August absurdity

[340pd]

15624

[kenemoore]

Deep.....

[AIRret]

My Lord that is ABSOLUTELY great!!!!!!

[340pd]

My sympathy resides with those that live there but,


https://connect.xfinity.com/appsuite/api/mail/1533172143098776130587.jpg?action=attachment&folder=default0%2FSent&id=918428&attachment=3&user=2&context=16273717&decrypt=&sequence=1&delivery=view

[jeepster09]

Absurd you say......

So there's this horse, livin' on a nice little farm in Texas. One day he's eating hay next to the open window and he hears the farmer inside playing some Jimi Hendrix. Now the horse had never heard Jimi before and he's totally enamored. He used to play guitar in college and thinks "ya know what I could probably play a little like that"
So he gets a job on a draft team and saves up enough for a ratty old strat, and after a little practice he's got a pretty nice sound. But, he needs a band. So he goes to his friend the pig, and tells him he wants to start a band. Turns out pig played some funky bass in college, and he's got a little nest egg from a favor he did for a spider. So he gets himself a bass and damn he got flow.
So they jam, and their friend the cow hears and she's like "hey boys, y'all need a drummer? I don't mean to boast but I can play mean cowbell" and oh, oh can she. So they jam around, start playin' gigs as and saving money to get Bessie a proper drum kit. In the mean time they talk to a bunch of farm folk and settle on the ol' hound dog and his baleful howl as their singer. Suddenly, this isn't just a bunch of animals messing around-with a serious kit and some gear underwritten by farmer brown they take their act on tour.
A few YouTube videos, some hype, their talent and human-to-animal controversy and all of a sudden they're a sensation. They go on a late night show and properly blow up. They get a deal to start doing new tunes. They get an albums worth of music for Columbia and a contract that would make them the richest livestock in the world (except the dog, he's still second to Pitbull) Everyone's ecstatic.
Except horse, cause' all this music is poppy garbage and he's not having it. He wants it better, but the record company knows they're a flash in the pan and wants them touring now. Horse decides he's rich enough to not sacrifice his principles and leaves the band.
Unfortunately when he tries to write his own stuff and become a breakout success he's held up by his horse brains. He realizes the band was all he had, but they've already got a randy snow-white stallion ripping it up. He turns where all drop-out musicians do-the sweet embrace of drugs and alcohol. But he keeps his chops up, hoping one day they'll call him back for a reunion tour.
A few months later he's stumbling out of his south beach condo and sees a headline. "Terrible alps crash ends promising career of farm animal music act." Shock. Disgust. Self loathing, all washing over him like a waterfall. It's over, his dreams in tatters. What's left? Every friend he ever had was scattered over an impassible slope. And the worst part? They never knew how he really felt about them.
He made the choice in his greasy bathrobe standing on his stoop. Walked to a drugstore barefoot, refilled his Xylazine prescription. Stumbled into an all-day liquor store and bought a pint of Glengolye black label. Sitting on a bench near the water, he swallows the whole bottle and washes it down with the whisky. He stumbles in a haze to his favorite haunt, 24 hour bar called Mike's place. He's fading as he walks in, stoping at the jukebox to put on "little wing" before collapsing at the bar.
The bartender looks at the bedraggled guitarist before him and says "hey, why the long face?"..............................

[jeepster09]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[jeepster09]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Jocko."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

[jeepster09]

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

[jeepster09]

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

[jeepster09]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

[gale155]

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
***********

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
**********

I was telling a woman in the VFW about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the a$$, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
**********

I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but..
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?

[wyntrout]

I remember this one, but here it is again. I just edited this because the relevant word was censored!

Frank's skrotum



The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife........

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his skrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.

"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's skrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his skrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is 'sternum'."

[AJBert]

This is a little late but...

I had no clue farm animals went to college! Guess you really do learn something new every day!

[jeepster09]

Police Work





Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
Recently, a female Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?’
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? **** ... Is it midnight already?'”
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.

































































The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best comeback line ever."

[kenemoore]

A guy goes into his Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for a tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you
have got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am. Plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in your coming in for that."

[jeepster09]

Finally the time has come...
Men parking with grill permission....


https://cimg7.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/223x250/maennerparkplatz_e28b3d313b51f936a04c033c3f2d596fd 6544bea.jpg

[ltxi]

....:)

[jeepster09]

Campaign season....:Amflag2:

[jeepster09]

Heartwarming Attorney Story....Finally.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding along in his big limousine. When he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass ?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you
can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there eating grass under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the second poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The other man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and
six children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied,"Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on . . . did you really think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story?

[340pd]

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said,'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

[jeepster09]

Jocko joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He got sent to Bragg and went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an actual airplane. The next day, he called me at my base to tell me the news.

"So, did you jump?" I asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the ramp and asked for volunteers. About a dozen dudes got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" I asked him.

"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other guys one at a time and throw them out the door."

I asked, "Did you jump then?"

"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the strut and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big mean looking guy, about six-foot five, and 260 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master unbuttoned his drawers and pulled his dong out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as my forearm! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm ramming this black mambo right up your a$$.'"

"So, did you jump?" I asked yet again.

"Well, a little, at first."

[kenemoore]

Oh Jeepster, tsk tsk tsk. I did laugh though.

[jeepster09]

Hmmm Service? :yo:

[ltxi]

Well...I spent most all of my adult life in Federal "Service". National defense. Both military and then later continuing as a civilian. I always viewed it as an honorable profession, devoted to preventing us all from becoming subject to that sort of thing.

[jeepster09]

Why Millennials don't ride motorcycles
Here are the reasons why Millennials don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6 Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.

7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 12 years in college trying to get educated.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20 It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

[wyntrout]

Dallas TX(AP) - A 7 year old boy was at the center of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged the court’s ruling of who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and was initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beats him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he should live with his grandparents, the boy cried and then stated they beat him also.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life for them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.


(Not my opinion... just re-posting. :D )

[Bawanna]

Oh my! I didn't see that one coming.

[Armybrat]

I laughed out loud. Oh so true of the Cowgirls. :D

[Bawanna]

They do have some fine cow girls and I don't think any of their boobs are too big.

[AIRret]

NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE!







































































No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No. Jerry said, She’ s lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don't believe him, he’ s getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ... The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We’ re outta here!

[ltxi]

They do have some fine cow girls and I don't think any of their boobs are too big.

Haven't checked lately so possibly not. Would be nice to see they've come fully to their senses.

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/40567823_1423614581105123_8585882844407005184_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&oh=a38dd6ae9ab577d2e593dc144fcae18e&oe=5C2D06CA

[AIRret]

Funny....WOW, I'll have to forward that one!

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/40772584_764604340553667_5041245484614680576_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=0&oh=cb23d0525be05a5a0678eed4a9c46767&oe=5BF5DE2E

[Bawanna]

I got's to know.......

[340pd]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/40772584_764604340553667_5041245484614680576_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=0&oh=cb23d0525be05a5a0678eed4a9c46767&oe=5BF5DE2E

A++++

[Bawanna]

I don't get it? Is this an easy thing? What am I missing here.

[kenemoore]

Look at #2's knees.

[ltxi]

I don't get it? Is this an easy thing? What am I missing here.

Good Lord! I be worried 'bout you now.

[Bawanna]

Thank goodness, I saw it this time, I thought the boobs were too big or something.

[wyntrout]

ONE of the first things I notice are ladies' legs. :)

[dustnchips]

I thin whoever's knees are the reddest after the interview will get the job

[ltxi]

Thank goodness, I saw it this time, I thought the boobs were too big or something.

Now, I'm really worried about you.

[Bawanna]

Don't worry none about me, I been like this my whole life. No explanation.

[Armybrat]

Thank goodness, I saw it this time, I thought the boobs were too big or something.Colonel, you be slippin’

[Bawanna]

You, you, you mean my cheese might have slipped off my *******?

[Bobshouse]

You, you, you mean my cheese might have slipped off my *******?

So the board censors SANDWICH?

[kenemoore]

So the board censors SANDWICH?

Might have been bun.


Well bun and sandwich both get through, must have been something naughtier.

[Bawanna]

It was like Graham ________. I'd forgotten the word police didn't like it.

Ironic is a word they use for white folks too. Dang it, now I'm offended myself.

[ltxi]

I thought mebbe ***** until I done seen there was more letters.