Fantastic February...

[jeepster09]

Sperm Donor
85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

[jeepster09]

https://cimg7.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/634x960/80-img_0500_11509a8c47712922a22aa3b81f1fb8ba258f25f8. jpg

[jeepster09]

How to decide whom to marry (written by kids)
1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (Love her)

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is .......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

__________________

[TXscooterguy]

A very sad day today. I come with a heavy heart to tell you all that after seventeen years of experience in the medical field and a lot of hard work, a dear friend of mine Jacob was fired after sleeping with one of his clients and now can no longer work in his profession and is possibly facing charges.

Guys you have to focus on the prize. Do not throw your life away. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This is a real shame because he is very nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.

[Tinman507]

https://scontent-lga3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/27332666_1230835840382999_7190263854897566910_n.jp g?oh=26c72fb69dc3ac4cda24c8993c7d465b&oe=5ADAAD63

[GLOCKROCKER]

15293

[dustnchips]

Three women (Jessica engaged, Britney married and Bella is a mistress) are conversation about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. All three buy black leather tight costume, leather brassiere, stiletto heels and black masks for their eyes. After a few days, they meet over lunch to compare notes.
Engaged Jessica says:
The last night when my fiance came over, he found me in the black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He said, “you are the woman of my life. I love you”. Then we made love all night long.
Mistress Bella says:
I met my lover at hotel room and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and I tied my lover’s eyes. When I opened his eyes, he only could looked at me didn’t say a word and we had wild sex all night.
Married Britney says:
I sent the kids to my mother’s house.I excited about having alone time with my husband. Had the lights dim, candles going, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos heels and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as my husband came to the door and saw me and said,”What’s for dinner, BATMAN?

[jeepster09]

The New Old Doctor
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic

He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh ! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.00

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.

[dustnchips]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse than that, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man.
“That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

[jeepster09]

!!!!

[jeepster09]

15293

I see she is now leaving....

[dustnchips]

Young Sheryl brings home her fiance Matt to meet her parents.After a delicious dinner,her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites Matt to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am an Old Testament(Torah) researcher,”he replies.”an Old Testament researcher,interesting.” Sheryl’s father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in,as she’s accustomed to?” “I will study,” Matt replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And kids?” asks the father. “How will you support your kids?” “Don’t worry, sir. God will provide,” replies Matt again.The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions the young idealist insists that ‘God will provide’.
When Matt went, the mother asks,”How did it go,Honey?” The father answers, “He has no job and no plans,but the good new is he thinks ‘I am God’.

[jeepster09]

Dear Abby.....I need help on this question.

[dustnchips]

One day, married Jade who wanted to know how her husband Max would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.
Jade decided to write a letter to her husband.She writes, she is tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore.
After writing the letter, Jade put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pencil and added something to the letter.
Then Max started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He took his phone and dialed a number.
His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.
“Hey babe, ready, I’m just changing clothes then will join you,” he said.
“As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!”
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary eyes, she read: “I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to supermarket for buy milk and bread .”

[jeepster09]

One day, married Jade who wanted to know how her husband Max would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.
Jade decided to write a letter to her husband.She writes, she is tired of him and didn’t want to live with him anymore.
After writing the letter, Jade put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pencil and added something to the letter.
Then Max started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He took his phone and dialed a number.
His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.
“Hey babe, ready, I’m just changing clothes then will join you,” he said.
“As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!”
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.
Through teary eyes, she read: “I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to supermarket for buy milk and bread .”

Nobody said tall blondes were good at hiding :=]

[ltxi]

She isn't tall and isn't a blonde.
-- Max

[kenemoore]

Borrowed this one from an Old Salt Site I visit.


THE MASTER CHIEF AND THE EMAIL!
A Master Chief and his wife stationed at Naval Air Station, Brunswick, Maine decided to go on leave to Florida in January to get out of the cold.
They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the Master Chief left Brunswick and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.
The Master Chief checked into the hotel.
There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife to let her know that he arrived safely.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Kansas, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted!
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the email on the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.


P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[jeepster09]

Lol...good one!

[jeepster09]

New No Trespassing Sign ....seems to be working!

[340pd]

Here's another example of the witch hunt caused by the flood of sexual abuse allegations:

I just read of a professional, who after 7 yrs of medical school and training, was fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans. This just goes to show you, one minor mistake can ruin your life.









Thoughts and prayers for him and his family. The article says he really is a great guy and a brilliant "veterinarian" !

[dustnchips]

One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, “Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”
The mother responds, “Very good honey.” The blonde asks, “Is that because I’m a blonde mommy?” And the mother responds, “Yes dear.”
Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”
The mother says, “Very good honey.” The blonde then asked. “Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?” The mother responds, “Yes dear.”
The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde, Mommy?”
 And the mother responds, “No Honey, it’s because you’re twenty five.”



During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”
Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.”

[dustnchips]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.
‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!

[dustnchips]

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death.
One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?� And the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.�

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/27857906_1732936690107306_8412052316950032449_n.jp g?oh=1f4296ade2d059a74315676c0fe8ca92&oe=5B20C166

[wyntrout]

Check out the preceding photo.

[wyntrout]

A close up.

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28056772_1732936676773974_591602507994579578_n.jpg ?oh=5c1c0e01aaa3eca729526421a499154c&oe=5B0D4627

[mr surveyor]

looks like my (actually my wife's) cat :)


jd

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/27973167_1838397566181768_7180277331956575565_n.jp g?oh=95cc867089f29cda8a85d0ae2f2bbd59&oe=5B174506

[340pd]

Speaking of cats,

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less Valentine panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

[wyntrout]

A lesser known work of Norman Rockwell... "Cat Prevents Housefire".

[340pd]

President Trump gets a late night phone call

https://4.bp.blogspot.com/--jVVOMXcG44/WYC5IX_iejI/AAAAAAAAt7M/Jb2YKTM4LlgKpeJFfRMhECngOhdnWFFOwCLcBGAs/s1600/HilCall1.jpg
https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-e41y_PabqJ4/WYC5XpU_4QI/AAAAAAAAt7Q/ZSvQlZrcjPYe1vaseLbmVllvh4CknMbXgCLcBGAs/s1600/maxresdefault2.jpg
https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yyb_UPq9ZLU/WYC5gsq7zQI/AAAAAAAAt7U/VLdmj4DMJJcatG0IFtXalSn5ywOqm6n4gCLcBGAs/s1600/Hilcal3.jpg

[Bawanna]

I love that so much!

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/27972980_1922816857729701_4606642443316388813_n.jp g?oh=5e7ca815fa2cc3f77a2bd3923cc7ff76&oe=5B1AEB42

[ltxi]

I love that so much!

x2...

[dustnchips]

A young couple Cynthia and Scott were on their honeymoon and were staying at a five-star hotel with a large swimming pool. They decided to go for a swim, and Cynthia donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased. As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon noticed that the bikini was to large, and the top and bottom kept coming off. As they were the only ones in the pool, Cynthia and Scott would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed swell for dinner and headed to their hotel’s stylish restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium. Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the Cynthia asked their waitress why the aquarium had no fish in it, she smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium young lady…that’s the swimming pool!”

[dustnchips]

In the week before Independence Day, Rico, an extremely poor farmer won the sweepstakes. (a million dollar) So to celebrate, he treated his wife and their children to a trip to see the Labor Day parade in New York.
He booked them rooms in the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North. They’d never been to anywhere like New York before, in fact they’d never traveled further afield than their town, so when they got there they were completely bowled over by all the glitz, glamor and excitement of the “Big Apple”.
Rico and his son Saul were particularly mesmerized by a shiny box with golden walls in the hotel reception. They’d never before come across doors that could move apart, and then automatically close again, as neither had seen a lift before. So they were totally amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the doors closed on her. The lights on the wall by the doors flashed for a minute or so, then the doors opened and out stepped a hot young woman.
Rico turned to Saul and said, “Son, go get your mother.”

[wyntrout]

Did you know?

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/12088516_556474504500154_2506858824528103779_n.jpg ?oh=441e74dbd3f6c5581562afa21c2bd6d5&oe=5B179C6F

[jeepster09]

Suddenly, a cow runs out onto the road, and a limo driving late at
night, hits it head on, and the car comes to a stop. The woman in the
back seat, in her usual abrasive manner, says to the Chauffeur, "You
get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is
dead, but it appeared to be very old. Well, says the bitchy woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over
there."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full
belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face.
"My God, what happened to you?" asks the nasty woman.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king,
and the daughter made love to me."
"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman.

Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them,
"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."

[jeepster09]

While riding my bike yesterday, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."

[Armybrat]

Jocko?

[Armybrat]

For some odd reason I have the strong urge to munch on a burger...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sc9Kd6IdQn0

[jeepster09]

That's what I was thinking...

[jeepster09]

The Preacher's Son
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time
the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. One day,
while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment.

He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible
2. A silver dollar
3. A bottle of whiskey
4. A Playboy magazine.

“I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself.
"When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he
picks up.”

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man and that
would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken
bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.


“And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a
skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as
he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy
tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he
walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the
magazine's centerfold.

“Lord have mercy," the old preacher whispered. "He's gonna run for
Congress.”

[Armybrat]

^^^ Oh so accurate! :D

[dustnchips]

Florencia who plays cards once a month with a desperate group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1 AM.
One night, after the card game she decided to try not to arouse him. Florencia undressed in the living room and, handbag over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom – only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
“Damn it woman!” he screamed. “Did you lose everything !?”

[dustnchips]

“Hello?”, “Hi sweety. This is Daddy.Could you give the phone to your Mommy if she is near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ben.”
After a short pause, Daddy says, “But sweety, you haven’t got an Uncle Ben.”
“Oh yes I have and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
Short Pause,again. “Ah umm, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”She says.
“And what happened sweety?”Daddy asked.
Well, Mommy screamed, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around. Then she tripped over the carpet, hit her head on the console and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Jesus Christ! What about your Uncle Ben?”
“He jumped out of the bed all naked, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the floor of the pool and I think he does not breath now.”
Silence…Silence…Silence for a long time…
Then Daddy says,
“Swimming pool? Is this 356-8769?”

[dustnchips]

A man escapes from the jail where he has been for fourteen years.
He breaks into a house to look for food,clothes,money,car and maybe guns.He goes to the bedroom and finds a new married young couple in bed.
He shouts to the young husband out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While convict is in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen honey, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his weird face and clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and has not seen a woman for years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t fight back, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.This man is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us.Be strong darling.I love you.”
After that his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was a gay, thought you were nice and cute, and asked me if we had any moisturizer or vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong darling.I love you too!”

[kenemoore]

^^Good ones!

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28379550_1932740330070687_3221852534359008353_n.jp g?oh=c26dea1b1eeb4bdcd30951f6687b9e3e&oe=5B45DA73

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28379364_1932557843422269_533299842629007191_n.jpg ?oh=97bf43e2b338ed7b25f11ea48e5ade48&oe=5B4876F2

[wyntrout]

Ha! Ha! So funny! :D

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28379571_1931977180147002_4886561033874880421_n.jp g?oh=4837351f6939986b261e4d586ef383f1&oe=5B0EE023

[dustnchips]

The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“James,” the new seaman answered.
“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”
“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”
“Now,what’s your last name?”
The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”
“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

[dustnchips]

An older couple Olivia and Percival,who were both widowed,had been going out with each other for long years.Urged on by their friends,our couple decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding day,they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.They discussed finances,living arrangements,and so on.Finally, the old gentleman Percival decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
“How do you feel about sex?” he asked,rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently “, Olivia replied. Percival sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses,scratched his jaw then leaned over towards her and whispered,“Is that one word or two?”

[dustnchips]

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, �Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.�
�I still don’t get it� responded the Little Johnny.
�Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,� said the dad.
�Okay then…good night� said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, �OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of ****!�

[Bawanna]

Aw, you killed me with that one.........

[dustnchips]

A big city doctor visits an Indian tribe full of men, he asks “How do you guys relieve your s.xual tension?�
“Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we’ll show you.�
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says “Since you’re our guest you get to go first.�
The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have s.x with the donkey. Then a man in the group asks: “Are you almost done Doc?�
“We need the donkey to cross the river in order to get to the tribe of women.�

[jeepster09]

I think Jocko is back...I need his spell checker to read? :yo: