Humor

[garyb]

An elderly man went to his Dr and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Lately, several times a day I have forgotten to zip up." The Dr. replies, "That's not senility....Senility is when you forget to zip down."

Husband says to his wife, "Would you have married me if my father had not left me his fortune?". Wife replies, "I would have married you , No Matter Who Left You a Fortune!"

Wife - "Do you want for dinner?"
Husband - "Sure, what are my choices?"
Wife - "Yes or NO".

[getsome]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVPXdAAtE1c

Jocko, can I have a pony head this time?

[jocko]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVPXdAAtE1c

Jocko, can I have a pony head this time?

ok knock a guy when heis down, I know ur type. I see um all the time at the local mentalhealth clinic. No ponyt head but how about a head from Monica? Just sayin:banplease:

[getsome]

If it's all the same to you I'd rather have the other end of the pony than head from Monica......Smells better

[garyb]

Funny vid. I've done that on our sliding glass door. Now I prefer to see a dirty glass. Haha.

[jocko]

I have walked through my patio screendoor about 3 times..

[Armybrat]

I love Gary Larson's "Far Side" humor:

http://activehappiness.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/far-side-gifted.jpeg
http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3246/3157903758_62215f4c72.jpg
http://teacherweb.com/WQ/ElementarySchool/EarlyMan/caveman1.png
http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f289/krew321/farsidebears.jpg
http://imageshack.us/a/img713/7746/uq14.jpg

[getsome]

Gary Larson was the best when he was doing comics...I wish he would come out of retirement and start drawing again, his humor is really really funny....I read the comics now and wonder what that job pays cause my dog could write much better stuff....

[jocko]

ur dog sucks, who u kiddin.

[getsome]

Well you should know, I got him from you....He told me that he was getting tired of playing second fiddle to a frekin sheep....

[Bawanna]

I like your idea getsome. I consider the whole forum a humor thread myself.

[Tinman507]

I have walked through my patio screendoor about 3 times..

Gosh, I hope you didn't strain yourself

[Bawanna]

Dang it Tinman you got me again. I got a brand spankin new keyboard yesterday (I hate it) and now I have a brand spankin new keyboard with potato chip particles all over it.

Dude you just kill me sometimes.

[jeepster09]

Jocko aint gonna let no door keep him in.....

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xpyepw_man-determined-to-walk-through-door_fun

[Bawanna]

And he did it without a pressure cooker. I don't know where that place is but I'm pretty certain I don't want to go there or anywhere near it.

[jeepster09]

"Indian ana" I think....

[jeepster09]

And he did it without a pressure cooker. I don't know where that place is but I'm pretty certain I don't want to go there or anywhere near it.


Is this you at your part time job? :eek:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3uA-uE_zZ4

[Bawanna]

No but I know the guy. Owes us for about half a dozen speeding tickets, runs a little repair shop here in town, used to live down the hill from me, haven't seen him lately, might have moved.

I've spent many many a night at that race track. I pit crewed several years, raced motorcycles in another part of that fairgrounds. Raced Modified Sprint cars, watched alot of figure 8 and helped on some foreign stockers too.

Aww the good ole days.

Actually I take all that back, that video is Spanky, I know Mr. Dizzy. That was a good program they played a few times, I happened to catch it. Spanky, Dizzy, and Dr ??? crap what was the other dudes name.

Spanky is a wild man that one, jumped off that high building day after he got out of the hospital after a head on stunt goof. Wild man for sure.

[jocko]

[read with an Italian accent]
One day I'm'a gonna New York to big'a hotel. In'a morning I go to eat'a breakfast. I tell'a waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She bring me one piss. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss on'a my plate. She say you better not piss on'a plate, you son'a ma beech. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma beech.
Later I go to eat at the big'a restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fokk. I tell'a her I wanna fokk. She tell'a me everyone wanna fokk. I tell'a her you no understand. I wanna fokk on the table. She say better not fokk on the table, you son'a ma beech. I don't even know the lady and she call'a me a sonna ma beech.
So I go to room'a in'a hotel and there is no sheits on'a my bed. I call'a the manager and tell'a him I wanna sheit. He tell'a me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on'a my bed. He say you better not sheit on'a bed, you son'a ma beech. I dont even know the man and he call'a me sonna ma beech.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you son'a ma beech. I gonna go back to Italy. Just sayin

[jocko]

A bus stops and two obviously Italian-type men muggio and bawanna get on. They seat
themselves, and engage in animated conversation.The lady sitting behind
them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanised
when she
hearsone of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses., they come together.
I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I
come once more."
"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country, we dont talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my
friend here how to spell Mississippi."

[Bawanna]

Good one.

[jocko]

ONE MORE




Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A. Do you think they could fit all that **** in a tennis shoe?

Q. How does an Italian count his goats?
A. He just counts the legs, and divides by four.

Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight.

Q. How do Italian girls shave their legs?
A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them.

Q. What does FIAT stand for?
A. Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.

Q. What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack?
A. A guy who makes you an offer you can t understand.

Q. How do you kill an Italian?
A. Smash the toilet seat on the back of his head when he is getting a drink.

Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?
A. The least hairy of the three.
Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian rifles for sale?
A. "Never fired, and only dropped once."

Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats?
A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy.

Q. Why is Italian bread so long?
A. So they can dip it into the sewer.

Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?
A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.

Q. Who really killed John F. Kennedy?
A. Two hundred Italian sharpshooters.

Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid?
A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil.?

Q. Why do Puerto Ricans throw their trash away in clear plastic bags?
A. So Italians can go window shopping.

Q. What s an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.

Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.

Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony?
A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To NY (Tony) on their foreheads

[jocko]

ol jocko on his scooter asking for time






www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhWeiI6Unyc

[jocko]

Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers?

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just LOVE Italian lawyers?

[garyb]

Nothing like a good laugh.

[jocko]

Nothing like a good laugh.

u lookin in a mirror??? Just sayin


Q: How can you tell if an Italian is in the Mafia?
A: His favorite dish is broken leg of lamb.

Q: What is a four-letter word in Italian for goodbye?
A: "BANG

[garyb]

(With an Italian Accent) I no look in a mirror...I a takin a P

[yqtszhj]

Jocko, I've been laughing so hard my head hurts.

[rjt123]

One of my favorite Far Side cartoons...

9412


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[OldLincoln]

Navajo Wisdom
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the
space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who
spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son
translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys
in the big suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that
they were practicing for a trip to the moon. When his
son relayed this comment, the Navajo elder got all
excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the
astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw
one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts
said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape
recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were
brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would
translate what his father had said. The son listened to
the recording and laughed, but he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the tribe. They
too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate
the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, an official government translator was summoned.
After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the
message:

"Watch out for these pricks. They have come to steal your
land."

[garyb]

Famous Men on Dollar Bills

[garyb]

Now go to page 3 for the last of our famous bills.

[garyb]

They may have got the value wrong, but the placement is appropriate.

[garyb]

I don't care who you are...now that's relieving!

[Tinman507]

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college in Montana. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue, how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue into that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says, "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy again calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm." he says. "But you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father. "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives.

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?’

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a ***** before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school and now serves in Washington, D.C., as a Congressman.

[GROTMAN]

Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do." says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go." "I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!" Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Nancy Peloisi and a large pool of hot, boiling water. she kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell. "No!' said Obama. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer!" The Devil led him to the next room. In it was George Bush, with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day." The Devil opened the third door. In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to Go!"

[garyb]

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.


There is a hush within the congregation. No one wanted him to leave.



Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and

Proclaims, .. 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new

Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport

their children!'



The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.



Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'



More sighs and loud applause.



Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher

stays, ..I will give him sex!'



There is total silence.



The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs.Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'



Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his

forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side,

while his wife replies, 'Well , I just asked my husband how we could help,

and he said,......'Screw him!'




Isn't senility wonderful?

[Tinman507]

https://scontent-b-lga.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/1441289_678966252121986_1659620026_n.png

[jocko]

that photo makes me vomit. and to think most of all of them think it is areal honor to have their photo taken with that pr!ck. And the Bengazi queen sits there smuck as a b!tch could be.

[garyb]

Well said Jocko ... Just sayin

[GROTMAN]

A Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas girl are sitting at the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Meh-hee-co, our glasses are so
freakin' cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his mug of O'Doul's, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the mug to pieces. He says, "In my home country of Palestine, we Muslims have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The Texas girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her Colt 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar and calling for a refill, she says, "In Texas, we have so many
damn illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

God Bless TEXAS !

[jocko]

oh I like that one. Just sayin