May the 4th be with you

[wyntrout]

Heathrow AP:

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/31914139_2004267912917928_6881005828346740736_n.jp g?_nc_cat=0&oh=fad40ac0b7ee8195bd8d3d2f965761bb&oe=5B52851E

[kenemoore]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.
“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

[Bawanna]

Didn't see that one a comin.!

[CCHGN]

A guy walks into a bar, "Bartender, set me up with 10 shots of your best Whiskey!" Bartender sets them up, the guy starts slammin' them, one right after another. "Man, you're hittin' them pretty hard," said the bartender. "You would too if you had what I had!" Bartender backs up, "Whoa, wait a minute, what do you have?" "50 cents!"

[kenemoore]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

[CCHGN]

Man I wish there was "like" buttons here....lol

[mr surveyor]

Fourth? ..... I'd rather have a "Fifth"



jd

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32162816_971335266376931_5741218750342889472_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=0&oh=afc1e2a93918010293bafe6171358932&oe=5B8C9CA7

[ltxi]

Okay...that's really good!

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32446419_228268944421630_5206454536981446656_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=0&oh=2b49de5cd32bb8eb07c95e32960dfbf2&oe=5B985F43

[wyntrout]

MILITARY WISDOM
.
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
.
"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
.
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps
.
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
.
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal
.
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual
.
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. Mac Arthur
.
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal
.
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
.
"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance
.
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal
.
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie
.
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth
.
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal
.
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay.
.
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon
.
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit
.
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies
.
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

[yqtszhj]

This is my 11 year old British nephews real email to his teacher regarding weekend homework. They brought it to his parents attention a couple of weeks later. He’s a smart kid and advanced in the sciences and math he loves but doesn’t like history. He also speaks his mind. I had to laugh. Names removed to protect the identity. Enjoy the read.


When your 11 year old son has beef with the School about weekend home learning and decides to email the Head Mistress what he thinks!! This email only came to my attention a few weeks after he sent it!


Dear Ms. Bxxxxxxx,
regarding the weekend home-learning, it is the most futile thing that I have ever come across due to its inefficient use of my, and everyone else's time. My work was apparently insufficient, which is an extremely unethical statement, or an opinion, but as I recall, you said 'give it a go'. I complied and my result was not taken in, which insulted my intelligence, which conveys me on to the fact about you saying that we are (as a year group) are insulting you. This deeply perplexes me. Technically, we are not insulting you, you are the one insulting our efforts and profundity. Suffice to say, what you said was hypocritical. Yes, I understand that by this stage you intend to give me a detention or, perhaps, an isolation only because you cannot accept the fact that what you did was wrong. You may want me to stop being smart, but you intend for your students to be as smart as their Hippocampus and Cerebral Cortex can capacitate and there is no doubt that your school has taught us how to argue. If I recall correctly, which I do because my memory is flawless, you said that the school I go to, NOA, hires the best teacher possible, that is obviously an overstatement since the teacher, who I handed my homework into, neglected to accept my homework, this displeased me in great quantities. History is a non-essential subject to what I intend to be when I'm older. What I want to do when I'm older, I'm already doing (we can discuss that another time if you intend). Despite the fact that this is also a bit off subject, your school enlightens me in either facts that I already know or information that I'll, most likely, never need to use in the future. In short, what you claim to be a school, is merely a school. 'Ethics' is a word meaning what is morally correct or what should be done by the standards of behavior, which I'm sure is important to your school, has been violated numerous times in the duration of three days as you did do what isn't logical. 'Common sense' is something Mr. Taylor discussed in the assembly on Tuesday, however it is not common sense to get, approximately, one hundred and eighty children to do something which will probably not influence that person's life in any way, shape or form. It is sometimes argued that homework is a form child abuse and I do agree in some circumstances. I fail to understand why it is now compulsory, because you said it was optional, then why would you have just made it optional when you expect everyone to do it in the first place.
I give my many apologies that this is five hundred and eighty words long and I will attempt to make it shorter since you probably have work to do unless you prefer it long and my vast range of vocabulary and Year 9 biology terms. I understand the contrary so there is not required that you recount for me for I am fully aware. If you have read this, please respond; I do not Email very frequently.


Best regards,
Year 7 student,
Cxxxxx Axxxxx

[wyntrout]

A tourist walked into a pet store at an overseas Air Force base and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a Chief from Maintenance on the base walked in and said to the shopkeeper,
"I'll take a 933 monkey, please".
The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store, and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the Chief, saying, "That'll be $2,000." The Chief paid, and left with the monkey.
The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a 933 monkey.
He can build pallets of freight, plan aircraft loads, rig loads for airdrops, drive forklifts, type manifests, heat meals for officers, and perform the duties of any flightline traffic tech with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money"
The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage.
"That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?" he asked.
"Oh, that one" replied the shopkeeper. "That's a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, Intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the paperwork.
A very useful monkey indeed"
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag was $50,000.
The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"
"Actually," said the shopkeeper,
"I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his pecker, but his papers say he's a Pilot."

[wyntrout]

The good old days. :)

[dustnchips]

I've always been a fan of a cellophane greeting, but never got one.

[wyntrout]

I've posted this before, but I just have to laugh every time I run across it. :D

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28468537_1746953055372336_643031909567235437_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeHBDYHpyT2FrSJ3g1b5LKaOChlULyZfK9Kt4o_vv ah3ayqPb5g0YxW4X5-5MlYaQ6KlBljIeUEcbsWqcgj42Cp0sCSR9DowRlX8lM9_Y97zI A&oh=fdf739c24cf511a2ed62da4696cb3fef&oe=5B92E9BA

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32413696_10216743859327868_3041141345864384512_n.j pg?_nc_cat=0&oh=424a736170d1e1f189cc1cac6a0e30ef&oe=5B95B064

[wyntrout]

Yow! :D
https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/18193765_1446587955403920_8190939267519783539_n.jp g?_nc_cat=0&oh=3bf40e8bc09af54eb0295b55473f5fd1&oe=5B913268

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32366654_1916051391752774_636739222438412288_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeG4UPdVq027_-5Brx4N_kIMSSkFu_pKDALC-cw_kamIWHr2UQ2vWYooZf8OlaB3S67OQH6iImuQjbb9UTiRakV hJTuDpstCJIuwQuCNK98-vA&oh=1f68aaa5e4f512c7f152372297c7d1fb&oe=5B7E32C5https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32457459_1916051995086047_2193834028820332544_n.jp g?_nc_cat=0&_nc_eui2=AeHT26ns810zhD8cgXb9RMSdBPxaIHNrJxANRiqQD Yx3drdOfzbM_dBs-lVBgDfMfGCdlJF7N050RgUM-Ky5O3ToaflWnLqlmgKaMZblZ4kB4A&oh=9cadbee0508fe63d548b080e189ec690&oe=5B8DCC08

Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State
Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he
asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting,
Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"


"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."



It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed??

[GROTMAN]

Husband and wife...
BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!

Wife - Do you want me to leave?

Husband - No! Don't even think about it.

Wife - Do you love me?

Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!

Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?

Husband - No! Why are you even asking?

Wife - Will you kiss me?

Husband - Every chance I get!

Wife - Will you hit me?

Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!

Wife - Can I trust you?

Husband - Yes.

Wife - Darling!





AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

[jeepster09]

Little Johnny.....

THE POLITE WAY TO PEE

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said: Just a minute I have to go pee.

The teacher responded by saying: That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?

Sherman said: I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. Ill be right back.

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said: I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

The teacher fainted....