On the lighter side of life a laugh

[Harrylee]

Found this on line looking at THE FAR SIDE by GARY LARSON from years past

BEAR REMOVER

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof; then, I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

[Bawanna]

Heard it before but it still makes me laugh. Good one!

[kenemoore]

Oldie but goodie

[wyntrout]

Dang! We need a like button as Facebook has.

Wynn :D

[downtownv]

;) a retraining of the dog may be in order, as well....

[Harrylee]

The Moral of the Story
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. They were to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy began, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks," Lucy explained.
"And what is the moral to your story?" the teacher asked.
'Don't count your chickens until they're hatched.'
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Vietnam and his plane got hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break when he crash landed. He came down right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets. Then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
'Don't screw with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking.'

[jeepster09]

Check it out!

[Bawanna]

Aw man, what a flood of memories that brings back.

[SlowBurn]

Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien' Thibodeaux.
Thibodeaux said, "Boudreaux, you see dat ole barn out dere? Well man, its completely infestered wit' rats. I tried everything I know an' can't get rid of dem."
Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know zactly how to get rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."
Thibodeaux say, "Whats a bull constriptor?"
Boudreaux explains, " Man. Dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat rats and swallers dem whole, all at once."
Well, da nex' day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got. He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle and just sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin' happenin'. Dat big ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day. He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around.
Thibodeaux got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats play all day long."
Boudreaux say, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give dat snake some Viagra."
Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?"
Boudreaux say, "I was just listening to da radio and de man say dat Viagra is da best t'ing to use for a reptile dysfunction."

[jeepster09]

Each day, the new male employee stands next to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He inhales quite deeply, and comments that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She goes to a

supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment

grievance against the male employee.



The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker

telling you that your hair smells nice?"



"It's Larry. The midget."

[jeepster09]

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy
is grown up when he starts removing it.

2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never
realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but
having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of
mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

5. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Coors,
Fosters, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but
will grab whatever is available.

[jeepster09]

Three Contractors Bid On The White House Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.
That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House Offical and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

[jeepster09]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.


The first Catholic man tells his friends,

"My son is a priest. When he walks into
a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."


The second Catholic man chirps,


"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says,


"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,

"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"


She proudly replies,


"I have a daughter,

SLIM
TALL
38D BREASTS
24" WAIST and
36" HIPS.


When she walks into a room, people say,


Oh my God!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kenm]

Three Contractors Bid On The White House Fence

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.
That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House Offical and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

Hah - good one - safe to retell to my students.

Sadly, though, that's how the government often works. .... Period.

And so did the military when I was involved in military procurement in the early 90s's - the guys getting killed in battle or doing the real work
were mostly honest, BUT the top brass were lining their pockets - not much difference cf the bank execs who crashed our economy, the Bush dynasty who
sucked up to the anti-American Saudis and arabs to maintain their family's oil wealth, the Clintons who built up a tidy bank balance (not forgetting immoral Bill), Govt officials who "retire" and use their connections to get 7-figure jobs... the list goes on.

Thanks for the humor, folks, ... helps lighten up the work day.

[GROTMAN]

JEEPSTER.. you are definitely on a roll. Heard some of them before but still funny. ;)

[kenemoore]

JEEPSTER.. you are definitely on a roll. Heard some of them before but still funny. ;)

^ +1

[jeepster09]

A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?"

"Nothing," she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this bank's balls in my hand."

[SlowBurn]

Barack Hussein Obama, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: “You will die on a Jewish holiday.”

“Which one?'” Obama asks nervously.

“It doesn’t matter.” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it’ll be a Jewish holiday.”