January '16 Humor

[CJB]

My buddy in Tampa called me. He's close to Ybor City, and is worried about rising crime and youth violence. He asked me what to do for protection in his truck.

I told him, just go get a cheap 9mm, some clips and a box of shells, you'll be all set.

He sent me this:

~~~~~~~~~

Bro, I did like you asked, but I can't figure out how to assemble it. Help!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v214/bandersnatchreverb/MAIN/shells_zpsovmyzumu.jpg

[Bawanna]

That's absolute BS, that should have been assembled completely and properly before it left the factory and no box of shells I've ever heard of should require a 200 round break in.

Stuff should be good to go right out of the box. Send it back and they should pick up the shipping and provide a new pickup truck for the trouble.

[CJB]

Well, Col., first he yelled for help, but when I started to 'splain... he got all uppity, pulled the "retired gunsmith" card on me, and well... I had to just choose to ignore him for a while.

[Gun Doctor]

Here's an old chestnut that I still chuckle at:

An old lady got pulled over so the cop could tell her that her tail light was out. As per procedure, he asked for her license and registration. She also handed him her concealed carry permit. The young cop smiled as he looked at this tiny, elderly lady, and asked her if she was carrying a gun right now. She replied, "Darn right, Officer! I have a 9mm in my purse, a .357 in the glove box, another 9mm under the seat, and a 12 ga pump in the trunk." The cop rocked back on his heels and asked, "Good God lady, what are you afraid of?!" She smiled at him and answered, "Not a damn thing, officer!"

[muggsy]

Well, Old Muggsy has been banned from Walmart again. I just stopped by to pick up a couple of boxes of Winchester White Box 9mm on my way to the range. Things were going pretty well until I got to the check out. I paid for my purchase and as I was about to leave the check out girl smiled at me sweetly and said, "Have a good one." I smiled back and replied, "Honey, I have a good one. I'm just looking for a place to put it." The store manager was standing right behind me.

[Gun Doctor]

Timing is everything!

[getsome]

A New Year's Wish

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.....As the clock struck the bartender was almost crushed to death.

[getsome]

As an old geezer was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!"
”Heck”,said Herman,
"It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"............:2eek:

[340pd]

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall.....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said
"I've lost my grandpa"
The guard asked,
"What's his name?"
"grandpa" the boy answered.
The guard smiled and then asked "Whats he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied,

"Royal Crown whiskey and women with big t**s."

[GROTMAN]

Standard Hospital pricing
procedure

In the hospital the
relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay
gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and
somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said
as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one
at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very
risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but
you will have to pay for the BRAIN.'

The family members sat
silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much
will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly
responded, '$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's
brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats
actually had to 'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the
Republicans. A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out
the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the Democrat's brain so
much more than a Republican's brain?'

The doctor smiled at the
childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just
standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a
lot lower because they're used."

[GROTMAN]

My buddy in Tampa called me. He's close to Ybor City, and is worried about rising crime and youth violence. He asked me what to do for protection in his truck.

I told him, just go get a cheap 9mm, some clips and a box of shells, you'll be all set.

He sent me this:

~~~~~~~~~

Bro, I did like you asked, but I can't figure out how to assemble it. Help!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v214/bandersnatchreverb/MAIN/shells_zpsovmyzumu.jpg

I think the problem is that you should have told him MAGAZINES.. NOT CLIPS..:D

[dcollins5]

My buddy in Tampa called me. He's close to Ybor City, and is worried about rising crime and youth violence. He asked me what to do for protection in his truck.

I told him, just go get a cheap 9mm, some clips and a box of shells, you'll be all set.

He sent me this:

~~~~~~~~~

Bro, I did like you asked, but I can't figure out how to assemble it. Help!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v214/bandersnatchreverb/MAIN/shells_zpsovmyzumu.jpg

Bet he is a registered Democrat too...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[CJB]

This one is beyond description.... who IS this Fn broad?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSzMyuZ4rR4

[Armybrat]

My buddy in Tampa called me. He's close to Ybor City, and is worried about rising crime and youth violence. He asked me what to do for protection in his truck.

I told him, just go get a cheap 9mm, some clips and a box of shells, you'll be all set.

He sent me this:

~~~~~~~~~

Bro, I did like you asked, but I can't figure out how to assemble it. Help!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v214/bandersnatchreverb/MAIN/shells_zpsovmyzumu.jpg

How's Neptune's customer service?

[Armybrat]

Well, Old Muggsy has been banned from Walmart again. I just stopped by to pick up a couple of boxes of Winchester White Box 9mm on my way to the range. Things were going pretty well until I got to the check out. I paid for my purchase and as I was about to leave the check out girl smiled at me sweetly and said, "Have a good one." I smiled back and replied, "Honey, I have a good one. I'm just looking for a place to put it." The store manager was standing right behind me.

I'll bet you were in the quick line too.

[muggsy]

I'll bet you were in the quick line too.

Cash only.

[jpshaw]

This one is beyond description.... who IS this Fn broad?

I don't believe that's a broad.

[jeepster09]

Gotta quit drinking...

[Planedude]

Gotta quit drinking...

Nope... Seems like you've been drinking about the right amount. That Shiite is just plane funny.

[Armybrat]

http://www.texasguntalk.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=37357&d=1452439999

[Baklash]

This one is beyond description.... who IS this Fn broad?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSzMyuZ4rR4

I believe she is a he. Last name is Jenner.

[wyntrout]

Man Negotiates W/ a A Banker: ‘$20,000 Today & I Will Let You HAVE MY WIFE For 1 NIGHT & SHE IS VERY ADVENTUROUS” …
A man and a woman walk into a bank and ask to see the manager.
They are ushered in and the manager, despite his professionalism, can hardly keep his eyes off the bulging Cleavage and perfect curves of the woman.
“Mr Wilson” says the man, “I have an investment proposition that needs $20,000. I presume, as I bank here, that will be no problem?”
Smugly the bank manager replies, “In banking, one should never assume Sir. I will need to ask a few questions and run a few checks.”
“Here’s the deal.” says the man, leaning forward. “No questions. No checks. $20,000 today and I will let you have my wife for one night and one night only to do whatever you want. And she is very.. adventurous.”
Once again Mr Wilson mentally undresses the woman, licks his lips, loosens his tie and becomes flustered. After a few moments he buzzes in his secretary and they draw up the paperwork. He arranges to bring the money to the executive suite of the Radisson hotel at 7 o’clock that evening.

At ten to seven, Mr Wilson nervously enters the hotel lobby and takes the lift to the 17th floor. He knocks shyly on the door of the suite and it is answered by the woman in a low cut short red dress and heels.
“Mr Wilson” she purrs. “Have you got the money?”
The bank manager shakily hands her an envelope.
She smiles. “Then come in.”
He follows the woman into the room and stops in shock. Lying on the bed is a hideously ugly woman in faded grey underwear eating a pie. At least 250 pounds, she lies in a provocative pose showing unshaven armpits and bikini line.
The man is sitting in an armchair with a glass of Scotch.
“What’s this?!” stutters the bank manager.
“My wife” says the man. “In banking, Mr Wilson, one should never assume.”

[CJB]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXtBZPONSCc

[wyntrout]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xat1/v/t1.0-9/12115790_1242497362443753_6871569535572105084_n.jp g?oh=a8de7d2d8ba89c03f91d4a193803e26c&oe=5749C996

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtp1/v/t1.0-9/12219333_1242406232452866_8960191448015696078_n.jp g?oh=62c356852b015c0a0bdb8a74f30df86d&oe=56FB8005

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/11225997_1242405869119569_474249807834174739_n.jpg ?oh=0a044c30c609e9ea2710abdd4b2a2777&oe=573DFCFF

[kenemoore]

^^Nice

[RevRay]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXtBZPONSCc

Are those for real ... or staged? If they're for real then the human race is doomed!

[CJB]

Are those for real ... or staged? If they're for real then the human race is doomed!

I believe that is what's commonly called a "Bag Lady". Or, maybe not. Reminds me of my pal Barbara. She does crazy assed stuff like that all the time, but she's sane, serious, and prosperous.

[berettabone]

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153730215689866&set=a.10150257903499866.345387.739944865&type=3&theater

[berettabone]

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtl1/v/t1.0-9/10170997_778562725501273_1794228738716920580_n.jpg ?oh=c9690321d96ac0a7cbf481b455fd1402&oe=5737C0ED

[berettabone]

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfa1/v/l/t1.0-9/11902305_10153576209043343_5793076052525653039_n.j pg?oh=b7606ef1c27017d508a1f0e10c749fbc&oe=572E1D28

[GROTMAN]

Myrtle beach is taking this coming winter storm pretty seriously... has its snow plow primed and ready..
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/78/ed/ea/78edeae4fff16846bc8852db5ca6c223.jpg (https://www.pinterest.com/pin/510103095264809765/)

[berettabone]

Urkel is plowing now???????????????????????

[CJB]

Is that a Yugo... WTFFFFF

[wyntrout]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.



George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"



She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"



While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"



So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.



After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"



"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."



It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[Bawanna]

OH man! I didn't see that one a comin. You got me square on that one.

[wyntrout]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.


---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.



There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.



"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."



''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?"



...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."



....I love these touching stories !!!

:D

[Armybrat]

http://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfl1/v/t1.0-9/12321233_10153565878995756_7242482651735178046_n.j pg?oh=06d4306e97045bdefe374632e9730c28&oe=5737B2AC

[Dbholfo]

Positively correct. Well said.

[GROTMAN]

Good Smart Ass Answers The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2015!!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'


SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2015!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[GROTMAN]

Pic of the new Bawannamobile.. :D
http://i.imgur.com/Xbjm2HM.jpg

[Alfonse]

Pic of the new Bawannamobile.. :D
http://i.imgur.com/Xbjm2HM.jpg

I hope he will share it, that looks like big fun.

[Dbholfo]

Looks underpowered. But mobile, especially in the winter.😀

[Bawanna]

I could surely use something like that at times. Looks like quite the rig.