August heat....

[jeepster09]

Hmmmm....what do you do :rolleyes:

[gb6491]

https://s1.postimg.org/8ihd9m2tr/patron_saint.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[jeepster09]

Being older!


Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice!!!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes" .

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people" ?

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

[340pd]

Image testing here.

At one of the DC marches, one woman carried a sign that said:

"I dream women will someday have the same rights as guns."


https://web.mail.comcast.net/service/home/%7E/?auth=co&id=895323&part=2.2


Does that mean that this brilliant liberal wants...


- women to be banned from entering school and college campuses?

- women to be banned from any establishment selling alcohol?

- women to be banned from polling places on election days

- women to be banned from any official government group meetings?

- all women to be banned from all airports?

- you to have to pay a fee to the state before you can carry a woman on your person?

- some women to be banned outright simply because they look too scary?

- all women to be locked up at all times that they are not in use?


Hmmmm.

- Does she also think that all guys should have more than one?

- That all women should come with silencers?

Maybe this was not well thought out. (But, what "progressive" issues are?)

[gb6491]

https://s19.postimg.org/6t9bwu08z/nypd1000.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[TXscooterguy]

A husband comes home and rushes to the bedroom. He pulls out his suitcase and starts throwing clothes in it. His wife walks in and asks what he's doing. He tells her he just heard there's an island in the Pacific where there are so many more women than men that there is a thriving male prostitution business. The wife takes out her suitcase and starts throwing her clothes in it. The husband asks, "Where are you going"? She responds, "I'm going to watch you try to live on $20 a month."

[Barth]

I'm banned from telling dirty jokes :(

But here's the result of a quick google search -

IT’S SO HOT THAT…
…I saw a fire hydrant chasing down a dog!
…I went outside for a smoke and the cigarette lit itself!
…I’m sweating like a politician on election day!
…all the bread in the store is toast!
… the cows are giving evaporated milk!
… the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground!
…you can make INSTANT sun tea!
…your car overheats before you drive it!
… you got condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl!
…Lance Armstrong tested positive for water!
…my Reese’s peanut butter cups turned into Reese’s peanut butter shooters…I drank ’em anyway!
…my change melted into a medallion in my purse!
…I saw a coyote chasing a jack rabbit and they were both walking!

[Ed M]

https://s19.postimg.org/6t9bwu08z/nypd1000.jpg (https://postimages.org/)





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbEJVSJBGIY

[jeepster09]

THE DIRTY BIRD
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.
Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of ill repute. Sometimes it says pretty off color stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that’s not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
"New house, new madam, new prostitutes; same old faces. Hi George!"

[jeepster09]

A Pair of Parrots

A young lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
"My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and
your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots.

Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims,
"Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

[AIRret]

Drinking, A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Then, nothing. But, after another minute or 2, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “What’s all the screaming about in there?" he yells. “You’re scaring my customers!”
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet minding my own business," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts." The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You're sitting on the mop bucket."

[AIRret]

A little raw but very true.
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few pieces left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."

[jeepster09]

Two Wishes in Australia
A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?"
The man says," I'll have a pint," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too." "The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half ... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch ... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket.
As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know ... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well," says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "what did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."
"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"
The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pu$$y."

[Ikeo74]

That was a great story and it kept me in suspense until the very last sentence. ;) LOL

[GROTMAN]

NOTE LEFT ON REFRIGERATOR

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 yrs. old,

can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.

Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact

that I will be spending the evening with my 18 yr. old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset..............I will be home before midnight.



When the man came home that night, he found the following note on the dining room table:



My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 yrs. old.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 yrs. old.

As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that,

as you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also

the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile and, like your secretary, is 18 yrs. old.



As a successful businessman, who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand

that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference............

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

[wyntrout]

COFFEE AND TESTICLES]
A guy goes into the Broomfield, Colorado Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the
regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at
10:00 am every day.
"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our balls.
No point in your coming in for that."

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/11026321_800607190044216_6238687903106644125_n.jpg ?oh=967bcd4e44c68617fa1ece899935db8d&oe=59ED86B0

[wyntrout]

http://www.hrtwarming.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/014.jpg

[jeepster09]

Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were
you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your
leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I
don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, when a guy has a peni$ he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

[AIRret]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/11026321_800607190044216_6238687903106644125_n.jpg ?oh=967bcd4e44c68617fa1ece899935db8d&oe=59ED86B0


I showed this joke to my Hubby and watched him while he read it………..He sure spent a lot of time staring at his thumbs!!! Which made we laugh out loud!
He then said what so funny? My response was; "read the rest of the joke!"
Thanks for the laugh

[jeepster09]

An elderly man moved into a nursing home. After he'd been there a few days, a nurse noticed him leaning to the right, and strapped his left arm to the chair. A few days later, she noticed him leaning to the left, and strapped his right arm to the chair. Not long after that, she noticed him leaning forward in his chair, so she strapped him to the back of the chair. His daughter came to visit him. "How do you like this place?" she asked him. "It's not bad," he replied, "except they won't let me fart."

[jeepster09]

A little girl wants to walk her dog, but her father says that she can't because the dog is in heat. After a moment's thought, he finally says, "Well, I guess, if we pour gas on the dog's rear end it will kill the scent." So he does. Half an hour later, the girl returns. The father says, "Where's the dog?" The girl replies,"She ran out of gas half a block down the street, and the neighbor's dog is pushing her home."

[jeepster09]

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that could service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse, though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Randy strutted into the henhouse and set to work.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself!" But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you, my little buddy."
"Shhhhh," Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

[jeepster09]

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, "Sister, you sleep on the bed. I'll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag."
Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said "Father, I'm cold." He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her.
Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, "Father, I'm still very cold.."
He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, "Father, I'm sooooo cold."
This time, he remained there and said, "Sister, I have an idea. We're out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let's pretend we're married."
The nun said, "That's fine by me."
To which the priest yelled out, "Great. Get up and get your own stupid blanket!"

[Bawanna]

Photo posting test.

Granddaughter turns 3 Saturday. Didn't like to go too fast, boat don't too fast but sometimes faster than she wanted to go.

https://s26.postimg.org/wbqxr8et5/Shaylin_5.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[Bawanna]

Dang, it actually worked!

Here she is playing captain, she didn't grasp the concept of once you were headed where you want to go you don't have to turn the wheel no more.
My wife still has issues with that same thing, must be genetics.

https://s26.postimg.org/g20roc455/Shaylin_4.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

Not my best side me thinks.

[Bawanna]

I think I might have this Postimage.org thing fingered out. Not 100% on sending an email pic but forum, no problem so far.

[kenemoore]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?"

[Bawanna]

Now there's something worthy of consideration right there.

[Armybrat]

Beautiful lake and granddaughter, but didn't know bears drove boats.

[Armybrat]

Got a laugh at this one - in view if recent events down souf.

http://scontent-dft4-3.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/20914309_1980009282234339_7477313696514365891_n.jp g?oh=b3bc35af1c0e727807ec66d35b44ab1c&oe=5A1C4970

[Bawanna]

Maybe we need a new statue for crybabies.......

I'm with Pence, we should be putting up more, not taking them down.

[GROTMAN]

Well here's one for starters...

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/11/05/article-2057902-0EABB52D00000578-211_634x745.jpg (http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjYsszyyO7VAhVr5oMKHULkDsEQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dailymail.co.uk%2Fnews%2Farti cle-2057902%2FThe-weirdest-statues-world-The-incredible-creations-display-Norwegian-park.html&psig=AFQjCNEgZ_mYOsRnkzuHWpi6ukY1SZTxyw&ust=1503619397930721)

[GROTMAN]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and body guard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011
Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

[GROTMAN]

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

[jeepster09]

Good ones!