November Nonsense...

[ltxi]

I really don't got nothin' fer this right now. I just, after all these years, wanted to get to name the Monthly thread. :yo:

[Bawanna]

Well done, good name.

[jeepster09]

The Doctors Waiting Room
They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there and you say in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it’s embarrassing.There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room.
As he approached the desk the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctors room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what wrong and I told you,” he said.

The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “you shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out waited several minutes and the re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear , Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.



The waiting room erupted in laughter!!!!!

[jeepster09]

Last night there was an accident out front of my house......

[jeepster09]

Hmmmm....so true!

[Bawanna]

Last night there was an accident out front of my house......



Sorta of looks like the head violet at work on a much smaller scale.

[ltxi]

Sorta of looks like the head violet at work on a much smaller scale.

I feel your pain......:banplease:

[jeepster09]

Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien
addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to
your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were
you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your
leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I
don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared
towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a
burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
big green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, when a guy has a pen!$ he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/45327655_2121555827862792_6820326852511399936_n.jp g?_nc_cat=105&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=0022f89bcabf149040ff61f3d97068fa&oe=5C795572

[jeepster09]

:blushing: .

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/45360653_1935298876519458_8926822742842408960_n.jp g?_nc_cat=109&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=9b020ea9fe0731a42f67530639ad23f0&oe=5C7BCA18

[AIRret]

"As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.



I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.



I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.



The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.



And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.



As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”



Apparently, I’m still lost…"

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/10980767_983429375020254_2091615776076422569_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=101&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=40eb93ac6a80716add82abb4d291b9b9&oe=5C8731B8

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,
the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is
when he gets here, OK?" The rancher leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front
door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he said.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows, and when Amy sees the
nail, she tells him, "This is the one right here."

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, "Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm
dying to know. How would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?"

"That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall," she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, "And what, pray tell, is the nail for?"

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her
shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on,” she replied.

(It's nice to see a blonde winning...once in awhile.)

[jeepster09]

Having mom over for dinner!
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian 's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[jeepster09]

Now you know....

[wyntrout]

Just saw this holiday request on Facebook:

Y'all I seriously have a big favor to ask of everyone... Those of you who are planning to place Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, can you please avoid anything that is red or blue & flashing? Every time I drive by, I think it's the police & have a panic attack. I have to take my foot off the gas, toss my beer, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down & push the gun under the seat. It's too much drama. Thank you for your cooperation & understanding.🎄🎄

[340pd]

A possible solution for border control?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNltR4iCRCA&feature=youtu.be&t=14

[jeepster09]

Beware of Bawanna....
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm old and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

'I was behind you at McDonalds'

[340pd]

For the dog lovers out there.

https://imgur.com/qZbg5R0

[jeepster09]

Wow that was awesome!

[ltxi]

x2....!

[kenemoore]

x3......!!!!

[AIRret]

x4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[jeepster09]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the
call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop
and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the
police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman!'

[jeepster09]

A Lesson In Morals

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

[jeepster09]

Caught drinking again
A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.

“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.”

[kenemoore]

Do you fart in bed?? 😜😜😜
A couple had been happily married for years.
The husband had a habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke and the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
One Thanksgiving day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner while he was upstairs sound asleep. She looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.”
“What do you mean?” asked his wife.
“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened,
but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers.
I think I got most of them back in…….............…..” 😱😱😱

[wyntrout]

Wow! I'll bet there are some of these idiots out there! :eek:

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/46793480_10156512730376355_778843115984257024_n.jp g?_nc_cat=108&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=6c511ebd979d3044073adc29ed889810&oe=5CB1BCF5

[Bawanna]

Definitely not the brightest light in the harbor.

[ltxi]

I like it, Good way to get around airbags save lives for those really needing to be eliminated from the gene pool.

[wyntrout]

I like dry red wines, but this is a thought:

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/46656734_1257882034362553_1780863981188022272_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=2654d9944b30d7a85233b22da476863d&oe=5C7D7F92

[getsome]

Tip of the day......You can't fight Faith and you can't fight Destiny because if you do you will have to fight all the bouncers and the rest of the dancers....

[ltxi]

^^ Me likes this...:)

[getsome]

Tip of the day #2......Always play it safe.......Over the weekend I met some friends at a local sports bar to watch some college football and hang out....Well we had a blast and the pitchers of draft beer just kept on coming and I enjoyed every one but when it came time to leave I realized I was chit faced so I made a wise decision and gave a friend my car keys and decided instead to take a taxi home and boy am I ever glad I did because on the way there was a Police sobriety roadblock set up but when they saw it was a cab they just waived it right on through and I just smiled at the nice officers going by......Anyway long story short, I got home safe and sound and passed out in my own bed and slept like a baby....The problem came in the morning when I was going to go out and get some breakfast and I found a taxi cab in my garage and I have no idea where it came from or how it got there but it's real nice with low miles and if anybody needs to borrow one just send me a PM.......

[ltxi]

You're on a roll, getsome!

[jeepster09]

Oh that was good :=]

[kenemoore]

Once there was a family of moles. There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole one morning and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because its parents blocked its way.
Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

[340pd]

On the light side,
https://imgur.com/B9W5De0

[Bawanna]

Now that's something my grandson would try. He turns 1 next week. Wasn't sure he'd make it. No Fear, loves jumping off stuff regardless of the landing.

[yqtszhj]

On the light side,
https://imgur.com/B9W5De0

Now that right there is teamwork.

[ltxi]

Now that's something my grandson would try. He turns 1 next week. Wasn't sure he'd make it. No Fear, loves jumping off stuff regardless of the landing.

I had a dog like that once.

[Armybrat]

http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20181126/0769e55fae001a171a37882ef3e2aae2.jpg

[jeepster09]

Russian or Redneck
A Russian and a redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.
before the final match, the redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.
he's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
the redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
as the match started, the redneck and the russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
all of a sudden, the russian lunged forward, grabbing the redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
his back hit the mat with a thud and the redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.
when he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
the wrestler answered, "well, i was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, i opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.
i had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength i stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as i could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "that's what finished him off!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

[ltxi]

....and that be the truth! :)

[wyntrout]

http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7990&stc=1&d=1363707220

[kenemoore]

Jeepster, I have learned to not be drinking anything when I read your post. They are snot slingers, and I mean that in a good way.