Guy

[berettabone]

A guy walks into a bar, and pulls a mini grand piano out of his pocket. Then, he pulls a miniature guy out, and the guy begins to play. The bartender says, " Where did you get that?" The guy replies, " I have a magic bottle....I just rub it, and I get a wish." Bartender says, " Can I try?" So, the guy pulls a crusty old whiskey bottle out of his pocket and hands it to the bartender. The bartender rubs it, and immediately, the room is full of ducks, flying and crapping everywhere. The bartender says, " I didn't wish for a million ducks!" The guy says, " You didn't think I wished for a ten inch pianist, did you?"

[Bawanna]

Martha, we're gonna be ok. Been kind of stagnant around here of late, this made me smile large.

Many thanks.

[RevRay]

Very good, Beretta. Did you guys hear the one about the bank robber who went to rob a bank, but then he saw the "gun free zone" sign so he turned around and left. He went to another bank and saw another "gun free zone" sign so he turned around and left again. It happened all day long ... every bank he went to had a "gun free zone" sign so he gave up and went home. The next day he went to sign up for unemployment since he obviously couldn't make a living at his chosen profession.

[h2ohhh]

Three guys arguing over who's dog was the smartest so they decided to have a contest.

First guy was an accountant. Dogs name was Ledger. 'Ledger, go over to that pile of dog biscuits and count out 9 of them'. Ledger did just that

Second guy was an engineer. He commanded his dog, Slide rule, to go over to Ledgers 9 dog biscuits and divide them into 3 equal sections. Ol' Slide rule did just that.

The 3rd guy was a Salesman. He said 'boys, those ARE some smart dogs, but watch this.,...Bull$%it (that was the name of his dog), go over there and do your thing! Bull$%it ate every dog biscuit, screwed the other 2 dogs and took the afternoon off.

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk

[jeepster09]

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

[jeepster09]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[jeepster09]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The

doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the patrolman

kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.


Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him

about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough

so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable!



Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide

strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily
--- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well

soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."


Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

[jeepster09]

I'm posting this so people don't fall for this scam like I did. Crooks are everywhere folks, be careful. Here is how they scammed me. Two seriously good looking young girls come over to your car as you’re loading stuff into your trunk. They both start washing your windshield with a rag while their cleavage is practically falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It’s impossible not to look.

When you thank them or offer a tip, they say no and instead ask you for a lift to another Wal-Mart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and goes down on you while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen on the 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th of last month.

[GROTMAN]

The Texas Midget

A midget from Texas was experiencing constant pain in his crotch area. The
midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told
him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his
pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to
examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the
midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the
left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if
his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked
around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"

The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you
do?"

The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."

[muggsy]

Did you guys hear the one about the 100 pound midget who had 50 pound balls? Why the little fokker was half nuts.