PDA

View Full Version : HoHoHo....it's December...



jeepster09
12-01-2018, 06:57 AM
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't! .

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

jeepster09
12-01-2018, 01:59 PM
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear”.

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
"They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir”?

jeepster09
12-01-2018, 02:01 PM
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

jeepster09
12-02-2018, 10:24 AM
How to wash a toilet
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

Redfish
12-02-2018, 10:03 PM
[QUOTE=jeepster09;402764]How to wash a toilet

I think I injured myself on that one.

jeepster09
12-03-2018, 06:53 AM
:2eek: Sesame Street of Today......:puke:

Redfish
12-03-2018, 10:29 PM
I believe that the real reason that the chicken crossed the road was to prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

jeepster09
12-06-2018, 06:56 AM
Hollywood Squares:

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it...

Q.. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive,

is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

wyntrout
12-06-2018, 10:26 AM
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.



The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"


Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."


Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."


The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."


Jack took the money.

Ed M
12-06-2018, 03:26 PM
15789

getsome
12-06-2018, 08:35 PM
In order to get a jump on things I've decided to start my new year's resolution early....I'm doing the Jameson's Irish Whiskey diet and so far it's working great, I've lost three whole days already!!!

Redfish
12-07-2018, 02:48 PM
15790

It won't be there for long. Get some quick before the lawyers eat it all.

jeepster09
12-07-2018, 06:50 PM
How peanut butter is made.....:puke:

jeepster09
12-08-2018, 08:36 AM
Winter got you down? Here is a fun new game....

jeepster09
12-08-2018, 07:03 PM
https://www.facebook.com/doug.ibendahl/videos/10156991127308675/?t=9

Bawanna
12-08-2018, 07:24 PM
10 demerits for Jeepster, I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

ltxi
12-09-2018, 06:28 PM
10 demerits for Jeepster, I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Well, I liked it! A match made in hell Love Story.

Bawanna
12-09-2018, 07:34 PM
Ok, only 5 demerits then, I ain't looking again, don't want to throw up a little bit in my mouth again. Gets old ya know?

jeepster09
12-09-2018, 10:21 PM
Well your not alone....

Bawanna
12-10-2018, 09:21 AM
Sheesh, 5 more demerits back. No wieners allowed.

wyntrout
12-10-2018, 10:36 AM
https://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47581149_1991550407811756_6310812919386865664_n.jp g?_nc_cat=108&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=668c00beaa9a3c98161b80901e8d663a&oe=5CA31090
(https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1991550404478423&set=gm.1941980719232542&type=3&eid=ARACV9mK5yCP18y8jXH1amR34s6OlRO3FIvYHvWSujVKG3 DxtOxcj03IDjzhDeo8mgc8DIExD37LU7Kx)

wyntrout
12-10-2018, 02:26 PM
OMG! I just heard about a kid taking one of these to school for a Nativity Scene... his mom bought it on Amazon.com. The school sent him home!
I wonder if Jocko has seen this! :D Warning! Don't click on the Pipedream Product link if you will be offended by "adult" products! :eek: The customer reviews are a hoot, though! :D

Naughty Inflatable Sheep Doll with Backdoor Pleasure Hole - Perfect for a Gag Gift!

by Pipedream Products (https://www.amazon.com/Pipedream-Products/b/ref=bl_dp_s_web_16348761011?ie=UTF8&node=16348761011&field-lbr_brands_browse-bin=Pipedream+Products)


3.5 out of 5 stars 13 customer reviews (https://www.amazon.com/Naughty-Inflatable-Sheep-Backdoor-Pleasure/dp/B00N39DJO4?th=1#customerReviews)



















https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/31GrHzPoRoL.jpg

jeepster09
12-10-2018, 08:28 PM
Demerits...bah humbug....:2eek:

Bawanna
12-10-2018, 09:27 PM
Is that Hil, I can't say it in disguise?

All demerits rescinded. I like that one.

wyntrout
12-11-2018, 11:16 AM
https://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/47689007_10156696153107976_803181359915859968_n.pn g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=6fb6a4e1bdd1806bab88732a738f4334&oe=5CA9DD1E

kenemoore
12-11-2018, 05:31 PM
Bada bing, bada boom.

jeepster09
12-11-2018, 07:25 PM
Confucius Say:
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano,
wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

jeepster09
12-12-2018, 08:37 PM
Anybody for a bus ride.....


https://www.dropbox.com/s/xwzot14m8k05xm8/Mexican%20Bus%20Driver.mp4?dl=0

Bawanna
12-12-2018, 09:37 PM
I didn't see that one a comin.

wyntrout
12-13-2018, 12:37 PM
Insane! :eek:

ltxi
12-13-2018, 06:24 PM
Perfectly describes how I today feel about life! Thank you! :)

jeepster09
12-14-2018, 07:22 PM
Navy Cooks
An admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia."
Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that's the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

jeepster09
12-14-2018, 07:37 PM
I can relate....:nerd:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=157&v=M57__OyMCfI

berettabone
12-15-2018, 04:42 PM
An elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young couple all wanted to join the same church. The pastor met with them and explained, "We have a requirement to join the church. You must abstain from sex for 2 weeks". They all nodded in agreement. 2 weeks later the pastor finds the elderly couple. He inquires, "So, did you abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" "Oh yes", the man said, "It was no trouble". "Wonderful", the pastor said, "you'll be able to join the church". The pastor then tracks down the middle aged couple. "So, did you manage to abstain from sex?" "It was very difficult, and the second week, I had to sleep downstairs all week just to make it, but we were successful". "Wonderful" the pastor exclaimed, "You'll now be able to join the church!" He looks and looks and finally finds the young couple. "So, did you manage to abstain from sex?" The young man says, "We were doing so well the first few days, but then my wife climbed up a ladder to get a can of paint, and I was staring at her @$$ and we just couldn't help ourselves". The pastor says, "that's very disappointing, and you realize that I cannot allow you to join the church". The guy says, Yeah, I know, we're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either".

ltxi
12-15-2018, 07:32 PM
I can relate....:nerd:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=157&v=M57__OyMCfI

Excellent! Thank you!

BirdsThaWord
12-16-2018, 09:05 PM
PLEASE keep them coming fellas! And, thanks for the one’s you’ve already posted!!!

ltxi
12-19-2018, 06:45 PM
Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

Bawanna
12-19-2018, 07:50 PM
Gets what?

ltxi
12-19-2018, 08:09 PM
Gets what?

Exactly....think on it.

And this was not original with me.....I'm not that deep clever.

Also...saw it superimposed over a picture of Stalin, if that helps.

jeepster09
12-20-2018, 06:25 AM
LETTER FROM A FARM KID,
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING.)

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mail box at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.



Your loving daughter,
Caroline

ltxi
12-20-2018, 08:02 PM
Excellent!!

jeepster09
12-22-2018, 06:19 PM
Santa upgrades to meet FAA rules....

ltxi
12-22-2018, 06:42 PM
No worries. Santa normally flies under the radar, at about 500 feet AGL.

getsome
12-26-2018, 05:28 PM
My neighbor Bob from Chicago moved in last summer and lives alone and is a really nice guy...I talked to him several times and found out he is a huge Cubs and Blackhawks fan (I think that's a hockey team whatever that is) anyway since he didn't have anywhere to go or family to be with on Christmas we invited him over to spend the day and have Christmas dinner with us....Everything was going well until he got a couple drinks in him and started on about how much he missed Chicago and how home sick he was for the Windy City and having snow at Christmas and on and on and on....Finally it became too much and I decided to do something to bring a little Chicago to his day so I shot him in the head 3 times, took his wallet and stole his car.....

Bawanna
12-26-2018, 05:56 PM
Another one I didn't see a comin.

AIRret
12-26-2018, 06:34 PM
Thanks for the laughs!!!!!!! You folks have out done yourselves.

ltxi
12-26-2018, 06:38 PM
Nice...

getsome
12-27-2018, 05:26 PM
I stopped by a drug store on the way home last night to pick up a few things and there was nobody up front so I went back to the pharmacy to pay and I noticed a display for a little blue all natural herbal pill guaranteed to work just as well as the real Viagra at 1/10th the price....After the druggist rang me up I asked him if they really worked as advertised and he said, you bet they do and you can't beat the price....I asked him if you could get it over the counter and he said, if I take two of um I can....