January's Jangle Jawing Juxtaposition Jamboree

[getsome]

Happy New Year Everybody, and as "The Great One" Jackie Gleason once said,

And Away We go....:cool:

[garyb]

Happy New Year!

[Bawanna]

Is Justaposition a swear word? Just askin.

[garyb]

It's a Suma Katra position...done standing on your head.

[RRP]

Right, as opposed to missionary position?

[downtownv]

Thank God, I thought it was a Spread Eagle position to honor our National Bird. But windmills are killing them!
Then I thought of the "bend over rover" position since it's so trendy to be Gay and getting married!:eek:

[RevRay]

I think I'll wait until it's actually the New Year before posting on this thread ... or at least until jocko does ... just saying.

[RRP]

Who is Jocko? Haven't seen him around in a while.

[downtownv]

Who is Jocko? Haven't seen him around in a while.

His computer took a crap. He sent me that message via his satellite system....
But he assured me, you will all pay when he's back up and online. Just sayin':9::7:

[RRP]

I saw a Porsche towing a Harley in circles in the Walmart parking lot. I figured Jocko was taking a road trip.

[RRP]

The sheepskin seat covers were a dead give-away.

[Yogi 117]

I saw a Porsche towing a Harley in circles in the Walmart parking lot. I figured Jocko was taking a road trip.
Now, that Sir, is hilarious! Happy "Jocko" New Year! :roll::eek:

[Barth]

http://www.mountainchoppers.net/MtnMajesty2_small.jpg

[Alfonse]

Bawanna, it is really just a mispronunciation of "just a position." Happy New Year all!

[muggsy]

Jocko's computer took a crap? What happened to it? Did the spell check suddenly start working? :)

[yqtszhj]

I heard the fokker button broke so he now refuses to use it.

[Bawanna]

I'm gonna put forth my best effort and try to stay up till midnight.

[downtownv]

Jocko's computer took a crap? What happened to it? Did the spell check suddenly start working? :)

It was a "depends" Failure.....

[mr surveyor]

without a seeing eye sheep, I don't think Jocko can find his way back here without his already trained computer that knows the way

[Barth]

without a seeing eye sheep, I don't think Jocko can find his way back here without his already trained computer that knows the way

Young Jocko - The Early Days
http://img2.wfrcdn.com/lf/48/hash/737/3525023/1/ALEX-Toys-Sheep-First-Rocker.jpg
"Do these fokkin bibs make me look fat?"

[mr surveyor]

and the caption of the picture is "Do these fokkin bibs make me look fat?"

[muggsy]

I just fell off my chair from laughter. I may have to sue. :)

[CharlieW]

I just fell off my chair from laughter. I may have to sue. :)

+1 -- Best thread of the (new) year. Just sayin!

[DeaconKC]

The term is Karma Sutra....that's when life screws you over in a way you didn't expect!

[GROTMAN]

A 70 year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: “Well, doc, it’s like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbour?” The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the damn jar open!”

[jeepster09]

:eek:

[jeepster09]

Saw this on another drive....

[jeepster09]

(1) I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

2) A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it some day'.

3) I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.

4) Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!

5) A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'

6) Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better!

7) Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

8) I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'

9) Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket, idiot!

10) I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

11) I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks and Mexicans" was NOT the correct answer.

I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
__________________

[jeepster09]

Pet Diaries
This explains a lot!

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...


Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now............

[jeepster09]

My tax return
I just received an audit on my tax return for 2012 back from the IRS. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads;
42 million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons;
Half of Mexico ; and 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate."
1 useless President.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO The Hell DID I MISS?

[GROTMAN]

So.. ran into Bawanna working out the other day..
http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/dma-31.jpg

[Bawanna]

Yup, that's me kind of sorta a little bit slight resemblance 30 years ago maybe.

Cool looking chair. Wonder what brand that is that can lift a man like that.

[jeepster09]

today......;)

[Bawanna]

Damn, I'm gonna start looking for drones. There's folks watching me all the time.

[GROTMAN]

Some of Confucius's lesser known sayings..

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[DeaconKC]

"Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time"

[GROTMAN]

Heaven's Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination
to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk
who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her
last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a
good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed.

She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely
dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for
her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that
I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man
and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a
massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on
the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I
stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab
onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came
rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I
fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up
I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next
room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He
apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as
the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'
in this cedar chest."

[TucsonMTB]

Jamaican Bobsled Team Accepts Invitation To Sochi Olympics Amid Offers Of Financial Support (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/20/jamaican-bobsled-team-olympics-sochi_n_4632370.html)

ZLQkCemE_Xs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ZLQkCemE_Xs

Oh, and . . . Mr. Surveyor, check your PM's, please.

[mr surveyor]

All I can see on Tucson's post is a big white box with the circle and slash in the upper left corner.... I've seen this on several forums in the past week, and in every case it seems to disable my scroll wheel on the mouse..... but only in that thread.

What's up with that?

[mr surveyor]

I can follow the linkie (even though it is to the huffpuffpost), but my scrollie is still disabled.

I just looked at a post on one of our state specific gun forums, and any thread that has the pic's that I can't seem to see tend to lock up the scrollie thingie.

This just in the last week or so.

[TucsonMTB]

I can follow the linkie . . . but . . .
Check your PM's, sir.

[jeepster09]

Where can I shop now.....

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

[GROTMAN]

Thought all of you who served might enjoy this. :Amflag2:
THE FINAL
INSPECTION

The Soldier stood and faced God,
Which must
always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining,
Just as
brightly as his brass.
'Step forward now, Soldier,
How shall I deal
with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have
you been true?'

The
soldier squared his shoulders and said,
'no, Lord, I guess I
ain't.
Because those of us who carry guns,
Can't always be a
saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my
talk was tough.
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world
is awfully rough.
But, I never took a penny,
That wasn't mine to
keep.
Though I worked a lot of overtime,
When the bills just got too
steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,
Though at
times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God, forgive me,
I've wept
unmanly tears.

I know
I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here.
They never wanted me
around,
Except to calm their fears
If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't
be so grand.
I never expected or had too much,
But if you
don't, I'll understand.
There was a silence all around the
throne,
Where the saints had often trod.
As the Soldier waited
quietly,
For the judgment of his God.
'Step forward now, you Soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.


Walk
peacefully on Heaven's streets,
You've done your time in
Hell.'
~Author Unknown~

[jeepster09]

Ole and Sven are out ice fishing on a frozen Minnesota lake. Ole knocks on Sven's ice house door, sticks his head in, and says, "Hey, Sven, have ya got a light for my cigar? I forgot my matches."

Sven pulls out a huge, foot long butane lighter out of his tackle box and lights up Ole's cigar. Ole exclaims, "Holy cow, Sven, dat dere is some big lighter! Vere did ya get dat?"

Sven replies, "I got it from da ice genie. He lives under da ice. He will grant ya one vish if you ask."

So Ole goes back to his ice house, and hollers down the hole for the ice genie. Sure enough, up he pops, and says, "I vill give ya one vish." So Ole says, "I'd like ta have a million bucks."

Just like that, the sky is filled with a million ducks. Ole goes back over to Sven's house and asks, "Vats da deal, Sven? I asked for a million bucks, and instead got a million ducks!"

Sven replies, "Vell, doncha know, Ole, ven he pops up into your fish house, his ears are full of water, so he don't hear so good."

Ole thinks for a second, and then asks, "So, I don't suppose ya really asked for a 12 inch Bic?"

[jeepster09]

Ole Jocko walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw, Indiana for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells old Jocko to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, Jocko tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

[jocko]

QUESTION: Why is it always OL JOCKO and not ol Tinman, Ol Muggs, Ol Getsome. Ol Downtown, Ol colonel? Just sayin

[jeepster09]

QUESTION: Why is it always OL JOCKO and not ol Tinman, Ol Muggs, Ol Getsome. Ol Downtown, Ol colonel? Just sayin


Jus sayin.....tis the way the story goes...:19:

[Bawanna]

We try to keep all our true stories factual around here. No need to change the names to protect the old goats.

[ltxi]

QUESTION: Why is it always OL JOCKO and not ol Tinman, Ol Muggs, Ol Getsome. Ol Downtown, Ol colonel? Just sayin

rhetorical, right?

horse's head in the bed maypole dance gay guy pranced then they all came unmasked and ate your toes

(sorry, kinda, I've been rereading "The Shining")

[jeepster09]

We try to keep all our true stories factual around here. No need to change the names to protect the old goats.


Dat is a fact jack :amflag: Nuthin but the truth.:D

[Planedude]

QUESTION: Why is it always OL JOCKO and not ol Tinman, Ol Muggs, Ol Getsome. Ol Downtown, Ol colonel? Just sayin



Seniority??

[GROTMAN]

Stumbled on CJB's "motorcyle" club the other day. ( Sorry CJB, we all know it's really Jocko's but thought it would make Jocko happy if we used another name for a change) :)

http://i.imgur.com/MTmI9v8.jpg

[ltxi]

Hey!!! That's my old FOP lodge!!