October humor

[CJB]

New recruit Park Rangers, at Denali National Park in Alaska, are issued brand new Smith & Wesson, or Sturm Ruger, caliber .44 magnum, six shot revolvers, as a defense against grizzly bears during the course of their daily activities throughout the park. The revolvers are modified, so that they have no front sights protruding from their barrels.

After some basic instruction, the newbies are issued five rounds of high power, heavy bullet .44 magnum ammunition. They are also issued one round of relatively low powered .44 Special ammunition.

For those not familiar, "Dirty" Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) popularized the .44 magnum, as the most powerful handgun in the world, able to "blow your head clean off". That was the movies. In real life, David Berkowitz, known in the 1970's as New York City's "Son of Sam" killer, used a diminutive .44 Special revolver to kill his victims. The .44 Special is nothing to laugh at, but its only a quarter as powerful as the .44 magnum.

During a recent recruit induction, one recruit had a few questions to ask. He was curious about why they were issued five high power rounds of ammunition, and one relatively low powered round.

The training officer replied "If attacked by a bear, you are to shoot the bear five times with the .44 magnum rounds. Should that fail, the .44 Special, is to help preserve your identity after you shoot yourself in the head to avoid being eaten alive".

The recruit was not dismayed, and asked if that was the case, why the revolver's front sights were removed. Certainly, he believed, the sights would be needed in case a bear attacked.

"No," said the training officer. "The sights are removed so that in case you chicken out, it hurts less when the bear shoves the revolver up your ass!"

[getsome]

A proud Irish father wanted to take his son out for his first pint so they went down to O'Malleys corner tavern and he ordered his son a pint of Guinness but the son didn't care for it so rather than waste it the father drank it...He then ordered a pint of Harp ale and again the son didn't like it so he figured what the heck and downed it....

After ordering several pints of Kilkenny and Murphys stout and having to drink those he figured maybe his son just didn't care for beer so he ordered shots of 12 year old Bushmills then moving up to 18 year old Jameson Black Label and finally to some real expensive 25 year old Midleton all of which were turned down by the son so he started to figure the lad just didn't like to drink....

The father by this time was so hammered and saddened that he loaded his son in his stroller and staggered back home

[Bawanna]

That's a pretty sad story getsome. Made me cry a little bit.

[wyntrout]

A Man and His Ostrich Walk Into a Restaurant. What Happens Next is Gold A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be $6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes a routine until one late evening, the two enter again
.

“The usual?” asks the waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man.
“Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “that will be $12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.


“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”


“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”


“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.


The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

[Iggy]

LOL. I like that one.


I got the first part of the second wish too.:001_huh:

[b4uqzme]

A buddy of mine was golfing at Firestone Country Club right here in Akron.
He got to the 15th hole --- a beautiful par three --- and hits an even more beautiful tee shot --- HOLE IN ONE!
With that a huge plume a smoke enveloped green and a great genie appeared:
"I am the genie of hole 15 and your tremendous feat of skill and ability has earned you one wish."
The man thought about it and began to say: "Well I've always wanted to be better endowed if you know what I mean..."
"DONE" cries the genie cutting him off. And he and the smoke disappear back into hole number 15.
My buddy shrugs his shoulders, still a little in disbelief, and continues his round.
Jumping ahead a bit, my buddy starts noticing things growing down there...and growing...and growing...and, by the time he gets to hole 18, this is really a problem.
So he literally crawls into the pro shop to ask what to do about his predicament.
The golf pro recognizes the problem right away and hands my buddy a five-iron and directs him right back to hole 15. He's gonna need that genie again.
Barely able to stand, my buddy hits shot after shot until, miraculously, he hits another hole in one.
Dragging himself up to the green he finds it covered in smoke and the genie is there waiting:
"I am the genie of hole 15 and your tremendous feat of skill and ability has earned you one wish."
To which our buddy whimpers:
"QUICK! GIVE ME LONGER LEGS!"

[muggsy]

When I was a ranger at Big Met Golf Course a woman came up to me complaining that she had just been stung by a bee. "Where did the bee sting you?" I asked. "Between the first and second hole, she responded." "If that's the case then your stance is too wide." I replied. :) Ba dump bump.

[jocko]

When I was a ranger at Big Met Golf Course a woman came up to me complaining that she had just been stung by a bee. "Where did the bee sting you?" I asked. "Between the first and second hole, she responded." "If that's the case then your stance is too wide." I replied. :) Ba dump bump.

and so goes Muggsy and his nastiness even towards women, opl Gold ranger. Did you ride a horse??? Was your cart equiped with siren and lights?? Just sayi. Did you have first aid on board tohgelp a wounded person. You could have kissed the bee sting and made things better you know. especially if it was between the first and second hole. Just sayin

[GROTMAN]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a##hole before prison... '"

[Armybrat]

A liberal’s paradise would be a place where everybody has guaranteed employment, free comprehensive healthcare, free education, free food, free housing, free clothing, free utilities, and only law enforcement has guns.


And believe it or not, such a place does indeed already exist: It's called "Prison."



Sheriff Joe Arpaio, Phoenix