June jocularity (no relation to Jocko)

[340pd]

http://thehardtimes.net/news/massive-recall-issued-ineffective-coexist-bumper-sticker/

[Bawanna]

Stumbled across this old email from Muggsy. Made me chuckle so thought it worth repeating.

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your
Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way."

So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying job of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

Thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work for the government and paying them outrageous salaries to occupy its highest and most influential positions .

The practice is unbroken to this day.

[ltxi]

Sadly, I very much resemble that. Unsadly, I got away with it.

[Planedude]

Yup, your right, that's a good one...

[b4uqzme]

Armybrat's upcoming 50th wedding anniversary reminded me of an old Henny Youngman (IIRC) joke:

The secret to a long, successful marriage is to go out on a romantic, candlelit dinner twice a week.................

.................................She goes on Tuesday and he goes on Thursday.

[dustnchips]

https://cdn.incaseyoumissed.net/va0XQZgo/be36a30f-63e8-40df-bd32-3d347d63f54d/ab34fff0-cf66-437c-9892-763923c6e3db.jpgnetdna-cdn.com
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Jimmy: “9.”
Principal: “6 x 6?”
Jimmy: “36.”
And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a fourth grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher “I see no reason why Jimmy can’t go to the fourth grade, he answered all of my questions right.”
The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Jimmy agree.



Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”
Jimmy: “Legs”
Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”
The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answerin gJimmy says, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Jimmy: “Pants.”
Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”
Jimmy: “Firetruck.”
The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Jimmy in the fourth grade. I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

[mr surveyor]

that was funny :)


jd

[jeepster09]

Good ones!

[jeepster09]

https://cimg8.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/548x1174/80-att00005_8d215f7b253919944ecf4a5360cedfdef125a74e. jpg

[jeepster09]

the nagging wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[wyntrout]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

https://www.facebook.com/images/emoji.php/v9/f29/1.5/16/1f602.png

[kenemoore]

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."
The doctor said, "At 106-years, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"

[Ed M]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9s_zhOausN8

[340pd]

A wild eyed, older*(and quite ugly) woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, DC waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out, “I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber.* I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?”**A female voice from the back of the room called out,**“You Need More Ammo Hillary!”*

[jeepster09]

Top 10 idiot sightings
#10.
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....

#9.
When I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey, 'I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'
His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

#8.
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

#7.
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

#6.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

#5.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

#4.
The stop light on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled,she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

#3.
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'down sizing,'
Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

#2.
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into it self and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office.

#1.
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee -A?? NOPE
Lay -a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

[jeepster09]

Makes you go hmmm....

[ltxi]

Jeepster, you gots too much time on your hands. Please keep it up.

[GROTMAN]

Wasn't sure whether to put this here or on the Kahr Facebook thread. Perfect exp. of modern day relationships.

Dearest Dad,
I am coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me.

As you know, I am in Australia ... and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook , had long chats on Whatsapp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.
Your favorite daughter,
Lilly

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever ... I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,
Your Dad

[kenemoore]

The History of the Middle Finger:
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and they began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentalfricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing. Didn't yew!!

[AIRret]

GROTMAN (http://www.kahrtalk.com/member.php?9131-GROTMAN) kenemoore (http://www.kahrtalk.com/member.php?14943-kenemoore) you guys are GREAT!!

I'm forwarding these to "those" who get jokes!!

[Bills1873]

What a hoot! Great contributions!

[jeepster09]

do you know what these ...
....four things have in common......

A hurricane
A Tornado
A Forest fire
A Southern Divorce

Somebody's about to lose a trailer.......

[Armybrat]

Breaking: Feminists cry after woman wins election against rich white male....

http://pbs.twimg.com/media/DC3Y9j8VoAALnLg.jpg

[Bawanna]

All look like trannies to me, wonder if there's a connection.

[GROTMAN]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty,
and was leaving his mission in the jungle,
where he has spent years teaching the natives,
when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them, was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,

"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts,

"Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,

"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats

, "Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his
results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his
blowgun and kills them both..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind
to each other, so how could he kill these
people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,

"My bike..."

[Armybrat]

Now I know where the term "sticky wicket" comes from...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckdKnWw97Z8

[wyntrout]

Who invented the backup sensor?









Bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler? No. Then how about Mercedes Benz? No! It was a Chinese farmer!




Lots of the newer cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes into contact with something.




Surprisingly it was not developed by modern automotive engineers using the latest technology.It was disclosed recently that the first to develop the Back-Up-Sensor was a Chinese Farmer.




His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitch squeal when the vehicle backs into something.









Here's his first prototype.

[wyntrout]

I hope all of these are okay. I really laughed at some before finishing, but need to start cooking supper!


Subject: Fwd: IRISH JOKES!


...Just thought you might like a wee bit of Irish humor...enjoy!


Irish Jokes

An Irishman's first drink with his son


While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky. He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!



Irish Confession

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.


When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."



Some Light Dublin Traffic Humor

A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins." shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"



AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely naked."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed: "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings (and her clothes) and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching the dice."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all Irish are drunks.

Not all blondes are dumb.

But all men....are men.




Irish Fun

Mick says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards, because I wasn't even home yesterday."
___________________________

Paddy & Mick find three grenades, so they decide to take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
___________________________

Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
___________________________

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope: "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
____________________________

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
____________________________

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.'

'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
___________________________

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says: "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

The farmer does. Two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.
____________________________

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself", Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck", says the Guard.

"I know", says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."
____________________________

An answer I can understand.....

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
_____________________________

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
____________________________

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'

'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.
'____________________________

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her out of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
____________________________

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.

'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
_____________________________

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
______________________________ __

My Mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life; and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

[jeepster09]

Lol...:yo:

[jeepster09]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

https://cimg1.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/259x256/80-elevator_dd5295bf022eac0f9612bf4c6bc9565af0c275a7. jpg




The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.


https://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/259x176/80-two_men_30955a3456e19fc8d7cb65d5cac229d3892522d9.j pg




While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.


https://cimg5.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/255x295/80-large_lady_0a17904b83679bc11c4660ded6123257470918c 7.jpg




They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.


https://cimg9.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/324x545/80-gorgeous_lady_abeae011db3bcae8eaab984a59c7d695c4e2 8a1f.jpg






The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....'Go get your Mother'




https://cimg1.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/395x367/80-family_41e2ef074027b305d9d7713febb0be93c24a850a.jp g

__________________

[ltxi]

:)...

[wyntrout]

The old cowboy’s shave (http://knuckledraggin.com/2017/05/the-old-cowboys-shave/) https://i1.wp.com/knuckledraggin.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/05/mime-attachment.jpg?resize=589%2C395



An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut.



He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.



The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside each cheek in turn, to spread out the skin.



When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.



The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.

[jeepster09]

Psychotherapy for Retirees
How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in RETIREMENT.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!

2. On all your check stubs, write, "For Sexual Favours"

3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.

5. Sing along at The Opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go...'

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite...

10. Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"