January Jocularity

[Armybrat]

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."
So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[jeepster09]

Nice Beaver!

[jeepster09]

I’ll bet you appreciate the back-up-sensor in your car. Therefore, I thought you might enjoy knowing a little history of its invention.
Read below:
Lots of the newer cars have a Back-Up Sensor that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.
Who invented the backup sensor? I bet you think it was Ford, maybe GM, how about Chrysler, No, then how about Mercedes Benz?
Or possibly the French or Italians.No! It was a Chinese farmer!
Surprisingly it was not developed by modern automotive engineers using the latest technology.
It was disclosed recently that the first to develop the Back-Up-Sensor was a Chinese Farmer.
His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitch sound just before the vehicle backs into something.
Here's his first prototype...
https://cimg7.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/960x720/80-1414645187530_4b6c60a648d9d58199b6b0f9c1cb31362dcf 5389.jpeg

[GLOCKROCKER]

Damn I could feed the whole neighborhood Appalachian Oysters with that set!

[jeepster09]

Shoot or don't shoot?
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".

"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".

"HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.."

"HE paid for your Football season tickets.."

"HE paid for our house at the lake."

"HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4."

"HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues."

"And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold"

[jeepster09]

https://cimg2.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/358x482/80-capture_626e61394b128b4666097069ba40d1ccba2134c3.p ng

[jeepster09]

https://www.dropbox.com/s/aso8okwlsmw5wn7/MakinSomethingGreat.mp4?dl=0

[GLOCKROCKER]

A man's got to have priorities.

[TXscooterguy]

Last night I heard a guy at the bar talking with his nephew. He told him about the dog that never looked as he crossed the railroad track. As the locomotive sped by it nipped the end of its tail. The dog turned to check out what happened and the wheel of the boxcar caught him by the neck. His point: If you're not careful, you can lose your head while looking for a little piece of tail.

[jeepster09]

https://78.media.tumblr.com/515415ae0f57f34f6399ab11b56221b3/tumblr_p28t38EmLf1v1frjoo1_400.gif

[Bawanna]

That's good! I'll be that guy swears off shooting refrigerators ever again.

[yqtszhj]

I thought this was funny.

The Universal Hot/Crazy Matrix.

https://youtu.be/vwbKYcBdVyk

[jeepster09]

You a pilot?
You a Pilot?

You have lived to be damn near 80, and think you know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks,
still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A few minutes later, a young man sat down on the other side
of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[Bawanna]

Oh you killed me with that one Jeepster. I just found out I'm a lesbian too. Who knew?

[kenemoore]

Jeepster, that was great. Almost snorted my coffee.

[340pd]

I know it's late notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis at the new U. S. Bank Stadium on Sunday, February 4th. They are box seats and he paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar tab and a pass to the winners locker room after the game. What he didn't realize when he bought them last year was that it's on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St. Paul's Catholic Church at 3 p.m. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck. She'll be the one in the white dress.

[jeepster09]

You had me at first....good one!

[Armybrat]

This ain't so jocular...

Moved the mercury thermometer off the covered patio out into the middle of the yard this morning. It read "8"..... as in eight (ocho)!
My nads appear to have ascended, never to be seen again! :eek:

The coldest ever recorded temperature in Austin was in 1949 - it was -2 f.

[jeepster09]

What only minus 2! That's balmy nice :target:

[ltxi]

This ain't so jocular...

Moved the mercury thermometer off the covered patio out into the middle of the yard this morning. It read "8"..... as in eight (ocho)!
My nads appear to have ascended, never to be seen again! :eek:

The coldest ever recorded temperature in Austin was in 1949 - it was -2 f.

Yesterday when i went to pick up bagels, wearing running shorts, at six am it was zero degrees F. But ya' know, here it's a dry cold.

[Bawanna]

I feel blessed we had a nice dry weekend probably close to 50's. Now we're getting our usual rain but at least it's still in the 50's. No snow and ice.
I'm happy. Here it's a wet cold, or a wet warm.

[wyntrout]

My son was getting married Saturday the 13th in Delaware, OH at 5PM. Because of the bad weather forecast for our arrival, Wifey and I left Jacksonville a little earlier than planned... Wednesday at 10:14 PM and arrived about 11:20PM Thursday, spent the night in our comfy van in the Hollywood Casino parking garage in Columbus after a few hours of slots. I looked for casinos online and found they had a few, so we chose the biggest and best.
We beat Winter Storm Hunter to Columbus, OH, to be there for my son's wedding on Saturday. We did see 3 degrees or less Saturday morning and had quite a bit of snow and ice, but it didn't take long to clear it from my van. And then I got to play with my 2005 GMC AWD Savana Van in the parking lot in front of our hotel... did lots of slides and drifting... great fun and practice in the snow and ice. :) My son got married and we did lots of dining out the whole time and a bit of shopping and left Monday morning and beat Winter Storm Inga's arrival. We had clear roads and sunshine after West Virginia and a decent night's rest in a rest area in North Carolina... temperature in the 20's, but we had blankets and sleeping bags on the bed frame I built for the van. We had fresh coffee, too, unlimited as I added an automatic switch for charging the auxiliary battery for the inverter and Keurig Coffeemaker... Starbucks anytime. :)
Friday, after we got there, I got to shoot with my son at the Black Wing Shooting Center... used my EDC the black P40 with a ported barrel. My son used his Glock 22, a used police trade-in. We had a good time and the guys there were great. Wifey and my son's bride-to-be went shopping while we shot our pistols.
It was a quick trip and we were glad to get back home and miss all of the bad weather on the road... saw lots of bad accidents on the other side of the road. We really lucked out with the weather and it was clear and sunny but warmer as we drove on back to Jacksonville in NE FL, getting home about 2:30PM on Tuesday.

[Armybrat]

Congratulations on the occasion of your son's wedding!

Sounds like a fun road trip and a good time was had by all.

[jeepster09]

Aging Gracefully?
This is appropriate for people like us that are still young for our age!

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's rear end anymore.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so. Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

[GROTMAN]

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

__________________________________________________ __________

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One
of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic
in bed."

That's Advertising.
__________________________________________________ __________

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.
__________________________________________________ __________

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him
and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie,
brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.
__________________________________________________ __________

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.
__________________________________________________ __________

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk
him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.
__________________________________________________ __________

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.
__________________________________________________ __________

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of
one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm
fantastic in bed!"

That's Facebook.
__________________________________________________ __________

* You are at a party; this old man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

That's Bill Clinton
__________________________________________________ __________

* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you
were offended and you are awarded a settlement.

That's America

[Ken L]

IRONY

The judges who said that we don't need to stand up for the National Anthem expect us to stand up when they enter the courtroom. What do you suppose they would do if they came into the courtroom and everyone "took a knee"? Just sayin'......

[Ikeo74]

That needs to happen, take a Knee when the court clerk says "all rise", that would be really funny.