Obdurate observations or oblations on October's occurrence!

[wyntrout]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.







Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments ask for help to rebuild.





The rest of the world is in shock Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.



Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance

Latin American countries are sending clothing



New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crop



The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure



Canada is sending medical teams and supplies



The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

[ltxi]

now dat's funny

[wyntrout]

You've probably seen this one... not new, but kind of the way things are!


https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s480x480/13690720_10154993782698356_7523311807688491386_n.j pg?oh=012a0dae726cfdfe0e99652a449d1d6c&oe=5875232C

(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10154993782698356&set=a.10150176504863356.361458.715723355&type=3)



A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.



The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”



The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”



The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”



The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump."



The journalist leaves.



The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”

And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!

Yep!

[kenemoore]

Sad but so true.

[jeepster09]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman! You don't need him anymore! You're running for President of the United States. Act like one.

[jeepster09]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electricity went out.


The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

[Dbholfo]

Wyntrout:
Our local NBC station did a decent report on Sheriff Clarke restraining a drunk and disorderly man on the flight after being verbally abused for much of the two hour flight. The local newspaper headline & report made it seem like it was the sheriff's fault. Amazing.

[jeepster09]

the virgin bride
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,

"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?"

"That one was a DEMOCRAT", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

[jeepster09]

I had a few at the pub the other night when I overheard three hefty women talking at the bar....

Their accent sounded Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily responded, "It's Wales, Wales you bleedin idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

[jeepster09]

Signs ...
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place."

**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
" Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
Miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
In a Veterinarian's
waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************
In a Restaurant window:
" Don't stand there and be hungry;
Come on in and get fed up."

**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************
At a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[wyntrout]

Doctor Says He Can Transfer Wife’s Labor Pain to Husband But Husband Feels Nothing

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.


The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.



The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.



When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[340pd]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14166&stc=1

[340pd]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14167&stc=1

[dustnchips]

When Trump unfortunately looses the election he has plans to write a book with Bill Cosby titled "How to get Women" The foreword will be by Bill Clinton.

[CJB]

Well, ya know I got kicked out of Harbor Freight. Well, I was in Publix today to get a quick sandwhich (one of their ready mades) as I had nada time, it was 2:30 and I had to be at a customers by 3:30. The BIG RED BUS was there for a blood drive. I got accosted by some old fart that made my old ass look young.

"You're gonna give blood today, isn't that right young man?"

"Sorry no time"

"Won't take no time at all, only 10 minutes, and we'll put you next in line in front of this fellow." There was another patron sitting down, waiting his turn to bleed. I got handed a clip board with a form.

"You know, I'm HIV Positive, does that matter?"

The guy waiting was about three feet from me on a patio chair they set up. He bolted like Jazbo Jones from a Klan rally.

The old old fart gave me a stare that could scare the ugly off Nancy Pelosi.

I just smiled and got my turkey wrap.

[ltxi]

Whut is it about you that attracts these peeples?

[CJB]

Just lucky I guess!

When I'm sore, and tired, and really just want to crawl into a hole, and get approached by folks with no clue, I just have zero patience, zero tolerance, and zero compassion.

Or perhaps another way of looking at it: I can't shoot 'em, but I can still let 'em have it with both barrels!

[berettabone]

I don't know if it's true with you, but that's why they have the saying, " Don't F with old people, they don't give a s#!t anymore." I am at that stage of life, and I never bother a soul...............................:o

[CJB]

Yah. They bother ME!!!!!!

[jeepster09]

My cat studders
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. `Human beings are the only animals that stutter`, she says. A little girl raises her hand. `I had a kitty-cat who stuttered`, she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
`Well`, she began, `I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
`That must`ve been scary`, said the teacher.
`It sure was`, said the little girl. `My kitty raised his back, went `Fffff, Fffff, Fffff`..And before he could say `F***`, the rottweiler ate him!!!

[jeepster09]

karma!
Fred and Larry got married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[Bobshouse]

My cat studders
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. `Human beings are the only animals that stutter`, she says. A little girl raises her hand. `I had a kitty-cat who stuttered`, she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
`Well`, she began, `I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
`That must`ve been scary`, said the teacher.
`It sure was`, said the little girl. `My kitty raised his back, went `Fffff, Fffff, Fffff`..And before he could say `F***`, the rottweiler ate him!!!

For some reason, that one hit the funny bone - hard. Thanks for the laugh!!

[GROTMAN]

+ 1. Laughed out loud. Sounds as if could have been little Johnny's sister.:D

[jeepster09]

The bakery
Hillary and Donald go into a bakery.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t see anything and I don’t even need to lie. I will definitely win the election.”
The Donald says to Hilary, That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says,” Give me a pastry. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and eats that, too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks,” What did you do with the pastries?”
Trump replies, “Look in Hillary’s pocket”.

[jeepster09]

Best Dog Story Ever...
Hillary Clinton called Bill Clinton into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2016!"

"Great Hillary, but how?" asked Bill. "We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman , Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"

"Yes we are!" said Hillary, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Bill suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, Walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, Shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, In came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, Lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head And left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, Lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Hillary asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two a$$holes!"

[jeepster09]

What's your daddy do for a living?
Fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

The typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, car salesman... and so forth....

Little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off most of his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside.

"Is that really true about your father? “No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is trying to get Hillary elected, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids." :amflag:

[jeepster09]

Real Friendship
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
But never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.



1. When you are sad --
I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue --
I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile --
I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared --
I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried --
I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused --
I will use little words.

7. When you are sick --
Stay the hell away from me until you are well Again.
I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall --
I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end.
"Why?" you may ask;

"because you are my friend".



Friendship is like peeing your pants,
everyone can see it,
But only you can feel the true warmth.

Thanks for being the pee in my pants

Send this to 10 of your closest friends,

Then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

[kenemoore]

I purchased a burger-combo at Burger King for $4.58. The counter girl took my $5 bill as I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2016
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

[AIRret]

+++++++1,000000

[wyntrout]

A funny one:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0O_VYcsIk8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0O_VYcsIk8

I especially liked the "broccoli is what my food eats."

Wynn :D

[jeepster09]

Hmmmm should I be parking here? Thankfully I was a customer! :w00t:

[downtownv]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.

The new American President, Donald Trump, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

We can only hope, vote and pray for a President Trump