November naughtiness [Archive]

jeepster09

11-01-2017, 05:30 PM

Ok...ok here goes nuthin :cheer2:

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention...
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

Bawanna

11-01-2017, 05:40 PM

I think maybe this calls for a Blonde statue.

ltxi

11-01-2017, 05:50 PM

Damn good start to the month!!

getsome

11-03-2017, 10:55 AM

A brunet is talking with her blond friend and tells her that last night she had wild sex with a hot Brazilian....The blond gasps and says to the brunet, OMG you are such a slut, how many is a Brazilian anyway?

getsome

11-03-2017, 11:19 AM

Young Houng Lo calls his boss one morning and says, Hello Mr. Boss man, Houng feel very sick, head hurt, back hurt so can't come work today.....Boss says, that's too bad Houng, I was really counting on you today but if you want to feel better you should do what I do when I start feeling bad....I go to my wife and tell her that I need her to drop everything and go up stairs and make passionate love to me like when we were newlyweds and being the beautiful sexy wife that she is, she's always happy to do whatever I want and when it's over I feel fantastic and forget all about feeling sick....I think you should try it and see if it works for you...

Houng says, Boss man Houng will try anything you say because you are smartest boss man I know....A couple hours later Houng calls back and says Boss man, you so right, Houng try what you say and Houng now feel like million bucks, Houng be in to work in just a bit and by the way boss man, you have very soft bed....

jeepster09

11-03-2017, 04:49 PM

Male logic
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the 5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the 5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the largest breasts...

jeepster09

11-03-2017, 04:50 PM

Little Sally
Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face and told her mum.
"Franki brown showed me his willy today."
Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut....."
With a secret smile mum asked, 'Was it really small ?"

Sally replied, "No... really salty!"

jeepster09

11-04-2017, 11:22 AM

Alligator shoes
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

"DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!

jeepster09

11-04-2017, 11:47 AM

Sad day....

GROTMAN

11-06-2017, 05:22 PM

NC State Trooper stopped guy on Harley for speeding. Not a major violation and he was thinking of letting the guy off with a warning but had to check him out.

What's your name?

Fred.

Fred what?

Just Fred.

“Fred what?” the officer insists.

“Just Fred,” the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket, but he still presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

The biker replies, “It’s a long story, so stay with me.

I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.”

The officer walked away in tears, laughing. Fred did not get a ticket or a warning.

AIRret

11-08-2017, 07:24 AM

One night at Cheers, a TV Sitcom, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this ... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.
And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health
of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers".

ltxi

11-08-2017, 04:30 PM

^ I remember that now you done brought it up...:)

Armybrat

11-08-2017, 08:12 PM

The late, great, and infamous Texas lawyer Joe Jamail conducts a deposition. Only Jamail's hands appear in the video (warning - colorful language):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZIxmrvbMeKc

Jamail's most famous case (unrelated to this video) was when he won a judgment for his client Pennzoil in a lawsuit against Texaco for about $8 Billion. Jamail's fee was $335 Million. When he passed away a couple of years ago, Joe's personal fortune was worth $1.5 Billion, making him the richest lawyer in Texas. He was known to frequently drop a lot of f-bombs in casual conversation - even in mixed company. The ladies of Texas learned to ignore his loose mouth, as it was just Joe being Joe. He was a great philanthropist.

RIP Joe, you were one of a kind.

I never met him, but did see him once in a while at the University of Texas Ex-Student's Center prior to some Longhorn football games years ago.

jeepster09

11-11-2017, 05:32 PM

Atheist in the woods
An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Armybrat

11-18-2017, 12:42 PM

This Mallard Fillmore 'toon made me lmao...

http://www.arcamax.com/newspics/158/15805/1580540.gif

Slugnutty

11-19-2017, 10:39 AM

Back on January 9th, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge.

So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, “Hey Baby…..whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked …”Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe…why don’t you give ole George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that … and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That’s a real talent you’re wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. “So tell me..why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

jeepster09

11-19-2017, 04:20 PM

The Scotsman
A kilt wearing Scotsman coming home from the bar a bit drunk decided to take a wee rest under a tree. Soon he fell soundly asleep and lay there for a few hours, and while he slept a young lass passed by. Seeing the Scotsman laying there fast asleep she wondered 'was anything really worn under that kilt'? So she decided to take a peak and quickly discovered that indeed, nothing at all was worn beneath the kilt. Well she decided to leave a memento of her little intrusion so she pulled a silky blue ribbon from her hair and tied it around his manhood.
After a short while the Scotsman awoke having a great urge to relieve himself. Stepping behind the tree and lifting his kilt he discovered the blue ribbon around his *****, and in total disbelief said "Laddie, I don't know where you've been or what you've been doing, but I see you've won first prize"!

jeepster09

11-19-2017, 04:21 PM

Do You Drink Beer?
Male Logic . . .

This is a conversation between a husband and his wife.
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.

Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about three.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?

Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No.
Man: Where is your airplane?

jeepster09

11-19-2017, 04:23 PM

Naptime!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AF_nfazQaek&app=desktop

jeepster09

11-19-2017, 04:28 PM

Need a new pillow? Try My Pillow!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3alLlPjTX1I

wyntrout

11-19-2017, 05:03 PM

I thought the woman putting the pillow over her mate's face was funny, but it went downhill from there... turning into an ad. :(

jeepster09

11-20-2017, 06:19 PM

A young man with his pants hanging half off his a$$, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You will have to drive around in his 2017 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshi!!in' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... you started it."

kenemoore

11-25-2017, 05:41 PM

In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Crew. And they spoke among themselves, saying, ''It is a crock of $hit, and it stinketh.''
And the Crew went unto their Chiefs and said, ''It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof.''
And the Chiefs went unto their D.O.’s, saying, ''It is a container of excrement, andit is very strong, such that none may abide it.''
And the D.O.’s went unto their fellow Officer’s, saying, ''It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.''
And the Officer’s spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, ''It contains that which aids growth, and it is very strong.''
And the Officer’s went unto the 1st Lt, saying unto them, ''It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.''
And the 1st Lt went unto the Captain, saying unto him, ''This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the ship, with powerful effects.''
And the Captain looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that is how $hit happens

Tinman507

11-26-2017, 06:36 AM

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=15059&stc=1

jeepster09

11-26-2017, 05:39 PM

Navy Cooks
An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia."
Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that's the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."