February's Frivolities, Flames and Free For All

[GROTMAN]

Kind of surprised a February thread not started yet so...tried my hand at an alliteration. Wishing everyone a good month. :D

[Tinman507]

Nice!

[ltxi]

With Pete Seeger gone, I'm now goin' with Phil Collins....I Don't Care Anymore...

carry on...

[muggsy]

You sure used a lot of F words in that title. Phooey.

[PattayaPistol]

How can it possibly be February already? What happened to January? Last thing I remember it was New Years Eve and you tell me it's already February. Oh well, I was always a little frivolous.

[Rubb]

How can it possibly be February already? What happened to January? Last thing I remember it was New Years Eve and you tell me it's already February. Oh well, I was always a little frivolous.



That was a hellava party!

[Barth]

This year looks like a time of great change for me.
I wish everyone the best of luck and fortune in 2014!

[muggsy]

A time of great change for Jocko? Depends.

[smo79]

Hard to believe it is Febuary but for those of us in the Midwest February is going to be more of the same stupid weather. Snow and freezing temps. I wish it was spring already!!!

[Ol'coot]

It's February and here in Michigan we got another 5 to 6 inches of snow yesterday. I now officially have cabin fever and can't take much more of this!

[Ol'coot]

Then to make things worst, I have do everything around the house. The photo below explains the situation pretty well.

[muggsy]

It's Groundhog's Day. Time to dust off the .223. The furry little bastard saw his shadow again.

[jeepster09]

Last weekend I saw something at Local Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Carol. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Carol what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Harley looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Harley (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

Now what happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Harley looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it *******,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. .



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. DEAMONS FROM HE**!!!!!! . . . WHAT THE F**K!!!

GOD F**K**G D**N

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura or it could have been the Hulk, ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then proceeded to body slammed me and the Barka Lounger on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position. I had tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

Oh yea,, a funny smell emanating from my shorts The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, she was clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, swinging back and forth, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE MOTHER F**KING HE**!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. One slipper was in the fireplace the other was God knows where. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently that funny smell…I pooped on myself, and my kidneys just let go. But I was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone, no actually, everything included a burnt odor mixed in with it. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!


P.s... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[jeepster09]

The Male Perspective We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note... these are all Numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question..
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or Motorcycles.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping..

[GROTMAN]

It's Groundhog's Day. Time to dust off the .223. The furry little bastard saw his shadow again.
Already taken care of..
http://i.imgur.com/qSkiu21.jpg

[GROTMAN]

You sure used a lot of F words in that title. Phooey.
Was that a phlame ?:)

[muggsy]

No, it was just a more sophisticated way of using an f word.

[DeaconKC]

DAD, ABOUT YOUR WILL...A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, 'Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.' "
"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"
"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, meet my new boyfriend - Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign!' "

[wyntrout]

That's pretty close!

Wynn:D

[muggsy]

Only 19 posts so far. Is that because February is such a short month?

[Tinman507]

No, we're too busy snowblowing to post. Miserable winter..BLAH

[GROTMAN]

Heads up.. Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Show your gal how much you care and buy her a new gun, ie. "the gift of safety." ;)
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ets3mJ5cb0A/T7aL22NHmII/AAAAAAAACo4/0MuOiYwu9RU/s1600/Girls%2Bwith%2BGuns%2B18.jpg (http://caroleparker.blogspot.com/2012/05/my-bloody-valentine.html)

[wyntrout]

TSK, TSK... fingers on triggers!

Wynn:D

[PattayaPistol]

What fingers? What triggers? Oh shoot, there they are. :)

[GROTMAN]

A sample of what it looks like when it snows here in NC
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/t1/1601230_513493268763393_1147735050_n.jpg

[wyntrout]

Happy Valentines' Day!

https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/t1/1900019_10152289877020432_154427021_n.jpg

Wynn:D

[GROTMAN]

ALWAYS BE READY!!
http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/KxCu758.gif (http://uberhumor.com/always-be-ready)

[Bawanna]

I kind of like that. Sweet set up.

[bob98366]

Great idea for stowing the ready gun out of sight. And that guy sure can do sit ups!

[wyntrout]

Some of you OLDER dudes might relate to this:

https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1/1891165_676348782407333_1465029632_n.jpg

Wynn:D

[GROTMAN]

http://i.imgur.com/nYcRtlZ.jpg

[Bawanna]

Funny story on a crappy week for bawanna. Monday my dog crossed the river, wednesday morning my wife got abdominal pains bad and I met her at our local hospital where we spent the day doing basically nothing but sucking down pain meds. Figured out it's a blockage in the pancreas but that's another story. Anyhow no hospital would take her since it was in a bad spot, anyhow we finally got tranferred to downtown Seattle. "The Jungle". Buildings tall, streets narrow, weird freaky people everywhere, we're talking ugly. Now suddenly the brakes on the van are toast and whine like a bleedin heart liberal at the SHOT show when I put on the brakes.

Anyhow I've been going down everyday since last wednesday, didn't go today, just couldn't handle it. Anyhow they were suppose to let her out yesterday so I went down to get her, when I get there they do the blood pressure and temp thing and say she can't go, everything is high, pain is coming back. They were suppose to do surgery Friday but wanted to wait and scratch their heads some more, so anyhow the reason for my post here.

I was wearing a long sleeve dept swat T shirt, kind of chilly and it's comfy. It has POLICE written down the arms. I usually don't wear it except at work, never to a store or anything like that even though it's perfectly legal, but I figured downtown with 2 guns 4 extra mags and head on a swivel who really cared.

So I've been ticked all week since they aren't doing anything. I get on the elevator and Doogie Houser (kind of looks like Shaun White the snow board dude before he combed his hair, real piece of work) our doctor happens to get on at the same time. He says I really shouldn't wear a shirt that says POLICE on the sleeve as people will think I work for the police. I told him I do work for the police and I showed him my badge.

Then I told him he shouldn't really wear a white lab coat, people might think he's a doctor. I felt a lot better after that.

[wyntrout]

Good one! I hope your wife recovers and gets home okay.

Wynn:)

[bob98366]

Colonel, change doctors if you can. Sounds like he's not doing much for your bride anyway.

[getsome]

Hope things get better for Mrs Bawanna there boss....I absolutely hate hospitals and even if you are the picture of health if you hang out there long enough you're going to end up sick....More bad germs in a hospital than in the snot rag bucket at a day care center....Good luck to you both, hope you get her home soon and all is well!!!...

[Tinman507]

Boss,

Hope mama gets well soon. If mama ain't happy, ain't no one happy.

[Bawanna]

Hoping today is the day, they say she may have cured herself which is a good thing since they didn't seem to be able to so squat.

I agree we'll all be a lot better when I get her home.

Sounds like she's not in pain and off the pain meds. Scan showed the stone or whatever they call it may have passed, there's a 2nd one but they say it shouldn't bother her and I'm sure they couldn't do anything with it either.

Gonna be a very large bill for a whole lot of nothing me thinks.

[RevRay]

If it is a stone there really isn't much they can do ... I hope she's able to be home asap. God bless.

[Bawanna]

Just got home. Picked her up, got out of town alive, didn't have to shoot anybody. Beat the traffic issues. Life is good. Back to normal starting now.

[ltxi]

Just got home. Picked her up, got out of town alive, didn't have to shoot anybody. Beat the traffic issues. Life is good. Back to normal starting now.

Big Thumbs Up!!

[Alfonse]

Just got home. Picked her up, got out of town alive, didn't have to shoot anybody. Beat the traffic issues. Life is good. Back to normal starting now.

Fantastic. I do have to wonder about the "normal" part though...

[Bawanna]

Ok maybe the normal part was kind of a stretch, I'll give ya that one.

Hell if I was normble yall probably wouldn't let me hang out with ya, I'd stick out like a goat at Jocko's house.

[Alfonse]

I thought you were getting societal on us. Whew.

[yqtszhj]

Just got home. Picked her up, got out of town alive, didn't have to shoot anybody. Beat the traffic issues. Life is good. Back to normal starting now.

Tell Mrs. B that we all hope she's doing better.

Next time don't be so nice to Doogie Houser. Tell him you're tired, hungry, and don't want any $H!T from him. He needs to shut up, do something, and get you and Mrs. B home. That should get him moving because so doesn't have to see you any more. I find it works sometimes.

My son out there was telling me Seattle is a freak show. He said he doesn't go down there much. He stays on the other side of the mtn's where the gun shows are when he leaves Whidbey.

[bob98366]

My son out there was telling me Seattle is a freak show. He said he doesn't go down there much. He stays on the other side of the mtn's where the gun shows are when he leaves Whidbey.

+1 Your son is wise beyond his years.

[Bawanna]

I'm on the wrong side of the mountains but I'm far enough away from the freak show. Not far enough but it'll do for now. Our little town has gotten to damn big but that's everywhere.

Maybe someday I'll be Alfonse's neighbor, have our own shooting range, and a little more open space.

We're hurting for outdoor places to shoot anymore, I need to recon some out in the woods area's more. I just hate having to drive too far.

Still legal to shoot out my back door but the neighborhood has grown and if I did it very often or much they whine and it wouldn't be legal for long.

[TheTman]

http://kartalk.pccomps.com/hands.jpg

[wyntrout]

OMG! LMAOAROTF!

Wynn:D

[GROTMAN]

So I've decided to start reloading. :)
http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/EXvc1N9.gif (http://uberhumor.com/my-favourite-futurama-moment-2)

[TheTman]

I get to meet some of our LEO's soon. Someone has been stealing propane from my tank and I need to file a report. I am also going to set up a trail cam and hope to catch the thief on film. Then need to get a new lid for my tank that is capable of being locked, and hopefully they have something that will fit around the connection at the hose, so I can lock it too. I'm hoping my insurance will cover the theft, I'll probably have to go to the propane company and get an estimate of how much propane I should have used during the last 3 weeks. I went to check the propane level about a week ago, and still had about 10% left, so I shut off my furnace, the only appliance that uses propane, and have been using space heaters to keep part of the house warm, since the price was still over $3 a gallon, and it's warming up so I don't have to worry about my pipes freezing. I checked the tank again yesterday, and it was completely empty. This really sucks since they gouged me for over $6 a gallon on my last order, which only lasted 3 weeks. No wonder people are stealing it. I have to file a report, then go to the propane company and get an estimate of what I should have used during that period, then see if my insurance will reimburse me for the loss. I bet the insurance will find some way to deny my claim, but it doesn't hurt to try. I think I'll probably call the Sheriff first, since the town I got annexed into never patrols out this far, and see if they want to take the report or have me file with the local force. Going to wait until tomorrow to start the process, since it's starting to get dark, and if they send someone out to take the report, they'll probably want to be able to see.

[GROTMAN]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Jack. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you have. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[TheTman]

This lovely lady fell off a Harley that was riding by. Jocko, are you missing a passenger?

http://kartalk.pccomps.com/sheep.jpg

[TheTman]

Since this is the ass end of February :eek:

http://kartalk.pccomps.com/big_rearend.png