June Jokes & Humor

[kenemoore]

Honesty from the Pulpit
Last Saturday afternoon, in Washington, DC an aide to Mrs. Hillary Clinton visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral in Washington. He told the Cardinal that Mrs Clinton would be attending the next mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Mrs Clinton to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Hillary a saint.
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Mrs. Clinton's views. Clinton's aide then said, "Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Mrs. Clinton as a saint." The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Clinton's aide promised, Clinton appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Mrs Hillary Clinton was present. The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, "While Mrs. Clinton presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other issues. Hillary Clinton is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nit-wit. Hillary Clinton is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say, Hillary Clinton is the worst example of a Christian I have ever personally witnessed. She is a narcissist and is using her speaking ability to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her obligations, both In Washington and everywhere . The women is simply not to be trusted."
The Cardinal concluded, "But, when compared with Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton is a Saint."

[340pd]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, ' Don 't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

[kenemoore]

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm and a good sh*t.
A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time!

[GROTMAN]

Sooo, I got the newest gun cleaning kit out there. Will let you all know how well it/they work..



http://i.imgur.com/gNKSnhl.jpg

[kwh]

^^^^Just when you think you have seen everything, Grotman comes along.

[wyntrout]

Wow! Here's a new idea for a car:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0KtnWtajUVwcEtabVZlaDhTMW8/view
(https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0KtnWtajUVwcEtabVZlaDhTMW8/view)
Wynn :D

[AJBert]

Wow! Here's a new idea for a car:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0KtnWtajUVwcEtabVZlaDhTMW8/view
(https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0KtnWtajUVwcEtabVZlaDhTMW8/view)
Wynn :D

Sorry, couldn't watch it because I've never liked what's her name since that show with what's his name. She just irks me.

[berettabone]

Sorry, couldn't watch it because I've never liked what's her name since that show with what's his name. She just irks me.
Friggen libs.......................

[wyntrout]

It's a pretty good parody on electric cars. :)

[ltxi]

Well damn. It was a parody??

[wyntrout]

Yeah, it would be a b!tch to keep a car running that needed 9,648 AA batteries at a time! :D

[Planedude]

Wow! Here's a new idea for a car:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0KtnWtajUVwcEtabVZlaDhTMW8/view
(https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0KtnWtajUVwcEtabVZlaDhTMW8/view)
Wynn :D

Funny bit, just not as total insane as it sounds.

"The Buckeye Bullitt" did 321mph on the salt flats using a 400hp motor turned by 10,000 C cell batteries...

[wyntrout]

That's much better than the speed for the electric Mercedes.

[OldLincoln]

http://www.glocktalk.com/attachments/ship-jpg.286142/

[GROTMAN]

Something new for appendix carry ?
http://i.imgur.com/bceGjMR.jpg

[kenemoore]

"Is that a gun in you pants, or are you just excited to see me?"

[wyntrout]

Subj: Donald & Hillary Go Ice Fishing to Settle the Election -

THIS SAYS IT ALL ABOUT THE UPCOMING ELECTION.


How do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call?
With an ice fishing contest, of course!

After the first round of votes were counted, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were dead locked. Instead of going through a recount, the two agreed to a week-longice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.

The candidates decided a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds, but both candidates would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5pm.

After Day 1,Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing.

Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing!

That night, Hillary and her cronies got together and accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheating’ son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day 3, they were just going to follow Trump to spy on him and figure out how he was cheating.

Day 3 finished up and Trump had an incredible day, adding 50 fish to his total!

That night, Hillary and her democratic buddies got together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Hillary stood up to give her report and said, “You are not going to believe this, he’s cutting holes in the ice!”

And that, my friends, tells you all you need to know about the intelligence on the left side of the aisle!

[Bills1873]

Wyn, that was good!

[GROTMAN]

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated.

All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress
wearing a very short
skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom,
then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again. "What
would you like, sir?"

Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a
quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across
the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think
it's pronounced 'quiche'."

[kwh]

Grotman does it again^^^

[Bawanna]

Based on the description, I want the quickie.

[kenemoore]

Based on the description, I want the quickie.

^^Me Too!^^

[Armybrat]

http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160618/442c5a7494e89b538de682eda6ba8eb4.jpg

[Bills1873]

Not funny, but sad.

[Armybrat]

Not funny, but sad.

Yeah, you are correct.

[Ikeo74]

Funny bit, just not as total insane as it sounds.

"The Buckeye Bullitt" did 321mph on the salt flats using a 400hp motor turned by 10,000 C cell batteries...
Note: The batteries went dead at the 2 mile marker.........Just kidding.:cool:

[wyntrout]

Subject: This Is A Wonderful Employment Opportunity For
Seniors!!!!



BE A PECKER CHECKER?


There are important questions to be answered about this LGBT bathroom
legislation and transgenders being able to use a restroom of the
gender that they "identify" with.


Will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station
posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?


Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers and Vaginal Badgers, the
people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?


And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?


Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked by
each Pecker Checker?


How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could
check peckers?


And will women be able to wear a Vaginal Badge that certifies their
gender so they may bypass repeated inspections by the Vaginal Badgers?


What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to
create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service
Inspectors?


Want to guess their motto...........???


"If you gotta pee - We gotta see!"

[Armybrat]

The ever vigilant granddog Toby just daring any bad guy to break in my granddaughter's house...

http://images.yuku.com/image/jpeg/7d8351fe4fa0d82d124dbeeb0841de2ba3f8522.jpg

[wyntrout]

I hope this works... wanted to share this... made my eyes water!

https://www.facebook.com/domonic.mongello/videos/456525203944/

Wynn :-D

[Bills1873]

Funny stuff there Wynn!!!!!

[CJB]

That was a pisser!

[ltxi]

Funny stuff there Wynn!!!!!

Aye..That's great!

[wyntrout]

No matter what your job is,

you should always try to make it more interesting...

[Alfonse]

I must be sick, because that is funny!

[GROTMAN]

http://i.imgur.com/m0KNzmJ.gif

[Bills1873]

Grotman, that IS disturbing! Lol

[kenemoore]

Grotman is worthy of special attention.

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13529128_1024376747675954_8936208079327841495_n.pn g?oh=4b7fdefe9faadb6dc6cab9deefb155ba&oe=57F3C968

[Armybrat]

Sounds like Jocko.

[wyntrout]

This is funny:

http://www.iizcat.com/post/3795/Naked-man-bends-over-to-fix-sink-and-playful-kitten-decides-to-ruin-his-life

Wynn http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7990&stc=1&d=1363707220

[340pd]

Fearing a Trump Presidency, Rosie O'Donnell was spotted off the coast of
Malibu Beach this morning starting her long migration to Canada.

https://web.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=872566&part=1.2.2

[Bawanna]

Man I can't see the picture. Just a little box with an X. The possibilities are large.

I'm visually seeing a whale, or a fat goose?

[Armybrat]

Man I can't see the picture. Just a little box with an X. The possibilities are large.

I'm visually seeing a whale, or a fat goose?

Maybe we really don't need a working picture of that scene, do we? :p

[kenemoore]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=13935&stc=1

[Bawanna]

I was very very much afraid this would happen. I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Gives a whole new meaning to Free Willy..............

Almost made it through a Friday too. The agony of defeat.

[getsome]

Unfortunately there are some things you just can't unsee and that's one of them....