June Useless thread

[rglbegl]

This is where we can discuss useless info, so we wont clutter other threads.

So lets hear it.
How was work today?
got any good jokes?
Seen any cool pics lately?

[Bawanna]

This is where we can discuss useless info, so we wont clutter other threads. [Quote] I'd hardly call this a useless thread.

So lets hear it.
How was work today?
Work is no longer an adventure its just a job.

got any good jokes?
Seen any cool pics lately?
Did you see my big beaver in the old thread?


I think you need to rename this thread Hmm, How to do cool stuff here that normal people don't know how to do but even Bawanna can learn some so if he can do it anyone can do it. Now if we can just get an avatar for Jocko, life would indeed be good.

[rglbegl]

Okay, now your got it backwards.
You are quoting yourself in your own post

You need to use the[/qwote] first.
This stops the other persons quote so you can type what you want.
Then you put in the [qwote] part to start quoting them again

(qwote is misspelled to keep from quoting the hell out of this post)

[Bawanna]

This is where we can discuss useless info, so we wont clutter other threads. Hardly a useless thread


So lets hear it. Me, hearing, yeah right

How was work today? Another day in paradise.

got any good jokes? See Beaver

Seen any cool pics lately?[ See Beaver[quote]

I got it, the little backslash goes on the front of my dribble, not the end. Just call me confused but I'm gaining on it.

[jeepster09]

I will try to help......




TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.





This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.







It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him with his PM9....

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

[rglbegl]

/ = end
so you can quote someone, then you need to end the quote (/)
Same goes for images. you place the link in the middle of the img and /img (wrapped in [] of course)

In a multi quote, you need to end their quote to say what you want to say, the re start their quote again.



They say you learn something new every day.
Now that you learned something, the rest of the day can be used for mindless existance.:)

[cgo99]

Okay, now your got it backwards.
You are quoting yourself in your own post

You need to use the[/qwote] first.
This stops the other persons quote so you can type what you want.
Then you put in the [qwote] part to start quoting them again

(qwote is misspelled to keep from quoting the hell out of this post)
rgbegl have you stopped to think that maybe is not that Bawanna was doing it wrong, it's that he is so used to talk with himself that it just kind of got carried over to forum :crazy:.

[Bawanna]

rgbegl have you stopped to think that maybe is not that Bawanna was doing it wrong, it's that he is so used to talk with himself that it just kind of got carried over to forum :crazy:.

I think between talking with myself and my mindless existence you may have solved another one of lifes mysteries.:popcorn::blushing:

[kahrseye]

So did you hear Obama is very angry and refuses to go back to S. Carolina? He said everytime he gets up on stage to speak some South Carolina cotton farmer starts bidding on him....:eek:

[Dietrich]

This is the best restaurant I`ve ever eaten in.

[medezyner]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic crazy with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Colt Model 1911 45 cal. automatic pistol, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?


Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?! '
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist

[wyntrout]

They don't make ads like this anymore:

[rholmes69]

This is my kind of thread. Be prepared to be ....... overrun.

[rholmes69]

Johnny wanted to copulate with a girl in his office... but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me copulate with you..." but the girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up the money very fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down.

She agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety
before agreeing to it, and getting screwed

[rholmes69]

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group from out-of-state who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Therefore, Joe did not know that his brother John's wife had died suddenly that day. When Joe got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old neighbor woman mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Heck no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. ;I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys who were looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The darn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle!"

The old woman fainted.

[rholmes69]

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?


Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn! And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

[rholmes69]

After God made Adam he said, "I am going to give you a helpmate
She will be called 'woman' and she will be your friend, she will cook for you, clean your home, be kind and gentle, be your helper, when you argue, she will be the first one to admit you are right." Adam said, "What would she cost me?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can you give me for a rib?" The rest is history.

[rholmes69]

THANKS SO MUCH FOR 2007

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year...


I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat feces in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel on every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every pop or beer can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program ....Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $70 million pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum. And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $50.00 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician's relative once removed.


By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

[rholmes69]

Golf Quickies!
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son?'

The young man says, 'An 8 iron, father, how about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'

The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards

The young man says, 'I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.'

----------------------------------------------

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5 iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective! asks, 'Ma'am, is that your husband?
'Yes' says the woman.
'Did you hit him with that golf club?'
'Yes, yes, I did.' The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
'How many times did you hit him?'
'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down for a five.'

----------------------------------------------
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, 'Are you a good golfer?'
To which the man replied: 'Got here in two, didn't I?'

[rholmes69]

Everyone is in a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A man asks: 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'

The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog. would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot.'

[rholmes69]

Lord have mercy, this one always puts me into tears!!!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted!!

[rholmes69]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?' Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3
Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms . Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[medezyner]

Help, someone stop him!

[medezyner]

wyntrout, sniff, that ad brought a tear to my eye

[rglbegl]

$6 for a revolver?
I messed out on that one.

I heard the NRA used to sell off old service 1911's for under $15

[jeepster09]

Pissing and moaning
A farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when
it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone
began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by
pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know. http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.hdforums.com/get/forum/images/smilies/icon_viking.gif

[jeepster09]

BP leak fix
BP exec announced they had fixed the oil leak today.....they put a wedding ring around the leak and it automatically quit putting out.:behindsofa:

[jeepster09]

the wit of the scots
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon "
and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman then replies '"Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the
Summer and Winter Solsticeshttp://images.intellitxt.com/ast/adTypes/2_bing.gif (http://www.hdforums.com/forum/humor/528292-the-wit-of-the-scots.html#)."

The Greek retorts 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the
discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones
who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies "Aye that is true but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!" :cheer2:
__________________

[rholmes69]

A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.


Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like some rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?


Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a ' Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt."The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.

[rholmes69]

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his new Ford Fusion into a gas station in a remote outport. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is 'How's she cuttin' bye' says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick hello and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. 'What are dose?'asks the attendant. 'They're called tees' replies Tiger. 'Well, what god's earth are dey for?' inquires the attendant. 'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving', says Tiger ..Fookin Jaysus', says the Newfoundlander, 'Ford tinks of everyting!

[rholmes69]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?' Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled,
'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
"No, but I will for the faucet."

[rholmes69]

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

[rholmes69]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............so does she."

[rholmes69]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.

The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a Five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'W hat goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air Phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.

The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

[wyntrout]

Ya think you have lived to be 85 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him..

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

[getsome]

Now thats funny right there, I don't care who you are....

[Bawanna]

I never knew this about myself either. Bawanna the lesbian? Could it be? The facts are right there. I'm perplexed.:(

[Bawanna]

A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart


A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow: I give 5 gallons of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!

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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something......

[getsome]

We have been needing a jokes forum for a long time....this is GREAT!!!... How about this one,..... A young husband makes a bet with his wife that she cant say a single sentence that can make him ecststically happy and terribly heart broken at the same time....She thinks for a minute and says to him, Your nemo is bigger than any of your friends....:D

[rglbegl]

What is the definition of "Mixed Emotions"?



.




.




.




.



Your mother-in-law driving your new Mercedes-Benz off of a cliff

[rholmes69]

MARINE RETIREMENT BONUS

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes.

He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back.

"Dear Lord" he suddenly exclaimed, Where are your testicles?" The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Vietnam ."

[rholmes69]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twot"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[rholmes69]

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

[rholmes69]

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. what the defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to f* you like you've never been f*ed before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket. "Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.

"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

[Frankhenrylee]

I read earlier today that they had just capped off the oil spill in the Gulf, apparantly all they had to do was put a wedding ring on it and it immediately quit putting out.

[rglbegl]

I bring greatness to this thread

http://kahrtalk.com/attachments/general-discussion/1753d1277356858-june-useless-thread-2nd-amendment-gun-rights-control-demotivational-poster-1237078441.jpg
http://kahrtalk.com/attachments/general-discussion/1754d1277356878-june-useless-thread-guns.jpg

[Bawanna]

I'm speechless! And I'm a lesbian. Nice guns.

[Frankhenrylee]

Does she have two fingers on the trigger?

[rholmes69]

Does she have two fingers on the trigger?

She must be one of those speed shooters...

[Bawanna]

Does she have two fingers on the trigger?

Oh? I didn't notice they were holding guns. How weird is that? Tunnel vision?

[wyntrout]

Dang! And I thought that was all he would notice... the guns.
Wynn:D

[Frankhenrylee]

One things for sure, the girl in the second picture doesn't need a holster!

[Bawanna]

Shes truly blessed. I find myself wanting to transplant girl 1's head on girl 2's body. I'll turn myself in for a psycological incorporation, out patient so I don't lose my carry rights of course.

[getsome]

I'm thinking about my body on either number 1's or number 2's head....:banplease:....Lord I'm sorry about that and please be with the starving pigmies down in New Guinea...

[Bawanna]

Get r dun.

[Bawanna]

In an attempt to get the previous lovely photos' out of my head and to prevent talking to myself I was playing around looking at things here and discovered that if you go to your User CP area and click on attachments, everything you ever posted a picture of is stored there! I've often times wanted to send a pic that I'd posted but no longer had available. Now I guess I do. Now weather I can get them out of that area to post again remains to be seen.
I wanted to send Michael W a picture of my slide lock lever melt down job. Perhaps now maybe I can maybe?

[medezyner]

Shes truly blessed. I find myself wanting to transplant girl 1's head on girl 2's body. I'll turn myself in for a psycological incorporation, out patient so I don't lose my carry rights of course.

Ask & you shall receive. Does that work for you Bawanna?

[Bawanna]

Ask & you shall receive. Does that work for you Bawanna?

Mein Got! I believe you've played mother nature and created the perfect woman. Dare I mention it. Does she speak?

[medezyner]

Mein Got! I believe you've played mother nature and created the perfect woman. Dare I mention it. Does she speak?

"Does she speak" Oh no, your not gonna bait me with that one and have the females on this forum flame me! Nice try though. Speaking of that, where's zena been?

[jlottmc]

What is the definition of "Mixed Emotions"?



.




.




.




.



Your mother-in-law driving your new Mercedes-Benz off of a cliff


Not if it meant being rid of mine.

[Bawanna]

"Does she speak" Oh no, your not gonna bait me with that one and have the females on this forum flame me! Nice try though. Speaking of that, where's zena been?

Last I heard from her was several months ago and she was very busy. I miss her terribly. Been even longer since MX5fan checked in and I miss her too.

[rglbegl]

Not if it meant being rid of mine.

Worth a waisted Mercedes huh?
I feel for ya man.

[jeepster09]

Scam warning for older men!
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parkinghttp://images.intellitxt.com/ast/adTypes/2_bing.gif (http://www.hdforums.com/forum/humor/530441-scam-warning-for-older-men.html#) lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot (http://www.hdforums.com/forum/humor/530441-scam-warning-for-older-men.html#), Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle (http://www.hdforums.com/forum/humor/530441-scam-warning-for-older-men.html#). They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also June 1st & 4th, twice on the 5th, 6th, 12th, 19th & 20th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco (http://www.hdforums.com/forum/humor/530441-scam-warning-for-older-men.html#), Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[jeepster09]

Strange Scene
This man was found dead floating face down in his bath tub.

The tub was filled with milk, sugar and corn flakes and the guy had a banana sticking out of his ass.

The police think it is the work of a cereal killer. http://images.ibsrv.net/ibsrv/res/src:www.hdforums.com/get/forum/images/smilies/icon_teeth.gif

[rholmes69]

Farmer john lived on a quiet rural highway. But as time went by the traffic built up to an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day farmer john called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care! Just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers erected a sign that said: SLOW - SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later farmer john called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers! The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So farmer john called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" the sheriff told him, "sure thing, put up your own sign."

He was willing to let farmer john do just about anything to stop him calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from farmer john. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give farmer john a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." he hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to farmer john's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray painted on a sheet of wood: NUDIST COLONY - GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

[rholmes69]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land".

Now Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, social security, retirement funds, etc. So, I called Lifeline, the suicide help line. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan and when I told them I was suicidal, they all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[rholmes69]

Good old Dad, at the Mall...

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed Dad was fixated on the teenager sitting next to him... couldn't seem to stop staring!

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, purple and blue.

My dad kept staring at him, even though the teenager caught him doing it every single time.


Finally, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man??? Never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad's sense of humor, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response.



Dad didn't disappoint, didn't bat an eye and promptly responded, " Got drunk once...and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

[rholmes69]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started
on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[rholmes69]

ITALIAN ARITHMETIC?

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw
three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ava you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine," says the
Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Eacha of DA trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Datsa a 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"



The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "A little doga come along and crappa by eacha tree. So now you gota
dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd,
data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?

[rholmes69]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .

[rholmes69]

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny .

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Obama?" Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me an Obama fan.."

[rholmes69]

WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER, QUESTION A DRUNK...



I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk
standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by
the
derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right.

I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
my marital status..

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct .
But how on earth did you know that?'







The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

[rholmes69]

On his 65th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3."

"When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' " he responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!". Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[rholmes69]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."


So he tied her up and went golfing.

**************************************************


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"


The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"


"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

**************************************************


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.


**************************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed
him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

********************** ****************************


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."


! ! "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."

**************************************************


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen.


"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful .. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You
know you always forget to salt them. U se the salt. USE THE SALT! THE
SALT!"


The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think
I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels
like when I'm driving."


**************************************************


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon
the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap, The Army has been
looking for Herman for 51 years.

[rglbegl]

http://imgur.com/PGFUC.jpg

[wyntrout]

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .......

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[wyntrout]

If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster. .. ..
(see poster below)

. . . I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking?

[Bawanna]

If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster. .. ..
(see poster below)

. . . I mean, seriously, would you quit drinking?

I don't know if even Medezyner could fix that picture. Sure be hard to look at it while your working on it.
I think it would be a good new anti drug campaign. If you do drugs you gotta touch our lips. Uncle, Uncle, I'm clean, no more dope for me.

[wyntrout]

Subject: Wisdom From Training Manuals

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal -


'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US. Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General MacArthur -

'You, you, and you ... panic. The rest of you, come with me.'
- Infantry Sgt.-

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual -

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.
- Basic Flight Training Manual -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit -

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal -

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops -

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot) -

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
- Unknown Author -

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot -

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
- Multi-Engine Training Manual -

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
- Unknown Author -

'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
- Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot -

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but if ATC screws up, ... the pilot dies.'
- Sign over Control Tower Door -

'Never trade luck for skill.'
- Author Unknown -

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: ‘Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh No.'
- Authors Unknown -

'Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
- Basic Flight Training Manual -
Which two? If you don't know I won't tell you.

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist -

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
- Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ -

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.

The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

[wyntrout]

I don't know if even Medezyner could fix that picture. Sure be hard to look at it while your working on it.
I think it would be a good new anti drug campaign. If you do drugs you gotta touch our lips. Uncle, Uncle, I'm clean, no more dope for me.

I thought you might like that lower left one with the pursed lips. Is that a "come on"?

The center one under the sign looks like Nancy Pelosi.

Wynn:D

[wyntrout]

Subject: A womans poem


A WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep,...

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand.

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute, gymnast nymphomaniac with

big boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,...

who doesn't care if I go fishing and drinking. This

doesn't rhyme and I don't give a crap

[wyntrout]

Subject: FW: THE HAIR CUT



The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.


BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[wyntrout]

A Redneck from Tennessee walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% annualized interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from the University of Tennessee, a highly sophisticated investor and multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas . What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good 'ole Tennessee boy replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

His name was BUBBA..


denis

[wyntrout]

Check this clip out:

YouTube - Greatest movie line ever! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aA0nld86tGw)

[wyntrout]

First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Levin's pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it...
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time...'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She then beat the crap out of me...

Moderators, if this is too racy, please remove it.
Wynn

[wyntrout]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?' She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'


An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'



A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'



When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.' I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'



Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

[wyntrout]

Only a person in West Virginia could think of this.

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Clarksburg, WV after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.


At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.

This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

[wyntrout]

Even if you don't care about hunting,
Gotta Love Ted!

See picture below.

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, an animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'

The interview ended.

[wyntrout]

Republican Women

YouTube - Republican vs. Democrat Women (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=sXzrUztyd1Y)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIgAKxASPuw&NR=1

[wyntrout]

Subject: Golfer at the dentist


A man and his wife walk into a dentist's office.

The man says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two
buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget the
anesthetic; I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to
pull the tooth, and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best
golf course in town and it's almost 9:30 already so I don't have time to
wait for the anesthetic to work."



The dentist asks, "Which tooth is it?"



The man turns to his wife and says, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

[wyntrout]

Sweet Tea
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don ' t know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don ' t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes Back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[wyntrout]

A Colonoscopy Journal.... funniest you'll ever read

This is one of the funniest thing I have ever read. If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this one!!!


ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[wyntrout]

*THE FOLLOWING IMMIGRATION LAWS ARE PROPOSED...* * *

*1 There will be no special bilingual programs in the schools.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
2. All ballots will be in this nation's language.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
3.. All government business will be conducted in our language.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
4. Non-residents will NOT have the right to vote no matter how long they are
here.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
5. Non-citizens will NEVER be able to hold political office.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
6 Foreigners will not be a burden to the taxpayers. No welfare, no food
stamps, no health care, or other government assistance programs. Any burden
will be deported.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
7. Foreigners can invest in this country, but it must be an amount at least
equal to 40,000 times the daily minimum wage.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
8. If foreigners come here and buy land... Options will be restricted.
Certain parcels including waterfront property are reserved for citizens
naturally born into this country.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
9.. Foreigners may have no protests; no demonstrations, no waving of a
foreign flag, no political organizing, no bad-mouthing our president or his
policies. These will lead to deportation.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
10. If you do come to this country illegally, you will be actively hunted
&, when caught, sent to jail until your deportation can be arranged. All
assets will be taken from you..
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

**Harsh, you say?.......*
*
**The above laws are current immigration laws of* *MEXICO*

[wyntrout]

THE AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is'.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light
in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son..... 'Go get your mother.'

[wyntrout]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and
watched In horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his
hands together at his groin,
Fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,
she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a
few minutes,' the man replied He was in obvious agony,
lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there
at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to
help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's
still broken!

[wyntrout]

Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

*************************************

On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

*************************************
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

***********************************
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

***********************************
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal..'

****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!!!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

[wyntrout]

Liberals are asking us to give Obama time We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. -Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?

A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. -O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?

A: A fund raiser. -Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?

A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. -Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?

A: America ! -Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?

A: Bo has papers. -Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?

A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. -Letterman


In God We Trust!

[jlottmc]

Obama was addressing a class full of youngsters when he asked if they knew what a tragedy was. The first little girl that timidly raised her hand said "A tragedy is when my friend Billy was working on his farm and got killed after being run over by the tractor." Obama said that no, that was an accident, and asked if anyone else knew what a tragedy was. The next little boy to raise his hand said "That bus in India that drove off a cliff and killed 102 kids must be a tragedy." Obama shook his head and said that is called a great loss. After a couple of minutes, Johnny raises his hand. When called on he says "Well a tragedy is when the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama crashes and kills both of you." Obama is astounded and says that Johnny is absolutely correct and asks how he came to know this. Johnny replies "Well that's certainly no great loss, and sure as hell isn't an accident."

[jlottmc]

Republican Women

YouTube - Republican vs. Democrat Women (http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=sXzrUztyd1Y)

YouTube - Conservative women vs. Liberal women (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cIgAKxASPuw&NR=1)

Warn me before you do that. I lost my cookies when that fat cow whose unmentionable name starts with an R appeared. But it is funny that for the most part, the dumbocrat women were angry old bags...

[rholmes69]

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she
grows up. She said she wanted to be president some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked
her, "If you were president what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her
parents beamed.

"Wow... what a worthy goal." I told her, "But you don't have to wait
until you're president to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the
lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you
over to the grocery store where homeless guys hang out, and you can give them
the $50, you earned, to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in
the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work,
and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

[rholmes69]

We are in trouble...

The
Population of this country is 300 million.


160
Million are retired.



That leaves 140 million to do the
Work.




There are 85 million in school.




Which leaves 55 million to do the work.





Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
Government.




Leaving 20 million to do the work.




2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
With killing Osama
Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 17.2
Million to do the work.




Take from that total the 15.8
Million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
Leaves 1.4 million to do the work.




At any given
Time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.



Leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people
In prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the
Work.





You and me.



And there
You are,



Sitting on your @$$,
Reading Jokes on the internet


Real nice..

[rholmes69]

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every
time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on
something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I
check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to
avoid looking confused but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just
say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am Bi-Sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare
at me with a blank look.

[rholmes69]

A police officer stops at a farm in western North Carolina and talks with the owner, an old farmer. He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs."

The old farmer says, "OK, but make sure you don't go in that field over there.."


The officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the government with me." Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his police badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer.


"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. There is nothing to stop me - this badge gives me the right. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"


The farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.


Within minutes, the farmer hears loud screams and sees the officer running for his life.. Close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The officer is clearly terrified.


The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


'Your badge! Show him your badge!!!

[rholmes69]

It's Hell to be Old
OLD people have problems that we haven't even considered yet!
An 85 year old man was requested by
his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample.'
The next day the old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as
the day it was given to him.
The doctor asked what happened and the old man explained:
'Well doc, it's like this--first I tried with
my right hand, and nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, and still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife to help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, and
still nothing.'
'She tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then her teeth out, and still
nothing.'
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too. First with her
hands, then her armpits, and she even
tried squeezin' it between her knees,
and still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open!

[rholmes69]

Tickle Me Elmo:

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test
tickles.

[bps3040]

I will play, lol

[bps3040]

Another 1

[bps3040]

and again, lol

[bps3040]

and another

[bps3040]

another 1

[bps3040]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and during Lent were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steak was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggest that he become Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "you were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison once again filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately and as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and said, "you was born a deer, you was raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.

[wyntrout]

Good ones, bps3040! LOL.
Wynn:D

[rglbegl]

http://i664.photobucket.com/albums/vv9/adamciya350/269.gif

[rholmes69]

That's funny rglbegl

[wyntrout]

Free kittens


A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing

FREE KITTENS.


Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.

Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young,
their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day;

and in front of the assembled media,
have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from

ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment was quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Yes, but their eyes are open now.

[Bawanna]

Don't mess with naked old dudes.........



A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
for the sake of civility, and to keep it from
getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering,
"If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were
better looking it would lift itself."

[rglbegl]

Steph (the wifey) got to shoot a full auto Tommy gun

YouTube - Steph shooting a full auto Tommy gun (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yza2QPPBKbQ)

[Bawanna]

That looks like a good time! Just something about that full auto that turns a good time into a great time. She handled it very well too, bet she's wanting her very own now huh?

[Bawanna]

Pretty quiet around here today, must be some nice weather in the south and east.

I find myself pondering if Kahr will make a K series in 416 Rigby? This is what boredom does to small minds.

[rglbegl]

. . .bet she's wanting her very own now huh?

We aren't allowed to own full autos in Cali.

We cant even own a Thompson in Cali.:mad:

[Bawanna]

We aren't allowed to own full autos in Cali.

We cant even own a Thompson in Cali.:mad:

I own a Thompson, working towards the application to do the SBR thing to it so it can be normal length. Even more of a novelty for your wife being in CA.
I wasn't allowed to tattoo a picture of Roy Orbison on my backside either, (pics another time).

California and a few other places are sounding more and more like good places to be from. As in I use to live in CA but now I live in civilization.

[wyntrout]

How about a "Coyboy" in .69 caliber??

Wynn:D

[Bawanna]

How about a "Coyboy" in .69 caliber??

Wynn:D

We could call it the Broke Back Special.

[wyntrout]

Reading Terminal Market, Philadelphia, Pa.

Marvelous . . . just marvelous! ! !

On Saturday, April 24th, over 30 members of the Opera Company of Philadelphia Chorus and principal cast members from the upcoming production of La Traviata converged on the Reading Terminal Market Italian Festival. Wearing street clothes and blending in with the crowd, the artists swung into action after the first orchestral strains of the famed "Brindisi" were piped through the market, giving a rousing, surprise performance for hundreds of delighted onlookers who were there to enjoy the Italian delicacies and the everyday treats that the Reading Terminal Market has to offer. The four-minute piece won a thunderous ovation that included both laughter and tears from the audience.


YouTube - Opera Company of Philadelphia "Flash Brindisi" at Reading Terminal Market (April 24, 2010) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zmwRitYO3w)

[wyntrout]

We could call it the Broke Back Special.

You, know... it's almost frightening how like minds come up with like thoughts. That was my thought as I made that post.

Or, in that case, The Broke Back 99 Special.

Wynn:D

[wyntrout]

Who does this bring to mind?

REMEMBER WHEN YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU NEVER TO
TAKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER....

(see picture below)

...THIS IS THE ONE
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT!!!!! :eek:

[getsome]

OMG, Dietrich got a fro....Wonder if you get a prize along with your gumball....

[Bawanna]

That should be a freebie, no questions asked. Aim between the candy globes. Surprised he's not secretary of state.

[wyntrout]

More than likely, it's a SUR-prize! Or is it a "SIR?!!?" Prize?

Wynn:D

[rholmes69]

Whaa, whaa, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

You have technically violated the most important rule of the June Useless Thread. Pretty obvious what it is being that we are now in JULY!!!! :) :) :)

[Bawanna]

I shall attempt to remedy this dire situation.

[rholmes69]

Do it, DO IT!!