September's satirical silliness

[Bills1873]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14116&stc=1

[wyntrout]

Technique Is Everything!





When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.


Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

Here she said, pointing between her legs, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

[wyntrout]

This Man’s Wife Wouldn’t Let Him Go With His Friends. Then He Does This.Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for many years.

A few days before the group’s annual departure date, John’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. John’s fishing buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?



Two days later the three get to the camping site to find John sitting there with his tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, drinking a cold beer.



“Heck John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”



“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my recliner when my wife came up behind me, put her hands over my eyes, and asked, "Guess who?”‘ I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into the bedroom, where she’d lit candles and put rose petals all over the place. Well, she’s been reading ’50 Shades of Grey’….



On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.



And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’



So, boys, here I am!

[Bills1873]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So, did you jump?" his father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the Sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men just got up and walked out of the plane!"

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the Sergeant I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Not then. He tried to push me out, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally, he called over the Jump Master, who is a great big guy about six-five and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said 'No, Sir, I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his manhood out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your arse."

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first."

[CJB]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14116&stc=1

Way to go PonyGirl!

[CJB]

And then she said, ‘Do whatever you want.’




That, Sir, is a life lesson if there ever was one!

[Bills1873]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy, and a priest were out for an afternoon flight on a small plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they better jump, then bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes left. The doctor grabbed one saying "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father, the 'smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my backpack!"

[Bawanna]

Oh my I love that one to pieces.

Sorry O'Dell nothing personal.

[CJB]

Two visitors to NYC from Russia spent almost all their money fooling around and were down to their last five dollars.
Sergei says to Yuri, "Only five bucks left and I still want to have fun and enjoy. What can we do?"
Yuri takes the $5 into a drug store and comes out a minute later, smiling smugly.
"What you buy?"
Yuri proudly shows Sergei a small box of tampons.
"Tampons! What we do with that?"
"Aha!" answers Yuri. "Look at box: I can ride bicycle, I can go swimming, I can play tennis..."http://forums.qrz.com/styles/default/xenforo/clear.png

[lee1000]

"An open letter to my wife - a Gun Owning Husband Tells All”



It's time to come clean.

Ok. I've got few things to get off my chest regarding marriage and
firearms.

Honey, I've been purchasing guns behind your back for the last 20 years.

The reason that I've never thrown out that rusty toolbox in the basement
isn't really because I can't get a few guys to help me move it, the
truth is its a safe and loaded with desiccant and pistols.

That pile of odd bits of wood and tinder next to my workshop is actually
scrap wood sitting on a crate of Mosins I got on sale.

The box labeled 'Deere Mower Parts #xxxxx' on it in the garage...is
filled with revolvers and a 1903 Springfield.

Even though you've managed to fit a globe on that stand in the living
room, its really the tripod for a 1919a4.

The ladder to the Attic does work, I just didn't want you and the kids
in the reloading room.

Despite coming home each year with a winning shotgun from a local
raffle...there have been no raffles, I still have the worst luck on the
planet, but man if I don't get lucky with some great deals!

That cricket training rifle I got for the kids for $50 at a yard sale is
actually a custom Remington 700 worth near $2,000.

I've been dishonest about my revolvers as well when I tell you its the
same gun whenever you catch me in the house with one. Honey, please
don't be pissed, but there are actually over 90.

When I told you I had a stamp collection in the downstairs safe, I
wasn't being dishonest, the reason you can't go into that safe has
nothing to do with a faulty lock, it's because that safe is filled to
the iron seams with NFA items.

That 'Well Drilling Cessation' tool and drill set is actually a Barrett
821A.

The giant pipe that sits between our cars, has nothing to do with the
time or expense needed to replace the sewer line; its a Dutch Bronze
Field Cannon. The hay wagon for the kids is actually the base for the
cart.

Those metal balls are not the base for a rock wall but are instead the
shot balls for the cannon.

Those rods on the second workbench are not for a pipe organ project,
they are rifle barrels.

The ammo cans in the basement are actually....filled with ammo.

The hallway closet door hasn't been stuck, the door was keyed with the
lock cylinder at the baseboard. Its the ammo closet.

Home Depot doesn't really sell sets of odd sized pipe cleaners, you've
been using my shotgun and pistol cleaning brushes.

That antique candy dispenser that I'm to restore is actually a reloading
press.

I haven't really had a hankering for Jello or Gelatin, I've been making
ballistics gel.

Bird watching monoculars...yeah....I'm on my 5th spotting scope.

Thanks for putting up with the misshapen sculptures I've been working
on. The art work is horrid, but the bullet casting process is now down
to a science.

This one is a win/win because we got cable and the outdoor life network
channel, but the reason the den used to get horrid reception was because
those weren't rabbit ears atop the tv set, it was my chronograph.

You can stop calling James trying to figure out how or why we took a hit
on the commodities market earlier last year, the commodities were brass
and I brought a hell of a lot of it.

I know you are wondering with my bad knees how I plan on getting into
Badminton, one more confession: Those are shotgun wads.

I've never actually attended a Regional Sales conference each January,
I've been at the SHOT Show...its a support group. Honest.

[getsome]

Welcome to the club lee1000 I like your style!.....good one!!!.....By the way, if it doesn't work out with the wife, I'm always available......

[wyntrout]

Sniffer Dog


A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog".

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[GROTMAN]

http://i.imgur.com/DNKTtfz.jpg

[kenemoore]

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of grass sod turf.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[kenemoore]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[Bills1873]

On my way to get some breakfast today and came up on this! Damn cyclists, took me an hour to get around them!http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14140&stc=1

[340pd]

A recent CNN poll asked 1,000 female DNC delegates if they would sleep with Bill Clinton.


38% said Yes;



62% said, Never again!

[DavidWJ]

I just don't get liberals. They have no morality or standards, yet they want you to do what they say and do.

[jeepster09]

Men Are Just Happier People--
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt..
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons..
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[jeepster09]

After his Helicopter was hit and he was forced to autorotate , the Army pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only an ARMY Helicopter pilot, but also one of an Elite group of people, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your t!tt$, then?"

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

[jeepster09]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? '

'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her .

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
'I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.'

*********************************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

---------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------
Some people
try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why' I look this way..
I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

-------------------------------

One of the many things no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change from being young.

<><X><><X><><X><><X><>
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable..

<><><><><><><><><>

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

---------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*********************
Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder,
and, Your hand over my mouth

[jeepster09]

My plan....

[jeepster09]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba,
Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition.
Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they
attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up
real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it, but it
was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside.

'Cooter'

[jeepster09]

When you're over 60 who cares?
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind’a cute. You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen."

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah.. She's purty good lookin'....."

Cost me a busted tooth... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Cost me a fat lip... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I was telling a woman in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try."

After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

Cost me a kick in the nuts... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

*****************************

I went to a bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

"Good legs!" I said! The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! … Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me another 6 stitches... But, when you’re over sixty; who cares?

[jeepster09]

How to wash a toilet

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

[Bawanna]

Jeepster my friend, your on a roll this evening. Made my whole day.

[CPTKILLER]

Some are funny and some are quite dumb.

[Bawanna]

Which ones dumb, I just gotta know ya know?

[wyntrout]

Just saw this on facebook:




Today I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl.

In exchange for that I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleanser to my friends.

Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong willpower... Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

[wyntrout]

I'll try to post this in the best readable way, but it's amazing... A bada$$ mule!


https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/6e/10/b9/6e10b993873748ed42b30e7cec3decd9.jpg

[AJBert]

Cool story and pics! I wonder if old No. 7 ever did anything like that?

[wyntrout]

If my mount did something like that, I would certainly treat it with the greatest respect! That's just unbelievable... but they got photos!! A video would have been a real moneymaker!

[wyntrout]

I Googled bada$$ mule and found this:

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/mulelion.asp

[Armybrat]

What, the news ain't accurate?

http://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cst3zbIUsAAAxq9.jpg

[GROTMAN]

http://i.imgur.com/81t42uU.gif

[wyntrout]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7990&stc=1&d=1363707220

[wyntrout]

Political cartoons of these days.--Lots of good ones !






http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/sbr091316dAPC20160913014514.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/kn091316dAPR20160913024527.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/bg091316dAPR20160913014524.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/bg091216dAPC20160911074521.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/kn091216dAPR20160912064515.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/cb091216dAPC20160912114525.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/payn_c14462120160910120100.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/payn_c14461920160909120100.jpg

[wyntrout]

http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/gv090916dAPR20160909014528.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/sk090916dAPR20160908074513.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/cb090916dAPC20160909074528.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/lb160909c20160908082248.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/aria_c14452520160908120100.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/81_18456820160909120732.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/sk090816dAPR20160908094519.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/gv090816dAPR20160908054524.jpg

[wyntrout]

http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/mrz090816dAPR20160909054521.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/gv090716dAPR20160907034521.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/mrz090716dAPR20160908014513.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/tmdsu16090720160908115700.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/gmc14450220160906111200.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/lb160907cd20160906084421.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/payn_c14444220160906120100.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/gv090516dAPR20160902084753.jpg

[wyntrout]

I had to break these up... 8 images to a post. I hope they amuse you! :D

http://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/sbr090416dAPR20160901024518.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/gv090416dAPR20160906024515.jpghttp://media.townhall.com/Townhall/Car/b/payn_c14438820160903120100.jpg

[CJB]

Can't help but think, she put the "runt" in the word crunt. Jus' sayin'

[b4uqzme]

The Pope was invited for a ride on Trump's yacht.
At some point, a gust of wind blew the Pope's vestments overboard.
Trump halted the ship and walked out across the water to retrieve the garments.
Walking back across the water and boarding the boat, Trump asked his staff to have everything cleaned and returned to it's owner.

The next day's CNN headline: "Trump can't swim."

[GROTMAN]

Not funny because unfortunately its true...
http://i.imgur.com/fw2WuU1.jpg

[AIRret]

GROTMAN……..++++++ absoutely TRUE!! How SAD!