January Jollies

[340pd]

340pd to nurse, "When I give blood I don't extract it myself, I expect the nurse to do it for me."

Nurse back to 340pd, "I understand sir but this is a sperm bank, it doesn't work that way."

[jeepster09]

You know you're an EXTREME redneck When...
Not to be Judgemental but . . .

You're An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

18. Popping the hood involves removing at least two bungee cords

[CPTKILLER]

That could fit some counties here in Texas.

[kenemoore]

How do you know your daughter's a redneck?
When she says " Get off me Daddy, you're breaking my cigarettes".

[jeepster09]

Oldie but goodie...


Bear and rabbit talk
A bear was taking a dump when a rabbit passed by.
"Hello Mr Rabbit!" Says the bear.
"Hello to you as well Mr Bear."
" Can I ask you a question Mr Rabbit?" Says the bear.
The rabbit says, "Sure. What's up?"
The bear asks, "Does poo stick to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear picks him up and wipes his butt with him.

[getsome]

A guy walks up to a bar and sits down on a stool next to a blond...On the TV set behind the bar the 6:00 news was on with a story about a man standing on a high rise window ledge threatening to jump so the guy says to the blond, I bet you 20 bucks he jumps and she says oh God no I can't bet on a thing like that but he keeps on at her and finally she says ok and lays a 20 on top of his....A couple minutes later the jumper takes a leap off the building to his death...The blond sadly says well I guess you win and hands over the money but the guy says, look I can't take your money because I saw the same story on the 5:00 news and I knew all along he was going to jump and the blond says, I saw it too but I didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again.........

[berettabone]

:behindsofa:
A guy walks up to a bar and sits down on a stool next to a blond...On the TV set behind the bar the 6:00 news was on with a story about a man standing on a high rise window ledge threatening to jump so the guy says to the blond, I bet you 20 bucks he jumps and she says oh God no I can't bet on a thing like that but he keeps on at her and finally she says ok and lays a 20 on top of his....A couple minutes later the jumper takes a leap off the building to his death...The blond sadly says well I guess you win and hands over the money but the guy says, look I can't take your money because I saw the same story on the 5:00 news and I knew all along he was going to jump and the blond says, I saw it too but I didn't think he was stupid enough to do it again.........

[jeepster09]

2 Medical Students......
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”

The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”

[jeepster09]

A young Attorney with the Edinburgh Prosecutor's office was having trouble launching his career, losing every case he tried. Eventually a case came up which the chief Prosecutor felt the lad could not lose so assigned it to him. It involved a bestiality charge against a sheep farmer near a remote Scottish village. The trial was to take place in the village courthouse with 12 local jurors.

The trial seemed to go well for the young Prosecutor, and near the end of his examination of the accused he asked,,, "and what was the reaction of this innocent dumb animal to your vile attentions sir" ? To this the farmer replied; "well it turned and licked my face".

"Did you hear that" !! Blurted the young Attorney to the jury. "The accused would have us believe that, after the assault, the sheep actually licked his face". Jocko then leaned over the rail, addressing the young Attorney, saying ,,, "Aye laddy, they'll do that you know".

[340pd]

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds People move out of the way much faster now.

[wyntrout]

A practical answer!

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/49400856_2081258011964620_3020727791508258816_n.jp g?_nc_cat=106&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=9374dde631da0e670cf0f04fc6a4479d&oe=5CBD4A97

[AIRret]

Jeepster, your BAD (but good...figure that one out)...........
I'm surprised Bawanna hasn't given you some demerits!

[Bawanna]

What he do, what he do? I hereby grant you the power to issue demerits.

[kenemoore]

Did you hear about the medical student who wanted to take the circumcision course?
Yeah,,,,he missed the cutoff date..

[jeepster09]

Be caareful how you treat cats.....
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?”

[jeepster09]

Skiing Weekend
Jack and Bob went skiing. After a few hours of driving north, they got caught up in a terrible blizzard and pulled into the driveway of a farm owned by a very rich widow. They went to the door and asked the attractive lady who answered if they could spend the night there.

“Oh, it’s such a terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself. But I am recently widowed,” she said, “and I’m afraid of what the neighbor will say if I let two attractive young men stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said, “We’ll be happy if you just let us sleep in your barn if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they left and had a great skiing weekend.

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was the attorney of the attractive widow whose barn they stayed at with Bob.

He drove to see his friend and asked him: “Bob, remember nine months ago when we went skiing and stopped over at that beautiful widow’s barn to wait out the bad weather?”

“Yes, I do,” said Bob.

“Did you get up in the middle of the night, pay her a visit at the house and stay overnight?”

Bob, getting a little embarrassed, confirmed that’s what happened.

“And did you happen to use my name while you were with her?”

“I am sorry buddy, I am afraid I did,” replied Bob whose face turned red by now. “Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything,” exclaimed Jack.

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/49206446_10213162486113032_4479822868808466432_n.j pg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=6b95031cc9738c2e75a560467fd9ea1c&oe=5CCDEC46

[wyntrout]

Seen on a military humor site:



With All Due Respect . . . ."
A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because a sewage repository had not been pumped out.
Finally a young airman wanders up to the aircraft with the appropriate equipment. The airman fiddles around for a while, does his thing, and then gets ready to leave.

The aircraft commander, a young captain, confronts the airman. "You've caused me to be two hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! "
At that the young airman, smiles. "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumping s#!+ from your aircraft. Just what kind of punishment did you have in mind? "

[AIRret]

What he do, what he do? I hereby grant you the power to issue demerits.

He used Jokos name in VAIN!...........But he is funny!!!! So I guess I'll give him a pass on demerits this time!

[Bawanna]

Jocko's name in vain? Didn't know that was possible. But I'm sure Jeepster appreciates your leniency. Wait, wait, something going on tween you two.

Speaking of ole ISIS victims I better send ole Jocko a tweet and see whats up.

[AIRret]

Nothing going on between your "main" cyber wife and ....."ANYBODY"..........except...of-course the convict!

[Bawanna]

Expect I have to tolerate him even with his background and history and such.
Sounds like a swell fella anyhow, I like him. Not in any mano mano way ya understand.

[wyntrout]

OMG! My eyes are still running with tears. This is clean enough, I think, and very funny... just had to share it from Facebook!

September 14, 2018

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK (http://AMAZON.CO.UK/?fbclid=IwAR0hk53PtLFd_WDO1p-p8-CtuJh6cLu3dCw4H2Nvxrg6em_J-2q9nMH3GUU)
AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/41709905_1116571255166222_1676742858557620224_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=af8c34b4ad7b181da893c1fc61cc0079&oe=5CB3B3A0


After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.

Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.

I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.

Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.

Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.

I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid off and positioned it under me.

The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.

I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse.

This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.

The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh

Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.

I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect.

[kenemoore]

OMG!!!!
LMAO!!!

Great one ^^^

[ltxi]

Well, that sounds like fun. Where can I get some of this stuff? :)

[wyntrout]

Nair, or something like that will probably work! :D About the time his wife made an appearance, I was unable to see from the tears and uncontrollable laughing. http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7990&stc=1&d=1363707220

[Bawanna]

Did the Nair in the jewelry sack trick back in the locker room in junior high. Fortunately nobody ever got me back.

[wyntrout]

This was funnier than the guy sticking the stun gun to his leg. This was the point I lost it... what an image:
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering arhhh ooooohhh that feels good ahhh
http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7990&stc=1&d=1363707220

[wyntrout]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him.


She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.



Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”


Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

[jeepster09]

One simple spelling mistake........
I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip , and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say............

Oh Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, "Hi darling , I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life , and I wish you were her!

[jeepster09]

Winter....

[getsome]

Ever notice how a man and a woman can say the exact same words and it have a entirely different meaning altogether such as, Wow I went through a whole box of Kleenex watching that movie last night.....

[AIRret]

Ever notice how a man and a woman can say the exact same words and it have a entirely different meaning altogether such as, Wow I went through a whole box of Kleenex watching that movie last night.....

Your BAD!!

[340pd]

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and... OH...MY GOD!"



Silence followed..... complete silence....Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.



"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"



From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled: “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"

[GROTMAN]

https://i.postimg.cc/zfj64r3d/download-538147.png

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/50681661_346652182853994_4355429350217089024_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=104&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=4388afb6cdc46a85e971d819538468ac&oe=5CBA6520

[wyntrout]

Funny.

https://www.facebook.com/dailybecks/videos/333327454058949/ (https://www.facebook.com/dailybecks/videos/333327454058949/)

[wyntrout]

F. Y. I.

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/51007065_2435970039807755_2677751988380237824_n.jp g?_nc_cat=102&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=9828f70af2fad2f75ddf84e9f2e995b3&oe=5CF32810

[wyntrout]

https://www.glocktalk.com/attachments/its-so-cold-its-i-sawchickenslined-up-outside-akfcwaiting-for-9659055-png.514394/

[wyntrout]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

:D

[wyntrout]

Russ Kinion (https://www.facebook.com/russ.kinion?fref=gs&__tn__=%2CdC-R-R&eid=ARBVv32kn7odpIAp0RGhDjdgpuTkTgJ3ehlzs0DiQyREmL PGayyO4DfCvHix95M8t6CyThHNPubNgc6o&hc_ref=ARQkP91JEMXcajx2_NmYcf8gHT6MXZQWXHt41CEbCQK UUCDfQDV_FAtcQMkLGdrbLRY&dti=564483210307110&hc_location=group)Visual Storyteller (https://www.facebook.com/groups/564483210307110/badge_member_list/?badge_type=VISUAL_STORYTELLER) ·


A number of years ago, I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it on corn for a few months, then butcher it and eat it. Yum! Corn-fed venison. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer.


Since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not have much fear of me (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck four feet away) I figured that it should not be difficult to rope one, toss a bag over its head to calm it down, then hog-tie it and transport it home.


I filled the cattle feeder and hid behind my truck with my rope. The cattle, having seen a roping or two before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.


After 20 minutes, the deer showed up, 3 of them. I picked out the biggest one, stepped out, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell she was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.


I took a step toward her. She took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and received an education. The first thing I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, it is spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.


That deer EXPLODED.


The second thing I learned is that, pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range, I could fight down with some dignity. A deer? No chance.


That thing ran and bucked, it twisted and pulled. There was no controlling that deer, and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the pasture, it occurred to me that having myself firmly attached to a deer with a rope was not such a good idea. The only upside is that they do not have much stamina.


A brief ten minutes later it was getting tired, and no longer dragging me so fast. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.


At that point, I had lost my appetite for corn-fed venison. I hated the thing, and would hazard a guess that the feeling was mutual. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. But if I let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painful somewhere.


Despite the gash in my head, and several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's pell-mell flight by repeatedly bracing my head against large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly just enough to recognize that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to suffer a slow death.


I managed to get it lined up between my truck and the feeder, a little trap I had set beforehand, like a squeeze chute. I backed it in there, and I started moving forward to get my rope back.


Did you know that deer bite? They do!


I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab hold of that rope, and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like a horse, it does not just bite and let go. A deer bites and shakes its head, like a pit bull. They bite HARD and won't let go. It hurts!


The proper reaction when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and wrenching away. My method was ineffective. It felt like that deer bit and shook me for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.


I, being smarter than a deer (although you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I learned my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.


Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up and strike at head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned long ago that when a horse strikes at you with its hooves and you can't get away, the best thing to do is make a loud noise and move aggressively towards the animal. This will cause it to back down a bit, so you can make your escape.


This was not a horse. This was a deer. It became obvious, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a girl and turned to run.


The reason I was always taught NOT to turn and run from a horse that strikes at you with its hooves is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer are not so different from horses after all, other than being twice as strong and three times as evil. The second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.


When a deer attacks you and knocks you down, it does not immediately depart. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What it does instead is stomp on your back and jump up and down on you, while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.


I finally managed to crawl under the truck, and the deer went away. Now I know why people go deer hunting with a rifle and a scope. It's so they can be somewhat equal to the prey.

[leftysixty]

Yes indeed, a lesson to be learned from someone else's mistakes :ohmy::biggrin1:

[AIRret]

Subject: Drinking With A Texas Girl




An Arab, a Mexican and a Texas girl are in the same bar.


When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says,'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The cool Texas girl, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Texas, we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless TEXAS