Anybody heard from JUNE....

[jeepster09]

Rooster in his declining years
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt. So he buys a new cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he's a little worried about being replaced. He walks up to the new bird.

"So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.

"You're on," he said, "and since I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters go over to the henhouse to start the race with all the hens gathering to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the old rooster on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead.

After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little -- but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young fella. By now the farmer has heard the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs into the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the henhouse, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

"Damn. That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[jeepster09]

So I get home this morning and my dog is laying on my porch covered in dirt and mud and has a rabbit in his mouth. He's not bloody, just dirty.
Now, my neighbors raised these rabbits for 4H and have blue ribbon winners. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. So I get the rabbit away from my dog, I take it inside, wash all the dirt off and before my neighbors got home I took it over, put him back in the cage and went back home.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming, so I go out and ask them what's wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

[jeepster09]

Fascinate
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

[jeepster09]

Smart "Little Johnny"
New school year started and little Johnny’s teacher said she will ask a quiz question every Friday. If the kids got the question right, they would have no homework and no class on Monday.

The first Friday came and the teacher asked, “Who can tell me how many stars are there in the sky?” Little Johnny jumped up and answered 1000. The teacher said that’s wrong. She assigned the homework and said, “See you all on Monday.”

Next Friday came and the teacher asked, “Who here can tell me how many fish are in the sea?” Little Johnny was called on to answer and he said 10,000. The teacher said “That’s incorrect, see you all on Monday,” and she assigned homework.

Before next Friday came little Johnny bought black bouncy balls. At the end of the class, when the teacher said it was quiz time, Johnny started bouncing them all over the room. Irritated, the teacher asked, “Alright, who is the comedian with the black balls!?!”

Little Johnny raised his hand and exclaimed “Chris Rock! See ya Tuesday!”

[Bawanna]

Excellent!

[wyntrout]

Crocs and gators in Florida news: http://www.fox13news.com/news/local-news/alligator-invader-breaks-into-clearwater-home-by-shattering-low-window-police-say


https://www.facebook.com/FOX13TampaBay/videos/2301007120176111/

Not to be outdone, a crocodile crawls into a boat in Miami. Yes, there are crocs in Florida. :)


https://www.instagram.com/p/ByVAQ-VlXEH/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=embed_video_watc h_again

[jeepster09]

That is ONE of the reasons I don't live in Florida.....there are more reasons.....:amflag:

https://www.floridatoday.com/story/news/2019/06/04/forecasters-slightly-boost-projected-number-storms-atlantic-hurricane-season/1337326001/


https://www.nationalgangcenter.gov/Gang-Related-News?st=FL


https://owlcation.com/stem/6-Most-Dangerous-Snakes-in-Florida


Not all bad......

[ltxi]

Boobs are too big....

[Redwood]

June is busting out all over!

June better get a bigger dress.

[kenemoore]

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. ‘And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’
The teacher paused then asked the class: ‘And what do you think the man said?’
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly…
‘I think the man would have said – ‘Well, F#ck me!! A talking pig!’
The teacher had to leave the room.

[Ed M]

16129

[jeepster09]

Explain this
One day, a farmer walked into a bar and asked the bartender for the strongest thing in the bar.

"What's wrong, fella?" asked the bartender.

''Some things you just can't explain."

''Try me.''

"Okay. I was milking my cow this morning and I filled the bucket clear to the top. Then the dumb cow knocked it down with her left leg, so I grabbed some string and ties her left leg up. Then I milked her again and the stupid cow knocked it down with her right leg. So I grabbed some string and tied up her right leg. I then milked her again and the cow knocked it down with her tail. But this time I was out of string, so I decided to use my belt, so I tied it up with my belt. Just then my pants fell down and my wife walked in.''

"You're right," said the bartender. "Some things you just can't explain."

[jeepster09]

I wrecked my Harley
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[AIRret]

Thanks for the laughs folks.

[wyntrout]

A blonde...

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/62270932_1414045762069959_446360953047482368_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQn5EOtsacyFm0q5JGWrE8tnixt8h-PsX6WbPiHjthWCd2WzTHgaDEc_3T1jTJYDqfw&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=2a9b6eb8258a355699733d5d927a3a7e&oe=5D788CFB

[Ed M]

16132

[Bawanna]

Damn I love that!

https://i.postimg.cc/j277G2cq/Hopke-Eastwood.jpg (https://postimg.cc/sG3xWVbb)

[Armybrat]

Wrecked my Harley.......... sounds just like Jocko. :D

[Armybrat]

http://pics.me.me/build-lwill-a-great-dog-park-and-the-cats-will-44741017.png

[jeepster09]

Three redneck lies
-- The pickup is paid for.

-- I won this belt buckle in the rodeo.

-- I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

[ltxi]

http://pics.me.me/build-lwill-a-great-dog-park-and-the-cats-will-44741017.png

Now that there is really good!!

[wyntrout]

An oldie:

This is a bricklayer's accident
report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a true story. Had this guy
died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work,
I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were
found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them i n a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175
lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed
in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my r ight hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great
deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you
again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I l ay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry

[Bobshouse]

That wasn't a joke, it was my accident report.

[kenemoore]

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We actually save them up.
When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way.
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.
"What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS."
"To the IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to the IRS.
And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[skiflydive]

On a similar vein...

A lifelong Mohel (the person who does ritual circumcision) retired one day with a plan to travel. A friend was visiting one day and the Mohel showed him a decent size box which looked full of Corn Flakes. He explained to his friend that he had saved up all the foreskins from his lifetime in service. He told his friend he was taking them to a friend, a luggage maker, to make him a suitcase for his travels.

A few weeks later the friend was visiting again and the Mohel brought out his new suitcase. It was beautiful but the friend said "My wife has purses bigger than that."

The Mohel replied... "rub it a few times. It turns into a 3 suiter."

[kenemoore]

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick."
As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!"
and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?"
"Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what has probably been making her sick."
The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her.
"Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?"
"I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.

[jeepster09]

Why seniors never change their password



WINDOWS:


Please enter your new password.





USER:


Cabbage





WINDOWS:


Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.





USER:


Boiled cabbage





WINDOWS:


Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.





USER:


1 boiled cabbage





WINDOWS:


Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces





USER:


50damnboiledcabbages





WINDOWS:


Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.





USER:


50DAMNboiledcabbages





WINDOWS:


Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.





USER:


50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveM eAccessNow!





WINDOWS:


Sorry,the password cannot contain punctuation.





USER:


ReallyPissedOff50DanmBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss IfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow





WINDOWS:


Sorry, that password is already in use.

[kenemoore]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[Armybrat]

;) Five great ones in a row!

Good work, guys!

[Armybrat]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

Whack! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[wyntrout]

04:20 and that made me laugh... several did. Thanks to contributors! :)

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/64770450_10219714940807796_1358378880188022784_n.j pg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQk6LqthSH5qN7QZrKulBdKkuu7iZH4eE8nFCO4Wy_Z CYeCYnXNfgd47xemjH42lseo&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=bd37c9fc6bdd2da484677e16de3a1a34&oe=5D8F7E26

[jeepster09]

Robot for sale:
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/65455511_10214027251342610_8462482098916163584_n.j pg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQnRztHfA_TGf7mU1_PDYAk1bc2qMR0FVUIrsyiRHUe 1VjLRPvV8P_BgCKLL7Djz4BE&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=3731dfa867046fe6f6462ccbd56066aa&oe=5DBDC274

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/65118999_10214468692406378_465594482318901248_n.jp g?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQmwuaflCJtzADhDCLnx8Qu7n4OJd4Lx7LkbDXcTX8I Rrr8zECE8Cgdoq8cT-phi75s&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=89ffdce5061c42eb226f09c3047887c7&oe=5D7B344C

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/65165845_10214701582957625_4691974122719150080_n.j pg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_oc=AQm1hFy2dBSjrcrufeePMml3P5_IXVYa4i4luCjrOrc FQk5dh1XvsEgdkxntBj0rMq0&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=cc625b48ab261654404e8472350b35c1&oe=5D838127

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/65432730_10219766028164948_7824855111032635392_n.j pg?_nc_cat=110&_nc_oc=AQlXg1c2iN_I3qEtnNTM9Lq3Kzrj9oWa892b9OfGk3a Wd1IX-DkhE1YkWpJk2U0MOZI&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=275c52438b647b45f8abfe5e8aa303d4&oe=5D8A767C

[getsome]

16142

It's too bad we don’t have the old politics forum anymore because we could have a blast with that idiot!

[Bawanna]

Anyone else post her picture and penalties will be applied. What a piece of work.

[Armybrat]

That pic almost made the blueing on my Colt SAA flake off.

[jeepster09]

Sick of my nurse.....
One time I got sick and landed in hospital. There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child.

She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” Or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?”

I had had enough of this particular nurse. One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted… I just smiled.

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/61359553_688637194902955_5706696344383520768_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=104&_nc_eui2=AeHKS29vRxl6fu734mhcLQkdBn5RjXjr5FF6nKwVA AmXO6NKQpw7zwd0bkcKDIjR74mr0lLezXb8figJ7N8kU0ifrTd l_8XFjDiqqOTngwTrdg&_nc_oc=AQm3nR3EG2BUZF82I9Y69QOqbuOKHg8d6yyUQytqqPs qrx_3i2HTZUnMtaKplzIFlFM&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=2ddb44e2993e39d09cb8c31cb1264c60&oe=5D7CE1F9

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/65002779_354572342133815_6949403758061158400_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=108&_nc_eui2=AeFYLAimuUdDT0vWjYG8BDQeFHj-87QaBtI7W90igYvDc1RYW384E-vRqAqwTh8Zn3s0lO8FTA3XVzvM5-GStO93M6SDkgoYSN4wcpfbueuVmg&_nc_oc=AQlMdKtBzaLfe5TUwpf8VSCR2H-Yt8vIlzhz09_Of6v0Qc7ANAVMo0ierPHN5AUaPik&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=ff77cbd48a91acf4676dabed80fa87ce&oe=5D863D5D

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/60540459_1318467231635849_5502176753436590080_n.jp g?_nc_cat=104&_nc_eui2=AeFv4mKs6lkJT56VgrBRSB9HuuckPy5EqlxCKoJ2Z a1Gae5V7vGroiFc9WocSuYAk41nH-U4BpK9i2Bj9LSvpFbrQQQghYTK28I5jY29tlS8bg&_nc_oc=AQmGCneme0R3cdPc0JuF7Q6MAjYwLgPtgHe6popq34T a2XrEtGfJ9bXlSlfqVyE6Lt4&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=033cfef427f792763427e482a3ff2416&oe=5D8390CB

[jeepster09]

Washing a car in Florida.....

https://www.dropbox.com/s/bv8d2fdit0me8kq/Washing%20car%20in%20Florida.mp4?dl=0

[jeepster09]

MY FIRST IRISH DRINK WITH MY SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so fookin' sh!t-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!

[jeepster09]

A Geologist and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Geologist leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The Geologist now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Geologist asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The Engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the Geologist.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Geologist, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?" The Geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

The Geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

[jeepster09]

Two old men on the corner and one sez "you know, I think my wife has died". The other sez"what do you mean you THINK your wife has died "? "Well," the first one says, "the sex is about the same as it always wuz, but the dishes are piling up."

[jeepster09]

So a second year engineering student walked down the campus and saw his class mate with a shiny new bike and he ask: Wow that's a nice bike, when did you get that?

His classmate answered: You won't believe this, I was just walking along and a good looking blond girl with this bike stopped right in front of me. She then proceeds to take off her cloth and said "take whatever you want".

The engineering student applauded his classmate: Great choice, her clothes won't fit you anyways.

[jeepster09]

On a serious note is worth mentioning that 25% of American women are on some sort of mental health medication.
This means the remaining 75% are wandering around untreated. :crazy:

[jeepster09]

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies.



She, frantically calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and he's dead and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”



She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control, retired Marine fighter pilot, and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath.

Everything will be fine!



Now give me your height and position.”



She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama.”



"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven....."

[jeepster09]

An Amish Man, Amos Stolfus goes to NY City. He's never been to a big city. He's never even seen a tall building.
While waiting in the lobby he watches an older woman go into the elevator. A minute later the door opens and a pretty young lady exits.
A few minutes later another older woman goes into the elevator and wouldn't you know in a few minutes a pretty woman comes out.

So Amos leans over to his son and says, "Jacob, go and get your mother."

[jeepster09]

Two old guys, one named Garry 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "Yes, I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard!"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but me."

[jeepster09]

Ok....one more :=]

The Pope was on a visit to Alaska, surveying the scenery. Suddenly from the edge of the woods he heard an ear splitting scream, terrifying to hear. He saw a young man wearing shorts, sandals, a "Hope and Change' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt, struggling frantically, to get away from a huge angry grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of gnarly woodsman types wearing NRA caps appeared out of the woods. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the now semiconscious man from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the remaining loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured man in the back seat. As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Liberals and Conservatives, loggers and activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was that guy?"
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know squat about bear hunting; by the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?”

[jeepster09]

As a goodbye to June....her words of wisdom to Ward!