March Madness, Mayhem, Mischief? Do not open till March 1.

[Bawanna]

You opened it! You guys follow instructions about as good as I do.

I remembered this time, slightly early without 20 PM reminding me it was my time of the month. That didn't come out right did it.

I've been sick recently and I'm just not myself, or maybe I am even more so.

[Rob_0t]

Who reads the distructions? .

Mechanical aptitude > books printed by lawyers, bean counters, and engineers

Lmao.


Whore thred?

[MW surveyor]

Sorry, I'll close the door quietly and back away.

[Rob_0t]

*lowers weapon... puts genitals away*


Good choice mister. Good choice

[jlottmc]

I won't, and no I'm not sorry.

[Ol'coot]

March sure came early this year!:bump2: Oh no it is still February, Damn!:32::32:

[Rob_0t]

The sooner were out of empowerment month the better..... !!!!!

[wyntrout]

Wifey's BD is the last day of February... usually... excepting those "fat" years. Summer is almost here... already had Spring!

Wynn:D

[Rob_0t]

Wyn.. the wife is 28th? . Mine is tomarrow. Spring left and snows coming back.. the crew is loadin up wed to head north till sunday... S.S.Thundercouch be settin sail matey......

Btw...i fookin love snow. And winter. And months that dont begin with blakk history.

[wyntrout]

I lived near Caribou, Maine, for about 5 years. I got a 25" tracked snowblower and a blade and wheel weights/chains for my lawn tractor... lots of fun. It was beautiful to throw the snow into the air and have the wind carry it way on a bright sunny day. The tractor and blade was faster for light snow, but the blower got the snow up and away!

Wynn:)

[yqtszhj]

Feb has been crap at work. I'm starting March now.

[Tinman507]

+1 on that. Looking for a do-over

[mr surveyor]

I need to get a new calendar:confused:

[Bawanna]

The desk calendar they got me at work didn't have a February in it. Whole page missing. I held off long as I could.

One more day and I'm sure I would have started receiving reminders.

[muggsy]

The ground hog promised an early spring. As soon as he sticks his head out again I'm going to shoot him.

[ltxi]

*lowers weapon... puts genitals away*


Good choice mister. Good choice

....:hippie:

[wyntrout]

This is pertinent... it's about guns...
"A gun is like a parachute.
If you need one, and don't have one,
you'll probably never need one again."


Something to think about!


Wynn:)

[OldLincoln]

Sigh..... Hey Bubba, who let out the crazy cousins again????

[DeaconKC]

I peeked! nyah nyah nyah

[Rob_0t]

....:hippie:


Whatchu talkin bout willis?! ?!?!



Sigh..... Hey Bubba, who let out the crazy cousins again????

*whistles*



I peeked! nyah nyah nyah


Mom told me she caught a fella eyeballin er today over the dressin room door. o_0

[yqtszhj]

OK. I can't wait to ask the question.

Barth, did you make it through February without buying a new gun? I haven't seen one posted. Don't blow it. Only 2 days left and then you're off the hook. :)

[GROTMAN]

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/644749_451591688247970_646529801_n.jpg

[Bawanna]

Just got word that last night city council (as usual making a decision about something they know nothing about) decided to eliminate our IT dept and an outside vendor will be providing IT services. This ought to be good.
They did keep the newest (I think they call him desk top service or something) on to at least get some help.

When we're all sitting around riding our thumbs waiting for the computers to work again I hope they regret this decision but I doubt it.

Wonder what else they can do to piss me off around this place. I'm sure they are planning it as we speak.

[Barth]

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/644749_451591688247970_646529801_n.jpg

What ammo???

[GROTMAN]

Bawanna.. thought you might like this one..

Barack Obama got out of the shower and
was drying off when he looked in the mirror
and noticed that he was white from the neck
to the top of his head.
In a sheer panic and fearing he was turning
white all over, he called his doctor and told
him what had happened.
The doctor advised him to come to his
office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.
Barack drank the concoction and said, "That tasted like bullshit!"
"It was." the doctor replied, "You were a quart low."

[MW surveyor]

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/644749_451591688247970_646529801_n.jpg

Yea, what ammo?

[MW surveyor]

Hey Colonel. Just wait till they find out exactly how much money the outside IT people really cost!

Ever since the "updated" or went to Microsoft 365 I've had to call an IT person at least once if not twice a week just to keep my Outlook up and running. And even with Microsoft's help, still can't figure out what's wrong.

[Bawanna]

Yea what gets me is they can't seem to comprehend when they screw around with the internet connection or on site system we're all dead in the water. We hear sorry for the inconvenience all the time.

Doesn't help much when your trying to fight crime or chat with your pals on kahrtalk.

I'm sure the outside vendors will get it even less and nobody on site for me to choke the life out of.

[yqtszhj]

Yea what gets me is they can't seem to comprehend when they screw around with the internet connection or on site system we're all dead in the water. We hear sorry for the inconvenience all the time.

Doesn't help much when your trying to fight crime or chat with your pals on kahrtalk.

I'm sure the outside vendors will get it even less and nobody on site for me to choke the life out of.

Sorry to tell you this but in the end it will be like my company and some dude named "Bob" in India will take your trouble reports and it will go either one of the two directions listed below:

1. The only thing that "Bob" says that you will understand is "Thank you for your patience."

-OR-

2. You'll be telling "Bob" what's wrong, like MY COMPUTER IS ON FIRE!!!

"Bob" then says "Thank you, can you reboot your computer and tell me what it says?"

Again you tell him ITS ON FIRE!!!!

"Bob" then says "Thank you for your patience, Have you checked to see if it has power?"

You then say again DAMMIT, ITS ON FIRE!!!!!!

"Bob" then says "Thank you for your patience, we'll be sending this to our local support. The response time is 2 weeks. Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

You'll then fall out of your chair due to smoke inhalation.

[JFootin]

A young blonde New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .""I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[OldLincoln]

The thing with outsourcing is the contract cost vs the embedded cost of the internal organization. When I worked for the phone company and we would set budgets for the 2500 person organization we used embedded cost down to the technician. At the time they made in the neighborhood of $17 per hour which was a good wage. In addition they had their benefit package which was quite heavy but that's expected when figuring the cost of a tech. It's the rest that I had to get used to and this is the honest truth. Add in the cost of their vehicle, fuel and maintenance, tools. The same for their management all the way up to the officer level, the real estate costs including rents, taxes, maintenance, etc. and you come up with an average of about $100 per hour. And remember the cost of maintenance departments is loaded the same way and that is cross charged and included in the $100.

By outsourcing you don't need techs and their loaded costs, the buildings, maintenance, etc. Now you do need a few overseer's to have free lunches, trips, etc. with the contractors. Of course any problems are the fault of someone else, never the contractors.

So they go that way for a few years then somebody realizes it could be done cheaper and better if done in-house so the cycle begins all over again.

[muggsy]

A young blonde New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy .""I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain.

"This is the Staten Island Ferry."


You know what we sailors say, "Any port in a storm."

[MW surveyor]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."
The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !-- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."

The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three-car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my Country.
I want to bring them all over here" --- and -- PING !-- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three-car garage, a long driveway,
and a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

One more wish," said the fairy, waving her wand.

"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero.
And I want to have white skin like Americans" ---and --- PING ! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn-out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball Cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed. "Where is my new house? THIS IS NO GOOD . . . . . . . . "



The fairy said: "Tough stuff, amigo, now that you are a white American,
You have to fend for yourself."

[Bawanna]

Anyone ever realize how hard it is to smile and throw up a little bit in your mouth at the same time. A new experience for me for sure.

[OldLincoln]

Damn, those huge worms that eat people have expanded to Florida. Think I'll stay away from there!

Chicago Tribune - ‎44 minutes ago‎

TAMPA, Fla. -- A 36-year-old Florida man was feared dead on Friday after a sinkhole suddenly opened beneath the bedroom of his suburban Tampa home swallowing him, police and fire officials said.

[jeepster09]

As an Honor Guard bagpiper, I play many gigs for other people. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a county cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

[JFootin]

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Smilies/laugh.gif

[GROTMAN]

http://i.imgur.com/JNgDx01.jpg

[ltxi]

Damn, those huge worms that eat people have expanded to Florida. Think I'll stay away from there!

Chicago Tribune - ‎44 minutes ago‎

TAMPA, Fla. -- A 36-year-old Florida man was feared dead on Friday after a sinkhole suddenly opened beneath the bedroom of his suburban Tampa home swallowing him, police and fire officials said.

Sinkholes common there.

[TheTman]

I don't know if this video will open for you or not, but it made me laugh a little. Warning, foul, offensive, rude, and sexist humour. No nudity.
If you are easily offended, don't look.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151187570226607

I guess it's a real product.

[wyntrout]

That made me laugh... still!

Thanks for the post!

Wynn:D

[mr surveyor]

I have seen the late night tv commercial for the actual sillyassed product... I like the youtube presentation better:)

[JFootin]

While defragging my hard drive, I have been watching "My Super Ex-Girlfriend" with Luke Wilson and Uma Thurman. It's a hoot! :)

[Barth]

https://www.t-mobilepictures.com/myalbum/thumbnail/photo44/db/6f/12b180ff3d66__1362249623000.jpg?tw=0&th=720&s=true&rs=false

[Bootlegger]

I was too lazy to post anything on Jan or Feb so i'll make up for it now.....

[Bootlegger]

I dont normaly post on forums, but when I do.... im on Kahrtalk.

[Bootlegger]

Ok, i'll talk to you all in April. BTW I bought 2 MK9s in the month of Feb!! :p

[Barth]

Ok, i'll talk to you all in April. BTW I bought 2 MK9s in the month of Feb!! :p

I bought two HK P2000 357s in one month.
Don't really have a good explanation for that.
But I'm glad I did.

My MK40 Elite is outstanding.
Not everyone agrees with me.
But I really think the all steel Kahrs are some of their best.

[mr surveyor]

Happy Independence Day to all my fellow Texans:)

[rjt123]

Happy Independence Day to all my fellow Texans:)

Long live the Republic!

[yqtszhj]

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=SZ3SC-gVvy0

[OldLincoln]

I am now officially out of the 9mm business. No gun, holster, ammo, reloading dies, cases, laser trainer, no nothing. But I am in the. 45 business for sure.

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

[Barth]

I am now officially out of the 9mm business. No gun, holster, ammo, reloading dies, cases, laser trainer, no nothing. But I am in the. 45 business for sure.

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

Welcome to The Big Bad Dark Side.

[wyntrout]

Well... not to be outdone... already have 7 Kahrs... at least one duplicate too many, so last month I bought two new Glocks, a set of Trijicon HD NS Orange FS, AND I just got the Glock FS Installation Tool and the Handgun Sight Pusher Tool in today! I can put the sights on my G23C and then let Wifey compare that with the Yellow FS set on my XD45 and see what she wants for "her" G19!

Wynn:D

[ltxi]

I am now officially out of the 9mm business. No gun, holster, ammo, reloading dies, cases, laser trainer, no nothing.........

Why?...just curious

[OldLincoln]

Why... pull up a chair around the old fire. I've always been partial to the 45, especially after inheriting my Dad's Colt Commander Lightweight. My first carry gun was a Colt Mustang Pocketlite 380. It was easy to carry except I was always nervous about the hammer back and no safety. Well I didn't carry much as I knew my company would not like it and I was in a very visible position.

After I retired, my wife wanted me to carry and I discovered you need a permit, etc. At the same time I discovered my $400 Mustang was now worth a whole lot more, too much to carry. Well that and a lot of carry heavyweights said the 380 was better than nothing but a 9mm up was better.

I tried the Glock 40 & 45 but the grip was too big for my old hands. So then it was why not a 9mm in the pocket. So I spent a few months reading all the specs and trolling the brand forums. The PM9 rated very high and I believed it would pocket carry well. I bought it and while it does pocket carry I didn't like it. I had trouble with my hand digging it out of the pocket to the extent that I'd have to offer the bad guy a smoke while I fumbled with it. That's when I tried the Silent Thunder IWB and fell in love. The perfect holster for the perfect gun.

As time went on I never got the hang of really accurate shooting the PM9. I figured out the grip was twisting in my hand. It is too small for my arthritic hands to keep from having to twist it back onto the target. Then I shot the Glock G30 Short Frame and it was like the momma bear of grips. I simply feels right and my shots go where i want them without having to work at it. I put Big Dots on it and am bad ass good with it. Well, no Steven Seagal but better than before and the IWB is very comfortable.

So then I had a PM9 that I struggled with and a G30 SF that I liked. So I then discovered I could sell off my 9mm stuff and pay for a second, identical G3 SF like a straight across trade. I've always been told to have a second gun in case something happens to the first. Now I do. I have one holster, one reloading caliber, one LaserLyte trainer, one training drill with either gun.

Now aren't you glad you asked, or are you sound asleep. I love it when one of my grandkids asks me to tell them why something and after a few minutes into my story they're looking around trying to figure out how to escape. I guess it's an old man thing.

[tv_racin_fan]

He might be asleep sir but I am wide awake and fully understand that position.

For me I had decided that I wanted to carry and talked to my wife aboue it. After a few minutes she decided she would carry as well. So off to the gun shop and my son and I found a Walther PPKs we thought would be ideal for her. She grabbed it and looked at the price tag and decide it was not for her.. the nice sales girl showed her a few other firearms and my wife decided on a S&W Sigma. Now many people do not like that handgun at all but to be flat out honest our only issue was the trigger (not pull.. the damn thing isa two piece plastic monstrocity) well that and the grip was rough in a spot or two. I sanded on that grip but the trigger is a different issue. Anyway I let the wife grab that Sigma knowing full well it would not work for her but she needed to decide that on her own and hey I needed a handgun to carry as well and it would have worked for me. Anyhoo soon as we got home I asked her where she was going to hide that Sigma on her tiny frame and she said "umm umm I guess we go back to the gun shop??". It took a couple weeks but I got her back to the shop and she really liked the feel of a PM9 but did not like the price at all, I figured the recoil might not be what she would like so I told her we would order her an MK9 instead. Well when I asked and the clerk checked even the distributor had none and she wasn't wuite ready to committ. So couple more weeks and I have convinced her that price aint an issue I would sell every thing I had if that was what it took to get her what she wanted so back to the store we go and this time we are going to order that MK9 if she doesn't find something she likes better. I had her try everything I thought might work but she came back to the Kahr counter and no PM9 BUT now they have a CW9 and that fits perfectly, even my paws fit on the grip pretty well. One trip to the range and I like that CW9 so much I found a K9 for myself (I like metal myself). One touch of the K9 I found and the wife says I know which Kahr I am gonna carry so I hadd go find another one... (turns out she can not rack the slide to her satisfaction on the K9..). We have a few semi auto handguns all of them in 9mm and from Kahr except for my Ruger MK II and if Kahr made a 22 that Ruger would be gone in a second. Funny thing tho I tried and tried to convince my wife to get a Ruger SP101.. She just wasn't interested.. So I have wanted one since they first came out and I happened to be at the gun shop one day and spot a used one looked like it had never been shot or carried and the price was good so I grabbed it. My wife had never shown any interest in shooting really even tho she enjoys it when I can get her to go. So one trip at the range I have my GP100 and some 38s and I offer it to her to try out. First she says no but on the second try she reluctantly gives it a try. First trigger pull and she turns to me and say this thing doesn't kick as bad as my Kahr.. to which I reply well yeah that Kahr is tiny and this big ole hog leg with that under barrel lug weighs a ton comparatively so it aint gonna recoil as much. Well first trip with that SP101 and she gives it a try. Even full house Buffalo Bore ammo aint more than she can handle tho she aint interested in shootin a whole box of em (neither am I to be honest them things got some UUMMMPH). Hit the house and she walks into my "office" and tells me she wants an SP101 of her berry own.

Moral of that long diatribe is I understand your position but I gotta have my pops.

Wonder if Ruger has a birdhead grip frame that will fit my Ruger Old Army revolvers??

Oh by the way I trade that Sigma and some other doo dads for a BAR in 30-06. My wife saw that and said you traded off MY Sigma?? I said YEP and you wont complain when you understand the price difference and you really didn't care nor need that thing anyway. And I don't care if you ***** about it anyway I made a GREAT steal of a deal.

[yqtszhj]

Why... pull up a chair around the old fire. I've always been partial to the 45, especially after inheriting my Dad's Colt Commander Lightweight. My first carry gun was a Colt Mustang Pocketlite 380. It was easy to carry except I was always nervous about the hammer back and no safety. Well I didn't carry much as I knew my company would not like it and I was in a very visible position.

After I retired, my wife wanted me to carry and I discovered you need a permit, etc. At the same time I discovered my $400 Mustang was now worth a whole lot more, too much to carry. Well that and a lot of carry heavyweights said the 380 was better than nothing but a 9mm up was better.

I tried the Glock 40 & 45 but the grip was too big for my old hands. So then it was why not a 9mm in the pocket. So I spent a few months reading all the specs and trolling the brand forums. The PM9 rated very high and I believed it would pocket carry well. I bought it and while it does pocket carry I didn't like it. I had trouble with my hand digging it out of the pocket to the extent that I'd have to offer the bad guy a smoke while I fumbled with it. That's when I tried the Silent Thunder IWB and fell in love. The perfect holster for the perfect gun.

As time went on I never got the hang of really accurate shooting the PM9. I figured out the grip was twisting in my hand. It is too small for my arthritic hands to keep from having to twist it back onto the target. Then I shot the Glock G30 Short Frame and it was like the momma bear of grips. I simply feels right and my shots go where i want them without having to work at it. I put Big Dots on it and am bad ass good with it. Well, no Steven Seagal but better than before and the IWB is very comfortable.

So then I had a PM9 that I struggled with and a G30 SF that I liked. So I then discovered I could sell off my 9mm stuff and pay for a second, identical G3 SF like a straight across trade. I've always been told to have a second gun in case something happens to the first. Now I do. I have one holster, one reloading caliber, one LaserLyte trainer, one training drill with either gun.

Now aren't you glad you asked, or are you sound asleep. I love it when one of my grandkids asks me to tell them why something and after a few minutes into my story they're looking around trying to figure out how to escape. I guess it's an old man thing.

I've been toting my CW45 lately and it carries pretty good AIWB. I went shooting it the other day and after 1 box I pulled out the wife's 9mm and all I could think was "Those sure are some small bullets."

Later I carried my CM9 and I realized that it was noticeably smaller and lighter after carrying my CW45. So I think what I need to do is carry my Officers size .45 around for a while and then when I go back to the CW45 it will seem even lighter. Why do I play these head games with myself?

My perfect gun would be a CW45s (for short) that had the grip of the CW45 and the barrel length of the CM9. I guess I'm never satisfied.:cool:

[Barth]

Why... pull up a chair around the old fire. I've always been partial to the 45, especially after inheriting my Dad's Colt Commander Lightweight. My first carry gun was a Colt Mustang Pocketlite 380. It was easy to carry except I was always nervous about the hammer back and no safety. Well I didn't carry much as I knew my company would not like it and I was in a very visible position.

After I retired, my wife wanted me to carry and I discovered you need a permit, etc. At the same time I discovered my $400 Mustang was now worth a whole lot more, too much to carry. Well that and a lot of carry heavyweights said the 380 was better than nothing but a 9mm up was better.

I tried the Glock 40 & 45 but the grip was too big for my old hands. So then it was why not a 9mm in the pocket. So I spent a few months reading all the specs and trolling the brand forums. The PM9 rated very high and I believed it would pocket carry well. I bought it and while it does pocket carry I didn't like it. I had trouble with my hand digging it out of the pocket to the extent that I'd have to offer the bad guy a smoke while I fumbled with it. That's when I tried the Silent Thunder IWB and fell in love. The perfect holster for the perfect gun.

As time went on I never got the hang of really accurate shooting the PM9. I figured out the grip was twisting in my hand. It is too small for my arthritic hands to keep from having to twist it back onto the target. Then I shot the Glock G30 Short Frame and it was like the momma bear of grips. I simply feels right and my shots go where i want them without having to work at it. I put Big Dots on it and am bad ass good with it. Well, no Steven Seagal but better than before and the IWB is very comfortable.

So then I had a PM9 that I struggled with and a G30 SF that I liked. So I then discovered I could sell off my 9mm stuff and pay for a second, identical G3 SF like a straight across trade. I've always been told to have a second gun in case something happens to the first. Now I do. I have one holster, one reloading caliber, one LaserLyte trainer, one training drill with either gun.

Now aren't you glad you asked, or are you sound asleep. I love it when one of my grandkids asks me to tell them why something and after a few minutes into my story they're looking around trying to figure out how to escape. I guess it's an old man thing.

You know I can't possibly read a post that long - LOL!

For me,
I feel that the way I shoot on my very worst day at the range.
Will likely be much better than the way I shoot for self defense.
After years of training I can shoot most any handgun well.
But on my worst day I shoot a .45 the best.
https://www.t-mobilepictures.com/myalbum/thumbnail/photo44/db/6f/12b180ff3d66__1362249623000.jpg?tw=0&th=720&s=true&rs=falsehttp://cdn.firearmstalk.com/forums/attachments/f17/5890d1252700341-frangible-bullets-choice-home-defense-.45-ranger.jpg

[ltxi]

Why... pull up a chair around the old fire. I've always been partial to the 45, especially after inheriting my Dad's Colt Commander Lightweight. My first carry gun was a Colt Mustang Pocketlite 380. It was easy to carry except I was always nervous about the hammer back and no safety. Well I didn't carry much as I knew my company would not like it and I was in a very visible position.

After I retired, my wife wanted me to carry and I discovered you need a permit, etc. At the same time I discovered my $400 Mustang was now worth a whole lot more, too much to carry. Well that and a lot of carry heavyweights said the 380 was better than nothing but a 9mm up was better.

I tried the Glock 40 & 45 but the grip was too big for my old hands. So then it was why not a 9mm in the pocket. So I spent a few months reading all the specs and trolling the brand forums. The PM9 rated very high and I believed it would pocket carry well. I bought it and while it does pocket carry I didn't like it. I had trouble with my hand digging it out of the pocket to the extent that I'd have to offer the bad guy a smoke while I fumbled with it. That's when I tried the Silent Thunder IWB and fell in love. The perfect holster for the perfect gun.

As time went on I never got the hang of really accurate shooting the PM9. I figured out the grip was twisting in my hand. It is too small for my arthritic hands to keep from having to twist it back onto the target. Then I shot the Glock G30 Short Frame and it was like the momma bear of grips. I simply feels right and my shots go where i want them without having to work at it. I put Big Dots on it and am bad ass good with it. Well, no Steven Seagal but better than before and the IWB is very comfortable.

So then I had a PM9 that I struggled with and a G30 SF that I liked. So I then discovered I could sell off my 9mm stuff and pay for a second, identical G3 SF like a straight across trade. I've always been told to have a second gun in case something happens to the first. Now I do. I have one holster, one reloading caliber, one LaserLyte trainer, one training drill with either gun.

Now aren't you glad you asked, or are you sound asleep. I love it when one of my grandkids asks me to tell them why something and after a few minutes into my story they're looking around trying to figure out how to escape. I guess it's an old man thing.

No, now I understand your rationale. Was curious because I'm thinking of making 9mm more of a staple.

Partial to 1911 .45s. Grew up on them. Own eight or nine. Also have a LW Mustang that I carried for years before moving to the PM9. I've found the 9mm to be quite usefully attractive in today's lw compacts as well as some heavier guns. Have three Kahrs in the caliber, a 940 Smith, and a SIG. As I think about paring down my too many calibers collection I've picked up conversion barrels for my G23 and G27 and am considering getting a lw short barrel 1911 Wilson....something I would have considered heretical a few years ago,

[jeepster09]

Something to offend everybody... :amflag:

I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.'I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'


I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.'


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope, you're still black.'


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!


An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.A man asks “What is wrong??”
The boy says “Me ma is dead.”“Oh bejaysus”the man says “Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you? ”The boy replies“No tanks,mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself I'm going to take that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him “Where am I?” The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. “You're in that feckin basket.”

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong.
The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair??”The answer I should have given was Fiji.

[mr surveyor]

"Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away.But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!"



mmmmmmm..... BACON

[JFootin]

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/50083d1362595544-post-your-funny-pi_zps54fec732.jpg

[jocko]

funier than heh. thanks Jfootin.

[GROTMAN]

http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/28oEduy.jpg (http://uberhumor.com/lucky-to-be-alive)

[ltxi]

Something to offend everybody... :amflag:


Sadly, I'm not offended. I must be insensitive. :cool:

[wyntrout]

Quote

Judge Judy to Prostitute:
"When did you realize you were raped?"


Prostitute (wiping away tears): "When the check bounced."


The American Public will soon reach the same conclusion









Wynn:D

[GROTMAN]

Sorry I know the other thread was shut down but just had to get this in..maybe she thought it was a revulva :o. I promise I will not say anymore about it. :angel:

[jocko]

OK grotman, ur excused. two of the best I hve seen in a long while. Ur perfert card is in the mail.

I just gotta tellu the shark attack , my gutt hurts from laughing so much. Ihad to send this to my preacher:Amflag2:

[GROTMAN]

Quote
Judge Judy to Prostitute:
"When did you realize you were raped?"



Prostitute (wiping away tears):"When the check bounced."



The American Publicwill soon reach the same conclus





Wynn:D
Would that be considered rape or shoplifting ?

[ltxi]

I don't think if you write a bad check it would be shoplifting. Theft of services perhaps.

[jocko]

How could anyone lock threads like this??? Huh, now I ask you. This is what separates this forum from the rest of the gun argument forums.IMO YMMV

[jocko]

damn: Jeepster, those are hilarious. I sent tem on to my preacher also andto my oldest sister who just became a nun.

damn u guys areon a real roll..

[jocko]

Would that be considered rape or shoplifting ?

maybe: just a bum fokk:Amflag2:

[OldLincoln]

Just saw this gun safety video somewhere else and knew I had to share with my family.

Gun Safety (https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=IouUsPsUg4Y)

Enjoy and take notes!

[GROTMAN]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/578394_420166834738161_802893877_n.jpg

[mr surveyor]

looks like an evil Beretta 92 FS .... with way too many bullets in the clip thingamajig

[Tinman507]

Is that a Barth firearm? Barrel looks ported

[jeepster09]

WalMart greeter
Two hours into my first day of work as a WalMart greeter, an ugly woman came in with her two kids.

Hearing her swear at them, I said, "Good morning, welcome to WalMart. Nice kids, are they twins?"

The mom answered, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why would you think they're twins? Are you blind or stupid?"

I replied, "I'm not blind or stupid. I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at WalMart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[GROTMAN]

I think this is one of Jeepster's friends..

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Barth]

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/578394_420166834738161_802893877_n.jpg


Is that a Barth firearm? Barrel looks ported

I think that's my shinny 5.47" P220 Sport un ported barrel?
https://www.t-mobilepictures.com/myalbum/photos/photo16/e2/ea/2309f66b6a33__1326476079000.jpg

The 5.10" dual ported one is flat black and looks like this:
https://www.t-mobilepictures.com/myalbum/thumbnail/photo21/1f/a8/235f0e4282ad__1341891045000.jpg?tw=0&th=720&s=true&rs=false

[JFootin]

How Pumpkin Pies Are Made In TEXAS !

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/50450d1362889560-post-your-funny-pi_zpsf7d00b44.jpg

[wyntrout]

I guess 8 more months or so might erase that image!:eek: I wonder how they get the whipped cream... NEVER MIND!!:eek:

Wynn:D

[jeepster09]

I guess 8 more months or so might erase that image!:eek: I wonder how they get the whipped cream... NEVER MIND!!:eek:

Wynn:D

Here ya go.....:eek:

[wyntrout]

What happens when engineers own dogs:

A lot of WORK went into this!

http://www.wimp.com/engineersdogs/

Wynn:D

[jlottmc]

That was pretty funny actually. I may show that to an engineer buddy of mine.

[aray]

Cross posted from another forum:

How to Simulate Being in the Navy

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow air up your chimney, with a leaf blower and let the wind carry the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500 , blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. "Now sweepers, sweepers, man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all **** cans and butt kits!"

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering the rest.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one-- the same one every night.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting "Now general quarters, general quarters! All hands man your battle stations!

21. Make your family's menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs.Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose and put out a simulated fire..

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog into the pool and shout "Man overboard, port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup, "Stove manned and ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoe box.

28. Make your family turn out all the lights and go to bed at 10 p.m. "Now taps, taps! Lights out! Maintain silence throughout the ship!" Then immediately have an 18-wheeler crash into your house. (For aircraft carrier sailors.)

29. Build a fire in a trash can in your garage. Loudly announce to your family, "This is a drill, this is a drill! Fire in hangar bay one!"

30. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand in front of the podium for 4-hour intervals.
Best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

31. Next time there's a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest horse you can, put a two-inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it and turn him loose in a barn for six hours. Then get up and go to work.

32. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

33. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and let the pot simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

34. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

35. Sew the back pockets of your jeans onto the front.

36. Add 1/3 cup of diesel fuel to the laundry.

37. Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

38. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

39. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you'll take them to Disney World for liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

[OldLincoln]

Make me glad I was in the Air Force. What sold me was when I inform the recruiter I have very flat feet, he said "We want your brain, not your feet." True to his word I never had to march or even walk far after boot camp. Live two to a room with very comfortable beds and semi-private bathroom (toilet & Shower), each room had it's own sink. You were on liberty except when you had work. No passes, could just drive your car off/on base as you willed. Except for meeting my wife soon after, I wish I had stayed in.

[wyntrout]

This gave me a chuckle this morning... second time my buddy has sent me this, but funny. I sent him the Navy simulation... he had carrier duty during the SEA Games.:D

3. Candid Camera

Here's a fun video for your viewing pleasure. What happens when a top NASCAR driver, like Jeff Gordon, takes an unsuspecting car dealer for a test drive (http://thatssports.us1.list-manage2.com/track/click?u=07037fcd6cebce6b7ef9a4cc5&id=4c0bf23d63&e=633569d8c1)? Exactly what you'd think. Enjoy.

Wynn:)

[OldLincoln]

Wow, that was fun.... I wanna do it again!

[Bawanna]

I think I shat myself.

[aray]

Awesome. I wanna go too!

[wyntrout]

I've taken a few test rides in cars and tested the acceleration, maneuverability, and the brakes... had the ride-along salesmen gripping their armrests and their eyes bulging! My wife is even worse when she tests the brakes... unexpectedly! I've warned a few salesmen just before she locked 'em up in the parking lot... squeeling the tires!:eek:

I know my normal driving would scare those guys, but I'm a safe driver and really pay attention to EVERYTHING and expect the stupidest, worst actions from other drivers... I'm hardly ever surprised... and I can react to counter their actions... so far!

Wynn:D

[JFootin]

I was born and raised in the mountains of Western North Carolina, which has hundreds of miles of the most beautiful twisty, curvy roads in the world. I drove all sorts of cars on those roads. I would keep a little in reserve and follow sensible rules such as not crossing to the opposite lane in a blind lefthand turn. (If I could see it was clear, I would pin the apex.)

The year after I graduated high school, I had a 1965 Ford Mustang Fastback with the GT (high performance) option, close ratio 4 speed transmission, positraction differential, sport suspension, dual exhausts with chrome trumpet tips with louvered chrome caps on them poking out of chrome lined holes in the rear valence panel. Looked just like this:

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/1966MustangGT.jpg

http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs50/i/2009/281/9/c/1965_Mustang_GT_Fastback_rear_by_Partywave.jpg

My younger brother, Mike, was with me one day when I decided to drive to Chimney Rock Park (http://www.chimneyrockpark.com/) in Lake Lure, NC. It is a family owned scenic destination with glorious views of the lake and the mountains, and with trails going to caves and out to the waterfall that plumets hundreds of feet off the escarpment of Hickory Nut Gorge.

Here is Chimney Rock.
http://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-s/01/2c/64/f0/chimney-rock-mit-lake.jpg

Here is Hickory Nut Falls during the most colorful Fall color season that I think we ever had.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tZHxQuhT_8o/T_RTfBQd0-I/AAAAAAAACo8/82P7cwyA0n8/s1600/Hickory-Nut-Falls-blue-sky-2.jpg

When I was young and strong, I hiked all of those trails and climbed the hundreds of steps exploring that site.

For 40 years, the park was host to a yearly SCCA hillclimb race along the smooth and very curvy access road. I attended the race as a spectator many times. Well, on the day I am talking about, it was in the middle of the week and very quiet. There was only one car parked in the upper parking lot, a wide track Pontiac Bonneville. There was a security guard standing at the edge of the parking area, so I asked him if it would be alright if I ran the hillclimb course at speed. He said he didn't care, but I asked him that, if the occupants of that Pontiac returned and wanted to leave, he would hold them until I got back up there, completing the course. He said he would.

So, I drove back down to the starting line by the picnic grounds and asked Mike to time me as I attacked the hill. Now, Mike was used to riding with me on public roads where I kept a lot in reserve. But this was a race course and I intended to hold nothing back! I laid rubber as I got underway, throttle wide open accelerating past the picnic grounds and heading for the first of many tight hairpin curves. As I approached the curve with the speedometer needle sweeping past the 100 mark and the gas pedal still on the floor, Mike started anxiously wanting me to hit the brakes. But I was racing and I hadn't reached the braking point yet. As we got closer, moving ever faster, Mike started pressing the imaginary brake pedal so hard that he straitened out like a plank with his butt not even touching the seat! :eek: LOL! That was so funny! I wish I could have taken a picture! :D

Well, I hit the brakes just in time and made the corner with Mike mumbling some complaints, and continued up the course. Near the top is the closest thing to a straitaway, where the road undulates slightly left, right, left ... but it can be taken at speed. At the far end, there is a house sitting behind a rock wall that lines the inside of a very tight lefthand hairpin curve. When I was about 2/3 of the way up the snaky straitaway going well in excess of 100 mph, guess what came around that curve? YES! That big, wide Bonneville full of white haired old people! When they saw me, their faces turned as white as their hair! :eek: No problem for me. I slowed down and passed them with no problem. Then I continued around that turn and another short distance to the top.

The pot bellied security guard was nowhere to be found. :mad:

That was back in the late 60s. Oh, to be young and living adventures like that again!

[JFootin]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to
buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I
can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you
had a prescription." :D

[getsome]

Bubba and Jim Bob are out deer hunting on Bubba's property and they come to a clear spot where they can see Bubba's trailer and there is a strange truck parked in the driveway...Bubba was carrying a lever action with iron sights but Jim Bob had a bolt action with a 9 power scope so Bubba says to Jim Bob, take a look through your scope and see who's truck that is at my place...

Jim Bob takes a long look through his scope and says well I don't know who's pickup that is but the drapes are open and I can see your wife and a strange feller I don't know buck neked and justa doin it on your sofa...

Bubba says, I knew it, just as soon as I was out of the house 10 minutes that hussy went and called over her no count boyfriend....Bubba thinks about it a minute and says, since you can see both of um through your scope plain as day and there is no mistaking what they are up to here is what I want you to do, When you get a clear shot I want you to shoot her in the head then shoot that feller in the nuts....

Jim Bob says, No problem at all Bubba man, I can hit both of um easy just like you want with just one shot!!!....:001_tt2:

[Bawanna]

Following Michelles recent white house portrait and in lieu of her magazine cover photo, another recently released photo from the white house.

Sorry Scoundrel, I just couldn't help myself. Thanks to my anonymous donor who shall remain nameless to protect him from the black helicopters which I so welcome. Bring it!

[OldLincoln]

Bawanna.... consider yourself suspended for 5 days!!

[Bawanna]

Ok. I tried to be good, really I did. Wally thunk it up.

[GROTMAN]

Judging by last year..thought there would be a lot of these posted by now.. Happy St Patrick's Day everbody..:D

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"

[GROTMAN]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a freezer to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both fell out of the stupid tree and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a p#nis!!

[OldLincoln]

This one's for you Bawanna!!

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/530399_487295097990167_1216367572_n.jpg

[Bawanna]

Hilarious new definitions of words (Washington Post Mensa)

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an *******.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[Bawanna]

On Becoming Illegal.


FORMS ARE GOING FAST - SIGN UP TODAY!
Becoming Illegal

(Actual letter from an Oregon

resident sent to his Senator)

The Honorable Wyden
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254
Washington DC, 20510


Dear Senator Wyden,


As a native Oregonian and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.


My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for only three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.


Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.


Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.


Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me, given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance


Your Loyal Constituent, (hoping to reach "illegal alien" status rather than just a bonafide citizen of the USA )
Dale B. Rilyeu
Lebanon, Or
Get your Forms (NOW)!!
Call your Internal Revenue Service at 1-800-289-1040

[Tinman507]

aIyQn9jRjP8

[wyntrout]

Good grief what a bunch of sadistic f@&$ers! Some of those were pretty funny, though!

Wynn:D

[wyntrout]

The only bad thing was that some people WERE injured in making the videos!:eek:

Wynn:D

[getsome]

No doubt the guy's head in the ceiling fan had to smart a bit...:eek:

[Tinman507]

Ever get snapped by a mousetrap? that HURTS!

[Tinman507]

http://laughjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/optical-illusion.jpg

[MW surveyor]

There's a beach in that picture?

[Bawanna]

Didn't work for me, I tried it 4 times, still no beach. I did vaguely make out a Christmas Ham but I might have been distracted.

[TheTman]

Well friends,
I've been scarce around here lately, some are probably happy for that. I've been getting things ready for the arrival of my new Russian lady friend.
We have been talking for a couple months, and next week she is traveling to Moscow to make the arrangements to come to the USA with either a Fiance Visa or a Work Permit, depending on what she can get. I was expecting the scam where she asks me to send her money, then I never hear from her again, but I think this one is a good one, she has been saving money for a long time to pay her own way over to USA. I may have to go to New York to fetch her and bring her back to Kansas, but am not sure yet, as she hasn't booked a flight. I am trying to get her to fly to Dallas, so I can drive down there and pick her up, but just don't know yet what she is able to afford for the flight. Man I hate New York, I don't really want to have to go there. I told her I'd rather just buy her a plane ticket to go ahead and fly to Kansas, than fly to New York, find her, and turn around and fly back to Kansas. I've read all the horror stories about Russian "brides" but so far everything has been on the up and up. I told her that asking American men for money is a bad thing to do, as that sets off the scam alerts. She understands this, from a prior experience, so she has been putting money aside to pay for everything to get to America. I imagine once she gets here I will be even scarcer. Here is a picture of her:
http://kartalk.pccomps.com/Svetacafe.jpg

[Bawanna]

Here I thought you were an old dude like most of the rest of us. You cradle robbing or what.

She's a cutie for sure.

PM where I can sign up to get me a couple. Don't do it here as Jocko will be ordering a boat load and weeding out all the ugly ones and sending them to Washington.

[Tinman507]

She's gorgeous!!! Mazel Tov!!

[rjt123]

Well friends,
I've been scarce around here lately, some are probably happy for that. I've been getting things ready for the arrival of my new Russian lady friend.
We have been talking for a couple months, and next week she is traveling to Moscow to make the arrangements to come to the USA with either a Fiance Visa or a Work Permit, depending on what she can get. I was expecting the scam where she asks me to send her money, then I never hear from her again, but I think this one is a good one, she has been saving money for a long time to pay her own way over to USA. I may have to go to New York to fetch her and bring her back to Kansas, but am not sure yet, as she hasn't booked a flight. I am trying to get her to fly to Dallas, so I can drive down there and pick her up, but just don't know yet what she is able to afford for the flight. Man I hate New York, I don't really want to have to go there. I told her I'd rather just buy her a plane ticket to go ahead and fly to Kansas, than fly to New York, find her, and turn around and fly back to Kansas. I've read all the horror stories about Russian "brides" but so far everything has been on the up and up. I told her that asking American men for money is a bad thing to do, as that sets off the scam alerts. She understands this, from a prior experience, so she has been putting money aside to pay for everything to get to America. I imagine once she gets here I will be even scarcer. Here is a picture of her:
http://kartalk.pccomps.com/Svetacafe.jpg

Bawanna,

It looks like TMan has definitely thrown down a challenge in the Cyberbride category. Time to bring your "A" game.

[TheTman]

Thanks guys, Yes I am cradle robbing, but I made it clear I was a lot older than she is, but she says that is fine as long as I treat her well. I actually told her she should look for younger man and forget about me, but she kept on writing. Somehow she got my email, and contacted me. I was not even looking for a woman, then I started getting these emails from Russian women, and I for some reason I chose her to email back to ask her what the hell is going on, how did she get my email and stuff, and she told me, and we started talking, and I guess she liked the way I write.
And she liked my pictures, and what I wrote to her, so now she is coming to meet me. Very strange, I am still waiting for some type of scam, but so far so good.

[TheTman]

LOL, @ rjt123 this one I am keeping far far away from Bawanna!

[Bawanna]

Bawanna,

It looks like TMan has definitely thrown down a challenge in the Cyberbride category. Time to bring your "A" game.

It certainly would appear so indeed. BUT, you have to bring your "A" game to be a cyber bride of Bawanna. I love each and everyone of em.

I might take a poll and see if they'd be terribly upset if I ordered a Soviet cyber bride mate to add to the mix in the interest of International peace and accord ya understand.

I wonder what nagging sounds like in Russian? Probably about the same as English to a deaf guy huh? She'd definitely make an old guy feel young again or at least wish he was young again.

Of course any one of my cyber brides could out shoot her, I have no doubt of that, not that I'm expecting any shoot outs or anything.

[rjt123]

I might take a poll and see if they'd be terribly upset if I ordered a Soviet cyber bride mate to add to the mix in the interest of International peace and accord ya understand.

Would your other guns be jealous if you brought home a nice Mosin-Nagant? Just sayin'. ;)

[Bawanna]

Would your other guns be jealous if you brought home a nice Mosin-Nagant? Just sayin'. ;)

So far no problem. I have 3 and all is euphoric in my man cave. My Garand gave a little whimper at first but a little hug and quality time and we're all best of friends.

[mr surveyor]

"euphoric"?

don't they have a pill or something for that now?

[TheTman]

For one thing, she is not a "cyber bride" for long, as soon as she gets her Visa she will be coming her to be a real bride. Bawanna has a Swede, So in the interest of international harmony, I will add a Russian.
No doubt that Bawanna's cyber brides can out shoot her. But I'll get her started at the shooting range and see how she does. Hmm, I suppose I better get a Makarov for her.

Bawanna, you want me to send you some email addresses? I have a few I didn't get back with. But I think they want to be more than a "cyber bride".

[Bawanna]

Eh, better hold off. I'm not sure how well Swede's and Russians get along.

How does it work if she gets here and you don't like each other? I hope you do ya understand and maybe you've compared notes via email etc but if not do you have to send her back or what?

I worry about ya ya know? Want whats best for ya.

I'm sure your way ahead of me on all this. Maybe we'll have a kahrtalk wedding.

[TheTman]

That depends on what type of Visa she gets, if Fiance Visa, then she has to go home after 90 days if we don't get married. If it's a work permit,then she can stay until that runs out. I'm reasonably certain we will get along fine, or else I would not have her coming over. But there is always that chance we don't have the chemistry and things don't work out. I've had other relationships that were started on the computer, and they have worked out pretty well, except for things beyond our control, like my last girlfriend I met on the computer, had to go home to Washington to care for her mom that had a stroke, and we decided it is best we break up, as she had no idea when she could return. Funny, when you talk on the computer, you really get to know how a person thinks, and get a pretty good idea of her nature. Sveta seems to be a kind and caring person, she works in a care home for the aged.
She saw an older woman get hit by a car the other day, and rushed to her aid and got an ambulance on the way. She was very upset over the whole deal, feeling bad for the lady that got run over. Little things like that give you an insight into what they are like. I'm sure a big part of the deal, is she wants to come to America, but she also wants a man that will treat her nice, and not be a ******** like most Russian men. She says the Russian men treat women pretty bad.

[Bawanna]

Well I do hope it works out well for you.

I agree that we get to know people pretty good like here on the forum. I sometimes think it's best to stay on the forum, if we met in person maybe we wouldn't like each other so much ya know.

I would like to meet a bunch of the folks from here one day, I think it would be pretty cool. Maybe some day it will happen.

Keep us posted on the upcoming nuptials.

[ltxi]

No doubt the guy's head in the ceiling fan had to smart a bit...:eek:

I actually did that once. Stood up on a table in a tavern in NJ to make a speech in a drunken fit. That would have been back around '82. It didn't hurt as bad as you might expect. The bartender wasn't amused but she got over it. Ended up as my third wife, in fact. But then she eventually got over that, too.

I am living proof that natural selection does not always work.

[Tinman507]

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two new laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

I just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

[getsome]

Can we get an AMEN and a bag of Doritos from the Congregation for Brother Tinman

[MW surveyor]

a bridge. I think this is really something to see!

[jeepster09]

Why we shoot deer in the wild:
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

[OldLincoln]

Here is something I found uplifting:

http://i436.photobucket.com/albums/qq90/Magnus2131/light.jpg

Kinda like some days you get the bear and some days the bear gets you. But what the hell, either way a day in the woods is better than a day at work.

[GROTMAN]

Talk about inspirational...
http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/uuWR0O6.jpg (http://uberhumor.com/no-matter-how-hard-life-is-never-give-up)

[jeepster09]

Will I live to be 80?


Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment,I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,like playing golf, sailing, hiking, Or bicycling?'

"Yes I do" I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said

He looked at me and said,....


'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?.

[wyntrout]

Subject: THE MAGIC GREEN HAT



The other day I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.

I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the hat.



http://i1134.photobucket.com/albums/m620/wyntrout/USBPHat.jpg

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

But..don't try it at McDonald's. The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order!



Wynn:D

[jeepster09]

Good one!

[jeepster09]

Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take Us to
your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I Were
you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your
leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that!I
don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien."He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalatic
travels, when a guy has a p&nis he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

[wyntrout]

HA! HA! Got a good laugh with that one!

Wynn:D

[Tinman507]

7 degrees of Blondeness

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang
at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles
from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?'

The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'

A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[GROTMAN]

Blonde to the 8th degree?
A blonde walked into a party store and asked the cashier if he had a hanger she could use to unlock her car because she locked her keys inside.

The cashier nodded and handed her a hanger. She thanked him, went outside and got to work, jiggling the hanger and pulling it up and down trying to open the lock.

A few minutes later the cashier decided to check on the blonde and saw her trying to pull the lock open, while another blonde who was sitting inside the car was yelling "a little to the left...no, a little to the right..."

[jeepster09]

My job!
Someone once asked me, "What is your job?"


I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, he asked, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my f**king advice,she'll ask me for it."

[JFootin]

Saw this on the TaurusArmed.net forum:
http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/51849d1364301491-seems-folks-armsli_zps5ab2537d.jpg

[Tinman507]

A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the waitress comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says," I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

[Tinman507]

SD5AiDxqOKk