December delights!

[340pd]

My wife wanted a Christmas tree in every room of the house but I said nah that's overkill, so we compromised and now there is a Christmas tree in every room.

[Bawanna]

Ain't that the gospel truth! Compromise.

I'm in the middle of a kitchen remodel. Stayed home yesterday to received delivery of the new cabinets. Didn't do a thing watching for the truck so I wouldn't miss it. Supposed to arrive around 2. About 12:30 I get a text from wife wanting to know how they look? Told her ain't seen them yet.
Few minutes later she text back, nobody was home so they left!!!!!!! Now can't deliver till next Thursday!
Back to sleeping with a steel garbage can over my head so she can't access my throat while I try to sleep......

I told her wait till after new years, I told her not to tear out the old until the new are on site. I told her I can't do it we'll need help, I'm a derelict.
So all the old (except the sink base and dishwasher) are tore out.

Guess we compromised.

Remember a home remodel is one of the 5 top leading causes of divorce. I used to be a contractor, I know this to be true.

[berettabone]

You can always tell a wife, but you can't tell them much..............................

[Armybrat]

https://cached-assets.patriotpost.us/images/2016-10-27-095d9928_fixed.jpg

[ltxi]

Ain't that the gospel truth! Compromise.

I'm in the middle of a kitchen remodel. Stayed home yesterday to received delivery of the new cabinets. Didn't do a thing watching for the truck so I wouldn't miss it. Supposed to arrive around 2. About 12:30 I get a text from wife wanting to know how they look? Told her ain't seen them yet.
Few minutes later she text back, nobody was home so they left!!!!!!! Now can't deliver till next Thursday!
Back to sleeping with a steel garbage can over my head so she can't access my throat while I try to sleep......

I told her wait till after new years, I told her not to tear out the old until the new are on site. I told her I can't do it we'll need help, I'm a derelict.
So all the old (except the sink base and dishwasher) are tore out.

Guess we compromised.

Remember a home remodel is one of the 5 top leading causes of divorce. I used to be a contractor, I know this to be true.



Well, hell....I like stories like this. Makes me happy all I gots to deal with is cancer. :)

[OldLincoln]

It must be a woman thing. We used to move a lot and consistently, the kitchen got packed up first, a couple weeks before the move. No biggie though, still happy after 51 years and I learned not to sweat the small stuff and whatever she wants is small stuff.

[mr surveyor]

It must be a woman thing. We used to move a lot and consistently, the kitchen got packed up first, a couple weeks before the move. No biggie though, still happy after 51 years and I learned not to sweat the small stuff and whatever she wants is small stuff.

after 45 years I've finally learned "don't sweat the small stuff, and don't pet the sweaty stuff" ..... it's paid off (I think) ....

jd

[ltxi]

after 45 years I've finally learned "don't sweat the small stuff, and don't pet the sweaty stuff" ..... it's paid off (I think) ....

jd

I dunno. I've found they generally like to be petted after done being made sweaty.

[Bawanna]

I don't know nothing much about all that.

[ltxi]

I don't know nothing much about all that.

Poor soul.....

[jeepster09]

Things to think about.
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, but, not to cause any trouble, shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body...
men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us”
If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.
I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

__________________

[jeepster09]

The Blind Guy....


A blind guy sits down in a diner and says to the waiter, "I'm sorry, but I’m blind and I can't read the menu. So just bring me a dirty fork, I'll smell it, and order from there."

The waiter picks up a greasy fork, and hands it to the blind guy. The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, breathes deep, and says, "Ah...that's what I'll have...meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

The waiter can't believe it, and he goes and tells his wife, Betty, who's the cook.

The next day the blind guy walks in and the waiter says, "I'll get you a dirty fork." He gets a dirty fork, hands it to the blind guy, the blind guy smells it, and says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

The waiter thinks the blind guy is bullshitting with him, so the next day when the blind guy walks in, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife, "Betty, rub this fork on your crotch." She does it, and then he goes out and hands it to the blind guy.

The blind guy puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, “Are you kidding me? I didn't know Betty worked here!"

[jeepster09]

Definition off Handsome.....

[340pd]

A friend’s wife used to complain about the weight of her gun. He told her if she lost ten pounds that she could probably carry two guns. It only took a few days for the swelling around his eyes to go down and he could see things more clearly.

[Armybrat]

I'm getting the Christmas feeling now....

http://media.giphy.com/media/yQG00i9aTXzws/giphy.gif

[GROTMAN]

December delights for sure. No matter what itxi says 😉

[ltxi]

December delights for sure. No matter what itxi says 😉

Well, crap 45 minutes earlier......

Nonetheless...Boobs are way too big.

[Armybrat]

Picky picky....

[Bawanna]

Not me, no sir, not picky. Can't make up my mind which one I like best. I'll keep watching and try to figure it out.

[b4uqzme]

^^^ I was gonna post a joke but... I got distracted...

[b4uqzme]

Oh yeah. I remember. Dad told me once why he and mom only had 3 of us kids. They read that every fourth child born in the world is Chinese.

[Ikeo74]

Real ones don't bounce like that, it didn't take me long to check them out. Fake News.......Fake Boobs.

[b4uqzme]

^^^ Snopes for boobs? Snoobes?

[ltxi]

Real ones don't bounce like that, it didn't take me long to check them out. Fake News.......Fake Boobs.

Exactly...Silly Putty Slinkys, even without skin over them, have never held much attraction fer me.

[GROTMAN]

Maybe we should start a poll. Girl on the right i vote fake. Girl on the left looks pretty natural to my eyes.😆

[Bawanna]

I notice the one on the right has a shinier bell, does that have anything to do with it.

What do non fake ones do besides bounce. Have to hold em up to fasten your belt?

I'm really not an authority on mammary glands. I know what I like and these two bell ringers, well......................stop digging bawanna, your done for.

I can see it now, bawanna your fired from moderation cause your wondering if you groped somebody in an earlier life..................I sure don't remember........

[jeepster09]

Oooops...

[ltxi]

I notice the one on the right has a shinier bell, does that have anything to do with it.

What do non fake ones do besides bounce. Have to hold em up to fasten your belt?

I'm really not an authority on mammary glands. I know what I like and these two bell ringers, well......................stop digging bawanna, your done for.

I can see it now, bawanna your fired from moderation cause your wondering if you groped somebody in an earlier life..................I sure don't remember........


You mispeeld "you're".

[Armybrat]

How's about a couple more chicks?

http://thumbs.gfycat.com/BlondTimelyBirdofparadise-size_restricted.gif

[Bobshouse]

How's about a couple more chicks?

http://thumbs.gfycat.com/BlondTimelyBirdofparadise-size_restricted.gif

You didn't get the one where she turns around and she has dribbling all down her back from the chicken....lol

[ltxi]

How's about a couple more chicks?



Now that...I'm good with!

[jeepster09]

Is this sexual harassment?? :^}
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, ​ ​inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy..

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget............... "

[jeepster09]

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."

[jeepster09]

3 ways to fail a sobriety test....


https://www.dropbox.com/s/8ux5roqq385jv4d/3WaysToFailASobrietyTest-1.mp4?dl=0

[kenemoore]

Good ones Jeepster

[jeepster09]

Permit...

[Ikeo74]

Punography

https://scontent.ffar1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1013776_741090435931363_91099889_n.jpg?oh=5a6b7bae 8ba99273fcd366f1b3d792dd&oe=5ABFC481

[Tinman507]

https://i.imgflip.com/1gfrgs.jpg

[kenemoore]

I'm totally devastated. https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/fcb/1/16/1f641.png:(
A very sad day. I just learned that after five grueling years of medical school, years of interning and slogging away putting in those long, unsociable hours, a very good friend of mine was fired from his profession due to one minor indiscretion. One small error of judgement in a brief moment. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a shameful waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

[340pd]

Disappointing Christmas.


I asked my wife for a p***s enlarger for Christmas.


She gave me a magnifying glass.

[Bobshouse]

Disappointing Christmas.


I asked my wife for a p***s enlarger for Christmas.


She gave me a magnifying glass. Count your blessings, the low back pain from all the weight isn't worth it.

[340pd]

Count your blessings, the low back pain from all the weight isn't worth it.

We REALLY need a "like" button.

[ltxi]

X2..

[jeepster09]

Ok....