December Humor

[340pd]

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.

The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."

He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace?

I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.

"Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

[AIRret]

Only a person in Texas could think of this:
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'

"I doubt it", said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

[CPTKILLER]

Funny.

[ltxi]

Dat good!

[kenemoore]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.
The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

[jeepster09]

His and Her Diary's
HER DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at
a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk.
He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong he said
'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he
wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I
love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and
absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress,
and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts
were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid

[DavidWJ]

That's funny! Classic difference between men and women!

[Bills1873]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14302&stc=1

[kwh]

My hound dog drove my Dad's car into a store front plate glass window. Unlike the above I did not get a picture.

[Bills1873]

No cell phones back then probably. Hound dog driving, ha!

[jeepster09]

A man steps on the elevator at the third floor, and once inside a beautiful young blond woman excitedly says, "T G I F!" The man immediately responds straight faced with, "S H I T". The blond, determined not to get pissed, repeats her remark with the same enthusiasm as before, and the man responds again in the same manner as he did. This goes back and forth until the slow elevator finally arrives at the main floor. By then, the blond has become exasperated to the point of saying, "T G I F stands for Thank God It`s Friday!" As the man steps off the elevator he replies, "S H I T stands for `Sorry Honey It`s Thursday".....http://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_munching.gif

[jeepster09]

WARNING! SCAM ALERT! Be on the lookout for this new scam targeting males. The perpetrators are hanging out around Wal-Mart parking lots. When you are putting your groceries away they ask you for a ride to McDonald's.They are very convincing. Once in your car one takes her clothes off and starts climbing all over you, and while she keeps you busy, the other one takes your wallet. I've had mine taken on the 12th, 14th, 15th and twice yesterday and probably two more times tomorrow. Wal-Mart has wallets for $2.99,but I found some at the Dollar Store for .99¢ so I bought all they had. These evil harlets not only take your wallet, but you never even make it to McDonald's so I've already lost 10lbs. Keep a lookout for them. ( I find lunch time and around 5:30 are the best times)

[jeepster09]

A VERY IMPORTANT alert from the CDC
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[Armybrat]

A Visit From Saint Hillary

(Apologies to Clement Moore and also to that other dude Not Clement Moore who totally wrote the original)

'Twas Inaugural Eve, when all through the land
Not a creature was stirring, not woman nor man
The bunting was hung by the platform with care
In hopes that the President soon would be there

Adult babies were nestled all snug in their safe spots
While visions of peppermint lattes danced through their thoughts
And mamma in her kerchief, and I in my bare feet
Had just settled on the couch to write up some Tweets

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the couch to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the designer window treatments and threw up the sash

The moon on the crest of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of midday to objects below
When what should my wondering eyeballs now view
But a nondescript van with a medical crew

With a little old lady so wrinkled with sag
I knew in a moment she must be The Hag
More rapid than eagles her minions they came
And she cackled, and wheezed, and called them by name

"Now Weiner! McAuliffe! Podesta and Mills!
On Huma! Palmieri! On Chelsea and Bill!
To the top of the platform on the Washington Mall
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
So up to the Capitol her minions they flew
With the van full of medication, and Saint Hillary too

And then, in a twinkling, I heard a guffaw
The grasping and clinging of each grubby paw
As I drew in my head, set for taking my lumps
Down the stairway St. Hillary came with a thump

She was dressed in polyester, from her head to her foot
And her clothes were all draped like a baggy Mao suit
An enemies list she had stashed in her pants
And she looked like a homeless guy starting a rant

Her eyes-how they wandered! Gone wild with strabismus!
She kept sticking her nose into everyone's business
Her droll little mouth was drawn back in a sneer
And the chin whiskers bleached, until they were clear

A bottle of vodka was clutched in her fist
And the vapors encircled her head like a mist
She had a harsh laugh and a fake Southern drawl
She warn't no ways tahrred, in spite of it all

She was chubby and plump, a right nasty old elf
And I laughed when I saw her, in spite of myself
A three-hundred-sixty degree twist of her head
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work
Emptied everyone's stockings; called me "Deplorable jerk!"
Then mashing the throttle right down to the floor
Her Hoveround rose up the stairway once more

She lurched toward her van, her team gave her a boost
And away they all flew like the down of a goose
But they heard me exclaim, ere they drove out of sight-

"Happy Christmas to all! She's not President tonight!"

[jeepster09]

A Christmas story
One Christmas day 3 guys died, an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman. All of a sudden they find themselves standing at the pearly gates of heaven when Saint Peter appears. He tells the newcomers that because it's Christmas they must do something in the spirit of Christmas to be allowed in to heaven that day. The Irishman quickly reaches into his pocket and pulls out a ring of keys. He quickly dangles them in front of Saint Peter's face and rattles them around. Perplexed, Saint Peter says, 'What's all this about?' The Irishman says, "Well, these keys represent jingle bells and I'm ringing them loud and clear." St. Peter thinking this is very clever invites him into heaven.
Not to be outdone, the Scotsman pulls out a cigarette lighter and flicks a flame holding it up above his head. St. Peter confused, asks what all this represents? The Scotsman quickly says, "This lighter represents the guiding star and is meant to illuminate the way." Sure enough St. Pete is impressed and he too is invited in.
Now it's the Englishman's turn and quick as a flash he pulls a pair of women's bikini underwear from his pocket then waves them around in St. Peter's face. Shocked and confused, St. Peter says, ok I give up, what's the meaning of this, whereupon the Englishman says, "Oh these? These are Carols...."

[Armybrat]

^^^ - Had to chuckle on that one!

[Armybrat]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=iCom3oIoygQ

[jeepster09]

Good one!

[Armybrat]

I like this version of the "coexist" bumper sticker:

http://ep.yimg.com/ay/yhst-50863389838911/preorder-coexist-bumper-sticker-8.gif

[GROTMAN]

Me too !!! Especially when there are others that think a more this way :(:mad:

http://i.imgur.com/FbIqSze.jpg

[gb6491]

http://i63.tinypic.com/2n9aq81.jpg

[GROTMAN]

Not sure if I should post this here or the other firearms section...:001_huh:

children http://www.phun.org/newspics/funny_friday_8/12910.jpg

[jeepster09]

As a follow up to that....

[340pd]

I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered Burger King serves breakfast until 11:00.

[jeepster09]

http://i691.photobucket.com/albums/vv276/jeepster09/390650_2229942193530_1397109809_31986129_758505398 _n.jpg (http://s691.photobucket.com/user/jeepster09/media/390650_2229942193530_1397109809_31986129_758505398 _n.jpg.html)

[berettabone]

Not sure if I should post this here or the other firearms section...:001_huh:

children http://www.phun.org/newspics/funny_friday_8/12910.jpg WTF????????? He/she should use it on himself/herself.........

[berettabone]

A guy walks in to a bar, and orders himself up a drink. He's just about to take a sip when from the end of the bar, " I screwed the hell out of your mother last night." The guy, not wanting a confrontation, takes a sip of his drink. 30 seconds later. " I screwed your mother good, and she's got nice t!ts." Trying really hard to ignore this person, he gulps his drink. Then, " I poured the coals to your mother, and she liked it." Finally, the guy couldn't take it any more. " Dad, go home, your drunk."