May humor

[GROTMAN]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday & the priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said: "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said: "I got to be honest with ya Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said: "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat.What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied: "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I Decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said:
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, hey?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

[getsome]

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[getsome]

If a man is alone in the forest, without any women, is he still wrong?

Can't take credit for that one as I was bored and looking at posts from back in 2009-2010...Found some great stuff way back there including this from an old friend:


The people of KahrTalk



I have visited numerous forums over the last couple of years and while all of them were helpful,I have yet to find one as unique as this one.Not one of them,including GlockTalk, has members who are so product savvy that they can tell of the actual manufacturing process of their favorite firearm.
I`ve never felt as at home on any forum as I do here and it`s because of you,the people.You will not find a warmer,more friendly or more eager to help group anywhere.I have been going through a rough time with sickness in my family since I joined KahrTalk back in September and this forum has helped me by giving me the opportunity to get away from the sadness of watching loved ones go downhill and zoom in on some fun things for a while.I thank you all.
In the short time since its` inception,this forum has grown nicely and in the future,will be a model to which others can aspire.JohnH and company have done a remarkable job [I can`t believe they have let me get away with some of my B.S.] and deserve to be commended.We have something special indeed here,and I am grateful to the forum for keeping me informed and to all of you for being the good people that you are. Best,Dietrich

[Bawanna]

Good ole Dietrich. They broke the mold after making him.

I still miss him.

[kenemoore]

Sorry to hear about your rough times. I love talking Kahrs, with anyone that appears to be listening or not asleep.

[wyntrout]

I miss Dietrich, too, and run across his posts when searching for stuff.

I miss several other people who drifted away as well.

I'm not quite as active as I once was, but this is still my favorite chatroom, and I try to share stuff as I run across funny things... usually on Facebook, or from my buddy.

It's too bad that we don't have a "like" button here.

Wynn :)

[340pd]

My wife is pissed off with me again.
I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper.
No sense of humor.

[Bills1873]

Looked up Dietrich and found the "Dear Dietrich" thread. Read through many posts, laughed so hard I cried! Hope he is well.

[Bawanna]

Dietrich passed away a couple years back. It was a rough time for all of us as we all rode along during his illness.

He was a genuinely hilarious guy and could turn a perfectly lousy day into something good.

I spoke with his wife Helen a few times after his passing but sadly have lost track.

[Bills1873]

Thank you for the information, Bawanna. I'm saddened, and didn't even know him. He will live on through good memories and things like his posts.

[Bawanna]

We're all saddened. Funny thing about this forum. An awful lot of very good friends we'd walk through flames to help out that we've never even met.
I had no clue what Dietrich even looked like until just prior to his passing. I couldn't have picked him out of a line up.
I was about as depressed and saddened as I was when my own father passed, I think even more so. He was a good guy.

He lived as far out on the East coast as you can get, I live nearly as far on the west coast and I offered to drive to his place for a visit, help out, cheer him up, pull his chain, and I meant it. Several others here did the same.

Just one example there. There are many others.

Good group of people, a nationwide network to help each other out. What could be better than that.........

[Bills1873]

Nothing could be better than that. My short time here has easily led to that conclusion.

[Harrylee]

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, "St. Louis."

"Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis."

"I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."


The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[CJB]

4. All balls itch

[Bills1873]

5. When it's improper to scratch them.

[Bawanna]

Always in search of a good time, during several of our quarterly department training session where everyone is stuff into a too small training room most of the day, I have about a dozen officers on my cell phone.
I'll text them all at the same time during a serious or boring time, usually the same thing and just text "My ball itch".

Usually they can't help but bust out laughing and the chief or whoever is flapping their gums wonders how they suddenly became so entertaining.

[getsome]

A lady calls a contractor To come to her house to paint inside...She walks him through the kitchen and says she would like it painted a nice bright sunny yellow so he says ok and writes in down on a pad then walks to the front door and yells out, Green side up!!!...She then takes him to the living room and says she would like it painted a flat eggshell white so he goes ok and walks back to the front door and yells, Green side up!!!....The lady walks him to the den and says she would like it painted light beige so he writes that down and goes to the front door and yells, Green side up!!!...The lady is getting curious about it but walks him to the bed room and says she wants it painted baby blue so he writes that down and again goes to. The door and this time really yells out, GREEN SIDE UP DAMN IT!!!...Now the lady had to know what was going on and asked the guy why every time she told him something about what color she wanted he yelled out the door, Green side up?....The contractor apologized and said that he had a crew of blondes working on a job across the street laying fescue sod...

[GROTMAN]

I've heard of appendix carry but not sure what you would call this..
http://i1227.photobucket.com/albums/ee424/imthinkinrbs/i-dont-think-it-works-like-that-40-photos-31_zpsraqyc7g2.jpg

[gb6491]

That boy needs some help:eek:
http://i64.tinypic.com/5mh6e1.gif

[Armybrat]

Nah, that's called CBC - Colon Blow Carry.

Just showed that pic to some fellows on a Texas sports board - one guy captioned it thusly:

SOB.

Small of butt carry.

[GROTMAN]

http://i.imgur.com/GfQWIZx.jpg

[Bills1873]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13789&stc=1

[gb6491]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryLjQ8yQMxQ

[wyntrout]

http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb2.jpg (http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb2.jpg)

http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb3.jpg (http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb3.jpg)
http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb4.jpg (http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb4.jpg)
http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb5.jpg (http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb5.jpg)
http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb6.jpg (http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb6.jpg)
http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb7.jpg (http://2v7fdhblamx236owi3dpih4l.wpengine.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/gb7.jpg)

[Bobshouse]

I'd save him too, throw him some rocks to help him float.

[jeepster09]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[jeepster09]

A woman from Austin, who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter, purchased several acres of Hill Country land, near Lake Travis, Texas. There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl. It attacked her! In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground. The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor, 35 minutes away. She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and how she came to receive all of the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience. He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help. The impatient patient sat, and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long"

He smiled and said, "Well, I had to get permits from US Environmental Service, the Texas Parks and Wildlife and Keep Texas Beautiful before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."


!! GOD BLESS TEXAS !!

[jeepster09]

*The Hotel Bill*


*An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th
birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel.*

*When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a
bill for $250.00.*

*She demanded to know why the charge was so high.*

*"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250.00 for
just an overnight stay!*

*I didn't even have breakfast."*

*The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', and
breakfast had been included had she wanted it.*

*She insisted on speaking to the Manager.*

*The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:*

*"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre
which are available for use."*

*"But I didn't use them," she said.*

*''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.*

*He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the
in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.*

*"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,"
the Manager said.*

*"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.*

*"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.*

*No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I
didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard
response.*

*After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still
unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.*

*The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam,
this check is for $50.00."*

*"That's correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," shereplied.*

*"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.*

*"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have....."

[jeepster09]

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/5wj-1zcYWHk?rel=0

[jeepster09]

A gynecologist had become so fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork he burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become an auto mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, “I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. This equaled an A.”

After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.”

[kenemoore]

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup.
>>
>> Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive.
>>
>> I wanted to sense that new truck "feel" before they become old.
>>
>> The salesperson (a nice looking, black lady wearing a "Hillary for President" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next to me, describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.
>>
>> The seats were of particular interest.
>>
>> She explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
>>
>> Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
>>
>> Looking a bit angry, she asked why I thought it was a Republican truck.
>>
>> I explained that if it were a Hillary truck, the seats would just blow smoke up your ass year-round.
>>
>> I had to walk back to the dealership.
>>
>> She had no sense of humor.

[Bills1873]

That is sooo good!

[wyntrout]

Kid Asks Grandma Why She Doesn’t Have A Boyfriend. But What Followed Is Gold. A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?”


Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”



Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.



The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood grandma’s minister.
The minister said, “Hello, Son, is your grandma home?”



The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”



The minister fainted.

[GROTMAN]

I learned a little bit about science today. It's called the Chaos Theory.

In Chaos Theory, the "butterfly effect" is the name given to the sensitive
connection between initial conditions in which an insignificant event in one
state in non-linear systems, can result in sometimes catastrophic events in
the universal state.

In other words, although unlikely, it is possible for a butterfly flapping
its wings in Texas to cause a typhoon in the Japanese Sea.

Case in point, in mid-20th Century America, a loose 18-year-old hippie female
in a Honolulu college had sex with an older, alcoholic Kenyan man on a
student visa, who had a wife and child back in Africa. And this less than
significant event started the collapse and dissolution of the United States
of America.

[Bawanna]

Amen!

[Bills1873]

Sorry, but that's not humorous. It's sad!

[CJB]

The story IS sad.... the humorous part was that Grotman pretended to learn something!:D

[GROTMAN]

The story IS sad.... the humorous part was that Grotman pretended to learn something!:D

I Learned 2 somethings... Thanks to you I now know the name of the woman who played the wicked witch of the west. :D

[GROTMAN]

Sorry, but that's not humorous. It's sad!

The "result" may not be humorous and even sad...but I found "some humor" in the way it "explained" how the Chaos Theory worked.

[Bills1873]

As did I. I realized that, just had to say. LOL

[kenemoore]

A man got stopped by a Game Warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

[DavidWJ]

Outstanding! ;-)

[GROTMAN]

Not exactly humor but didn't know where else to put it. Apparently Trump's wife posed for this some years ago..
https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/dLyUjMTj0toHRPnhFBsfbQ--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjtzbT0xO3c9NjIwO2g9NjkxO2lsPX BsYW5l/http://41.media.tumblr.com/410e9305730c83d7d11782b3cc8674f4/tumblr_inline_o3dpeimvsQ1t4foom_1280.jpg (https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&ved=0ahUKEwiw7uDctPvMAhVIRSYKHWTqCLUQjRwIBw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.yahoo.com%2Fstyle%2Fg-strings-caped-coats-melania-213943578.html&psig=AFQjCNGZKO_Mhog0T59-kOhZdEnsGsT1rA&ust=1464478205274870&cad=rjt)

[GROTMAN]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.



After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, ‘You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers. He’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.’



Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. ‘Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.’





'Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division. I have researched the history of...’



At that point, the colonel interrupted, ‘Yes, yes. Never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fxxk off.’

[Armybrat]

Not exactly humor but didn't know where else to put it. Apparently Trump's wife posed for this some years ago..
https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/dLyUjMTj0toHRPnhFBsfbQ--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjtzbT0xO3c9NjIwO2g9NjkxO2lsPX BsYW5l/http://41.media.tumblr.com/410e9305730c83d7d11782b3cc8674f4/tumblr_inline_o3dpeimvsQ1t4foom_1280.jpg (https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&ved=0ahUKEwiw7uDctPvMAhVIRSYKHWTqCLUQjRwIBw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.yahoo.com%2Fstyle%2Fg-strings-caped-coats-melania-213943578.html&psig=AFQjCNGZKO_Mhog0T59-kOhZdEnsGsT1rA&ust=1464478205274870&cad=rjt)
Now THAT'S a First Lady I could get behind!

[Armybrat]

http://i.giphy.com/UGFsNJAAEZ2dW.gif

[ltxi]

Not exactly humor but didn't know where else to put it. Apparently Trump's wife posed for this some years ago..
https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/dLyUjMTj0toHRPnhFBsfbQ--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjtzbT0xO3c9NjIwO2g9NjkxO2lsPX BsYW5l/http://41.media.tumblr.com/410e9305730c83d7d11782b3cc8674f4/tumblr_inline_o3dpeimvsQ1t4foom_1280.jpg (https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&ved=0ahUKEwiw7uDctPvMAhVIRSYKHWTqCLUQjRwIBw&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.yahoo.com%2Fstyle%2Fg-strings-caped-coats-melania-213943578.html&psig=AFQjCNGZKO_Mhog0T59-kOhZdEnsGsT1rA&ust=1464478205274870&cad=rjt)

boobs are too big

[340pd]

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.


One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his cars for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you should consider selling your cars and your gun collection."

Tom gets a horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"

Tom's reply: "I wasn't".

[Bobshouse]

boobs are too big

Otherwise known as "Miss Plastic". Boobs, lips, liposuction, the works...the only thing original is her man hands.

[b4uqzme]

Otherwise known as "Miss Plastic". Boobs, lips, liposuction, the works...the only thing original is her man hands.

= income redistribution. :rolleyes:

[GROTMAN]

Otherwise known as "Miss Plastic". Boobs, lips, liposuction, the works...the only thing original is her man hands.

A little like the pot calling the kettle black eh?:D
Hey it's true, I ordered myself a bottle got it yesterday and finished it off last night. Took this pic of myself this morning!

Thanks for the link!

Bob

http://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=OIP.M5b74420088f8d32f8427eb40d5e6adc7o0&w=300&h=300&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0&r=0

[Bobshouse]

What? I ain't got no man hands!!! Your just jealous cause Im all natural! You saving that pic tells me that your really liking me, want more pics? Here's one, sorry no water.

http://tse1.mm.bing.net/th?&id=OIP.Mc6a1aa888360e3604ed2647cf9b7b706o0&w=252&h=167&c=0&pid=1.9&rs=0&p=0&r=0

[Bobshouse]

Oh, sorry I snapped Grotman...its that time of month.





Bills due....you dirty old man!