August's altogether awkward attempts at humor

[CJB]

Call me sick..... But Ive been handing out depleted gift cards to the professional "homeless" panhandlers.

My goal is to get a reaction when I give the same guy a second card a week or so later.

Sick. I know.

[JohnR]

I like it.

Give them gift cards to fancy restaurants they'll never be allowed near.

[Bills1873]

Yep, sick, but somewhat humorous!

[wyntrout]

The U.S. Navy is going to build a ship with Obama's name on it:

http://www.duffelblog.com/2016/08/navy-build-uss-thanks-obama-deployment-every-disaster/?utm_campaign=coschedule&utm_source=facebook_page&utm_medium=Duffel%20Blog&utm_content=Navy%20to%20build%20USS%20Thanks%20Oba ma%20for%20deployment%20to%20every%20disaster

http://www.duffelblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/07/solar-lcs-1000x600.jpg

[JohnR]

It's sister ship is the USS Solyndra.

[deadeye]

F18's gonna have a heck of a time with that flight deck.

[getsome]

It runs on hot air, only turns left and at the first sign of trouble heads for port....

[b4uqzme]

^^^ is that a basketball court on the aft deck?

[Bawanna]

Looks like a basketball court to me.

[berettabone]

Shuffleboard????????????????

[Bobshouse]

It's obvious nobody has seen a tennis court before. Do you actually think that Naval Officers would lower themselves to playing shuffleboard? Whats really impressive is the 9 hole golf course below deck!

[Bawanna]

Good point!

[GROTMAN]

It's obvious nobody has seen a tennis court before. Do you actually think that Naval Officers would lower themselves to playing shuffleboard? Whats really impressive is the 9 hole golf course below deck!
Agree with the tennis court. Also below deck is the room where Hillary does her yoga..:puke:
Russia released one of Hillary's yoga emails

http://i.imgur.com/OQ6hvVj.jpg

[Bawanna]

You know what just happened a little bit in my mouth.

[downtownv]

That She Blows!


http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14018&stc=1

[ltxi]

You know what just happened a little bit in my mouth.

Why? It's not like she wasn't wearing that thong.

[Barth]

If I comment of this thread I could be banned - LOL!
Not feeling sheepish today...

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13592548_1440717339288699_716944762570772234_n.jpg ?oh=a040d4f47b9dfff5128d2fee3d8536ca&oe=5828A692

[b4uqzme]

^^^ best one yet Wynn!!!!

[wyntrout]

For you bike riders:

https://www.facebook.com/212396012495302/videos/215697798831790/ (https://www.facebook.com/212396012495302/videos/215697798831790/)

[DavidWJ]

Many of us don't do facebook. Can you post the jokes?

[wyntrout]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street
.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!

[CJB]

Truer words never spoken.

[downtownv]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...




For example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.



As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

[yqtszhj]

The U.S. Navy is going to build a ship with Obama's name on it.



Also known as "The Good Ship Lollipop "

[wyntrout]

http://www.worthytoshare.com/wp-content/uploads/1e2aaac7ff5060717df21e66130779b2.600x.jpg

[DavidWJ]

Diamonds in the ROUGH... ;-)

[GROTMAN]

One Testicle There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day,

Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, and made love to her all night, and he made love to her all the next day, ... made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!










Why ???










OH, come on... Take a guess !!!










Think about it !!!

















Everyone knows..




You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone !!!

[340pd]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?

'What's that? I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'

We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

[Armybrat]

Hey sonny, I'm waiting for the punchline.... :p

[wyntrout]

A Man Was Given One Wish From God But Not Even He Could Grant It.A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”


The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”



The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic… think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.”



The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing’s wrong,’ and how I can make this woman truly happy.”



The Lord replied, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[Bawanna]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.


A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."


Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.


The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you!"



While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."


They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.


She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."


He slips both of his hands under her BRA and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each one of her... He gently pinches them as well. He pushes her assets together and rubs them against each other.


After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her assets, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible! How could you tell??"

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[GROTMAN]

Mario & Maria they come to the United States
They were so proud to be here

After about 6 months Maria - she starts to worry about her husband
He has been acting odd since they got here

She asks ... Mario! Are you okay? Are happy here?

Mario says with a BIG SMILE
Yes mi amore! I love this wonderful land It's so wonderful

a few more weeks go by and Maria - she is still worried about her Mario
and makes an appointment for him with a doctor and takes him there.

When the doctor enters the exam room
Maria asks the doctor to speak with her privately
so they step off into the outer office

Doctors asks ... What can I do for you Maria
and she explains to the doctor

My Mario - there is something the matter with him since we come here to America

Doctor asks: Whats the matter Maria

She explains to the doctor
My Mario - he is always blowing his nose but nothing is coming out

Doctor replies Perhaps he has an allergy

to which Maria says
But Doctor ... that's not all
Since we been here he won't take a bath.
In six months he never took a bath one time

Doctor replies with a suggestion to have Mario see his associate in the Psychiatric department

to which Maria says ... BUT DOCTOR that is not the worst of it

She goes on to say
When we make love he forbids me to get on top any more ... and he used to love that a lot

After she said that he says ... well I will talk with him and see whats the problem here


They go back into the room with Mario and the doctor says: Mario how are you doing since you came to the country?

With a big smile he replies
Doing great! I love this beautiful country!

Doctor then says Mario your wife says you changed
You blow your nose all the time.
Are you feeling sick?

Mario said No Doctor - I feel great!

Doctor then says Mario your wife says you don't bathe any more
are you sure you are okay?


With a big smile he replies
I am happy and fine here! I love this beautiful country!

Doctor then says Mario your wife says you don't make love like you used to do
She says you don't allow her to get on top
What's going on?

Mario ... he tells the doctor

I love this country and before we come here my family they tell me 3 things

1) You ALWAYS keep you nose clean
2) You never put your ass in hot water
3) NEVER EVER F*** Up!

[Bawanna]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "

[yqtszhj]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!

Irish cop says, "License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please"

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Irish cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living **** out of the lawyer and says, "Daeye want me to stop or just slow down? "

Now thats funny

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13920968_838599812938012_7858667740631234221_n.jpg ?oh=88aa6957623b79150c0de04d54b2ab19&oe=584B1ADA

[wyntrout]

Subject: Repairing the downspout








"Honey, get off your rear and fix that gutter downspout! And, I want it done before the end of the day!"




Well, as you all know, at my age, my friend, and most of our friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"



So, I invited some of my neighborhood buddies over to help with the project.



One is a sheet metal fabricator.



One brought his welder.



One brought beer and Nachos.



One brought a grill and burgers.



Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.



As usual, the wife is still not happy!!




Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!



Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.






http://slay.me/wp-content/uploads/Downspout.jpg (https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__slay.me_wp-2Dcontent_uploads_Downspout.jpg&d=CwMFaQ&c=_2JymsjkoSdpgdT4DmA4bg&r=_AMYrXVwuolnRRVeknH4WJbucW3h_fbuMaJJFNZ_66E&m=ncLPdPn7cJ9Sqz5cLRREa3d_AQBbf9sqYvXQ3rrfNfw&s=406ix9Dpt0t19cFkkFno3zllxRJ2xDNzNjCQaOk8bgE&e=)

[kenemoore]

Love IT !:D

[CJB]

.....But Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man, that he didn't, didn't already have.....

[GROTMAN]

hillary and Trump both go into a doughnut shop. Hillary says, "Watch this. I'll show you how to get doughnuts without paying for them. She manages to put three doughnuts in her purse without anyone noticing. She says, "See? THAT'S how it's done..."

Trump says, "I can show you a better way to get three doughnuts, and I won't have to steal anything."

He says to the owner, "Give me a doughnut and I'll show you a magic trick. The owner gives him a doughnut, which he promptly eats.

He says to the owner, "Give me another doughnut for the magic trick." The owner gives him another doughnut, which he also promptly eats.

He says again to the owner, "I need one more doughnut to show you the magic trick." Reluctantly, the owner gives him another doughnut, which he again promptly eats.

The owner says, "So where's the magic? All I've seen so far is you eating three of my doughnuts!"

Trump says, "Look in hillary's purse

[Bills1873]

Great one Grot!

[GROTMAN]

Looks like Granny's in trouble again..

http://i1225.photobucket.com/albums/ee387/gwdaddio/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zpsnhx4pigm.jpeg (http://s1225.photobucket.com/user/gwdaddio/media/Mobile%20Uploads/image_zpsnhx4pigm.jpeg.html)

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13924898_1061684813945147_5282731120308453421_n.jp g?oh=42b230e2b089991bc0edb1dd8f920db9&oe=5846F26C

[CJB]

Trump's watching Olympics. He wants to see how high Mexicans can pole vault!

[GROTMAN]

Trump's watching Olympics. He wants to see how high Mexicans can pole vault!

Mexico won't win many medals in track and field or swimming since most of their best jumpers, runners and swimmers are in the US already.:rolleyes:

[OldLincoln]

The obituary was for New Orleans firefighter William Ziegler, 69, and it was truly hysterical, yet it also serves its purpose in letting people know what he was like when he was alive.

You can read the full obituary here:

William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69. We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.

He leaves behind four children, five grandchildren, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.

William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn’t much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war.

Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts. Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman.

After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired.

Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).

[wyntrout]

That's a cool obit! :D

[ltxi]

William Ziegler sounds like my kinda guy and his family is definitely my kind of folk!

[Bills1873]

Very honorable obit! Thanks for sharing!

[GROTMAN]

As Paul Harvey would say "here's the rest of the story"..

William Ziegler escaped this mortal realm on Friday, July 29, 2016 at the age of 69.

We think he did it on purpose to avoid having to make a decision in the pending presidential election.

He leaves behind four children, five grandchildren, and the potted meat industry, for which he was an unofficial spokesman until dietary restrictions forced him to eat real food.

William volunteered for service in the United States Navy at the ripe old age of 17 and immediately realized he didn’t much enjoy being bossed around. He only stuck it out for one war.

Before his discharge, however, the government exchanged numerous ribbons and medals for various honorable acts.

Upon his return to the City of New Orleans in 1971, thinking it best to keep an eye on him, government officials hired William as a fireman.

After twenty-five years, he suddenly realized that running away from burning buildings made more sense than running toward them. He promptly retired.

Looking back, William stated that there was no better group of morons and mental patients than those he had the privilege of serving with (except Bob, he never liked you, Bob).

Following his wishes, there will not be a service, but wellwishers are encouraged to write a note of farewell on a Schaefer Light beer can and drink it in his honor.

He was never one for sentiment or religiosity, but he wanted you to know that if he owes you a beer, and if you can find him in Heaven, he will gladly allow you to buy him another.

He can likely be found forwarding tasteless internet jokes (check your spam folder, but don’t open these at work). Expect to find an alcoholic dog named Judge passed out at his feet. Unlike previous times, this is not a ploy to avoid creditors or old girlfriends. He assures us that he is gone. He will be greatly missed.

[dustnchips]

I wasn't sure if I should put this in here or start a new thread in Politics

I was in line at the grocery and saw a National Enquirer headline. (it must be true) Hillary has gained 103 pounds and she is eating herself to death. I propose that all gun owners start sending her cupcakes and other delectable to help her along.

[wyntrout]

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"


The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"


The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.


Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"


"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

:D

[Armybrat]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/b4/92/ec/b492ecc66c898ac1e2faf1792069d254.jpg

[340pd]

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.”

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one..
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?”

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"..

[GROTMAN]

55th High School Reunion He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class
reunions in the past without fail.

This 55th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation
he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me,
did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

P.S

Sorry if this was posted before.. if it was I forgot..:rolleyes:

[ltxi]

^ Excellent...and for me, timely.

This year was my 55th HS reunion. I didn't go. Couldn't remember where it was.

[yqtszhj]

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail

As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.”

The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.”

Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one..
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.

The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, "What did you do with the pastries?”

Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"..




Now that's funny.

[DavidWJ]

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/b4/92/ec/b492ecc66c898ac1e2faf1792069d254.jpg
Awesome! The single man's bed. Let sleeping dogs lay where they want...

[GROTMAN]

Well why not..works so well other places..:rolleyes:

http://i.imgur.com/bQVRVCM.jpg

[wyntrout]

Two Men Lose Their Wives in the Market. The Older Man’s Suggestion?Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide.


The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”



The young guy says, “That’s okay, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”



The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”



“Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a tank top with short white shorts. What does your wife look like?”



The old guy replies, “It doesn’t matter, let’s look for yours.”

:D

[CJB]

I just find this odd. Southwest flight 3472 lost an engine between NOLA and Orlando.

That's sort of rare, but this is the odd part, from the news story:

"Flight 3472 from New Orleans diverted the airplane to Pensacola, Florida, after the pilot detected something had gone wrong with an engine, according to a Southwest statement."

Considering there are now pictures all over the 'net showing the engine, minus its front third, taken by the passengers on that flight.... you really think "the pilot detecting something had gone wrong"? Seriously? Like the cabin crew wasn't beatin' the cockpit door down while parts were being torn off? Anyway, its front turbine gone, engine locked up solid. Nothin' but dead drag on the airplane.

The pictures:

http://a57.foxnews.com/images.foxnews.com/content/fox-news/us/2016/08/27/florida-bound-southwest-flight-diverted-by-engine-problem/_jcr_content/par/featured-media/media-0.img.jpg/876/493/1472334605501.jpg?ve=1&tl=1 (http://a57.foxnews.com/images.foxnews.com/content/fox-news/us/2016/08/27/florida-bound-southwest-flight-diverted-by-engine-problem/_jcr_content/par/featured-media/media-0.img.jpg/876/493/1472334605501.jpg?ve=1&tl=1)

http://a57.foxnews.com/images.foxnews.com/content/fox-news/us/2016/08/27/florida-bound-southwest-flight-diverted-by-engine-problem/_jcr_content/article-text/article-par-6/images/image.img.jpg/880/558/1472334707118.jpg?ve=1&tl=1

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cq4v4kJUkAA9JVy.jpg:large

https://si.wsj.net/public/resources/images/BN-PP032_SOUTHW_P_20160827160936.jpg (http://a57.foxnews.com/images.foxnews.com/content/fox-news/us/2016/08/27/florida-bound-southwest-flight-diverted-by-engine-problem/_jcr_content/article-text/article-par-6/images/image.img.jpg/880/558/1472334707118.jpg?ve=1&tl=1)

One of the stories:

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2016/08/27/florida-bound-southwest-flight-diverted-by-engine-problem.html

[Planedude]

Yeah, That was quite the understatement for a failure that dramatic...

The hole that was punched into the fuselage (in the baggage hold) and the associated cabin depressurization was the real danger. They were lucky to be so low when it let go. If that had happened at cruise altitude, it could have collapsed the floor and jammed the flight controls.

Fun facts for frequent flyers...

As it happened, It was a "safe" failure and no one was ever in danger of crashing. This is now just a good story for the grandkids.

[ltxi]

Us'ns who've spent a lotta time in the air tend to be given to understatement. Witness the (^) term "safe failure" fer a deal like this.

Way back in the day when I was first learning to fly, in a T41, I asked my IP a stupid question...."What happens if we hit a bird?" Simple answer...."Then we die." An "Ahh, got it." moment that was.

[wyntrout]

I guess that the heading including "awkward attempts at humor" left the thread wide open here, but not seeing any humor! :D :behindsofa:

[jeepster09]

I took Jocko to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is somewhere around 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. Jocko kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing Jocko, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[jeepster09]

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

[jeepster09]

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please - just one more time before I die ?' She says, 'Of course, dear.' And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey , I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could....?'

At this point the wife rolls over and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning..

......you don't...'

[jeepster09]

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go ...
-———
Ate salad for dinner … Mostly croutons & tomatoes ... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... And cheese ... FINE, it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza …
----------
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
----------
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...
----------
I don't mean to brag but … I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes ...
-----------
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it ...
-------------
Kids today don't know how easy they have it ... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel ...
-------------
Senility has been a smooth transition for me ...
-------------
Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
-------------
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this ...
-------------
I love being over 50. I learn something new every day … and forget 5 others.
-------------
A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him ...
--------------
My dentist told me I need a crown. I said, “You bet, pour mine over the rocks”!
--------------
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day ...
-------------


"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed."

__________________

[jeepster09]

NO SEX Since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."


The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

[Bills1873]

Gotta love your jokes! You outdid yourself,good ones!

[wyntrout]

Ha! Ha! That's more like it! Thanks, definitely some funny ones. :D

[Planedude]

I guess that the heading including "awkward attempts at humor" left the thread wide open here, but not seeing any humor! :D :behindsofa:

Okay, some real aircraft humor...

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way. The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

[jeepster09]

8 words with two meanings....
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.


5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.


6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.


7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.


8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[jeepster09]

Okay, some real aircraft humor...

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her the seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way. The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

Some more...
The skydiving instructor was going through the question and answer period with his new students when one of them asked
the usual question always asked:
"If our chute doesn't open; and the reserve doesn't open, how long would we have till we hit the ground?"
The jump master looked at him and in perfect
deadpan answered: "The rest of your life".

[Planedude]

One more. I grew up a Air Force brat, my father was a SAC bomber mechanic. Back in those days (before GPS) they all flew with honest to god navigators. I was a very young Lad when I first heard this one, but it stuck with me all these years.

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before
you will."

I still hear the belly laughs after all these years.

[wyntrout]

http://i0.wp.com/www.bookwormroom.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Gender-bathrooms.jpg?zoom=2&resize=720,499
http://i0.wp.com/www.bookwormroom.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Guns-conservatives-not-violent-or-destructive.png?zoom=2&resize=500,363
http://i0.wp.com/www.bookwormroom.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Stupid-liberals-take-offense-at-everything.png?zoom=2&resize=500,539

[wyntrout]

Subject: For the Boys Only

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......
my wife manages to get on every danged one of them.
————————————————————————————
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant...
It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
————————————————————————————
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my c@¢k.
————————————————————————————
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional –
I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my d!ck tastes funny”
————————————————————————————

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic b!tch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
————————————————————————————

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video”
————————————————————————————
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform
but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her rear sore.

[wyntrout]

Air Force Entrance Exam . .

When I was young I decided to go to Medical School.

At the entrance exam we were asked to rearrange the letters PNEIS and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who said SPINE are doctors today.

The rest of us went to flight school…..

[wyntrout]

http://i.litcdn.com/sv/elmo.png

[wyntrout]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom , The TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14055123_1372621292778272_3764681501561749113_n.jp g?oh=915416a41bf833a1ffd2d1a390d8671a&oe=584CA6D8

[DavidWJ]

OMG, the last two LOLOLOLOLOL

[wyntrout]

A young Arkansan boy goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.


"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"



"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"


"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."


So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.


About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.


"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.


"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"


"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"


"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."


The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him. So she has him shoot the dog.


When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"


"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".


"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"


The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"


"I sure did, Dad!"


"That's my boy!"


The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States , and you already know what a lying b!tch his girlfriend turned out to be.

[Bills1873]

That's funny as hell! Could even be true! HAHAHA!!!!

[CPTKILLER]

:) :) :)

[wyntrout]

On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:


"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.


Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."


She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.


Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"


At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired:


"How much for a season pass?”