December Laughs

[wyntrout]

The Doctor Told Her To Undress for Examination. But He Never Expected THIS Reply. Priceless.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal.

The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.


“Breast fed,” the woman replied.


“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did.


He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”


“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

:D

[kenemoore]

Good start for the month.

[340pd]

Winner of Chicago Tribune’s Best Tweet of the Week
“I'm very disappointed, I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant,​ but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."

[pineappleshooter]

How come if Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a sledgehammer it is "art" and "expressionism" but if I do it I am "sick" and "perverted" and "banned from Lowes"?

Sent from my SM-N900V using Tapatalk

[Bawanna]

Oh man I've so been there dude.....

Local dept store also frowned on me carrying on a conversation with their mannequins. I mean mannequins are people too, am I right? My kids were embarrassed too, just not right.

[berettabone]

You can converse with anything or anybody....................don't fondle the mannequins......................it could get iffy:)

[CJB]

Colonel....

There is a subtle difference between a conversation with a mannequin, and trying to see if they're busy after the store closes... just sayin'

[CJB]

Ya know.... speakin of thrown out of stores.

I was ALMOST tossed from Target in Deerfield Beach Florida, for wearing a "HeBrew the CHOSEN BEER" T-shirt.

http://www.shmaltzbrewing.com/HEBREW/home.html <==== product info

http://www.shmaltzbrewing.com/HEBREW/HIH/HIH.jpg

The jolly dark skinned security employee told me that "I gotta ask you to leave the store" when I was buying some bluejeans.

Asking why... it was the shirt. I went into N.Y.Jew mode (and there's nothing at all with that mode, just different from what we have here).

I made a commotion and asked why I was being singled out, didn't they like Jews in the store? What? Me? Why because I'm Jewish? Is that what Target is, anti Jew?

The 2nd floor manager came, said it was a mistake and gave me a $10 gift certificate for my trouble.

[wyntrout]

http://i.imgur.com/idA8wLL.jpg

[pineappleshooter]

Oh man I've so been there dude.....

Local dept store also frowned on me carrying on a conversation with their mannequins. I mean mannequins are people too, am I right? My kids were embarrassed too, just not right.
They are not real big on putting slinkies on the escalators either.

Sent from my SM-N900V using Tapatalk

[muggsy]

My wife knew that I needed glasses when I made a pass at a mannequin in the lingerie department at Penny's.

[muggsy]

Kids in the back seat can cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat can cause kids. :)

[downtownv]

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.



Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’.



Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.



‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’



He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.



He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.



‘Bi’ Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says.



He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.



He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’



He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.



The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’



Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody pissed. But how did you know?’





‘Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

[wyntrout]

Woman Makes A Huge Mistake In Church. This Is Perfect.

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward.


She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."


"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his 'skrotum' was completely crushed."
"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."


You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.


She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."
"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."




"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's 'skrotum' and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."


Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.


She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his 'skrotum' should recover completely."


All the men sighed with relief.


The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.


A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.


He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful wife, the word is 'sternum'."





Sorry... didn't proofread and realize that scr0tum was a censored word. :D

[CJB]

FROM THE NEWS......

Part of a news story, a collection of interviews of those who knew the Mohammedan Mass Murderer Malik (aka MMMM)

Dateline Dec 7th, 2015, Karachi, Pakistan


"The maid who works in the Multan home where Malik lived said that Malik initially wore a scarf that covered her head but not her face.
A year before she got married, she began wearing a scarf that covered all but her nose and eyes, the maid said. The maid spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of jeopardizing her employment with the family."

I guess they'll never figure out who gave that information.....

[GROTMAN]

Oh man I've so been there dude.....

Local dept store also frowned on me carrying on a conversation with their mannequins. I mean mannequins are people too, am I right? My kids were embarrassed too, just not right.

Thought you were a little off. At first... but now I totally "get it"

https://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/hotty.jpg?w=500 (https://thebsreport.wordpress.com/2009/09/23/that-mannequin-is-way-too-hot-iranian-police-warn-shopkeepers-about-using-curvy-mannequins/)
I know itxi, itxi Iknow..:o

[muggsy]

And then there's the one about the Chinese couple name Wong who had a black child. They named the child Sum Sing. Sum Sing Wong.:)

[Bawanna]

Thought you were a little off. At first... but now I totally "get it"

https://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/hotty.jpg?w=500 (https://thebsreport.wordpress.com/2009/09/23/that-mannequin-is-way-too-hot-iranian-police-warn-shopkeepers-about-using-curvy-mannequins/)
I know itxi, itxi Iknow..:o

That's my kind of mannequin, never seen one like that and that's probably a good thing.

[340pd]

Bill, wake up!

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

[wyntrout]

Here is A Morning LAUGH.At least WE can still laugh about it.

https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/12250102_1075056255859733_1273539603261367802_n.jp g?oh=ac6cdc581bea2fd4d2bd16c031d04d6b&oe=5722249A
(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1075056255859733&set=a.594972340534796.1073741826.100000661077346&type=3)




"What's your name?", asked the teacher.


"Mohammad," he replied.


"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.


" Mohammad returned home after school.


"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.


"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike”.


"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the sh!t out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the sh!t out of him again.


The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.

"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f@¢king Arabs."

[getsome]

A guy is in the airport bathroom taking a leak when all of the sudden a huge black dude busts in the door and runs to the urinal next to him and lets go with what sounds like a fire hose and after a deep sigh says, man I just made it....The first dude looks over and to his surprise sees it's Shaquille O'Neal standing there....He takes another look and says, How much you charge me to make one just like it except in white?......

[GROTMAN]

Don't know if this is a true story or not but if it is I love it ...

A middle school found itself faced with the problem of girls putting on lipstick and then pressing their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

The principal called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

[berettabone]

A precious little girl walks in to a pet shop, and asks with the cutest little lisp.........." Excuthe me mithter, do you carry widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeepers heart melts, he gets down on one knee and asks, " Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwoun wabbie, like over there?" She blushes, rocks back on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward, and says quietly, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

[ltxi]

Thought you were a little off. At first... but now I totally "get it"

https://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/hotty.jpg?w=500 (https://thebsreport.wordpress.com/2009/09/23/that-mannequin-is-way-too-hot-iranian-police-warn-shopkeepers-about-using-curvy-mannequins/)
I know itxi, itxi Iknow..:o

:)...

[340pd]

http://www.roadkilltshirts.com/Assets/ProductImages/PS_0954W_ALCOHOL_TALK.jpg

[Armybrat]

http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/12/18/61a6676093c951a67002c8d7660e6d3a.jpg

[muggsy]

Did you guys hear the one about the midget who had his pocket picked? I didn't think that anyone could stoop that low.

[muggsy]

Did you guys hear that Bawanna was almost fired from his job for the way that he answered a 911 call. The call was from an an Islamic terrorist who was depressed and was lying on the railroad tracks in order to commit suicide. Bawwana told him to remain calm and stay on the line.

[Bawanna]

Oooooh good one!

My usual 911 response is Huh?

[b4uqzme]

Muggsy I think it the term Midget is currently considered insensitive. But since we're on the subject, no one hates a fart in an elevator worse than a Midget.

[muggsy]

Did you hear the one about the 100 pound midget who had 50 pound balls? Why the little fokker was half nuts!

[CJB]

Read the NY Daily News today.

Local cheese factory exploded, nothin' left but da brie.

[GLOCKROCKER]

Here we go, one of my favorite Christmas jokes. I've been telling this one for at least forty years.

Santa went down the Chimney and started putting presents under the tree. He went to leave and noticed the most beautiful red headed woman laying there in her naughty nighties, She said "Santa do you wanna stay and play?" Santa shook his head and said, " HO HO HO Gotta GO GO GO and deliver my candy and toys", and up the chimney he went. Later that night he went down the chimney at another house and started putting presents out. All of a sudden this gorgeous brunette walks out in nothing but a tiny pair of bikini panties and said, "Hey Santa don't you want to stay and play?" Santa pulled at his beard and a little bead of sweat popped out on his forehead but he finally shook his head and said "HO HO HO Gotta GO GO GO and deliver my candy and toys", and up the chimney he went. Well it was getting close to the end of Santa's Christmas Eve journey when he went down the chimney at one of his last stops. He was putting out the presents under the tree when he heard a noise. He turned and looked and there was this drop dead bombshell of a blonde laying on the couch buck naked. She winked at ol' Santa and said, "hey Santa don't you want to stay and play?" Santa stood there for a minute, sweating bullets, tugging at his beard, and finally he said " HEY HEY HEY Gotta STAY STAY STAY cause I can't get up the chimney with my d!ck this way!:p

[kwh]

^ Glockrocker, Santa may leave coal in your stocking this year for telling on him.
Could not help but wonder if we found out more than we needed to know about Santa"s anatomy, or was it a narrow chimney?

[kenemoore]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two bestfriends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

[GROTMAN]

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

[Armybrat]

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

Sir, how do you like your chicken dinner prepared?

:D