wynn:D

[JFootin]

lol!

[JFootin]

http://2bigbroncos.net/humor/Garfield.jpg
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~

Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, DC!!!

Any Questions???
NO? Didn't think So.

[jeepster09]

My Daughter walked into the family living room last night and said
"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the College tuition,
rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV,
IPhone, IPod, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the
Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front
door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me
and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your
will and leave my share to any one that wants it."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that, She actually said ...

"Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Muhammed. We're going to work together
on President Obama's reelection campaign.

[jeepster09]

Distinction between Guts and Balls

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, ‘Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?’

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, ‘You're next, Chubby’.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[Tinman507]

Good one!!

[downtownv]

The trees are blooming and the birds are chirping. The best part of April is that summer is right around the corner and The beach is calling me!
Happy birthday, Mom

[OldLincoln]

Bill Cosby "I'm 76 and Tired"

I'm 76. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National
Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some some serious
health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly
40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my
income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as
though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired.

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take
the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy
to earn it.

I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I
can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and
daughters for their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over some slight
offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't
"believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning
teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the
genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and
Shari'a law tells them to.

I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let
Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques
and madrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia , New Zealand ,
UK , America and Canada , while no one from these countries are allowed to
fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other
Arab country to teach love and tolerance..

I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help
support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ
rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses
or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all
parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful
mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting
caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination
or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and
early 20's be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making
themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.

Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 76.. Because, mostly, I'm not
going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for
my granddaughter and her children. Thank God I'm on the way out and not
on the way in.

[JFootin]

Snopes.com says this is incorrectly attributed to Bill Cosby.
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/imtired.asp

[JFootin]

Bawanna, I know you're going to have to get one of these! :D

http://gunway.s3.amazonaws.com/shot_photos/d654eb48473a8cacc9489d6d98989bdd.jpg

[JFootin]

I would do business with this guy! :D

http://gunway.s3.amazonaws.com/shot_photos/ca310413e0a234e8a631b315c8e151d6.jpg

[JFootin]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/165648_126060637461723_100001733616118_154312_6322 394_n.jpg

[JFootin]

http://gunway.s3.amazonaws.com/shot_photos/f4db20c7d77e4e2604859d6aa2a3a1fd.jpg http://gunway.s3.amazonaws.com/shot_photos/48eff900739980bf8f0db6481628d126.jpg

http://gunway.s3.amazonaws.com/shot_photos/258d1a9ed7edd4b0935bd134ac399b2c.jpg

http://gunway.s3.amazonaws.com/shot_photos/c85c82f47636f3861d6615bb43118466.jpg

[OldLincoln]

Is it still April? Feels like May here getting up in the mid 90's - love it!

All you guy with you fancy cars take a look at this video (http://www.youtube.com/v/Qrpq5A-KAoA). Now you know what I what for Christmas!

[Bawanna]

Just so we don't all get Old Lincoln the same thing, I'm getting him the 57 Chevy cart. Probably red but maybe blue. The rest of you guys pick a different model.

Theres some way cool karts there.

[Tinman507]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn't believe that I know anything about
penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, I fell for it, too. :D

[JFootin]

ROTFLMAO!!! http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/laugh.gif

[MW surveyor]

Almost everything up to the digging the holes in the ice and "freeze a jolly good fellow" :)