Humor for September

[kenemoore]

Time to start a new Humor thread.

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad..'

[CJB]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

~~~~~~

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A women who won't do what she's told

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q. Why do women have breasts?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?
A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q: Whats the difference between a straight woman & a lesbian?
A: Half a bottle of wine

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer the sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q: Why do men break wind more than women?
A: Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
A: Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Q:Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

[kenemoore]

https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12002797_1070981736254458_4598522161267978002_n.jp g?oh=36a0efd6c03fc7313eac6253cf9588e7&oe=5676A039

[wyntrout]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7990&stc=1&d=1363707220

Thanks! I needed a good laugh!

Wynn :D

[GROTMAN]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c8/65/de/c865de230c9b8613cb2bd92b7881e2a9.jpg

[downtownv]

One day in the future, Barack
Obama has a heart-attack and
dies.
He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for
him.
"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."



Obama thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.



In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.



"No," Obama said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."



The devil led him to the door of
the next room.



In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.



"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented Obama.



The devil opened a third door.
Through it, Obama saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

Obama looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."



The devil smiled and said...........

(This is priceless...)





"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

[kenemoore]

GROTMAN.....I liked that one.

[DavidWJ]

Seems Sarah and Monica got the best deals...

[jeepster09]

Modern Dominos...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osLnOljLjRI

[wyntrout]

http://www.tbyil.com/funny_old_fart.jpg





http://www.tbyil.com/Gated_Community_internet.jpg













http://www.tbyil.com/Child_Brains.jpg




http://www.tbyil.com/Costco.jpg




http://www.tbyil.com/Missing_Hearing_Aid.jpg








http://www.tbyil.com/PMS2.jpg












http://www.tbyil.com/census.jpg

[b4uqzme]

Now that last one....THAT's funny!

[kenemoore]

https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11986552_10205930965807357_2446856047452700535_n.j pg?oh=45e779ab03a11f9e29581436e7bfe5cf&oe=56A6B6D2

[getsome]

A young man was eating lunch at a burger joint when he noticed a very sweet elderly couple come in the front door holding hands....The old fellow kissed his wife and pulled out her chair for her to sit down while he went to the counter and ordered one plain hamburger, one small French fry and a small soft drink....He took the food to the table and proceeded to cut the hamburger in to equal halves and then counted out the fries so that they both had the exact same amount....

The gentleman carefully ate his half burger and the fries then took one sip from the drink and then slid the cup over to his wife so she could take a sip....The younger man watching all this couldn't stand it any more and went over to offer to buy them both a full meal but the old couple politely refused after thanking him....

The young man finished his meal and as he was leaving he once more asked if he could buy them some more food and the wife just smiled and said "sweetie we do this all the time and we share everything and we are very happy this way but you are very kind to offer"....The young man said ok but then noticed the lady hadn't eaten any of her food and her husband was finished already so he asked her, what are you waiting for???....

She smiled sweetly and said, The teeth

[kenemoore]

^^^ me like

[OvalNut]

https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12002797_1070981736254458_4598522161267978002_n.jp g?oh=36a0efd6c03fc7313eac6253cf9588e7&oe=5676A039

Now that there is FUNNY!
:D


Tim

[Armybrat]

http://i1265.photobucket.com/albums/jj509/whitman86/labs_zpsmgkls9cx.jpg

[kenemoore]

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[wyntrout]

Tsk. Tsk. Sensitivity training required. :D

[muggsy]

Love it. Could only have been a better story if "Old Jocko" was the biker. :)

[SlowBurn]

http://i1265.photobucket.com/albums/jj509/whitman86/labs_zpsmgkls9cx.jpg

hahahahaha :)

[wyntrout]

http://conservativetribune.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/112-470x433.jpg
http://conservativetribune.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/27-470x479.jpg
http://conservativetribune.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/34-470x579.jpg

[kwh]

The later it gets in the Month, the better they get.
Can't wait until the 30th.

[wyntrout]

Little Old Lady Gets Stopped By A Cop. He Froze When She Said This. A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?” the old lady said…. “Well, Not everybody pays.”

[340pd]

Deleted due to end of month humor rules

[b4uqzme]

We have humor rules? :rolleyes:

[kwh]

Yes^ rules are rules. We need jokes for September 31st.

[b4uqzme]

^^^ heck, I didn't even realize we had humor...

[OldLincoln]

Yes^ rules are rules. We need jokes for September 31st.

Well, dang it, I didn't even know we had a September 31 this year. Must be a liberal trick.

[340pd]

OK Sept. 31


Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back five minutes later:

"Computer really f ****d up now."

[b4uqzme]

^^^ nice capstone for the month. Good job! :D

[GROTMAN]

The Clintons and the $50 Hooker Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees him and calls out, “Fifty dollars!”
He's tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back, “Five!”
She's disgusted and turns away while Bill continues his jog. A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down on her price. “Fifty!” she shouts.
Bill answers her, “Five!” No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells, “See what you get for five dollars!

This is September 32nd isn't it?

[Bawanna]

Excellent!

And yes, crap, my watch calendar quit on the 23rd. I think your ok.

[Armybrat]

Speaking of crap, I bet they had to clean a lot of seats after this....

http://pbs.twimg.com/media/CQGv167UcAA48s7.png:large

[ltxi]

^ Watched a Marine F-4 pilot land like that once back in the late '60s. Johnston Island. Did it on purpose, one of his mains wouldn't come down. Landed on the left, slowed the aircraft, and gently dropped the right wing to the ground. No bar tab for him at the club until he left a day or two later.