Entertaining Strangers

[Dietrich]

I am in a bit of a bind and I am turning to you,my friends,to give me some solid advice.I`m not one of those people who can sit with a bunch of strangers and put them at ease with my gift of gab.Unfortunately,with my wife`s business,I find myself in that predicament quite often.The only thing that I am truly good at is in my natural ability to ignite flatulence.I remember I fired one off at a sports bar during the Superbowl 20 years ago and it was met with roars of approval.Many of you have been in the business world and have entertained in that climate so I would like your input.Do you think it would loosen things up?Thanks a ton.Dietrich :confused:

[jocko]

I am in a bit of a bind and I am turning to you,my friends,to give me some solid advice.I`m not one of those people who can sit with a bunch of strangers and put them at ease with my gift of gab.Unfortunately,with my wife`s business,I find myself in that predicament quite often.The only thing that I am truly good at is in my natural ability to ignite flatulence.I remember I fired one off at a sports bar during the Superbowl 10 years ago and it was met with roars of approval.Many of you have been in the business world and have entertained in that climate so I would like your input.Do you think it would loosen things up?Thanks a ton.Dietrich :confused:

shows you have a personality. A laugh in a crowd is always better than a frown. Keep it up Deit, u bring alot to this forum.. U mademe go to the dictionary with that "high class" word Flatulence.. we just call um plain ol "farts" back here in hick Indiana!!

[Dietrich]

shows you have a personality. A laugh in a crowd is always better than a frown. Keep it up Deit, u bring alot to this forum.. U mademe go to the dictionary with that "high class" word Flatulence..Thanks Jocko, I know I can always count on you for solid,well thought out advice.

[Bawanna]

I am in a bit of a bind and I am turning to you,my friends,to give me some solid advice.I`m not one of those people who can sit with a bunch of strangers and put them at ease with my gift of gab.Unfortunately,with my wife`s business,I find myself in that predicament quite often.The only thing that I am truly good at is in my natural ability to ignite flatulence.I remember I fired one off at a sports bar during the Superbowl 10 years ago and it was met with roars of approval.Many of you have been in the business world and have entertained in that climate so I would like your input.Do you think it would loosen things up?Thanks a ton.Dietrich :confused:

Perhaps it would help us if we had a bit more specific information. Is your natural ability the silent but deadly (doesn't sound like it) or the Exxon Valdez fog horn but not room clearing haz mat cloud? Maybe a combination of all of the above or fire at will?
I find myself wishing I had your control and abilities. I shall ponder this at length.

[jlottmc]

Well, my thoughts are like this: Rip a good one, if they bolt, then you know you made a mistake, and pardon yourself. Or just blame the dog.

[jmstallard]

Always remember the first rule of communication: Know your audience. The last thing you want to do, I assume, is hurt your wife, so you need to figure out whether your action will make them more or less likely to do business with your wife. If it's more, and you're wife's cool with it, knock yourself out. If it's less, then you should just suffer through the discomfort of small talk, or find something else to try.

[Phantom]

For a more serious answer, ask questions? Ask them about family, hobbies, sports, current news events, but be careful with that one about expressing your opinion. Learn to listen, people with think you are brilliant.

[Bawanna]

For a more serious answer, ask questions? Ask them about family, hobbies, sports, current news events, but be careful with that one about expressing your opinion. Learn to listen, people with think you are brilliant.

As I told Deitrich earlier, anyone who takes 95% of what he post seriously hasn't been around here long enough to appreciate his wit and charm. I for one truly enjoy his post and would love nothing more than to see about 10x more of them.
I do like the learn to listen plan though, being near deaf I absolutely hate going to group functions, you know everyone chattering away, to me all sound is lost in all the chattering, might as well be talking inside a vaccuum cleaner while it's running. I learn to try and anticipate if I should nod yes or no or just have a look of consternation on my face. Perhaps that's where his flatulence comes from? When I get enough wrong people usually just walk away from me, most I think must think I'm a college professor and so far above them I can't be troubled with mere mortal conversation. Course those that know me know that everything in the salad bar has a higher IQ than me, and I'm perfectly happy with that.

[PaiN]

I say, while your wife is in mid-serious-business-talk-sentence, rip a loud one, lift your butt off the chair, place or piece on the table, adjust your pants, pull out a wedgie, reholster the gun, sit back down and say "excuse me"...
yep, should go over well

[Dietrich]

I say, while your wife in mid-serious-business-talk-sentence, rip a loud one, lift your butt off the chair, place or piece on the table, adjust your pants, pull out a wedgie, reholster the gun, sit back down and say "excuse me"...
yep, should go over well

Well,noise will surely get their attention but it`s that mushroom cloud of flame that really gets you looks of admiration from the ladies not to mention envy from the guys.

[ripley16]

A fart may be a great icebreaker in a group of 10 year olds, but I doubt seriously your wife would be thrilled with your choice of social skill, unless you're like me and your farts don't stink. ;)

[johnatw]

Dietrich,
Come on man, pictures please!! Muzzle flash is always interesting, no matter where it comes from.

[n8tureboy]

Make sure you have a lighter handy. Nothing says "I love you honey" like a husband sitting in the middle of a crowded room lighting up his farts. I'll start up a donation thread to pay for your divorce lawyer.

[hsart]

Okay I'll give you my 2 cents on this. You need a few sound bytes to get everyone stimulated about talking about some current event. How about Rep. Kanjorski's interview this morning about the meeting in Congress when faced with imminent financial system meltdown - whether rule of law could be maintained, and how to feed the country after 14 days of chaos. Just tryin' to shift the discussion here....

[Dietrich]

A fart may be a great icebreaker in a group of 10 year olds, but I doubt seriously your wife would be thrilled with your choice of social skill, unless you're like me and your farts don't stink. ;)

How vulgar.:madgrin:

[Bawanna]

I should tell the story about the indian I worked with in a tool warehouse in an earlier life. Had whisky hidden all over the warehouse, could clear the building, probably a 50,000 sq ft warehouse from the office door. Complete control on demand. The police could use him instead of tear gas, I'm sure there would be lawsuits. I guess I already did tell the story so........
Farts though, you just can't trust em.


ok bye

[Armybrat]

But remember Dietrich, the older you get the possibility of flatulent "surprises" increases. I suggest you carry a roll of TP for such occasions, just in case.
Or else wear some Depends. :D

[wyntrout]

I haven't had many of THOSE problems... notice I didn't say any or none. Do you ever have a dream where you're dreaming that you're in the bathroom and taking a leak... and then you realize it's not all a dream... just the part about being in the bathroom....
Maybe there will be a coupon for Depends in the paper this Sunday. Getting old isn't for sissies!
Wynn:D

[WMD]

I guess the question for Dietrich is......, Can you play a tune? I just watched a guy on You Tube play a tune. Maybe you have a hidden talent. Perhaps we could get you an audition on American Idols!

What do you think?

[Frankhenrylee]

I've often wondered if the smell of our own farts might have some sort of medicinal use. Perhaps a cure for the common cold or allergies?

[jlottmc]

Hmmm maybe an irritant, or crowd control...but medicinal I'm a skeptic there.

[jreXD9]

for those who aren't familiar with this process.....the flame is always blue.

[Armybrat]

Perhaps we should clear the air here and clamp down on the rhetoric before it stinks up the place & scares off new members who may smell something downwind.

:p

[Internet Blohard]

Assuming that you really did have a serious question within the context of farting and so on, I might offer the following advice. Since you Did Ask.....

First, if you are not comfortable in the atmosphere of helping your wife with her entertaining obligations, then just don't do it. Be out of town. Be working late. Think of something. That is, if your wife will buy into it.

If that is not tenable and you feel forced to engage with her dipstick guests, then take another tact. Take the smart road that doesn't involve making yourself the center of attention.

This does not involve impressive stunts like farting.

Find out from your wife what each person is passionate about (besides work). Just one thing is enough. Everyone is passionate about something....and whatever that is, everyone knows it. One person will have children that are perfect. Another will be into golf. Another into hiking. Or travel. Or maybe even guns. And so on. Most people are so full of themselves and can't resist talking about themselves given the most subtle prompt. So Simply ask questions. And listen. Listen seriously. Ask more questions if you can get them in edgewise. Focus on the other person. Smile.

Ask sincere questions as if you are an alien on a spy mission to learn everything this is to know about kid's soccer. Or travel. Or whatever. Be empathetic. Try to understand why the person really cares about what it is they care really about. It could be total BS in your book. It will likely be boring in your book. It could be disgusting in your book. You may despise them after 30 seconds. Doesnt matter. Let them talk. You listen. Listening isn't hard. Talking is. Trying to impress is. Just listen. And nod. And be sincere. You absolutely-positively must be sincere. If you are not, they will know and you lose. And you wife will lose. You can always find something in common with anyone. All you have to do is to half-try. When you do, you won't have to think about it anymore and it will just happen. Never know. You might learn something. You might even make a new friend.

Don't talk about yourself. Don't offer opinions or rebuttals unless you are being empathetic and agreeable. You are not as important to them as they are to themselves. You don't have to be clever. You don't have to be the center of attention. You allow them to be the center of Your attention and the star of Their show. Just enjoy the show.

Happy wife....happy life.

[Bawanna]

Knowing Dietrich probably about as well as anyone here I feel totally confident in making the statement that a serious question especially when he starts a thread are not part of the equation.
He's a down right funny guy who I enjoy immensely and really comes up with some clever stuff when the forum is in a boring down turn Hope he keeps it up but serious, not likely.
The only serious post I recall in recent history is the village people thing and baking nekkid. Oh and I think he was serious about being greased up and tossed over a penitentary fence. Other than those just all for fun.

[wyntrout]

for those who aren't familiar with this process.....the flame is always blue.

Maybe the little ones that have enough air for complete combustion are blue, but the MEGA ones are yellow because there isn't enough air all at once. You ought to see some of those on the Internet!

Here's a series of pictures It would take too many pictures to show the progression, but #4 is full yield and #5 was after much of the "blast effects" had died down. What you can't see in the photos very well, is that this is a GIRL. The video is accompanied by audio and loud screaming and lots of OWs!. Evidently there was a good bit of collateral damage and not just to the clothing!:eek: This was evidently broadcast on America's Funniest Videos, so it should be okay here.:D
My first viewing of a detonation like this was in 1964 by an Army dude, but it was nothing like this... and it still wasn't blue.
Wynn:D

[Bawanna]

3 pages discussing the dispersal of excess combustibles from the human body. What sick and twisted individuals we are. Collateral damage, yup I could see that happening.

[wyntrout]

The pictures just don't do justice because in the video you hear the screaming.
Wynn:D

And old guys don't get old coming in second by playing "fair" in fights... of any kind.:D

[Dietrich]

The pictures just don't do justice because in the video you hear the screaming.
Wynn:D

And old guys don't get old coming in second by playing "fair" in fights... of any kind.:D

WARNING !!! I am a professional.Please don`t try this at home.

[cgo99]

3 pages discussing the dispersal of excess combustibles from the human body. What sick and twisted individuals we are. Collateral damage, yup I could see that happening.
I was thinking the same thing but you have to admit that it is still 3 very entertaining pages :).

[royaluno]

You guys ante right. You had me laughing out loud. Then I had to explain to my 3 year old granddaughter why I'm laughing. This forum is all class all the time. That brings back memories of old.
Thanks!:):)

[wyntrout]

People do some crazy stuff and luckily, there's video sometimes. Then there's the Darwin Awards for the more unfortunate, who've removed themselves from the gene pool.
Wynn:D

[Frankhenrylee]

You know I've been wondering when they were going to come out with a concealable flame thrower. Who knew we were packing the whole time. I'm coming up with the schematic for the latest self defense weapon right now. It'll be an ignitor off of a gas grill with the button that clips to your belt. The proper technique will be to quickly spin around hitting the button approx. 1 second after dusting, spraying an area 2'-3' wide. Even if you don't hit your target this should be enough of a distaction for you to run away since your back is already turned. SHHHHH, if the feds find out about this they'll outlaw farting.

[wyntrout]

Wow! What an idea for rape defense! Of course, the lady would have to eat the right foods to be "armed". But that piezo-electric igniter should work. She would have to be careful in enclosed spaces though, like an elevator!
Look at those pictures I posted and imagine the surprise a rapist would have. In that case, maybe carbonized privates... or "disarmed!":eek:
Of course, there's the danger of collateral damage. Did I mention she was screaming in the video... "OW! OW!...." and I'm sure regretting the experiment or demonstration. I'm certain that I heard a hint of remorse in the screams. Since I didn't see the original broadcast, I'm not sure if the proper announcement was made about not trying this at home... leave it to the professionals... or wear Nomex garments and some kind of fire-retardant salve or ointment for proper protection. Flammable clothing is definitely a No-No!
Wynn:D

[Frankhenrylee]

Quaker Oat Squares and perforated leather pants, never leave home without em

[Bawanna]

I was thinking the same thing but you have to admit that it is still 3 very entertaining pages :).

Nothing negative from me, we all know I'm all about entertainment. If pouring gasoline on myself and lighting myself on fire gets a single chuckle bring the gas can. Jocko's gonna love this.
The propane stove ignitor reminds me of my first prototype spud gun, I couldn't figure out the ground so everytime I ignited the fuel I got a horrible shock. It sucked really bad but it sure did launch spuds.

[Frankhenrylee]

For whatever reason I get shocked whenever I get out of a car, especially my old ladys car. I even make sure that I touch the rubber seal when I shut the door and I still get shocked. After reading these post I'm never going to flatulate in any car ever again. I've always wondered how cars catch on fire, now I know.

[Bawanna]

For whatever reason I get shocked whenever I get out of a car, especially my old ladys car. I even make sure that I touch the rubber seal when I shut the door and I still get shocked. After reading these post I'm never going to flatulate in any car ever again. I've always wondered how cars catch on fire, now I know.

I have an electric chair (frightening word) amended to electric wheelchair and if I run to fast I get zapped when I grab a door knob and I hate getting zapped. It's made me jumpy, I'm back in a manual which never zapps me but I'm still hesitant to grab a door knob.
You can put a ground strap on your old ladys car, my ma was a mail man, (another word tripper) mail carrier and they always ran those ground straps so they don't get zapped getting in and out all day. She said they worked. Just a rubber strap with a metal grommet on one end that you bolt to the frame, drags on the ground all the time. Wonder if they would work on that dang electric wheelchair.

[wyntrout]

It's not just rubber. It has to be impregnated with something to make it conductive, carbon impregnated, I think. Rubber won't conduct the electrostatic buildup away. I've got a bunch of the grounding straps made for that... well, several, some pretty heavy duty, but I could never make myself attach one to my vehicle. People ask me what they are for in garage sales, but they never buy them. Hmmm... just thinking about changing my marketing strategy on those... Dietrich's influence, I suppose... could label them as "discipline straps"... good for a$$-whuppings! Dang! I come up with some good ideas sometimes. I could raise the price tenfold or more! I think the bigguns are about 16-18" long and about 1/4" thick... WHACK!:eek:
After I slide my butt across my nice cloth seats, it's a pretty good jolt when I get out of the van... and a crack!:eek: (The noise):rolleyes: I really need to install one... worried about causing rust with the attaching... screw... or loosening something else that might hold a strap... the grommet is pretty stout.
Dang! I wish I could get paid for all the time I sit here trying to help and amuse you guys... and gals.
Wynn:D

[jlottmc]

Ahh the spudguns of our youth...my running shoes shock the bejesus out of my all the time, the truck does once in awhile. I do make sure that I touch the frame when I get in and out.I never have been able to get a fire ball from me arse though, guess I'm just not that gassy.

[wyntrout]

I left here to go to Lowe's for some yard stuff -- dirt and chemicals -- and about 2 blocks away I saw a sign that said Hunter Estate Sale... hmmm... hunter... guns... ammo... what the heck. One gun,,, the cheap pewter hang on the wall junk. Hunter was the name of the company conducting the sale -- High prices and the guy with the company said he had a couple of guns... one a Sig 232 or 238 for $750... like new and that was about what they were going for on the Internet!:eek: If it had been a little old widow asking $100 buck or best offer, I might have been interested -- wasted stop, but you never know.
Wynn:)

[jlottmc]

Nothing negative from me, we all know I'm all about entertainment. If pouring gasoline on myself and lighting myself on fire gets a single chuckle bring the gas can. Jocko's gonna love this.
The propane stove ignitor reminds me of my first prototype spud gun, I couldn't figure out the ground so everytime I ignited the fuel I got a horrible shock. It sucked really bad but it sure did launch spuds.

I've actually seen some one go like that. I still smell it and see it. That was ten years ago. Physically I could have stopped it, but our ROE's said I couldn't (had the JAG butter bar over the shoulder too :32::crazy:) To say that a laugh would not be had is a gross understatement. But the spud guns ought to be a required toy from child hood.