April Warning! Anything goes here! (Within reason!) [Archive]

CJB

03-31-2013, 07:48 PM

In homage to our very much missed, the Honorable Deitrich, I've been doing a column for the past few months in our ABATE newsletter, which is called "The Help Desk" with Uncle Grumpy.

Aprils column:

The HELP DESK
with Uncle Grumpy

Dear Uncle Grumpy,
I've been living with my girlfriend for three years. I really love her. The only thing is, her butt is always so cold its like sleepin' with an iceburg. What can I do about it?
Cory S. - Delray

Cory,
Her ass is big enough to sink the Titanic, so it doesn't surprise me. Time to push her out to sea, bro.

~
Dear Uncle Grumpy,
I'm an electrician, but times are tough, and work ain't too regular. I took a job at Walmart to help make ends meet, but all I could get was the graveyard shift. Now all the folks in my condo won't leave me alone. They keep asking about whats going on at Walmart. Its starting to piss me off. What should I do?
Eddy C. – Lake Worth

Eddy,
What happens late at night at Walmart that so many folks want to know?

~
Dear Uncle Grumpy,
My significant other has always worn a 42 long, but now, all I'm hearing about is how the sizes must have changed since the 42 longs don't fit any more. What's up with that?
Chris M. - Jupiter

Chris,
Are we talkin' about mens jacket size or ladies bra size?

~
Dear Uncle Grumpy,
I can't decide which bird to get. I really like cockatiels, but since my ol' man moved out, I've got extra space, so was thinking about something bigger like a maccaw. I can't decide. Help!
Angie W. – West Boca

Angie,
Personally, I think cockatiels are a little skimpy. If you're planning to have any folks over, I'd roast up a nice fat maccaw with curry and rice stuffing. Add some chunked mixed veggies, sweet potoatos and home cooked bisquits as side dishes and you'll have some real good fixin's. A meal like that is sure to put a feather in your cap.

Need advice? Send your cards and letters to Uncle Grumpy in care of ABATE Palm Beach, or email Uncle Grumpy at writeunclegrumpy@gmail.com. If your question is selected, it will appear here with Uncle Grumpy's timely and valuable commentary.

Tinman507

04-01-2013, 05:46 AM

http://tinycamper.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/installing-spring1.jpg

LorenzoB

04-01-2013, 08:39 AM

You might like this one Jocko!

8124
http://www.kropserkel.com/horse_head_pillow.htm

MW surveyor

04-01-2013, 10:19 AM

How about this ... what's the record for the largest number of posts by someone who doesn't actually own a gun yet? I just passed 100 a couple of days ago.

I think there is a guy on the S&W forum and also someone on the Cast Boolit forums that have you beat by several hundred posts!:ohmy:

Barth

04-01-2013, 11:45 AM

Required gun related information:
http://walkingdead.wikia.com/wiki/Firearms
Spoiler Alert:
Andrea and Milton kick the bucket...
http://www.crapthatwillblowyourminds.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/The-Walking-Dead-2x06-andrea-happy-she-shot-daryl.jpghttp://cdn.gunaxin.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/judas-4.jpg

Tinman507

04-01-2013, 11:47 AM

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/524750_460390520709851_1792186229_n.jpg

muggsy

04-01-2013, 12:57 PM

he looks like a two bit con..

He is a two bit con. :)

Bawanna

04-01-2013, 01:19 PM

He is a two bit con. :)

See how much better I'm doing lately. You have to know that's exactly what I wanted to say but I held it in. I knew I could count on someone not to let me down and the facts would get out. Thanks muggsy for not letting me down.

Yours in Political Correctness

bawanna

AIRret

04-01-2013, 01:34 PM

Here's a good April Fools;
Obummer becomes a WORLD champion skeet shooter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JFootin

04-01-2013, 02:41 PM

See how much better I'm doing lately. You have to know that's exactly what I wanted to say but I held it in. I knew I could count on someone not to let me down and the facts would get out. Thanks muggsy for not letting me down.

Yours in Political Correctness

bawanna

No, you wanted to say monkey! Admit it. You know it's true! :Amflag2:

Bawanna

04-01-2013, 03:20 PM

No, you wanted to say monkey! Admit it. You know it's true! :Amflag2:

But I didn't! That's the point, I also made no mention of the missing links wife's fat backside, ah crap, look what you done, 3 months of therapy down the drain.

MW surveyor

04-01-2013, 04:14 PM

Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, the car hits it full on, and the
car comes to a stop.
Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out
and check--you were driving."
So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but
it was old. "You were driving,
so you go and tell the farmer," says Nancy. Two hours later the chauffeur
returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks
Nancy. The chauffeur replies,
"When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the
wife gave me a wonderful meal and
the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Nancy. "I
just knocked on the door
and when it opened I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've
just killed the old cow."

Posted without comment!
MW

wyntrout

04-01-2013, 04:22 PM

Big Laugh on that one!

Wynn:D

RevRay

04-01-2013, 04:39 PM

Bawanna

04-01-2013, 04:41 PM

So what are you saying ... I'm the man here on KahrTalk?

I think your definitely the man here on Kahrtalk but not for long. I hope.

I probably have the most post for a guy that used to have guns but don't have any anymore.

MW surveyor

04-01-2013, 04:59 PM

So what are you saying ... I'm the man here on KahrTalk?

Yep! You da man here on Kahr Talk. That other guy is just a poser.:)

Barth

04-01-2013, 05:04 PM

http://gallery.mailchimp.com/f58d3c71ff52b50e1aa43dc1e/images/drone_loads_product_image_2.jpg

MW surveyor

04-01-2013, 05:05 PM

First the semi-serious

Youngest daughter (34 years old) has decided to get married after years of saying it's not gonna happen. The wedding is not until June and she has asked her sister to provide my grandson as the rig bearer. So it's ok with the older daughter but she has some reservations as the younger daughter wants the grandson to wear a kilt. He says that he's not wearing a kilt (or as he calls it a skirt) or a tux (yes you can get them for a 2 year old).

So today I find this little snip and send it to both daughters. Both of them got a kick out of it. Hope you do too.

GROTMAN

04-01-2013, 05:53 PM

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/6750_429985223754670_155438862_n.jpg

Tinman507

04-01-2013, 05:57 PM

http://www.guns.com/2013/04/01/maryland-school-board-nixes-l-from-alphabet-because-it-looks-like-a-gun/

Tinman507

04-05-2013, 02:31 PM

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc7/292289_565929543441366_34171971_n.jpg

jocko

04-05-2013, 02:36 PM

Ok thanks tinman. I have my home up for sale and ol jocko is one his way to the state of Washngton

wyntrout

04-05-2013, 03:14 PM

You like to "ride hogs", eh? :boink:

Washington State is run by the Liberals in Seattle... most of whom probably migrated up there from Commifornia... then try to remake it in their image... as has happened in Colorado!:eek:

Wynn:(

Bawanna

04-05-2013, 03:23 PM

Most of our hogs are over 40 pounds though. Something to think about, course the woods are pretty thick and brushy. Almost considered behind closed doors.

Tinman507

04-05-2013, 03:26 PM

Washington Biker Chick?

http://www.thingsville.us/uploaded_images/tattooed-pig-taxidermy-753595.jpg

wyntrout

04-05-2013, 03:37 PM

That's an expensive thing to do to B A C O N!

Wynn:D

jocko

04-05-2013, 04:05 PM

Most of our hogs are over 40 pounds though. Something to think about, course the woods are pretty thick and brushy. Almost considered behind closed doors.

at one time startout as little pigs, then they eventually end up like Pegosie and einsten and our soon the be next president Hillary:amflag:

340pd

04-05-2013, 04:06 PM

Gun control Denny Crane style. I had forgotten this scene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_KvO-8IvoCI

wyntrout

04-05-2013, 04:10 PM

Dang! I loved that series... was trying to remember WTF Denny Crane was... sounded very familiar.:D

Wynn:)

Bawanna

04-05-2013, 04:11 PM

at one time startout as little pigs, then they eventually end up like Pegosie and einsten and our soon the be next president Hillary:amflag:

Ironic that they are referred to as Weiner pigs, which is close to whiner pigs, and sadly it's the poor juvenile pig that gets the bad rap.

wyntrout

04-05-2013, 04:17 PM

This is so true... from my favorite comic:

Wynn:D

MW surveyor

04-06-2013, 06:23 AM

Did somebody mention bacon?

MW surveyor

04-06-2013, 10:50 AM

BTW - Ol Jfootin has been hanging around over at the S&W forum.

Just so you know that he has divided loyalties. :)

jeepster09

04-06-2013, 11:04 AM

The Coyote Principle

In California

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along
a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the
Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon
the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop
because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures
the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for
diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead
dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500
getting checked for diseases from the coyote and
on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months
while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to
make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds
implementing a "coyote awareness program" for
residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study
how to better treat rabies and how to permanently
eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not
stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to
hire and train a new agent with additional special
training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files
a $5 million suit against the State.

IN TEXAS :

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along
a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State
issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has
spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and
Texas is not.

Armybrat

04-06-2013, 11:16 AM

Actually, Governor Perry used his personal Ruger LCP .380 ACP. ;)

So Ruger took note of the incident and quickly came out with this special "commemorative" LCP:

http://www.thefirearmblog.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/tmp_dropzone_texan380-tfb.jpg

OldLincoln

04-06-2013, 11:53 AM

OldLincoln

04-06-2013, 12:06 PM

The "Rate of Unemployment" dropped to a new 4 year low while at the same time, employers are at a near low for hiring. You may ask how is this possible? The answer is that Obama changed the number of unemployed by stopping unemployment for thousands of unemployed workers, thus reducing the rate. This gives him some time until the gap is filled with newly unemployed workers.

From Bloomburg
"Employers in March added the fewest workers in nine months and the jobless rate fell to a four-year low as the share of Americans in the labor force slumped, marking a pause in the job-market recovery."

I suggest a wait and see before adding debt.

Also, on page two....

Obama's proposed budget witll actually reduce Social Security next year and onward by adjusting the Cost of Living rate which is already bogus. However, this one is being fought hard by Dems. You know this is his "attempt at addressing the REAL entitlement problem" so when it fails he can proclaim "I tried compromise but those darn Republicans wouldn't pass it."

mr surveyor

04-06-2013, 12:10 PM

As you know America is facing a shortage in general practice doctors whic is expected to worsen as Obamacare takes hold. WalGreens Pharmacy (http://www.forbes.com/sites/brucejapsen/2013/04/06/as-walgreen-plays-doctor-family-physicians-bristle/) is stepping up it's clinic program staffed by Nurse Practitioners and guess what.... doctors are angry about it. They have been pampered so long as being "special" that they are afraid of loosing their status.

I know when I call my doctor for an appointment I am told the next one is 6 weeks out, followed immediately by you should visit the Urgent Care Center (owned by the medical group) who is staffed by....Nurse Practitioners. Now they want to claim people can be harmed and care will suffer, etc. I say bravo for WalGreens and anybody else that brings medical care to us "ordinary people".

I figger it won't be long until we all hafta get acquainted with "Doc Granny". Actually, if more folks understood that "Granny" can take care of about 25-30% of the little things a lot of folks rush to the free clinic/emergency room for, our system wouldn't be so over stressed. That, and get a handle on the overly extreme liability (aka frivolous lawsuits) issues that all doctors have to deal with when only a tiny minority of quacks are in the system.

Last Fall my bP meds ran out and I called in for a refill. Nope, can't do it without DR's orders. The Doc I use is now affiliated (obviously due to the silly liability thing) with a hospital "group", and the policy of the hospital group is that you can't get a refresh script without seeing the doc at least once a year. I called the Doc's office and the next available "slot" was 4 weeks:rolleyes:. My "condition" is very mild and not life threatening so I coulda just let it go, but it really pissed me off so I got in touch with the Doc in person. I was in the next day, we talked med stuff for about two minutes, then talked guns, concealed carry, looked at his pictures from his last "range trip", etc, for the rest of the allotted time. I had my script filled within an hour. We do have a really screwed up medical system now.

surv

JFootin

04-06-2013, 12:25 PM

BTW - Ol Jfootin has been hanging around over at the S&W forum.

Just so you know that he has divided loyalties. :)

It's no mystery here that my two favorite guns are my Custom Mirror Polished CM9...

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/My%20Custom%20CM9/KahrCM9PolishedLSwMagandBullets.jpg

and my Customized J-frame with Gloss Black Duracoat finish and the DA trigger lightened to 4.25 lbs...

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Miscellanious%20Guns%20and%20Holsters/My638-1.jpg

So I check out what is going on at the S&W Forum, too. I also own a Taurus TCP. so I visit the TaurusArmed.net Forum (http://www.taurusarmed.net/index.php)(a pretty fun place). And I own a Walther PPQ, so I visit the Walther Forum (interesting because the U.S. sales manager interacts with us about marketing decisions and issues regarding the divorce from S&W).

But KT is still home! :D

Bawanna

04-06-2013, 01:37 PM

Wow, all those guys have forums too? I thought it was just us.

Guess I really did just fall out of turnip truck.

MW surveyor

04-06-2013, 01:51 PM

Just pull'in your crank JFootin. You've got waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more posts here. :)

kahrseye

04-06-2013, 02:33 PM

Gun Control in West Virginia:

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in West Virginia,
> asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to
> Slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
> Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together,a
> child in America dies from gun violence.”
>
> Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Virginia drawl,
> pierced the quiet and said:
>
> “Well, dumb ass, stop clapping”

jocko

04-06-2013, 02:46 PM

ow thats a good one andI don't care who u are.

GROTMAN

04-06-2013, 06:02 PM

I don't have half the knowledge about guns that most of you do..but pretty sure this isn't a good idea :eek:
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/544343_447057885370640_1864111240_n.jpg

Barth

04-06-2013, 06:18 PM

I don't have half the knowledge about guns that most of you do..but pretty sure this isn't a good idea :eek:

I'm sure Shotgun Joe Biden approves of the creative firearm use.
Obummer practicing skeet shooting in the oval office.
http://patdollard.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Obama-shoot-self-in-foot3.jpg

jocko

04-06-2013, 06:18 PM

u know normally I would have sumpin to say about a photo but in this case I will just let everyone think about this photo. Did anyone think that maybe this person is giving birth to this gun and it is almost out.

U know I have heard the ol saying "out ur ass" many times in the past and now maybe we have sumpin to relate to. Just sayin.

JFootin

04-06-2013, 08:00 PM

You know, I always thought it would have been nice if they had captured Osama Bin Laden alive and put him in a cage at Gitmo. Then a well endowed soldier could visit him hourly and say,
"Hey Osama Bin Laden..." -
glancing down at his package -
"...yo mama, bin proddin!"

I'm a poet and don't know it! Make it rhyme every time! Lord, I'm sorry 'bout that. But that's funny right there, no matter who you are! :D

JFootin

04-07-2013, 10:56 AM

I like to respond humorously to TV commercials.

Maybelline has a little musical refrain in all of their commercials: "Maybe it's Maybelline." I always complete the refrain: "Maybe it ain't!" After all, they leave it open to conjecture by using the word 'maybe'. :D

I have been seeing this TV ad from Vonage for a couple of years, and I always ask these two questions:

The dark haired woman tells everyone in the world that her name is Laura Pruden. Why? Why does she think we need to know her name?
The blonde woman clears her throat and says, "Why did I not do this earlier?" I have to ask her, "Why did you not hock that lugie earlier, before you started filming that national TV commercial?"

lxGzwhvqp2I

MW surveyor

04-07-2013, 11:14 AM

Instant channel surf when that commercial comes on! If I hear her "hawk" one more time.............................................. .................I'm gonna go (you insert favorite phrase)

JFootin

04-07-2013, 03:11 PM

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,

Edit: Snopes.com says this is totally FALSE! Funny, though!

jlottmc

04-07-2013, 03:36 PM

Jfootin, a call to my DA's office with ANY kind of threat right now will get a quick and likely unpleasant response. Then again, look at the news and see what hasn't long happened in my county.

JFootin

04-07-2013, 03:41 PM

Jfootin, a call to my DA's office with ANY kind of threat right now will get a quick and likely unpleasant response. Then again, look at the news and see what hasn't long happened in my county.

Well, he did that using the BG's cell phone.

jlottmc

04-07-2013, 03:58 PM

My point is, one probably wouldn't be able to hang up fast enough. (Hint do a Google search on recent events in the DFW area counties, include results for the DA's office)

Oh and the 40 lbs. animal thing... I thought sheep weighed in ok, or is it lamb?

Barth

04-08-2013, 12:31 PM

http://l1.yimg.com/nn/fp/rsz/040813/images/smush/poodles_635x250_1365430663.jpg
A man who thought he bought a pair of poodles at an outdoor market.
Brought them home to the vet only to be told they were actually ferrets on steroids.
The man, a retiree from Catamarca, purchased the animals from Jocko.
The veterinarian informed him the ferrets
"had been given steroids at birth to increase their size
and then had some extra grooming to make their coats resemble a fluffy toy poodle,"
the paper says He paid $150 per poodle.

jocko

04-08-2013, 12:35 PM

#1 never trust ol jocko. #2 never trust ol jocko when he is onb his Harley as he is in a whole different woalrd at that time.

#3. quickest $300 bucks I ever made.

#4 I sold um to a fokkin Honder rider. I They resembled his fat ass wife.

#5 I rest my case

Bawanna

04-08-2013, 03:26 PM

Been around since Moses wore short pants but it still pleases me.

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him in to his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We don't let just anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Bawanna

04-08-2013, 03:44 PM

Anybody but me waste 2 1/2 hours of their life watching the movie of the year Argo?

How pathetic was the year that this would be the best of the best.

My wife bought it, 20 bucks and 2 1/2 hours of my life I'll never get back.

Maybe I could sell it, 75 cents delivered? Too much?

Barth

04-08-2013, 03:47 PM

Bawanna

04-08-2013, 03:58 PM

****.

MW surveyor

04-08-2013, 05:47 PM

So it was movie of the year when?

Never heard of it, never saw it, never want to see it.

Tinman507

04-08-2013, 05:53 PM

Is it just me or have we all crossed over to irrelevance and out of touch-ness? It seems all the things I enjoy and the standards I grew up with are suddenly against the mainstream. What I think is cool is out of style and what is considered cool is abhorrent to me. It's like i woke up this morning and became my parents. What the hell happened?

OldLincoln

04-08-2013, 06:34 PM

Just you!

Tinman507

04-08-2013, 06:41 PM

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/533390_477901438947416_2030023368_n.jpg

GROTMAN

04-08-2013, 06:43 PM

ltxi

04-08-2013, 07:06 PM

Barth

04-08-2013, 07:08 PM

Tinman.. We are the same age and I Know how you feel. Sometimes I look in the mirror I see my dad looking back at me.. I look back and can't believe the changes in this country over the past 30 yrs or so. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when things were more simple and carefree..or maybe it was just me..

I certainly don't see my dad when I look in the mirror - LOL!
And there's no way I want to turn back the clock 30 years either
(middle of second nightmare marriage).
Back then concealed carry was mostly reserved for the elite.
Plus no cell phones or internet?
It really wasn't the good old days for me.

We have big issues that need to be dealt with for sure.
But this is a special time as well.

jlottmc

04-09-2013, 10:02 AM

Bawanna, do you even know how to check a PM anymore, or is the box full?

Bawanna

04-09-2013, 10:30 AM

Bawanna, do you even know how to check a PM anymore, or is the box full?

I don't get ya? Lots of room in the box and I've gotten lots of PM's lately. You sending something I'm not getting?

Seems terribly rude of me to put you on ignore when I don't know I'm ignoring you. Try again please, operators are standing by.

MW surveyor

04-09-2013, 02:10 PM

Bet he's sending it to Banana instead of Bawanna.

Bawanna

04-09-2013, 02:30 PM

Well heck, I went back and scrutinized my PM inbox. Jocko, scrutinize, that means look things over very carefully.

Anyhow jlottmc did in fact send me a PM but it was with several others at the same time and I must have just missed it.

For the record, well I better wait for him to tell, he might want to keep it a secret and I don't want to be guilty of letting the cat out of the sack.

jocko

04-09-2013, 02:56 PM

scrutinize. could also mean screw a nazi..:Amflag2:

jocko

04-09-2013, 02:57 PM

Bet he's sending it to Banana instead of Bawanna.

they are both the same:Amflag2:

GROTMAN

04-09-2013, 06:37 PM

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/549111_233026063502499_1345764873_n.jpg

Bawanna

04-09-2013, 06:44 PM

Oh my! I love that one. I see that in a frame in my cubicle. Gonna be another letter for this one.

My hero Yosemite.

GROTMAN

04-09-2013, 06:50 PM

Oh oh..do i see another avatar change in your future ??? ;)

yqtszhj

04-09-2013, 07:10 PM

Oh my! I love that one. I see that in a frame in my cubicle. Gonna be another letter for this one.

Go for it.

OldLincoln

04-12-2013, 03:08 PM

getsome

04-12-2013, 03:17 PM

If the Augusta membership had been offered to Michelle O you wouldn't have heard a peep.... Condalisa Rice is a class act and has my respect for the job she performed for our country during her term and if the Demolibs have a problem with her then screw um....

jocko

04-12-2013, 03:33 PM

Saw where Condi joined Agusta Country Club and the liberals are raising cain calling her a tokenwoman and unworthyto be a representative of her color or gender. I know I shouldn't get ticked off at them I do. Perhapsmore so at the mice that follow them.

Sent from my Kindle Fire using Tapatalk 2

think the damn Master CLUB lowered itself by allowing a woman in but if it had tobe one I had no issues with Condi, Thats what us guys called her at the local bikers bar:Amflag2:

I think it is pure bull sh!t that we hav eto bow down to the minorities with everything. Just What did it really prove by them even doin this. U don't join the Master club , U ARE INVITED. Many billionaires have tried tobuy their way into the club and failed. I am still waiting for my invite, they know me though, 6 weeks before the Masters ol jockos herd of 500 goats are turned loose on the grounds and my guys eat anthing but pure grass, so credit the looks of the Masters course to ol jocko and his merry herd of ol goats Ol Hootie of the masters stumbled onto to me at a local county fair. I had my prize goats there. He was impressed. Everyone thinks it is the mowing equipent that makes the Masters course look so groomed. NOW U KNOW THE HOO TRUGHT..:Amflag2:

This is the gospel truth to, I swear on my prize goat "Bennie". He is known as the secretariat in the goat world,which by the way is even more elite than that silly ol masters club. We have green jackets, left over in the barn and they mold every year and u geT the same fokking hook to hanG it on to. U can't wear it off the grounds either, for actualy it smells so damn bad that the health dept would arrest u. There is pride in our oranization to as we can attest that we have no illegals, no nazi's no MUSLIMS, We do allow blacks but they choose not to join for there is some work involved. Just sayin

GROTMAN

04-12-2013, 06:06 PM

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, the first was from England, the second Wales, and the third was Ireland, were walking past the poor man feeling sorry for him.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, "'Ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

MW surveyor

04-12-2013, 06:13 PM

Good one. Better than being called "third base".

Tinman507

04-12-2013, 06:16 PM

https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/563632_569931556374498_796707132_n.jpg

GROTMAN

04-12-2013, 06:55 PM

Toss ME the Ball..;)

http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/1.gif (http://uberhumor.com/toss-me-the-ball)

OldLincoln

04-12-2013, 06:55 PM

Does anybody have the true info on the kid who has UTubes of him kicking the football (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBWxJdlxWvM) making impossible shots. He calls himself "Kickalicious" and was signed by the Detroit Lions to a 1 year contract. I mean can anybody kick a football like that? Or is it faked?

ltxi

04-12-2013, 07:04 PM

Toss ME the Ball..;)

http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/1.gif (http://uberhumor.com/toss-me-the-ball)

Fortunately, I'm no longer impressed nor fazed by half naked women. Fortunate being because they're no longer impressed nor fazed by me.

Bawanna

04-12-2013, 08:05 PM

Fortunately, I'm no longer impressed nor fazed by half naked women. Fortunate being because they're no longer impressed nor fazed by me.

Boy are you lucky Itxi, I still have to fight em off with a stick myself. Sadly too I'm very much fazed by half naked women.

I fear when I'm not it will be time for the dirt nap.

JFootin

04-12-2013, 08:11 PM

Boy are you lucky Itxi, I still have to fight em off with a stick myself. Sadly too I'm very much fazed by half naked women.

I fear when I'm not it will be time for the dirt nap.

Well, that one would do a lot more for me if she was facing the camera! :cool:

Barth

04-12-2013, 08:25 PM

http://www.counselheal.com/articles/4852/20130411/bras-make-breasts-saggier-15-year-french-study-reveals.htm
http://images.counselheal.com/data/images/full/3133/bra-breast-chest-woman.jpg?w=600
A new 15-year French study reveals bras do little to reduce back pain and, over time, they can actually make breasts sag even more.
"Medically, physiologically, anatomically - breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity,"
said Rouillon. "On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra."

Set the Puppies Free!

ltxi

04-12-2013, 08:31 PM

Boy are you lucky Itxi, I still have to fight em off with a stick myself. Sadly too I'm very much fazed by half naked women.

I fear when I'm not it will be time for the dirt nap.

Well, first you're much younger than I am. Second, didn't say I wasn't interested, just said I wasn't 13 year old slobbering impressed anymore....like I was with Annette F back when we were both 13. Third, she doesn't appear to all that concerned or impressed with herself....just kinda a normal person. Fourth, she has a kinda chubby butt anyway. Fifth, after the first fifty to a hundred you tend to get over it. Sixth, I have a Valerie Bertinelli age wife app for that.

Any questions?

Barth

04-12-2013, 08:33 PM

Well, first you're much younger than I am. Second, didn't say I wasn't interested, just said I wasn't 13 year old slobbering impressed anymore....like I was with Annette F back when we were both 13. Third, she doesn't appear to all that concerned or impressed with herself....just kinda a normal person. Fourth, she has a kinda chubby butt anyway. Fifth, after the first fifty to a hundred you tend to get over it. Sixth, I have a Valerie Bertinelli age wife app for that.

Any questions?

Too many answers...
We need a too much information button.
At least I do - LOL!

Bawanna

04-12-2013, 08:36 PM

I forgot what the questions were. I do love Valerie Bertinelli and Jennifer Love whats her name and Annette F.

50 - 100!:eek: REALLY? Your a damn gigillo!

GROTMAN

04-12-2013, 08:41 PM

Well, first you're much younger than I am. Second, didn't say I wasn't interested, just said I wasn't 13 year old slobbering impressed anymore....like I was with Annette F back when we were both 13. Third, she doesn't appear to all that concerned or impressed with herself....just kinda a normal person. Fourth, she has a kinda chubby butt anyway. Fifth, after the first fifty to a hundred you tend to get over it. Sixth, I have a Valerie Bertinelli age wife app for that.

Any questions?
Wasn't even so much about the half naked woman..just thought it was kind of funny the way all the balls were thrown back to her after the way she returned the first one..

ltxi

04-12-2013, 08:41 PM

Too many answers...
We need a too much information button.
At least I do - LOL!

Hey...blame Col B for inciting. He should never do that when I've been drinking. It provokes honest, uncensored thought.

Barth

04-12-2013, 08:42 PM

Hey...blame Col B for inciting. He should never do that when I've been drinking. It provokes honest, uncensored thought.

LOL, and like I don't share too much...

Just kidding my friend.
Rant on.

jeepster09

04-12-2013, 08:42 PM

Toss ME the Ball..;)

http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/1.gif (http://uberhumor.com/toss-me-the-ball)

I just wanted to see this again......;)

ltxi

04-12-2013, 09:06 PM

I forgot what the questions were. I do love Valerie Bertinelli and Jennifer Love whats her name and Annette F.

50 - 100!:eek: REALLY? Your a damn gigillo!

Nah....gigolos make money.

wyntrout

04-12-2013, 11:42 PM

I kind of thought of Jocko when I saw this.:D

Wynn:)

jocko

04-13-2013, 06:44 AM

looks like a proto type airstream. nice set up.

thanks wyn. I owe u one???????

yqtszhj

04-13-2013, 07:19 AM

when I've been drinking. It provokes honest, uncensored thought.

I find the same thing. If you see a post of mine that was sent at 11pm+ assume I couldn't sleep and I'm having a few to relax. All posted content should then be run through the charcoal mellowing filter if it comes across with the taste of turpentine.

JFootin

04-13-2013, 07:22 AM

...50 - 100!:eek: REALLY? Your a damn gigillo!

That's nothing. Shaq, MJ and many other famous athletes and celebs are reputed to have thousands of notches on their "guns"! Warren Beatty is said to have averaged doing it 4 times a day!

ltxi

04-13-2013, 07:24 AM

Wasn't even so much about the half naked woman..just thought it was kind of funny the way all the balls were thrown back to her after the way she returned the first one..

Oh, it was. That was good.

Barth

04-13-2013, 07:59 AM

Well, first you're much younger than I am. Second, didn't say I wasn't interested, just said I wasn't 13 year old slobbering impressed anymore....like I was with Annette F back when we were both 13. Third, she doesn't appear to all that concerned or impressed with herself....just kinda a normal person. Fourth, she has a kinda chubby butt anyway. Fifth, after the first fifty to a hundred you tend to get over it. Sixth, I have a Valerie Bertinelli age wife app for that.

Any questions?

Just comments.
Everybody here that knows me? knows I'm all about girls.
But personally I've had less girls than I've got fingers on one hand.
Still, those girls were pure magic.

And I wouldn't have it any other way...
http://cps-static.rovicorp.com/3/JPG_250/MI0000/083/MI0000083900.jpg?partner=allrovi.com

OldLincoln

04-13-2013, 05:06 PM

Dad buys Lie-Detecting ROBOT
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

yqtszhj

04-13-2013, 08:31 PM

Now that's funny.

ltxi

04-13-2013, 08:32 PM

Now that's funny.

.x2

phil413tx

04-13-2013, 10:22 PM

I like that one!

Tinman507

04-14-2013, 06:20 PM

Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The
robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot
brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy
says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the
bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says,
"Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's
your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about
NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his
whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "SO, . . . you people . . .
still happy . . . with Obama?"

Barth

04-15-2013, 07:45 AM

Tinman507

04-16-2013, 04:22 PM

http://i1147.photobucket.com/albums/o542/tinman507/presscookers_zps0bffa29c.jpg

GROTMAN

04-17-2013, 06:14 PM

ALMOST GOT MUGGED BY A FISH.. THANK GOD I CARRY..:)
http://i.imgur.com/sc7lmOk.jpg

Planedude

04-17-2013, 09:14 PM

Do you know what happened 160 years ago this fall...back in 1850?

http://us.mg205.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f171537%5fAN3FimIAAB7x UW9A4Qk%2bOmQ8sVc&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailRC

California became a state

The people had no electricity.

The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except then the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

A buddy of mine sent this and I thought I'd share.

yqtszhj

04-17-2013, 11:22 PM

Now that's funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barth

04-18-2013, 07:01 AM

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/--F9PocCHsLg/USenD_DU6WI/AAAAAAABABg/8CS2rfIkY2Y/s1600/celebrationtime.jpg

MW surveyor

04-18-2013, 06:00 PM

I wanted to post in Muggsy's "Remember when" thread this morning but Mr. B cut it off early into the mud sling'in. :40:

Bawanna

04-18-2013, 06:01 PM

I can be such a pain in the posterior sometimes.

MW surveyor

04-18-2013, 06:03 PM

I can be such a pain in the posterior sometimes.

No problem. Sometimes you gotta *** this stuff in the bud.

Bawanna

04-18-2013, 06:28 PM

If I'm gonna run for President, I need to start working on throwing my weight around don't I?

I'm thinking of getting me one of them rings like the Pope has and when demrats approach me they have to kiss the ring.

True Americans can do with a normal hand shake. I'll forgo the robes unless I can hide more weapons under em.

Maybe one of them staffs with a sword built in.

Tinman507

04-18-2013, 06:29 PM

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/602151_546849708714439_1717931701_n.jpg

MW surveyor

04-18-2013, 06:39 PM

Hey, I didn't know that n-i-p was a banned word! What the heck!

jeepster09

04-18-2013, 06:43 PM

ltxi

04-18-2013, 07:34 PM

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/602151_546849708714439_1717931701_n.jpg

Be very much 'ta likin' dat one.

Kong

04-18-2013, 10:43 PM

A muslim, a communist, and an illegal alien walk into a bar.
The bartender says, " Hello Mr President"

wyntrout

04-18-2013, 11:25 PM

You wouldn't want to turn sharply... you'd never stop rolling!:eek:

Wynn:D

OldLincoln

04-19-2013, 12:08 AM

With only 3 wheels it's a motorcycle with all the benefits in license, insurance, parking, no smog testing, etc.

mr surveyor

04-19-2013, 12:10 AM

You wouldn't want to turn sharply... you'd never stop rolling!:eek:

Wynn:D

I'm currently in the midst of a few rounds of celebratory cheap tequila so I may be a bit slow here ... what does that (above quote) mean????

jist kurious

serve... I mene "surv"

Bawanna

04-19-2013, 10:35 AM

When you wake up, go back a page, I believe it's in relation to the little round car. Not much on aerodynamics but kind of cute.

JFootin

04-19-2013, 11:05 AM

You wouldn't want to turn sharply... you'd never stop rolling!:eek:

Wynn:D

Let's look at this again...

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/602151_546849708714439_1717931701_n.jpg

Actually, I think it might stop when it rolled onto it's wheels again. An ingenius design! :D

Think of the custom painting possibilities. Paint it to look like any sort of ball: golf ball, baseball, football, socker ball, eyeball (:eek:). Or how about a large green smily?

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Smilies/BigSmily.jpg

Tinman507

04-19-2013, 11:57 AM

C8Keo97K9cs#!

deadeye

04-19-2013, 05:39 PM

Is that the Ovomit motors Chevy Volt?

Barth

04-19-2013, 06:10 PM

Went to the range today and quickly lit off 100 rounds of FMJs with the HK45CT clone.
The gun is very soft shooting and easy to rapid fire controlled center mass strings.

Very therapeutic I must say.
https://www.t-mobilepictures.com/myalbum/thumbnail/photo48/44/32/35446d2a3c24__1365344907000.jpeg?tw=0&th=720&s=true&rs=falsehttps://www.t-mobilepictures.com/myalbum/thumbnail/photo41/dd/11/ed5efa54daf3__1365347149000.jpg?tw=0&th=720&s=true&rs=false

Note to Kahr:
I'm still waiting on my MK45 Elite with NS.
When is that pup going to be ready again???
http://www.shootinggearoutlet.com/product_images/uploaded_images/kahr-logo.jpeg

jeepster09

04-20-2013, 04:36 PM

The Gorilla and The Redneck...

A small zoo in Indiana obtained a rare gorilla.
...
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the vet determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Jocko Lee, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Jocko Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. :D

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Jocko Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? :rolleyes:

Jocko Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Jocko Lee said, "I ain't gonna Kiss her on the lips." :001_tt2:
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a Harley's Rule T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Fourth", Jocko Lee said, "I want all the children raised going to church.
Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Jocko Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00. :eek:

jocko

04-20-2013, 07:13 PM

I am selling tickets to this event and I have pre-sold 250,000$ worth so far, the event will take place next saturday--sometme. Now who is the stupid one???? This for ol jocko lee is a steep up from the sheep. Just sayin

I actually got some good tips from obummer, who has alot of experience with apes. Just sayin:Amflag2:

jeepster09

04-20-2013, 07:50 PM

He get's paid in Banana's.......

JFootin

04-21-2013, 10:02 AM

No more kissing cousins:
Smartphone app helps Icelanders avoid accidental incest; Future versions for Arkansas and West Virginia

SOURCE:
No more kissing cousins: Smartphone app helps Icelanders avoid accidental incest | World | News | National Post (http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/04/18/no-more-kissing-cousins-smartphone-app-helps-icelanders-avoid-accidental-incest/)

REYKJAVIK, Iceland — You meet someone, there’s chemistry, and then come the introductory questions: What’s your name? Come here often? Are you my cousin?

In Iceland, a country with a population of 320,000 where most everyone is distantly related, inadvertently kissing cousins is a real risk.

A new smartphone app is on hand to help Icelanders avoid accidental incest. The app lets users “bump” phones, and emits a warning alarm if they are closely related. “Bump the app before you bump in bed,” says the catchy slogan.

Some are hailing it as a welcome solution to a very Icelandic form of social embarrassment.

“Everyone has heard the story of going to a family event and running into a girl you hooked up with some time ago,” said Einar Magnusson, a graphic designer in Iceland’s capital, Reykjavik.

“It’s not a good feeling when you realize that girl is a second cousin. People may think it’s funny, but (the app) is a necessity.”

The Islendiga-App — “App of Icelanders” — is an idea that may only be possible in Iceland, where most of the population shares descent from a group of 9th-century Viking settlers, and where an online database holds genealogical details of almost the entire population.

The app was created by three University of Iceland software engineering students for a contest calling for “new creative uses” of the Islendingabok, or Book of Icelanders, an online database of residents and their family trees stretching back 1,200 years.

Arnar Freyr Adalsteinsson, one of the trio, said it allows any two Icelanders to see how closely related they are, simply by touching phones.

“A small but much talked about feature is the loosely translated ’Incest Prevention Alarm’ that users can enable through the options menu which notifies the user if the person he’s bumping with is too closely related,” Adalsteinsson said.

ltxi

04-21-2013, 06:56 PM

Bad idea.

Sister is married to first cousin.

Quoting her..."incest is best"

Not WVA/KY/CA/wherever, either.

jocko

04-21-2013, 07:08 PM

in my area we call it "keepin it in the family" more or less...

yqtszhj

04-21-2013, 07:17 PM

Be careful if you do family tree research. I found I have a relative where a man married his niece (his brothers daughter) after his first wife died. It was about 150 years ago in Tennessee. I guess it wasn't specifically prohibited by law then.

Isn't that where the whole kissing cousins thing started?

jocko

04-21-2013, 07:28 PM

do thjey both play banjo's???/ Just sayin

u know kissin cousins can also be both males to, so lets get that sh!t out of the way..

wyntrout

04-21-2013, 08:46 PM

The Ultimate Saleman

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

wyntrout

04-21-2013, 08:49 PM

Subject: YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE...

The Italian MAN of His House. With his Italian wife!

Mario had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE MAN of Your

House'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to knowthat I amTHE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, we're going upstairs and we'll have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His Sicilian wife Maria replied, "The fookin' funeral director would be my first guess".

OldLincoln

04-21-2013, 11:38 PM

Borrowed from some other forum....

A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water.
Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'

She fooled them all.

"How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an Ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight; but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes."

She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress.
If we carry our burdens all the time,
sooner or later,
as the burden becomes increasingly heavy,
we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again.
When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden,
holding stress longer and better each time practiced.
So, as early in the evening as you can,
put all your burdens down.

Don't carry them through the evening and into the night.
Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull.
Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!

yqtszhj

04-22-2013, 12:28 AM

do thjey both play banjo's???/ Just sayin

u know kissin cousins can also be both males to, so lets get that sh!t out of the way..

Fortunately I'm not a direct descendant of the Uncle and Niece so I have only 5 fingers on each hand and 5 toes on each foot. Sometimes I have been accused of having a screw loose though. Fortunately I have never been accused of being related to a goat, LOL :D

Hey, and there is none of the guy to guy stuff either. They might have played banjos though.

jeepster09

04-22-2013, 07:37 AM

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano it was time for the Star of the Show-Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the Watch, Watch the Watch, Watch the Watch
The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. And then, suddenly,
the chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact" "SH!T !!! " said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited to entertain again!

wyntrout

04-22-2013, 09:35 AM

HA! HA!

Wynn:D

MW surveyor

04-22-2013, 10:04 AM

Thanks for the laugh!

GROTMAN

04-22-2013, 05:07 PM

Been thinking about taking up skydiving.
http://i55.photobucket.com/albums/g155/BigDWB/OhSh__T.jpg

Not anymore. :eek:

jocko

04-22-2013, 05:24 PM

Fortunately I'm not a direct descendant of the Uncle and Niece so I have only 5 fingers on each hand and 5 toes on each foot. Sometimes I have been accused of having a screw loose though. Fortunately I have never been accused of being related to a goat, LOL :D

Hey, and there is none of the guy to guy stuff either. They might have played banjos though.

but I just figured if obummer said it was now ok for this guyt on guy stuff, then mahybe ur banjo relation would not come out of the closet and maybe play a tone fur us. I mean on the banjo to.:Amflag2:

jlottmc

04-23-2013, 01:18 PM

Ok I may be a little behind the times, but I am looking for the video clip where Jeremy Clarkson punches Piers Morgan. Any help from the talent here would be much appreciated.

Bawanna

04-23-2013, 01:50 PM

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=jeremy+clarkson+punches+piers+morgan&mid=2067CE3C5D426633E1952067CE3C5D426633E195&view=detail&FORM=VIRE3

Tinman507

04-23-2013, 04:31 PM

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/931180_474591002623136_643096531_n.png

Tinman507

04-23-2013, 05:07 PM

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/387202_474660289282874_869970297_n.jpg

jlottmc

04-24-2013, 01:03 PM

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=jeremy+clarkson+punches+piers+morgan&mid=2067CE3C5D426633E1952067CE3C5D426633E195&view=detail&FORM=VIRE3

Kimosabe, I saw that before. I'm guessing you didn't actually watch that video. It shows not the actual footage. I do so want to see Piers get ***** slapped.

Bawanna

04-24-2013, 01:43 PM

There was a whole page of links to your inquiry. Perhaps I copied the wrong one.

I really don't want to look at him any more getting punched or not.

JFootin

04-24-2013, 03:35 PM

http://media.cmgdigital.com/shared/img/photos/2013/04/23/93/e0/h72219844.jpg

Bawanna

04-24-2013, 03:47 PM

Wonder if they are glutton free and low on polyunsaturated fats?

I treat my body like a shrine. A nasty dirty party atmosphere shrine but a shrine none the less.

yqtszhj

04-24-2013, 04:39 PM

I would have had to take that sign. I might ask the manager what they taste like first though.

MW surveyor

04-25-2013, 05:47 AM

Probably not chicken!

Barth

04-25-2013, 06:18 AM

Call me kooky - but isn't tasty ass an oxymoron?

I'm still wanting one of those cool bulletproof whiteboards.
Just to carry around all the time and be totally safe.
BTW when are the bulletproof backpacks coming out?

Isn't this a wonderful age we live in?
http://static.ddmcdn.com/gif/blogs/dnews-files-2013-04-bulletproof-whiteboard-660-jpg.jpghttp://www.searchindia.net/images/sib/bulletproof-school-kids.jpg
http://timenewsfeed.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/2013-03-19t233836z_1222324266_tm4e93j1.jpg?w=720http://timenewsfeed.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/2013-03-19t233857z_343990339_tm4e93j1g.jpg?w=360&h=240&crop=1http://familiesintheloop.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/kids_bulletproof_backpacks.jpghttp://www.takepart.com/sites/default/files/styles/tp_content_wide/public/BulletProofKids.jpg

jeepster09

04-25-2013, 07:39 AM

Questions you just can't answer

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

JFootin

04-25-2013, 08:13 AM

Longtail Ts are on sale just today at Duluth Trading (http://www.duluthtrading.com/store/mens/mens-shirts/mens-t-shirts/mens-t-shirts.aspx?src=T13C065C5&ym_mid=1475622&ym_rid=2124753&mboxSession=T13C065-9992124753). These are especially good for use in concealed carry in the Summertime. They have a funked up website. The ones that are on sale have a bar through the regular price. They advertize even lower prices for closeouts, but there are NEVER any closeout items in stock. When checking out, it will say it doesn't like your billing address. Just reenter the same stuff and it will take it the second time. If you buy > $75 worth, shipping is free (saves almost $12); use code T13C065C5.

MW surveyor

04-25-2013, 08:28 AM

jeepster09 - I've got the answers to all of your questions. They may not be correct, but I do have the answers :)

barth - The back packs and all of that other stuff are out and available. Not sure how good that stuff is. Can you say.........head shot......groin shot?

wyntrout

04-25-2013, 09:16 AM

JFootin

04-25-2013, 12:13 PM

Bawanna

04-25-2013, 12:35 PM

They weigh a ton. That ole boy has the gift.

jocko

04-25-2013, 01:21 PM

ol jocko did that once at a raly in Missouri. I got an award to: Yes I knocked down every fokking cone they had UP AND NEVER once dropped the bike or put a foot down. It is all how u approach it. Just sayin.

I would bet the colonel and his chair could not do what that officer did. Heis truly amazing, and if u listened u could hear the floor boards grinding the pavement. I bet he replaces them offten and they have to be sharp as a raxor to. truly an amazing feet

jocko

04-25-2013, 01:25 PM

This video is hard to believe! :eek: Not once did he have to put a foot down or make a steering correction. Wow!

Police Officer Demonstrating Incredible Skill Maneuvering Motorcycle (https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=502407046492436&set=vb.154798851253259&type=2&theater)

For those who don't trust blind links, here it is:

"https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=502407046492436&set=vb.154798851253259&type=2&theater"

Can anybody tell me how much that fully decked out Police Harley weighs?

a Road King and with police sh!t on it and the rider, gonna say 720# bike, 50# police sh!t, 175# cop. total 945#, full tanke 50#, now 995#. If he can shoot as good as he rides, he has to be one of the best..:Amflag2:

actually after watchig some of those guys perform, makes one want to go backhome drive the bike in the garage, lock all doors and throw away the key.

JFootin

04-25-2013, 06:01 PM

Well, just be glad they don't ask you to do that for your motorcycle license! :ohmy: If you look close, he is a very thin, light individual, which makes it that much more amazing how effortless it seems for him to handle that hog like that. Best of the best! :Amflag2:

Bawanna

04-25-2013, 06:07 PM

Years ago when I worked in a warehouse in Seattle a Seattle motor officer tried to turn around at our little side street. It was a main drag but our little side street was a pot holed gravelly not great road.
He hit the gravel and dumped his Harley on his side.

I happened to be on the loading dock and saw him go down, he kind of stepped off so wasn't hurt but he wasn't happy neither.

I helped him get the thing upright, no easy chore even for two of us.

Worked out well, him and his pals often times ate lunch across the street where I often went and we got to be pals and pals with his pals too.

Kind of nice to have friends on the side of justice and right, especially when you get pulled over on traffic stop.

jocko

04-25-2013, 06:09 PM

really doesn'tmatter, ur not carrying a motorcycle, ur riding it,and it is all about leaning and looking. He is truly an amazing rider. HD have very low center of gravity and his light weight is an asset over some bull hog on the seat..

He is the Todd Jarrett of motorcycle riders. Would hateto guess the many hundreds of hours he has put on that seat just doing that stuff.:Amflag2:

Bawanna

04-25-2013, 06:13 PM

He does appear to be very very fit which I'm sure really helps horsing the hog through those unnatural aerobatics.

Just an amazingly talented rider and I'm sure he's spent plenty of hours on the saddle practicing some of that stuff.

I might have to charge up the monster power chair at home and set up a few cones. I'm sure compared to him I'll suck but I'm inspired.

yqtszhj

04-25-2013, 11:05 PM

that guy is GOOD.

Tinman507

04-26-2013, 04:05 AM

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/311055_377688119015319_176042420_n.jpg

JFootin

04-26-2013, 10:41 AM

I might have to charge up the monster power chair at home and set up a few cones. I'm sure compared to him I'll suck but I'm inspired.

I have a power chair. Use it some around the house, but don't have a way to take it with me, yet. I need more practice with it. It has a joy stick and I am used to a steering wheel. Plus, it has big powered wheels in the middle and 4 small caster wheels in the front and back. And it is not small; it weighs a lot and those small wheels at the corners want to crash into everything. It is like trying to maneuver a bulldozer indoors! :eek: I have scrapes on doorframes, scrapes and a couple of holes poked into the seeming balsa wood doors in my apartment. Most of that happened not long after I got it, but I still find it wanting to dart this way and that way instead of going where I intend it to go. And those dang little wheels are always wanting to tangle with something when I am backing up or turning around. Now, I wish I had gotten a rear wheel drive one. :(

DeaconKC

04-26-2013, 11:07 AM

Follow up for Tinman

jocko

04-26-2013, 11:09 AM

https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/311055_377688119015319_176042420_n.jpg

obummer has his mouth wide open is that tyhe dancer is Michelle. Just sayin:amflag:

Bawanna

04-26-2013, 11:11 AM

Can't be Michelle, I don't see any vomit on the front of Bush's or the Queens shirts.

Clinton of course would take on a snake if someone held it's head.

JFootin

04-26-2013, 11:29 AM

Warning: do not drink anything while reading this unless you want to be replacing your keyboard! :eek: This will make you laugh so hard, you'll cry! :p

http://accidentalamazon.com/dave_barry_colonoscopy.pdf

jocko

04-26-2013, 11:49 AM

Can't be Michelle, I don't see any vomit on the front of Bush's or the Queens shirts.

Clinton of course would take on a snake if someone held it's head.

Bush had ever seen such a Bush either. Just sayin.

Barth

04-26-2013, 11:52 AM

Stressed out? Politics got you down? Things just don't seem right in the world?
Dr. Barth prescribes Open Fire with two weapons and smile in the morning!
Rented a Kimber Super Carry Custom: Two FTFs in 100. But crazy accurate.
http://www.shootingtimes.com/files/2010/09/st_kimber_super_carry_pro_b.jpghttps://www.t-mobilepictures.com/myalbum/thumbnail/photo38/5e/12/9684e148a185__1366993507000.jpg?tw=0&th=720&s=true&rs=false

Then the only other guy at the range had some high cap (15?) 10mm that made the Kimber 45 sound like a 22 lr.
I was forced to rock the house rapid fire with my 10.5" barreled, 30 round, 5.56 NATO Suchka.
I think my puppy made that 10mm sad - LOL! Rule Number One: There's always a bigger dog.
https://www.t-mobilepictures.com/myalbum/thumbnail/photo51/77/bc/d092e7c0de1c__1366993526000.jpg?tw=0&th=720&s=true&rs=false

getsome

04-26-2013, 12:02 PM

Thanks for that JFootin, I needed that today.....I love Dave Barry and his pal Carl Hiaasen who both were editorial writers for the Miami Herald Newspaper before becoming novelist....Both Dave and Carl are some of the funniest writers I have ever read anywhere....

Carl Hiaasen has a recurring character in his books nicknamed "Skink" who lives in the Everglades naked and eats roadkill...Skink's real name is Clinton Tyree and his former job was Governor of Florida who one day had enough of political life and gets out of his limo on the Interstate during a traffic jam and disappears into the Glades never to be seen again.....Reminds me very much of Jocko....;)....Read Hiaasen's "Double Whammy" and you will be hooked....

I think Dave Barry still has a column with the Miami Herald but not sure but he also has many books out that are absolutely hilarious....

DeaconKC

04-26-2013, 05:26 PM

It was the funeral of a woman who had henpecked her husband, driven her kids nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke and the pastor’s benediction was drowned out by the blinding flash of lighting, followed by terrific thunder. “Well, at least we know she got there all right,” commented her husband.

GROTMAN

04-26-2013, 05:32 PM

OLD BILL SEEMS TO GET AROUND..:)
http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/wttFeYn.gif (http://uberhumor.com/oh-hai-7)

OldLincoln

04-26-2013, 11:42 PM

No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is .......FUNNY!
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory: (link dead)

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid:
Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: (link dead)
"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

JFootin

04-27-2013, 09:43 AM

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Smilies/laugh.gif Good one, OldBuddy! I wonder about the reply from Harry Reid's office, though...
http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Smilies/BSMeter_zps122351c1.gif

wyntrout

04-27-2013, 10:12 AM

Got this today:

Subject: Romance, thought of the day

Wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your
smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me
a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

The husband, typically non-romantic,
replied, “I’m on the commode. Please advise."

Wynn:D

GROTMAN

04-27-2013, 01:10 PM

Sorry if the language is a little offensive..and I'm sure the mods will remove it if it is but gotta love the thought..:Amflag2:
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/401949_649116325114775_60217135_n.jpg

GROTMAN

04-27-2013, 01:25 PM

I'm pretty sure this isn't legal.. but would be fun to try..:)
http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/6pphDpK.gif (http://uberhumor.com/fore)

mr surveyor

04-27-2013, 04:52 PM

I'm pretty sure this isn't legal.. but would be fun to try..:)
http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/6pphDpK.gif (http://uberhumor.com/fore)

strange how all the other folks just down the line must have been deaf;)

Barth

04-27-2013, 06:46 PM

strange how all the other folks just down the line must have been deaf;)

Stone Cold Deaf.
Nobody even glances at the action?

I call Bravo Sierra.

Planedude

04-28-2013, 08:22 AM

Many, many moons ago I built a very fancy Potato cannon. To show it off I took it out to my Trap and Skeet club. We set the cannon up on the 16yd Trap line and with 20lbs of taters and several cans of brake clean for propellant, we started shooting tataers. About three shots in, a line of shotgunners formed to try and hit the out going spud.
Out of about fifty shots we got only three "spud-busters" which was great shooting as those taters was-a-moving.
Funny thing was' I could shoot most spuds over the fence 330yds away. Other side of the fence is a huge cow pasture and in it on that day was a knot of about 10 cows. After three shots we saw that wherever the spud projectial landed the cows would follow.
One smart arse noted that "even fresh beef wants fries with that..."

Fun times with fun people.

wyntrout

04-29-2013, 09:24 AM

I always wanted to play with those. It's probably a good thing that I didn't!

I'm watching/listening to the Weather Channel trying to decide on whether or not to go ahead with our garage sale this Friday and Saturday... not looking good... 40% chance of rain and scattered thunderstorms. I included our whole street and gave out fliers and talked to those at home this past weekend. I need to decide soon and put in a newspaper ad if I'm going to chance it.

Last year the weather looked much better but got drizzly and spotty rain with crappy results for our sale.

Anyhow, I heard on the Weather Channel that Willie Nelson turned 80 yesterday! He's one of my favorite singers.

Wynn:)

kahrseye

04-29-2013, 09:34 AM

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your a**hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

Bawanna

04-29-2013, 08:58 PM

The Stella awards program could be entitled why bawanna has issues with judges and lawyers.

For you Snopes advocates be advised I did not check any of these but none of them surprise me in the least.

STELLA AWARDS:

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico , where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for year -- 2012:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot..

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!!

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma , who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mphand calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

MW surveyor

04-30-2013, 08:32 AM

It is a good thing for any of the above that I was not on the jury!

Gotta go take an aspirin, my head hurts.

wyntrout

04-30-2013, 09:12 AM

May is almost here! I started the last "free for all". Who's going to bring in May!!

Wynn:)

JFootin

04-30-2013, 11:11 AM

StellaAwards.com

pleading before the
Court Of Public Opinion
begs the court to take notice of
Stories Not from StellaAwards.com

May it please the court: Many stories are going around the 'net saying they are "The Stella Awards". Many of these stories are false, made-up, or (sometimes) true stories with false elements added to them. It makes no sense to use false examples of real problems when there are so many true examples that illustrate the actual problem.

The sad part: despite these stories having been debunked years ago, they not only still circulate, but many reporters, columnists and radio "personalities" still talk about them as if they were true, which says a lot about their professionalism. In many outrageous cases, these lazy "news" people will even link to this site as the source of these silly lies! What a ridiculous lack of standards they have!

The most-common e-mail example is the following, which the clerk has marked "Exhibit A". We've received many, many copies of it over the last few years, and no doubt you have too. You'll see what we mean by "bogus".

http://i1230.photobucket.com/albums/ee486/John_England/Misc/BogusStellaAwards_zps80a00e0c.jpg

We believe the fabricated stories originated in 1994, as most versions mention Stella (http://www.StellaAwards.com/stella.html) is "81 years old". She was 81 in 1994, and 91 when she died in 2004.

StellaAwards.com has found no evidence to support these stories, nor has the leading urban legend debunker, Snopes.com (http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.htm). The bottom line: after all these years, it's completely ridiculous for individuals to be fooled by these cases, yet every year even "legitimate" newspapers run these very cases crying "Ain't it awful?", and sometimes they even attribute these old dumb jokes to us, which shows just how poorly they do when it comes to fact-checking.

We've said it before, and we'll say it again: Truth is stranger than fiction. It makes no sense to use made-up stories to illustrate a real problem when there are real cases of lawsuit abuse going on all the time. And that's what we specialize in. Subscribe below for free to get true case reports as we release them!

Submitted by:
StellaAwards.com, In Pro Per
(Source: http://www.stellaawards.com/bogus.html)

MW surveyor

04-30-2013, 11:19 AM

But, it was posted on the internet. It has to be true, right?

OldLincoln

04-30-2013, 02:18 PM

That's just a big government conspiracy coverup like all them flying saucers. Maybe those folks were blinded by swamp gas and fell. I know because I actually wa involved in one.

My son with mom in car pulled into a shopping center but had to stop in the drive because a mother was pushing a carriage along the sidewalk while trying to manage another youngster by the hand. While stopped, a fancy road bike slammed into the rear quarter panel tossing the rider over the trunk and breaking his collar bone. Of course he sued and at arbitration he admitted he was looking down pumping hard trying to beat his prior time and never saw the car in front of him until he hit it. He was awarded $7,500 plus medical. Thing is if our car hadn't been there he would have plowed into that young family at about 35 mph. I suppose he would have sued them too. BTW, the was his second time suing for accidents he caused.

Moral is, as a defendant, you will never get a 100% judgement in your favor at arbitration. The decider is a lawyer and will make sure the plaintiff's attorney gets paid. Those stories above may not be true, but this stuff happens every day.