January's JOKOlerity!!!

[AIRret]

The old man placed an order for one
hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and
carefully cut it in half, placing one
half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French
fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly
placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his
wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them. As he began to eat
his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them were looking over and
whispering.

Obviously they were thinking,
'That poor old couple – all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young
man came to the table and politely
offered to buy another meal for the old
couple. The old man said, they were just
fine – they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old
lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching

Her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink...

Again, the young man came over and
begged them to let him buy another meal
for them. This time the old woman said
'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his
face neatly with the napkin, the young man
again came over to the little old lady who had
yet to eat a single bite of food and asked
'What is it you are waiting for?'



She answered

(Continue below - This is great)













'THE TEETH!'



OK FOLKS…THERE'S "GOT" TO BE SOME…SILLINESS/FUN/CRAZINESS…../BS COME ON…..GIVE IT UP!
WE ARE HAPPY, FOLKS, WE HAVE GUN RIGHTS FOR A FEW MORE YEARS!!!!!

LET'S NOT SKIP THE JOKES……I KNOW I LOVE TO READ THEM!!!!

[Bawanna]

Awww jokularity, a favorite phrase of William Christopher (Father Mulcahy on MASH) May he rest in peace.

One hour a day I truly look forward to 2 episodes all of which I've no doubt seen at least 4 times but still enjoy immensely.

Only bad thing about weekends, no MASH.

I'll try to think of a joke, I like em too, just not good at remembering them.

Kind of a serious guy I guess.

Not a joke but a wise proverb hanging over our dining room table.

Money can't buy Happiness
But it can buy cows
And cows make milk
And milk makes ice cream
And Ice Cream makes you HAPPY

[kenemoore]

A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
"Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some @ssh0le has my pen!"

[jeepster09]

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead..

__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
__________

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
__________

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive.."
__________

"A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man
as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

[jeepster09]

Nordakota Cow
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota.
(That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if she gives milk.
When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised.
He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then
reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit,
pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so
after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota , and calls over
his neighbor Jimmy Mooney,and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis
ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens."

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts.
Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din'tyah?"

Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip.
Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?"

Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota."

[jeepster09]

A word to the wise!!
A word to the wise...

Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure. "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.

[kenemoore]

Jeepster, the cow one make me chuckle.

[AIRret]

LOVE IT! LOVE IT! I knew you folks had some jokes you were holding back!!

[CPTKILLER]

Funny

[jeepster09]

The end is near....:2rolleyes:

[jeepster09]

Inner city youth...

[DavidWJ]

That's scary. I once wanted to become a high school teacher...

1.Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No

4.Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

5.Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger cuts down a
beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this
way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after
answering the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers, and if you feel
like crying, it's ok).

[Bobshouse]

That's scary. I once wanted to become a high school teacher...

1.Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?
Yes or No

4.Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

5.Teaching Math In 2000s
A logger cuts down a
beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing
for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this
way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after
answering the question: How did the birds
and squirrels feel as the logger
cut down their homes? (There are no
wrong answers, and if you feel
like crying, it's ok).

2015: That logger is an idiot. Been selling a truckload of lumber for the same price for over 50 years! With rising labor costs, fuel cost and insurance, he is losing money hand over fist!

[marshal kane]

That logger must be the same guy who negotiated the nuclear treaty with the Iranians.

[Bawanna]

Earth first, we'll log the rest of the planets later.

[gb6491]

I was torn between posting this here or in the CCW, Tactics, and Training forum :crazy: I find it humorous, but think it's also an appealing salute to sound tactics.


The Roof Korean Morale Patch is a reminder that nobody will f**k with your s**t if you have the higher ground and superior firepower.
http://i65.tinypic.com/nexklw.png
http://www.violentlittle.com/products/roof-korean-color-morale-patch

[AIRret]

Awww jokularity, a favorite phrase of William Christopher (Father Mulcahy on MASH) May he rest in peace.

One hour a day I truly look forward to 2 episodes all of which I've no doubt seen at least 4 times but still enjoy immensely.

Only bad thing about weekends, no MASH.

I'll try to think of a joke, I like em too, just not good at remembering them.

Kind of a serious guy I guess.

Not a joke but a wise proverb hanging over our dining room table.

Money can't buy Happiness
But it can buy cows
And cows make milk
And milk makes ice cream
And Ice Cream makes you HAPPY

I changed the Jokularity to JOKOlarity in honor of our very own, but absent, JOKO

[Bawanna]

I sent out another finder email to ole jocko. Got a pretty quick response. I threatened to lift his post count to 475 million if he didn't visit.

Here's his response.

Damn joe I'm in Florida for 3 months , not near a computer. Using my phone which eats up data as I don't have access to wifi.
Took both kahr K9 snd pmj9 down with us and we have shot 1500 rounds so far. Had to look for more ammo snd it was all over the price from 345$ to 799$ per 1000. No ****. I found s good ol redneck operating a gunshot sbout 12x 12 in the back of an auto body shop who sold me. 1000. CCI brass 124 gr for 229$ . So in thinking sbout kahr.
UR JUDT GONNA Have to cover for ol jocko. You have enough bull **** to cover for me for st least 6 months .


As you can see his spelling qualities remain about the same. I told him not to be a staring at bikini clad sit downs and run into the back of his wife's Harley again. No response yet but I'm sure I won't be able to print it no how.

[AIRret]

Bawanna thanks for TRYING to keep those who stray in line……just like a sheep dog…both a herder and defender!

[Bills1873]

Now, if you can just find CJB......

[jeepster09]

Conceal Carrie or open Carrie?

[jeepster09]

Racial Profiling
Racial Profiling

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick.

[Armybrat]

Jeepster, the cow one make me chuckle.

I would send that one to my landman in Nordakota, but he's probably heard it already. lol

And Bawanna, thanks for the update on ol' Jocko.

[Armybrat]

I was torn between posting this here or in the CCW, Tactics, and Training forum :crazy: I find it humorous, but think it's also an appealing salute to sound tactics.


http://i65.tinypic.com/nexklw.png
http://www.violentlittle.com/products/roof-korean-color-morale-patch



Those guys certainly proved that while defending their businesses after the Rodney King LA riots late last Century.

[Armybrat]

A Texan died and ascended into Heaven.

St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You will certainly enjoy Paradise."

The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always thought that TEXAS was Paradise."

St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that had a beautiful river flowing through it with wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this beautiful?" said St. Peter.

The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the area around SAN ANTONIO."

Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another area where there were rolling hills, whitetail deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush everywhere. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen anything so wonderful?"

The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL COUNTRY in the springtime."

Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the Texan to a
beautiful white beach, with gentle waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.

The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".

At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they stepped into an elevator and started going down.

As they descended, it grew more and more hot. When the elevator door opened, it revealed the fires of damnation-Hell. St. Peter said, "Now, have you got anything in Texas that can top that?"

The Texan thought a moment and shook his head.

"No, but I know a couple of old boys from HOUSTON that can put that thing out for you."

[Armybrat]

Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump! "Stop," he yelled, "remember you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything in the stock
market!"

"But remember you're important to your wife," yelled the Texan.

"The ***** divorced me."

"Your children! Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They never call," said the man.

"Then your parents. Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"Dead as doornails," said the man.

"Then 'Remember the Alamo'," yelled the Texan.

"What's the Alamo?" inquired the man.

The Texan said, "Jump, you Yankee son of a *****!"

[AIRret]

racial profiling
racial profiling

i was standing at the bar of terminal 3 in the international airport when this small chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "do you know any of those martial arts things, like kung-fu, karate, or ju-jitsu?"

he says "no, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because i am chinese?

"no", i said, "it's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick.

love it !!!!!!!!!!

[GROTMAN]

You will not believe what just happened .. I went to the gas station up the street from me to buy a diet mountain dew ... When I walked up I noticed these two cops looking at a woman who was smoking while fueling up ,
I saw her & was like .. hmm what an idiot. So I went in picked up my drink and as I was checking out I hear someone screaming. I look out side and noticed the woman's arm was on fire!
She was tossing and waiving her arm around all crazy! By the time I ran outside the cops had put her on the ground and were putting the fire out with an extinguisher. When I walked closer, I see the cops put hand cuffs on her and were about to put her in the cop car.
I was thinking what in the world???
But being the concerned citizen that I am I asked the cops what they were arresting her for ..
figuring that catching her arm a blaze would be punishment enough.

He looked me dead in my eye and said ....





."waving a firearm' ....:o:o..

[kwh]

^ I never saw that one coming:)

[wyntrout]

HA! HA! A bunch of good ones! :D

[Armybrat]

https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/16195120_10212660462295222_7953538994808755808_n.j pg?oh=2b1e3ba094e788b99080a5e7977c3298&oe=590BF74C

[jeepster09]

The Pope visits Alaska
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska.
He was driving along near the campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy? "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

[wyntrout]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7990&stc=1&d=1363707220

[GROTMAN]

Just in case you were wondering.. :)


http://i.imgur.com/oidtLV6.jpg

[Armybrat]

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e92/ELBOnline/opencarryTX_zpsszaosoem.jpg

[Planedude]

A Texas motto.

"Bring enough gun for the fight..."

In this case any fight at all.

[kenemoore]

A Father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the young boy three 10c coins to play with to keep him
occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts
slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10cs but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the
counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants;
takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last of the 10cs, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.................. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied.
"I'm with the IRS"

[CPTKILLER]

Excellent!

[Bills1873]

So true!!!!

[kwh]

Ouch!

[Armybrat]

Hah! If she had really been from the IRS, she would've kept that last dime. :p

[jeepster09]

Pilot's Announcement
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising
altitude, the Captain announced,


"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293,
non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good,
so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and . .
.
Oh MY GOD!"

Silence followed . . . . .

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a
flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled
"For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

[jeepster09]

The Biblical Trump

Donald Trump is constantly bombarded concerning his spirituality, alleged
Christian beliefs and so forth.

He was recently asked if he could quote any Bible verses.

He replied, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."

Trump 20:17

[340pd]

Upon arriving in the recovery room, the husband sat down as the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."
The husband said, "I'm not surprised. I have a ***** the size of a chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black."

[jeepster09]

Don't worry....:amflag:

[340pd]

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport
when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, I don't. And furthermore, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I'm Chinese?

"No," I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little p*&#ck"

[GLOCKROCKER]

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. “Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape,” says the doctor afterward. “How do you do it?”
“Well,” says Mr. Smith, “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.”
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
“I don’t think that’s anything to worry about,” she says. “And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge.”

[GLOCKROCKER]

A retired gentleman went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked.
“Unbutton your shirt,” the woman requested. So he opened his shirt, revealing a chest full of curly silver hair.
“That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” the lady announced, and she processed his Social Security application.
When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
“You should have dropped your pants,” his wife replied, “you might have qualified for disability, too.”

[jeepster09]

5 Flies....


Group of guys get together for coffee. Bob says he killed 5 flies that morning, two were males and the other three were females.

John asks how the h*ll can you tell what sex a fly is????

Bob says easy--the males were on an empty beer can and the females were on the telephone.

[kwh]

Glockrocker and Jeepster thanks for ending my day with laughter.;):yo:

[Armybrat]

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-e-9jKhr5avM/WJCjE0kX-lI/AAAAAAAABkk/H6PIfefIDgMALdIEokJMPsCTjRJSGEwSACK4B/s1600/presz.png

[AIRret]

THIS is a TRUE story about our oldest son who is a LEO (Department of Natural Resources). He's a guy who trains hard to be ready for whatever the world throws
at him. Maybe it's just us, but we got a real laugh out of this. He has a great wife and three young kids!

The three of us (Jim, MB, and Jeff) had a conversation about "men" raw EGGS, eggnog and other things….this created a need in Jeff to fulfill a life time goal, a la ROCKY... of drinking down "RAW" eggs and this is the result.


So, after our discussion the other day about manly men doing manly things with raw eggs, a man decided to go for it and face his fear.


First, 2 large grade A eggs were washed and then cracked into a shiny, clean glass.
The man stood gazing at the glass for a moment, then…with a rather stoic and somewhat sexy stance he slammed the two raw, globular blobs into his mouth.
The first went down nice and smooth, however, the second one decided to uncontrollably slosh and slip around the man’s mouth for a few seconds as if denying the man his victory. It was as if the man had to chase the slimy egg down and kill it.


Then it was done.
A man stood tall. A man stood proud.
He looked upon his family with a newfound sense of accomplishment and power.


His family looked at him as if he were nothing more than a stupid idiot with no sense of good judgement and an overall lack of maturity.
Oh if they could see things through his eyes…