September silliness

[340pd]

It had been snowing all night, so....

8:00 am I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it
could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot
nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa.

8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

8:42 The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.


8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women? I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything, are marching down
the street demanding for me to be beheaded.

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the world in which we live today and it’s going to get worse.

[jeepster09]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/1002677_571308933014351_1486640559457484045_n.jpg? _nc_cat=1&oh=deca4948298d927a59f367b3ba7cefd1&oe=5C290B5B

That site is really funny! https://grogcomics.com/

[wyntrout]

Laid Off




Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation Paddy answered, "Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies’ knickers and thongs."


The clerk looked up "Knicker Stitcher" on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.


Mick was next in line and when asked his occupation, he replied, "Diesel Fitter." Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.


When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."


"What skill?" yelled Paddy. "I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts ‘em over his head and says: ‘Yep, dees'll fit 'er.’

[Ed M]

15694

[jeepster09]

Blonde Mortician

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the blonde mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied... You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[jeepster09]

https://cimg6.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.hdforums.com-vbulletin/529x800/13ac9653_3578_4f49_8f58_15b00a50aa2d_8e970005d7745 603a093e9a79257e039721294df.jpeg

[Bawanna]

Now that's smart thinking right there by golly.

[AJBert]

I would have to duct tape a couple or three 30 pack boxes together for my dog. I'd need a bit more money!

[340pd]

15698

[340pd]

15699

[Armybrat]

http://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/8b35d8596008d153f5f824f3d1010ebdbc8952456a4fdc92c1 5d306a3c86a8a7.jpg?w=480&h=465

[Ken L]

^^truth right there.

[Bawanna]

15699

What is that, I can't make the picture bigger to see. Doobies, straws, dang I hate to look dumb but I gots to know, ya know?

[AJBert]

Straws

[Bobshouse]

Straws! OMG, I would of posted that one anonymously. There gonna come for you now!

[Bawanna]

Yup, it's all over for us. I think there's black helicopters hovering over the house just for looking at that picture.

[Armybrat]

On a lighter note - 'tis Autumn now....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQVxE0Q9VrQ

[Armybrat]

Car wash scene in Bandera, Texas...

http://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42094477_1440472469430281_3532519947085283328_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&oh=6c5116272dc98ec7f71a8ff1a0ff7136&oe=5C1A77B0

[Armybrat]

Not so silly - bakin' a batch of chocolate chip & pecan cookies for tomorrow's foobaw tailgate....

https://image.ibb.co/dxudSK/D59_D15_A0_EA68_41_E1_99_DB_5_D7_A6009476_F.jpg

[Bawanna]

Chocolate Chip and pecan, never heard of that, but sounds mighty fine.

[wyntrout]

Always keep your eyes open for opportunities.... there was the time......................
I was driving down a lonely and remote Texas road on a cold winter day when it began to snow pretty heavily.
My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea.
I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes.
I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine.


https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42478975_10213695787293139_899841054906253312_n.jp g?_nc_cat=0&oh=6bd5579e1b62f8f5c2fad899f45e44ee&oe=5C1E1CA7 Of course, that's because they were .......wind-chilled vipers. https://static.xx.fbcdn.net/images/emoji.php/v9/f6/1.5/16/1f632.png

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42402409_10212992744237725_8245589836765855744_n.j pg?_nc_cat=0&oh=fca6a850c8f47267a8f08d8273d2fb46&oe=5C1C9753

[wyntrout]

Monday night, Boudreaux put his lil’ 3 year old daughter Clotile to bed, tole her a story and listened to her prayers – an’ what she done said was some kinda somethin’…


“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Paw-Paw.”


Perplexed, Boudreaux asked, “Mais cher, how come you say goodbye Paw-Paw?”


The little girl said, “Shoo, I don’t know, Daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do.”


Paw-Paw died on Tuesday morning


You probably ain’t surprised that Boudreaux thought it was a strange coincidence. An’ then four Monday nights later Boudreaux put dat lil’ girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:


“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Maw-Maw.”


Tuesday afternoon, Maw-Maw done died.


“Mais what?” thought Boudreax. “I got me a daughter what’s in contact wit’ dat other side.”


Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:


“God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.”


Dat done gave Boudreaux a good case o’ de frissons. He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, and Boudreaux breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife Marie said: “Mais, I never seen you work so late. What’s de matter?”


“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Boudreaux replied. “I done just spent the worst day of my life.”


Marie said, “Mais, you think you had a bad day, you never gon’ believe what happened to me this morning. You know Thibodeaux, de golf pro at de club? Dat po’ man, he dropped dead in the middle of my lesson.”

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42495085_2189181054486656_7383059222889496576_n.jp g?_nc_cat=101&oh=c7af8fd506d640deb7a87f12bf38cae1&oe=5C57DAA6

[wyntrout]

UNDERSTANDING AN ENGINEER 101:


Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42556374_2163035190375414_8998683537183866880_n.jp g?_nc_cat=110&oh=fe7be2fadcaa77763e48f0c0d8bec598&oe=5C5A5AFA

[Armybrat]

Bob Dylan was right - times are a'changin'.....

Saw this at our local main grocery store today:

http://image.ibb.co/iLtJSU/AEFCF73_C_B5_E0_4_F6_E_9_A0_B_867_ADF80_EFE9.jpg

[kenemoore]

A friend of mine from Eastern Washington (who is a farmer and rancher) was telling me,”I recently spent $10,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows and within two days, he mated all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.”

[ltxi]

A friend of mine from Eastern Washington (who is a farmer and rancher) was telling me,”I recently spent $10,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd, but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows and within two days, he mated all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.”

That would be flavored, high dose Viagra. They do that now for marketing to middle and high school kids.