March madness.........

[340pd]

A recent article in "The Dominion Post" reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued
Wellington Hospital, saying that ‘after her husband had surgery there, he lost
all interest in sex’.




A hospital attorney replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery”.

[jeepster09]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the sh!t out of all of you"
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."......

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/542685_10200702993283065_1157267420_n.jpg?oh=e8cf9 71ccc2be8cad9ecec6b7c0b9417&oe=5970EA0C

[Bawanna]

14608

This one just hit me right.

[Bills1873]

Hahaha! Love that one!

[getsome]

A Democrat was seated next to a little girl flying alone on a plane and he turned to her and said, Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger...

The little girl, who had just started reading her book replied to the stranger, sure what would you like to talk about?

Oh I don't know said the Democrat, how about how Donald Trump is the worst President we have ever elected and that if he hadn't cheated by having the Russians hack the DNC then Hillary would be in office continuing the Progressive politics of the greatest President of all time, Barack Obama....

The little girl says OK those could be interesting topics but first I would like to ask you a question.....A rabbit, a cow, and a horse all eat the same thing, grass yet a rabbit excretes little black balls, while a cow turns out a big flat patty and a horse produces clumps....Why do you suppose that is?

The Democrat, visibly surprised by the little girls intelligence thinks about it and says, hmmmmm, I have no idea...To which the little girl replies, sir, do you really feel qualified to talk about a subject as important as politics when you obviously don't know $hit about $hit!!!....And then she went back to reading her book.....

[getsome]

Note found inside Chinese fortune cookie you probably will never see...

Confucius say, buy man an airline ticket and he takes but one flight but throw man out of plane and he fly for life...


Feel free to add your own...

[kenemoore]

Another fortune cookie:

Build a man a fire, he warm for one day.
Set a man on fire, he warm for rest of his life.

[jeepster09]

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog doo, 20 feet back."

[jeepster09]

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
"Let's have a big party, Jocko," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

[jeepster09]

An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

[Bawanna]

oooooooo, good one.

[wyntrout]

Talk about a coincidence!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.



The woman perked up and said, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”


“What a coincidence,” the farmer said. “This is a special day for me; I am celebrating.”


“This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,” said the woman.


“What a coincidence!” said the farmer. As they clinked glasses, he added, “What are you celebrating?”


“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!”


“What a coincidence!” said the man. “I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.”


“That’s great!” said the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”


“I used a different rooster,” he replied.


The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, “What a coincidence!”

[GROTMAN]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL a**' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE

[jeepster09]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNIXtxZRGYM

[wyntrout]

Almost a year ago,Duluth offers "Man-teddy":

This will absolutely stop plumber's butt! :D

Okay, we heard you


Even with 3 extra inches, some guys still complained that our Longtail T® Shirt isn't long enough. So we proudly introduce the Tradesman's Bodysuit. Four heavy duty snaps secure the tapered legs for the ultimate in Plumber's Butt banishment. Get one today!


http://images.duluthtrading.com/email/test-logo.png (http://link.duluthtradingemail.com/u.d?I4GjScaIyJSrdT9pPhk=11&s=E60401DC2&ym_2mid=1610382&ym_2rid=5122456&mboxSession=E60401D-9995122456&acvid=fKPWZTiJjYANKqSLX6DXQSUSRgg0UFRq&utm_2source=email&utm_2medium=email&utm_2campaign=E60401DC2)

http://images.duluthtrading.com/email/Apr1-Tradesmens-Bodysuit.jpg (http://link.duluthtradingemail.com/u.d?RYGjScaIyJSrdT9pPhxK=101&s=E60401DC2&ym_2mid=1610382&ym_2rid=5122456&mboxSession=E60401D-9995122456&acvid=fKPWZTiJjYANKqSLX6DXQSUSRgg0UFRq&utm_2source=email&utm_2medium=email&utm_2campaign=E60401DC2)






Even with 3 extra inches, some guys still complained that our Longtail T® Shirt isn't long enough. So we proudly introduce the Tradesman's Bodysuit. Four heavy duty snaps secure the tapered legs for the ultimate in Plumber's Butt banishment. Get one today!

Offered 04-01-2016. :)

[AIRret]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the sh!t out of all of you"
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."......

WOW!!!!!!!!! That one is getting sent to everyone I know……Love it!!!! We got a great laugh out of it.
Many Thanks!!

[jeepster09]

3 dogs at the vet
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here?"
The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything.....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"
"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " why are you here?"
The Yellow Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you ?" the Black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here? "
" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[jeepster09]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[AIRret]

jeepster…..Loved IT!!!!!!

Isn't it interesting….the lie of just mentioning bits and pieces!!

[GROTMAN]

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. "Magic Beer", he says She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?" "Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window. The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again." He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window. She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having." She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies. The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, you're a real ###hole when you're drunk, Superman

[Bawanna]

Awww, you killed me again Grotman. I love that one!

[jeepster09]

Ahhhh with Saint Patty's Day coming I was in a bar.....

[Harrylee]

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ2S72SSvd6bO2i2lMYFCEZOsYlJQsLG oZHBxUcmI9UrI7nvYZo

[AIRret]

Loved it….HarryLee

[jeepster09]

4 Hours
You've seen all the commercials about ED. But what really happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?


I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a male pharmacist. She assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.


I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "As a shy man, this is tough for me to discuss, but here goes. I get erections every day that last more than four hours. This condition causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it."


The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I want to discuss this with my sister who is also a pharmacist."


When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do:


* 1/3 ownership in the store,


* A company pickup truck,


* A king size bed and


* $3,000 a month in living expenses."

[Bills1873]

Hahahaha! Good one!

[AIRret]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:


The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water’. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up --
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:

'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours’.

[deadeye]

We apologize for the mistake in last Sunday's bulletin. I should have read "There will be a TAFFY pull at St. PETER'S next Saturday at 2:00 PM."

[jeepster09]

Old man beaver hunting
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great
and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 30 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the
beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."http://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_hunter.gifhttp://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_hunter.gif

[jeepster09]

Bad Day
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft.. Wayne, Indiana , who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note
from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had
a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at
work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all . Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to
keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of
equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose,
which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and
I've used it several times with no complaints.. What I do, when I get to
the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the
back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's
like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a
sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the
hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what
had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and
pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back,
the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my ass was
not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I
was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I
aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water
decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach
the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at
the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire
out, but I couldn't $h!t for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

[Ken L]

^^hysterical!

[downtownv]

A recent article in "The Dominion Post" reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued
Wellington Hospital, saying that ‘after her husband had surgery there, he lost
all interest in sex’.




A hospital attorney replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery”.


A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.
"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the sh!t out of all of you"
Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Couple of minutes ago."......


https://scontent-mia1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/542685_10200702993283065_1157267420_n.jpg?oh=e8cf9 71ccc2be8cad9ecec6b7c0b9417&oe=5970EA0C


http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14608&stc=1

This one just hit me right.


A Democrat was seated next to a little girl flying alone on a plane and he turned to her and said, Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger...

The little girl, who had just started reading her book replied to the stranger, sure what would you like to talk about?

Oh I don't know said the Democrat, how about how Donald Trump is the worst President we have ever elected and that if he hadn't cheated by having the Russians hack the DNC then Hillary would be in office continuing the Progressive politics of the greatest President of all time, Barack Obama....

The little girl says OK those could be interesting topics but first I would like to ask you a question.....A rabbit, a cow, and a horse all eat the same thing, grass yet a rabbit excretes little black balls, while a cow turns out a big flat patty and a horse produces clumps....Why do you suppose that is?

The Democrat, visibly surprised by the little girls intelligence thinks about it and says, hmmmmm, I have no idea...To which the little girl replies, sir, do you really feel qualified to talk about a subject as important as politics when you obviously don't know $hit about $hit!!!....And then she went back to reading her book.....


An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.
"Let's have a big party, Jocko," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14647&stc=1

[wyntrout]

We need an "opinion" button... like, for sure. GT has it!

Wynn :)

[jeepster09]

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

[jeepster09]

I found out what Jocko actually was doing.....he is a thistle sifter!
Jocko Thistle, the successful thistle sifter,
In sifting a sieve full of un-sifted thistles,
Thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb.
If Jocko Thistle, the successful thistle sifter,
Can thrust three thousand thistles through the thick of his thumb,
See that thou, in sifting a sieve full of un-sifted thistles,
Thrust not three thousand thistles through the thick of thy thumb.

[jeepster09]

Speeding Ticket:
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

[GROTMAN]

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim faced Harbor Master officials:

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife."

Cedric Flynn asked "Tell me, did you find her?"

One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news,"

Fearing the worst...Flynn said..."Give me the bad news first."

"We're sorry to tell you that this morning we found your wife's body in the Bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn..."what could possibly be the good news?"

The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters that you've ever seen clinging to her...haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's. We think you're entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[AIRret]

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Old Marine and three Libtards



























Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.


Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'


The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'


Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.



Gibson was satisfied.


Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.


He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'


The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr.. U..S. Marine, what is your final wish?


'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.


'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'


'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.


So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor.....?'

Semper Fi!



If You Are Not Willing To Stand Behind Our Troops, Please, Please Feel Free To Stand In Front Of Them!

[Bills1873]

Excellent!

[Bills1873]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=14648&stc=1

[Bawanna]

Awesome! Gotta love kids.

[340pd]

Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers:

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Williams, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers.
“Tell me! Did you find her?” Williams asked.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Williams said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”
“Oh no!” exclaimed Williams. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued, “When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch.”
Stunned, Mr. Williams demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”
The trooper replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow.”