Hey it's May....

[jeepster09]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."


"Very good" said the teacher.


Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."


"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher.



Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath .......


Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something ******, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart.

[yqtszhj]

Here is an interesting test that someone forwarded me. It's kind of like a civics test.

This test is not an easy one. The web site reports that college professors average about 55%. The average American 49%. The average for politicians is lower. Take your time and see how you measure up.

http://www.isi.org/quiz.aspx?q=FE5C3B47-9675-41E0-9CF3-072BB31E2692

[Tinman507]

75.76 %

[Bawanna]

Wow, even I got 66.67.

[Markis82]

72.73%

[TucsonMTB]

I may have gotten lucky: You answered 28 out of 33 correctly — 84.85 %

This question is especially embarrassing since I once had to memorize the Gettysburg Address for recital during High School. Oh, well.

Question: What was the source of the following phrase: “Government of the people, by the people, for the people”?
Your Answer: U.S. Constitution
Correct Answer: Gettysburg Address

[DaveInCA]

I never considered myself "political", but somehow I got 90.91%

[mr surveyor]

28 out of 33 for me too..... one question I misread that was a no brainer, so should have been 29

[JFootin]

You answered 27 out of 33 correctly — 81.82 %

[wyntrout]

I got the same as you, John... 81.82%. I figured I was selecting the wrong answer on all but one or two of the incorrectly answered ones. The correct answers were the ones I thought might be right.

Wynn:)

[JFootin]

I got the same as you, John... 81.82%. I figured I was selecting the wrong answer on all but one or two of the incorrectly answered ones. The correct answers were the ones I thought might be right.

Wynn:)

There were a few that were bogus. The correct answers weren't really correct. Like the one that asked what was true if taxes equaled government expenditure. The "correct" answer was that every citizen was paying for exactly what they got from government (paraphrase). Not true at all. The rich could still be paying 70% or more of all taxes paid, while many could be getting much more from the government than they paid in taxes.

[LorenzoB]

78.79% (26 out of 33)
I second guessed myself a few times. Not bad, but was hoping for better.

And JFootin, you are right about bogus answers too. I guess the key word on that answer was "average", but you know some people would be costing money and not paying taxes in that situation.

In college when we felt we didn't do so well on a test, someone would always say "C's get Degrees!" :D

[JFootin]

78.79% (26 out of 33)
I second guessed myself a few times. Not bad, but was hoping for better.

And JFootin, you are right about bogus answers too. I guess the key word on that answer was "average", but you know some people would be costing money and not paying taxes in that situation.

In college when we felt we didn't do so well on a test, someone would always say "C's get Degrees!" :D

That reminds me of a question I came up with: What do they call the person who graduated at the last place in his graduating class from medical school?













DOCTOR! :ohmy:

[Mattias44]

There were a few that were bogus. The correct answers weren't really correct. Like the one that asked what was true if taxes equaled government expenditure. The "correct" answer was that every citizen was paying for exactly what they got from government (paraphrase). Not true at all. The rich could still be paying 70% or more of all taxes paid, while many could be getting much more from the government than they paid in taxes.

If taxes equal government spending, then:
tax per person equals government spending per person on average

Not at all what you "paraphrased" as. They could have done a better job phrasing it, I agree. I also disagree with the "progressive income tax," which is think what you were getting at.

84% correct here. Some of that stuff was never covered in civics class.

[wyntrout]

The more you make the higher your tax rate NEVER seemed FAIR to me!

I think that everyone should pay the same rate. The guy making three times as much pays three times as much tax. The Fair tax would sure be great and get rid of all of the complicated income tax forms and the IRS. Not taxing savings and capital gains would be a big boost to business and a lot of money would come back into the country and all would benefit... business would boom and everyone could prosper.

Wynn:)

[jocko]

wyn: the 50% who pay no federal taxes sure would b!tch, those already paying taxes would certainly be for a FAIR tax rate. ain't gonna happen on Obummer's watch: Just sayin.

Hel they really (both parties) don't want to revamp the tax code, as it would put IRS almost out of business the accounting firms around the country would fight it. Thepoliticians talk a mean game but they are IMO asphooney as hell

[yqtszhj]

I never considered myself "political", but somehow I got 90.91%

That's the same score I got. What's funny is I didn't learn any of this in high school or anywhere else like that. All I did was party back then. I must have learned it after getting married and growing up.

[scoose]

then i would say, "it is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the president obama method of giving you something ******, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."













little johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart.















hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!

[jeepster09]

Story with a moral .....:eek:
There was a fish swimming in the river looking at a fly hovering above him.Upon seeing the fly he says to himself, if that fly comes down 5 inches I can jump and catch him and have some dinner. unknown to the fish there is a bear on the shoreline watching the fish. think'n to himself when that fish jumps up to catch that fly I'll grab the fish and have me some dinner. unknown to the bear ther was a hunter sitting on a log eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich watching this and think'n to himself, when the fish jumps for the fly and the bear grabs the fish, I'll shoot the bear and have myself some dinner. unknown to the hunter there is a squirell in the tree watching all this and thinking to himself, when that hunter shoots that bear he will set down that peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I'll grab it and get me some dinner. unknown to the squirell there was a bobcat watching all this and thinking when that squirell grabs that hunter's peanut butter jelly sandwich I'll grab thaat squirell and get me some dinner. bam! fish jumps out of the water grabs the fly, bear grabs the fish, hunter shoots the bear, squirell grabs the peanut butter and jelly sandwich, bobcat jumps to grab the squirell and misses and falls into the water. the moral to this story; When the fly comes down 5 inches the Pu$$y is gonna get wet.....:hungry:

[Bawanna]

Note to self: Order keyboards in bulk. Coffee through the nose hurts.

Maybe a girdle will help my aching sides.

That's funny right there, I don't care who you are.

[JFootin]

True story. In the early 70s, I was a car salesman for awhile. On a real slow day 3 of us were standing in the showroom, shooting the bull. One salesman played league softball. Said he enjoyed it a lot. The other salesman was a hansome lady killer with blonde hair, blue eyes and country boy charm. I asked him what sort of sports he played. His reply: "Well, I specialize in indoor sports...you know, stink finger and grab a$$!"

[wyntrout]

Dang! Bawanna, maybe you need a "sneeze" guard over your keyboard... in front of your monitor... with a drip pan... obviously! :D

Wynn:)

[wyntrout]

I think I'm okay, but I worry about some of you guys....

Wynn:D

[Tinman507]

Geeze, first I am told I am part of the 99%.
Now I am being told I am part of the 25%
Will you people please make up your minds!!!

[tv_racin_fan]

Here is an interesting test that someone forwarded me. It's kind of like a civics test.

This test is not an easy one. The web site reports that college professors average about 55%. The average American 49%. The average for politicians is lower. Take your time and see how you measure up.

http://www.isi.org/quiz.aspx?q=FE5C3B47-9675-41E0-9CF3-072BB31E2692

I hope everyone has spare blankets....my wife says hell done froze and it is gonna get COLD.

32 of 33... 96.97%

[jocko]

Geeze, first I am told I am part of the 99%.
Now I am being told I am part of the 25%
Will you people please make up your minds!!!

tinman, let me help u with this. u are in the 25% group, for get the 3 other friend crap. u don't have 3 other friends, so just take ol jocko's word for it, as u know I would not mislead u or anyone else. Just sayin:D

[TucsonMTB]

I hope everyone has spare blankets....my wife says hell done froze and it is gonna get COLD.

32 of 33... 96.97%
Awesome!

[jeepster09]

37 out of 33 hmmmm? Maybe I f...ed up? :rain:

[jeepster09]

Alzheimer's Test
Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words ?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
.
.
.
.
.






SCROLL DOWN
























Answers:


1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong....didn't you ?
Well, you don't have Alzheimers, but you are a pervert !

[jeepster09]

Some Bikers Are the Good Guys

A group of bikers was riding into Key West when they saw a girl about to jump off the Cow Key Channel bridge, so they stopped.



The leader, a big burly man, got off his bike and said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she said.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss a golden opportunity so he asked,

"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she did and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she finished, the biker said;

"Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had. That's a real talent you’re wasting.

Why are you, such a beautiful young thing with such a passion for romance,

even thinking of committing suicide?"














"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." :p



The authorities think "she" may have been pushed :40:

[jeepster09]

So I'm Sitting at a stop light...



I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday minding my own business while waiting for it to turn green.



Next to me was a carload of bearded, young Muslims shouting anti-American slogans



with a half-burned American Flag duct taped to the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side.



When the light changed, the Muslims praised Al lah, shook their fists, hit the gas and sped off ahead of me.



Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone on board.



For several seconds I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"



So today, bright and early, I went out and got myself a job as a truck driver.

[yqtszhj]

The Longest Password


During a recent password audit by Google, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramen to"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:


"Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital."

[Tinman507]

http://www.v7n.com/forums/attachments/forum-lobby/9793d1246380179-cruelty-old-guys-aarp-eye-chart.jpg

[Barth]

http://www.v7n.com/forums/attachments/forum-lobby/9793d1246380179-cruelty-old-guys-aarp-eye-chart.jpg

How come nobodies commented on my Avengers thread?
Nobody likes redheads?

[rjt123]

How come nobodies commented on my Avengers thread?

Nobody likes redheads?


I don't know about your Avengers thread, but I have always had a weakness for redheads. Sadly, redheads apparently aren't that wild about me. :(

[Barth]

I don't know about your Avengers thread, but I have always had a weakness for redheads. Sadly, redheads apparently aren't that wild about me. :(

Check out: "The Avengers, or Scarlett prefers Glock - LOL!"
and get back to me....

[rjt123]

Check out: "The Avengers, or Scarlett prefers Glock - LOL!"

and get back to me....


I see what you mean...

Heck, I thought she wuz purty even BEFORE she was a redhead. That's almost too much of a good thing. Almost. :)

[Barth]

I see what you mean...

Heck, I thought she wuz purty even BEFORE she was a redhead. That's almost too much of a good thing. Almost. :)

Thanks,
I was starting to wonder what was going on here - LOL!

[jlottmc]

I can't say what I'd do to her looking like that. It's illegal even in Arkansas, and I don't want to get banned.

[Barth]

I can't say what I'd do to her looking like that. It's illegal even in Arkansas, and I don't want to get banned.

Jocko is still here.
I'm pretty sure we are all safe - LOL!

[jlottmc]

You have no idea the depths my depravity run, mmm yummy.

[Barth]

You have no idea the depths my depravity run, mmm yummy.

LOL!

I notice Jocko hasn't commented either...

[OldLincoln]

Dang, gotta get my eyes fixed. Even with the glass those teeny tiny little cuties were like looking at the nude beach from a bluff a mile away.

[wyntrout]

Irish Coffee!


An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

[jeepster09]

2013 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitc$ to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

((*Note* If Buying this vehicle used be sure mileage is not too high.))

[TucsonMTB]

2013 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. . . .
Brilliant! Wish I had read this years ago . . . :rolleyes:

[Tinman507]

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one, you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this... CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is FUNNY... and true.
This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of sh!t lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those piece of sh!t chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ..... Pleeeeaze die.' But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI engine waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[getsome]

Thanks Tinman, You have no idea how bad I needed that laugh this morning...You Da Man!!!!...:biggrin1:

[Tinman507]

Glad I could help!

[Bawanna]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
And orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate
My 80th birthday and it's today.' The bartender says
'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink
The woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink,
The man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says
'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink,he says
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies
'Sonny, when you're my age,
You've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[JFootin]

http://i.imgur.com/A0BZcl.png

[JFootin]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration ;(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
(This brings to mind the obvious: Kahrmageddon. Any ideas?)

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[JFootin]

yEH4Yum4nN4

[wyntrout]

I wonder if this guy had a clue that he was getting his last lap dance?

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/man-dies-strip-club-night-unpaid-lap-dances-005353322.html

Wynn:)

[getsome]

Now thats how I want to go out!!!:D

[wyntrout]

I want more than a lap dance!

Wynn:D

[wyntrout]

Here's a "Natural Selection" comic:

http://cdn.svcs.c2.uclick.com/c2/2d344c607b80012f2fe000163e41dd5b

[JFootin]

Now thats how I want to go out!!!:D

I don't want to meet my maker THAT WAY! :blushing:

[jlottmc]

I found this on TTAG. How many of these apply to you? http://www.thetruthaboutguns.com/2012/05/robert-farago/youre-know-youre-a-gun-nut-when/

I got many, the Glock ones, and the H&K ones were about the only ones that didn't apply.

[Tinman507]

I don't want to meet my maker THAT WAY! :blushing:
Would be difficult to explain to St. Peter why you had a dollar bill in your teeth :D

[MW surveyor]

A few years ago, I got roped into going to a sex show in Amsterdam. Pretty good deal as you would "buy" your glass at the door and had a specific time period in which the glass (and you) could stay in the building.

To make a long story shorter.....

There was an Englishman with his 18 year old son attending the show. Was the kid's 18th birthday and the dad wanted to help him celebrate. Not sure how much the kid knew about what when on there but having a guilder (before the euro) note plucked from his nose by a female body part was definitely exciting for him!

MY DAD NEVER GAVE ME A PRESENT LIKE THAT FOR MY 18TH BIRTHDAY

[OldLincoln]

Mine took me to see the show at the Latin Quarter in New York City when I was 17. That was when the big feather headdresses and costumes were big. It really wasn't a big thing other than we were at THE Latin Quarter, but dad liked it a lot. Guess he wasn't used to seeing topless women. He also took me to a topless bar in San Francisco one trip a couple years later. Looked like a transplant from a large dead cow.

[jeepster09]

Wanna Bet?
Jocko goes into a Drinking establishment sits at the bar and orders a beer. He Tells the bartender I bet you $5 I can bite my right eye. The Bartender says ok. so the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites down on it. The Bartender shells out $5 with a smirk. About 10 minutes later he tell the Bartender I bet you $10 I can Bite my left eye. The Bartender thinks (This Guy Can't be Blind), OK your on. So the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. The Bartender isn't very happy but pays up. The guy now goes back to one of the booths and sits with another customer. About 20 minutes later he returns to the Bartender and says I am going to give you a chance to make your money back, I bet you $20 that you can take that empty pitcher and slide it down the length of the bar and I can piss it full before it crashes to the other side. Bartender says let me get this straight, I can slide this pitcher as fast as I want and your going to pi$$ it full before it crashes? The Guys says Yup thats right. The Bartender says your on. The guy says wait one sec. and he jumps up on a bar stool and whips his pecker out and says ok ready.. The Bartender grabs the pitcher and slides it down the bar as fast as he could. The guy is jumping from stool to stool peeing all over the bar and only gets one drop in the pitcher, the pitcher shatters at the end of the bar ad the Bar tender is just cracking up laughing. Man you owe me $20 pay up. The guy reaches into his pocket and gladly pays the barkeep. before the guy walks away The Bartender asks him why he made such a stupid bet. The guy points over to the Booth and says: See that guy over there? I bet him $500 I could pi$$ all over your bar and you'd be laughing at it..:001_tt2:

[LorenzoB]

LOL!!!!! That is way to funny!

I just read it a second time and I'm still cracking up. I usually don't get into jokes, but the visual on this one was hilarious. Thanks jeepster, I needed that.

[Bawanna]

One of my coworkers, (well I call him a co worker, he's a detective and I'm an office puke), pointed out to me that today is my 17th anniversary of becoming a professional derelict. Bout 10 oclock this morning 17 years ago the wall won!

He for some unknown reason had it entered in his computer calendar. I thought about it last week but then forgot.

He said we should do something to commemorate the day each year. I suggested going out back and shooting me in the foot to see if it hurts.

I should just take this day off each year as a reminder that when your considering taking a day off to go fishing rather than work, that is the best choice.
I had a new bass boat and thought of that very thing, made the wrong choice and went to work. We grow old fast and smart slow I reckon.


Heck, thought I'd started a new thread but I guess this works too.

[getsome]

Ain't life strange that way...We like to think we have things under control but in reality there is nothing we can really plan for except to trust God...Fate is a strange bastard...One day you get up and head off to work on a beautiful morning like any other day and then out of nowhere a 757 airliner smashes into your office window...Sometimes if I get caught at a long red light I get ticked off but it might be God keeping me from getting T-Boned at the next intersection by a dump truck had I made the light...

I am really inspired by Aimee Copeland the beautiful young lady here in Georgia that came down with the flesh eating bacteria that now has taken her left leg, her right foot and both hands but she is still in good spirits...One day she was having fun with friends on a warm spring day and then fate entered the picture....That is one brave, strong young lady and brings new meaning for her future as far as the term Improvise Adapt and Overcome....I pray for her long term recovery and have quit complaining about my little aches and pains....Now there is another case near the same area of the state, what the heck is going on around here....A fellow named Bobby Vaughn was cutting brush in his yard and cut his leg slightly...He didn't think anything of it until the next day when he couldn't walk and went to the hospital and they rushed him to surgery and have now removed 2 pounds of dead flesh from his leg to save his life...It's a crazy world sometimes and we can't even claim the right to our next breath and it is wise to live every day like it is your last because you just never know....

[jeepster09]

http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv276/jeepster09/catbox-1.jpg

[Planedude]

It has happend to all of us before, the day you were the hero that saved some a$$holes life.
Let me give you my example.
Many years ago a teenage, droopy drawered and mostly illiterate...ummm... Gentleman lived on my street. His stereo rattle the windows, the tire tracks from his burn outs marked both ends of our street and he never met a neighbor he didn't want to scowl at. We all hated him, okay hated in that stupid kid way, but you get it. We all suffered through his adolecence at great pain around here.
Soooo... One day I was driving out the neighborhood and running up my rear bummper is young "prince charming" himself. The stereo was rattling, his tires were chirping, as he found oncomming traffic to be spaced just such, that he could not pass, (even though it was illegal) and he was stuck behind me to the traffic light. It was kind of fun, driving just enough below the speed limit to mess with his head.
So we get to the light common to our side street and the state highway and it's red. Good, I thought and I watched amused in the rear veiw as he bobbed and weaved and beat on his steering wheel and I guess rage aloud about it all. Smiles aside I did still keep my eye on the traffic. I watched the light and saw it turn yellow for the crossing traffic. Good, but up the highway I saw a cement truck boring down at the intresection. Judging by the black smoke that came boiling up out the exhaust pipes and the turn of speed he had on, stopping for the light was no longer in the cards. So my light goes green, then instantly "prince charming" is laying on his horn and flipping me off for sitting there. I waited one second more and watched 82 thousand pounds of truck blow through the redlight at 50+ mph...
With one more look in the mirror I said aloud "just saved your a$$, God sure loves you" and moved on into traffic. He blew by me, but this time with no words, glares or rude jestures just a blast of speed...
Indeed.
Last summer I looked up my street and saw the same, now not-so-young man, a nice looking young lady and a bundle that must have been the baby walking across his parents yard.
I guess the good Lord knows what he's doing after all.
So when your out in the world, driving like an oldster, remember you may be doing the good work you were meant to do...:001_tt2:

Enjoy the day!

[TucsonMTB]

So when your out in the world, driving like an oldster, remember you may be doing the good work you were meant to do...:001_tt2:

Enjoy the day!
Yeah! Nice post!

[JFootin]

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/22VN8.gif

[JFootin]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's ***** and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated.


FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


THERE YOU HAVE IT...and remember, life is good.

[mightymouse]

......meanwhile on nearly the last day of May, a little self indulgence...
Took my noisy old, OSHA safety orange SBC 383 cid stroker, V8 (240Z)
http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g22/BowtiedZ/BowtiedZ-1.jpgout for the first time this spring. Lots of important noises, truly a cacophony of mechanical testosterone, drove around town to air it out. Mothers and fathers pulling their small children off the sidewalks from two blocks away. Dobermans and Rottweilers, whining and wetting themselves. Super models fantasizing about being a passenger... :p Lots of thumbs up from the Subaru WRX crowd gathered at a parking lot. Some probably saying wtf is that...Even in my 50s, I love how a barely muffled, old school, solid roller cammed, V8, 500 ++ hp/500 tq , sets off car alarms, just driving by. Gave it a good bath and back into its cave.
Smoker fired up for a pork loin. Arranged a target shooting in the prarie with my old Pa-in law. Oh yeah, the whole time my trusty CM9 poking me under my ribs. Makes my man badge feel extra good on days like this. May is good.

[Bawanna]

I think that might be worthy of a photo under the bonnet. Must have used a shoe horn to fit that bad boy in there, maybe washed in super hot water so it shrunk a little bit?

[jeepster09]

......meanwhile on nearly the last day of May, a little self indulgence...
Took my noisy old, OSHA safety orange SBC 383 cid stroker, V8 (240Z)
http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g22/BowtiedZ/BowtiedZ-1.jpgout for the first time this spring. Lots of important noises, truly a cacophony of mechanical testosterone, drove around town to air it out. Mothers and fathers pulling their small children off the sidewalks from two blocks away. Dobermans and Rottweilers, whining and wetting themselves. Super models fantasizing about being a passenger... :p Lots of thumbs up from the Subaru WRX crowd gathered at a parking lot. Some probably saying wtf is that...Even in my 50s, I love how a barely muffled, old school, solid roller cammed, V8, 500 ++ hp/500 tq , sets off car alarms, just driving by. Gave it a good bath and back into its cave.
Smoker fired up for a pork loin. Arranged a target shooting in the prarie with my old Pa-in law. Oh yeah, the whole time my trusty CM9 poking me under my ribs. Makes my man badge feel extra good on days like this. May is good.


There is an old Mercedes running around town here with same basic setup as yours....very cool.:D

[jeepster09]

Mightymouse..

This ain't yours is it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=780GRxFwSSs

[OldLincoln]

More likely similar to this one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVzaQ-Keta0&feature=related) only orange.

[mightymouse]

I think that might be worthy of a photo under the bonnet. Must have used a shoe horn to fit that bad boy in there, maybe washed in super hot water so it shrunk a little bit?
Actually fits better than the original straight 6.

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g22/BowtiedZ/383BowtiedZ-1-1.jpg

First round was a 4.3 V6, forged pistons, custom cam, etc. and a 16+ psi Procharger. Came on like a big sneeze. Popped it up to 160 mph something in front of the Ford dealer, pulling only 5600 rpm, shifting at 7000. Zs have terrible aerodynamics. Would have soon gone airborne. 18 psi greed and the mains started walking, replacing bearings every few thousand, expensive belts. Not up to the task financially of building the V6 stout enough for my desires. Fun and really noisy with the gear whine.

http://i52.photobucket.com/albums/g22/BowtiedZ/JSZ4-1-3.jpg

17 inches to the radiator on that one, great balance, rear bias for cornering. V8 is only 2500+ lb and 51/50 weight much torquey-er, great sound, like a new Ford Shelby V8 on steroids, higher pitched though, nasty at 7200 shift points. Pusher fans for cooling, big Griffin radiator for V8. Lots of Zs much faster, but few have owned and loved as long.
Best quote, I swear its true, came from a really cute girl at work after a ride, "I think I peed my pants a little bit" :biggrin1: Might make you pants stand out inf front, but squirrelly enough to make them stand out in back a bit, too. :rolleyes:

[JFootin]

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

[JFootin]

Funny Signs (http://www.wsbradio.com/gallery/entertainment/major-sign-fails-make-you-lol/gfn3/#1467773)

[bikerbill]

93.94 ... only missed two ... but I stayed awake during most of High School ...