Mark Twain Quotes

[Harrylee]

Mark Twain Quotes

If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper, you are misinformed.

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.

[muggsy]

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. Mark Twain

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. Mark Twain

[GROTMAN]

Forgive me Harrylee, if you feel like I'm stepping on your thread I'll delete them. These aren't exactly Mark Twain quotes but thought I'd add them in..

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the best of this twisted crop:

...Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

[downtownv]

Nice Job Boys, these are all good!

[Harrylee]

GROTMAN all is good bring them on

[Baklash]

I will have to paraphrase, but Mark Twain also said, "If you take all the economists in the world and lay them end to end they will all point in different directions."

[Harrylee]

They did not know it was impossible, so they did it!

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

There ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

Some men worship rank, some worship heroes, some worship power, some worship God, and over these ideals they dispute and cannot unite -- but they all worship money.

[Planedude]

A few of my favorites.

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man".

"Sacred cows make the best hamburger".

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first".

"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way".

"The trouble with the world is not that people know too little, but that they know so many things that ain't so".

The fact that so many of Twains quotes still resonate truthfully in our current times has always shown me how close they hit to the true human center we all share. I once used the "sacred cows" quote with a middle 20's engineer who busted a gut laughing, then whipped out his iPhone and started typing it in to "save that one". I was thinking how different he was from any young engineer living in the era when Twain made that quote. My guy was smoother, hipper, way more tech savvy and just plain "smarter" about the world around him, than Twains guy... (just ask him, he'd confirm)

But they both understood and busted a gut laughing at the same quote. They both understood the basic human truth of what Twain was saying. I remember thinking that morning how humans adapt to the times in which they live, learn to use the tech those times provide, but humans never have changed the most basic true center of who we all are.

Peace