November Humor

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/1424385_481963351917899_753593426_n.jpg?oh=e18f789 868592779641b3f0a4ce16317&oe=56B1F183
(https://www.facebook.com/260882567359313/photos/a.261386490642254.58700.260882567359313/481963351917899/?type=3)


Stampede for Truth (https://www.facebook.com/260882567359313/photos/a.261386490642254.58700.260882567359313/481963351917899/?type=3&fref=nf)




October 29, 2013 ·
A cowboy named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in eastern Oregon when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Billy looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Billy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Billy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Billy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

[Iggy]

Ain't that the dadburned truth. I've had a run in or two with the Gummint boogers. One of them at gun point.

[kenemoore]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

Talking Dog for Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The United States Marine Corps... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"

[wyntrout]

After my Prostate Exam, the Doctor left.





Then the nurse came in. As she shut the door,





she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:








"Who Was That?"

[wyntrout]

Subject: OMG












https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xaf1/v/t1.0-9/11828823_10154666873841959_1675755800563825792_n.j pg?oh=9391ce6411444ed8fd5387f3820f5421&oe=56CF283D

[wyntrout]

Funny.


https://www.facebook.com/AdultHumour69/videos/578081452288433/

[muggsy]

I recently went to my gastroenterologist for an upper and lower G.I. Just before he put me under anesthesia I told him, "Whatever you do Doc don't get those two tubes mixed up." He laughed and said, "You're going to be asleep and you won't remember a thing." I replied, "Yeah, Doc, but if I wake up with a crappy taste in my mouth......,

[wyntrout]

http://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Obama-Joke-copy.jpg?resize=580%2c375 (http://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Obama-Joke-copy.jpg)http://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Putin-over-Churchill-copy.jpg?resize=580%2c440 (http://i0.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Putin-over-Churchill-copy.jpg)http://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Putin-Slams-Obaba-copy.jpg?resize=580%2c407 (http://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Putin-Slams-Obaba-copy.jpg)


http://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Obama-v-Putin-2-copy.jpg?resize=514%2c600 (http://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Obama-v-Putin-2-copy.jpg)http://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Obama-*****-copy.jpg?resize=580%2c328 (http://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Obama-*****-copy.jpg)

http://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Red-Line-again-copy.jpg?resize=580%2c469 (http://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Red-Line-again-copy.jpg)


http://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/12064506_10154471889598973_499375601_n.jpg?resize= 450%2c600 (http://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/12064506_10154471889598973_499375601_n.jpg)



http://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Iran-Clock-copy.jpg?resize=580%2c417 (http://i1.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Iran-Clock-copy.jpg)http://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Eye-on-the-Ball-copy.jpg?resize=580%2c422 (http://i2.wp.com/www.powerlineblog.com/ed-assets/2015/10/Eye-on-the-Ball-copy.jpg)

[wyntrout]

http://thefederalistpapers.integratedmarket.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/17.jpg (http://thefederalistpapers.integratedmarket.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/17.jpg)




http://thefederalistpapers.integratedmarket.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/27.jpg (http://thefederalistpapers.integratedmarket.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/27.jpg)



http://thefederalistpapers.integratedmarket.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/33.jpg (http://thefederalistpapers.integratedmarket.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/33.jpg)

[wyntrout]

Wow! As I was posting this to share, I saw two large birds out over the water... one chasing the other. At first I thought one was a crow and a then a buzzard, but then I recognized that it was a magnificent bald eagle chasing an osprey! They made several more violent loops before the eagle departed to the West with the Osprey kind of following a few seconds behind. The cove off the St. Johns River is about 130 yards from our house and I see lots of birds and aircraft sitting at my computer. I don't always have the blinds wide open, though.

Wynn :)

[wyntrout]

Husband Gets Angry With His Wife. This Is Her Response. Share on Facebook
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? Its been flickering for weeks now.”


He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”


“Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It wont close right.”


To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”


“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.
”

“I”m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!”


So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how”d this all get fixed?”


She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either sleep with him or bake him a cake.”


He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”


She replied, “Hello… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

[340pd]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.' The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....


Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

[GROTMAN]

LITTLE JOHNNY AND SEX EDUCATION
At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important. ”
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.” “Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.”

[kenemoore]

LITTLE JOHNNY AND SEX EDUCATION
At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.
Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies. “Great,” said the teacher, “that's very important. ”
Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people getting married. “Well, that has to do with it too,” said the teacher.
Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, “Well, Johnny, that really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.” “Yes it does,” said Johnny, ” it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.”

Brought tears to my eyes, Love it.

[getsome]

An older gentleman was at his doctors office and told him that he was worried about his wife losing her hearing because she never answers him and wanted to know how he could prove it to her once and for all....The doctor said, here's what you do, when you get home open the front door and say with a normal voice "Honey I'm home, what's for dinner" and if she doesn't answer get a little closer and keep saying the same thing until she responds and if you have to get real close then she's going deaf....The old feller goes home and does what the doc said and from the front door he shouted out "Honey I'm home, what's for dinner" nothing so he goes to the living room and tried it from there, no answer, then he goes to the dining room where he can see her at the sink washing dishes and says it again, still no answer, then to the kitchen door, and again no answer so he gets right up to her ear and says, "Honey I'm home, what's for dinner" and she turns to him and yells "I heard you the first time you deaf old goat, go get a hearing aid and for the 5th fokking time now we're having Meatloaf" !!!

[Bawanna]

Damn getsome, that one hit kind of close to home for me. Huh?

[muggsy]

Guys, I have a confession to make. Yesterday I went out to a bar and way too much to drink. Realizing that I was over the legal limit I had the good sense to take a bus home from the bar. I arrived home safely feeling all warm and fuzzy which is a miracle, because I had never driven a bus before in my entire life. :)

[berettabone]

That alcohol must have altered your reality........................................... ......................................

[OldLincoln]

Okay, not a qualified funny, but so darn sweet that I can't help myself. My son and family are the closest I've ever seen. I'd like to take credit but all we did is try to love and protect him and instill values and traditions. He has 2 sons and a daughter who have all excelled and become examples to others. The daughter is a freshman in college, the middle boy a Sophmore in High School (ans class pres - again) and the yougun 8th grade. They have always been best friends and hung together when nearby. They all have quick tongues and quip at each other. Their skin is tough and they see the humor in both giving and taking. Now you know the back story.

They came over for dinner last Sunday and we celebrated the boys birthday months apart but we don't celebrate on the day. We gave the youngest a gift certificate for Sports Authority. He showed the daughter what he got and said "I'm going to get a frisbe." The daughter replied "Get a boomerang so nobody has to play with you." The entire table split a seem and took a few minutes to breath again. I'm sharing because it's one of those special moments I'll always remember. Hope you enjoyed too.

[wyntrout]

Subject: Funnies !



I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those ***** enlargers, so I did ... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely
spoiled our 10th anniversary.


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

Question
- Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan .I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the
driveway.

[DeaconKC]

Two older couples are having lunch together and the guys are gabbing. One tells the other "Man, we went to a great new restaurant last week. Excellent food, the service was great and really good prices." His buddy asks "What's the name of the place?"The other guy stops and then says "What's the name of that flower that you give someone you love, that has thorns?" "A rose" "Thanks, hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last week?"

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/12190790_885262228254074_5986858292783430697_n.jpg ?oh=675b782aed0a6db2275c6315328e724b&oe=56B6CD6A

Dang! I forgot to warn Jocko not to look!

(https://www.facebook.com/734659086647723/photos/a.734698836643748.1073741828.734659086647723/885262228254074/?type=3)

[340pd]

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago , when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago . The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[SlowBurn]

Obama and Putin touring a sheep ranch see a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. Obama says, "What should we do?"
Putin says "I show you." He walks up behind the sheep, drops his pants, and has his way with it then backs off and turns to Obama and says "See? Your turn now"
Obama says "Okay," walks up, and sticks his head in the fence.

[muggsy]

Old Jocko is gonna love that one.

[jocko]

https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/12190790_885262228254074_5986858292783430697_n.jpg ?oh=675b782aed0a6db2275c6315328e724b&oe=56B6CD6A

Dang! I forgot to warn Jocko not to look!

(https://www.facebook.com/734659086647723/photos/a.734698836643748.1073741828.734659086647723/885262228254074/?type=3)


damn, t seems we always have to bring sheep into any post. They have feelngs to, u know. Just sayin

[jocko]

ol jocko might have tohave knee surgery, I sent the xrays to bawana and muggsy for a professional opinion, as I trust their judgement. So far Ihave not heard back from them. I would post the xray but I don't know how as I would love the form feedback as I know uguys are allconcerned about my health. Just sayin

[Bawanna]

I'd say amputation of your third leg would solve a lot of issues. Just sayin.

Heck we could get you a new handle too. "Stumpy".

[GROTMAN]

ol jocko might have tohave knee surgery, I sent the xrays to bawana and muggsy for a professional opinion, as I trust their judgement. So far Ihave not heard back from them. I would post the xray but I don't know how as I would love the form feedback as I know uguys are allconcerned about my health. Just sayin

Haven't seen the x rays but if you do need surgery I would highly recommend my doc.. did this for me. :lie:
http://www.berrysimpson.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/knees-3.jpg (http://www.berrysimpson.com/category/running/)

[CJB]

Them gams are wound tighter than Aunt Bees doo!

[wyntrout]

Obama and Putin touring a sheep ranch see a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. Obama says, "What should we do?"
Putin says "I show you." He walks up behind the sheep, drops his pants, and has his way with it then backs off and turns to Obama and says "See? Your turn now"
Obama says "Okay," walks up, and sticks his head in the fence.

Oh! Man, that's funny... probably true, too. Frank Marshall Davis was his mentor, a Communist... and a pedophile or butt-buddy, I think. There were rumors of Obummer being gay or bi.

Wynn :D

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/v/t1.0-9/601478_585779111434535_629756232_n.jpg?oh=8fbd6f8e f2087d6ea2f7c2912007ae4e&oe=56EC34D7
(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=585779111434535&set=a.566282860050827.129849.100000073539209&type=3)



The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.

[kenemoore]

https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2/v/t1.0-9/601478_585779111434535_629756232_n.jpg?oh=8fbd6f8e f2087d6ea2f7c2912007ae4e&oe=56EC34D7
(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=585779111434535&set=a.566282860050827.129849.100000073539209&type=3)



The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.

^^^ Now that's funny.

[jocko]

oh, so thats actually how gays got started. Very interested Watson.

[berettabone]

oh, so thats actually how gays got started. Very interested Watson.

I can't understand what you wrote............................................. ..........

[jocko]

I can't understand what you wrote............................................. ..........

so whats new??

[wyntrout]

http://i.imgur.com/bE9Wlsi.jpg

[Armybrat]

I'd say amputation of your third leg would solve a lot of issues. Just sayin.

Heck we could get you a new handle too. "Stumpy".

You ought to Google up "Three Legged Willie" on Wikipedia some time.
(it's a Texas thing)

[berettabone]

so whats new??
I guess I should have put a smilie.......................that's the best typing I've seen in months...........:p

[Armybrat]

The Italian Lover, a virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome , when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,

Guido reached for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Danish."

[b4uqzme]

Picture a brothel and three gentlemen. One gentleman is entering the house, the second is inside and the third is leaving. Based on that description, can you determine their nationalities?



The gentleman entering is Russian.
The nice man leaving is Finnish
And the one inside? He's Himalayan.

[getsome]

A guy starts getting suspicious that his wife is cheating on him while he goes out bowling with his friends so one night he decides to park down the road and sneak back to his house and hide behind his boat in the driveway to see if anyone shows up....Sure enough after a short time a car drives up and a young good looking stud gets out and walks up to the front door and rings the bell and when the wife opens the door and they immediately embrace and go inside...

The husband sticks his head around the boat motor so he can see through the open drapes and sees his wife and the young stud tearing it up on his new sofa....After he can't watch what was happening anymore he sulks back to his car not knowing what to do so he turns on the radio and it just so happens that the "Doctor Laura" talk show is on so he decides to give her a call and ask her what to do....After a while she finally comes on the line asking what his call was about and how can she be of help....He tells her the whole sad story of hiding behind his boat and watching his wife with another man and how it's killing him knowing there's someone else in her life....Doctor Laura says how sorry she is and advises him to make an appointment with a psychologist to talk it out and decide what to do with his future.....By now he's blubbering and crying and say's that's what he will do but then asks her if he can ask a last question about the one thing that's really troubling and worrying him the most about what he had seen earlier that night and she says sure go ahead....



He says, if the lower unit of a Yamaha 150 outboard is leaking gear oil does it need a complete rebuild or will a new seal take care of it....

[getsome]

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

[getsome]

Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. At the first house she came to, a man answered the door and said to her, "Yes, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"
'Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie. 'Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is 20 bucks alright?" Julie asked.
'Yes, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house. His wife, who had been listening, said to him, $20.00 Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" 'Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.
About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. 'I'm all finished' she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed.
"You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah' Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" he man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.
"Oh, and by the way," said Julie That's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."

[kwh]

^^^Laughed and cried at the same time.

[wyntrout]

http://i.imgur.com/5vfXVPF.jpg

:D

[Armybrat]

http://i.imgur.com/Q7HpnaW.jpg

[OldLincoln]

Loved those pants, worn them until couldn't find them anymore. Don't need them now, my action lost it's traction. :(

[wyntrout]

Nurse Says She Won’t Laugh Because She’s A Professional. But What Followed Is Hysterical.

“Why are you here to see the doctor”? asked the nurse to the man in the examination room
.

“I’ll tell you, but I don’t want you to laugh”, said Bob.


“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”


“Okay then,” said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his pants, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.


Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private part, she composed herself as well as she could. “I am so sorry,” she said , “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again.


Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”


“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.


She ran out of the room.

[CJB]

http://i.imgur.com/Q7HpnaW.jpg

The only problem I had with 'em was that "Action Zone" would rub my pecker raw, since I go "commando".

[CJB]

A grumbly, gravel voiced old man, speaking sort of loudly due to is hearing loss, goes into a doctors office.

He walks through the waiting room, and up to the window to check in, saying loudly, "I gotta see the doc!".

The nurse there asks what his problem is.

"Its my dick!" he says, even more loudly.

"Sir!", the nurse responds, "You can't say that so loudly here! There are patients in the waiting room who might hear every word!"

"Well, what am I s'posed to do then?", the old man asked.

"What you do," the nurse softly told him, "is tell me its something else, like your ear. Then when you see the doctor, you tell him the real problem."

"Now I want you to go out the door, and come back in, and let's start over.", the nurse commanded.

So, the old gravel voiced, loudmouth, grumbly old guy went out, waited a few seconds, then came back into the doctor's office.

"I gotta see the doc!" he blurted out again, very insistently.

The nurse asked him "What seems to be the problem?"

"It's my d... EAR!" the old man said, loud enough that most folks in the waiting room could hear what he said.

"And what seems to be the matter with your ear, sir?", the nurse asked.

And the old guy said...... "I CAN'T PISS THROUGH IT!!!!"

[b4uqzme]

For you others old enough to remember...

What did Charlie McCarthy say when Edgar Bergen died?



.... Nothing.

[Bawanna]

Crap. I was gonna say "I shall return" while I toke on my corn cob pipe.

[CJB]

Did Mortimer Snerd put you up to that?

[b4uqzme]

Did Mortimer Snerd put you up to that?

Topo Gigio. :rolleyes:

[berettabone]

OOOOOOOHHHHHH EDDDDYYYYYYY(Ed Sullivan)

[Armybrat]

For you others old enough to remember...

What did Charlie McCarthy say when Edgar Bergen died?



.... Nothing.

My Dad got Edgar Bergen's autograph on his "Short Snorter" in 1942 (or '43) when he was with Bob Hope's first "overseas" USO tour up to Alaska. Dad was stationed originally at Fort Richardson, but then spent a good part of '42 & '43 in the Aleutian Campaign where the Hope group entertained them. The Hollywood troupe was snowed in for an extra week, so dad got to play some poker with a few of them in the officer's tents. There was Hope, Bergen, Jerry Colonna, Joe E. Brown, & Frances Langford as the headliners. Dad got all their autographs. Bergen also drew a doodle of Charlie McCarthy & Mortimer Snerd on a piece of paper for dad to send to my brother.

[berettabone]

It is hunting season............................................ ...........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM1suDu-G6k

[Armybrat]

Some Bob Hope one liners:

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only downhill.'

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR
HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.'

ON RECEIVING THE
CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

[GROTMAN]

It is hunting season............................................ ...........https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oM1suDu-G6k

This one had a beautiful rack, but couldn't quite make myself do him in..

http://i493.photobucket.com/albums/rr292/dave33-33/F2774451-1EEA-4B9B-BB16-D1336D861E77.png (http://s493.photobucket.com/user/dave33-33/media/F2774451-1EEA-4B9B-BB16-D1336D861E77.png.html)

[Bawanna]

That buck is a walkin sanctuary in my book. I couldn't do him either.

[b4uqzme]

What's a bigamist?



... a fog in Italy.

[muggsy]

How do you say that you're broke in Italian? Mafundsalow. How do you say that she's a virgin in German? Goesintite.

[CJB]

German for brassiere: Der stopzemfrumflopin

[b4uqzme]

where does the one legged waitress work? ... IHop.
what's her name? ... Eileen
there's also a Japanese waitress there. What's her name? ... Irene.
there's one final waitress with no legs at all ... Consuelo.

[b4uqzme]

How do you say that you're broke in Italian? Mafundsalow. How do you say that she's a virgin in German? Goesintite.

...comesoutloose

[kenemoore]

A man goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
After a wave of shock, she looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

[Armybrat]

http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/greek-men-may-think-they-invented-sex-but-it-was-italian-men-who-introduced-it-to-women--d2b25.png

[b4uqzme]

I was visiting my Grandpa for the holiday yesterday. Our chat was interrupted by a female voice down the hall crying "Super Pu$$y". Seems one of Grandpa's housemates was going from door to door, opening up her housecoat, baring what the good lord gave her so many years ago... and declaring "Super Pu$$y". On down the hallway she came, stopping at every door... "Super Pu$$y"! Finally she arrived at Grandpa's doorway... "Super Pu$$y"! Grandpa calmly replied: "I'll take the soup."

[wyntrout]

Ha! Some good ones... especially kenemoore's! :D

[kenemoore]

Softly spoken, with a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband, "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"
"No", said her husband.”;
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reach down in her cleavage, created by a soft, silky, push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"
"No, I haven't," he said with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, unzipped her skirt, letting it drop to the floor and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, becoming even more excited, to which she replied, "Go look in the garage."