July Hot Ones

[kenemoore]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

[CPTKILLER]

Funny!

[jeepster09]

Need to give your at a pill? Here is simple way to do it :=]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTFfsRtHgCE

[jeepster09]

Post Office application – A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “O.K. You’ve got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 – and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day.”
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don’t you want me here until 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

[jeepster09]

Second opinion
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on a nerve at the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital a few days later, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit…’ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like to try on a new suit please…’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see now… Size 44 long should do it’ Joe laughed, ‘Wow, that’s right; how did you know?’ ‘Oh, I’ve been in the business 40 years sir!’ the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt to go with that lovely suit sir?’ Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure, why not.’
The salesman eyed Joe for a moment and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeve and 16 1/2 neck.’ Joe was surprised again, ‘You’re absolutely right, how did you guess that?’ ‘Been in the business 40 years sir.’ Joe tried on the shirt and it fit like a glove! Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’ Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure, I might as well.’ The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… Size 36.’ Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ‘No way! You can’t wear a size 34 sir. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!!’
New suit …………………….$400
New shirt……………………$36
New underwear…………..$6
Second Opinion………….. Priceless

[jeepster09]

The Weatherman

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours.The weatherman assured him that there
was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty,
you should return to the palace at once because in just a
short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He
gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on
my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The
King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon
seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it
will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in
the government and occupy its highest and most influential
positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this date...

[jeepster09]

Blind Cowboy at biker bar

https://www.tw200forum.com/forum/attachments/off-topic/28989d1460650239t-jokes-funny-stories-blind-biker.jpg (https://www.tw200forum.com/forum/attachments/off-topic/28989d1460650239-jokes-funny-stories-blind-biker.jpg)"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'...

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

[jeepster09]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[jeepster09]

Marine Corps fighter pilot Shot Down.. Goes for it anyway!

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.


The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."


Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your t!ts, then?"


And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude.

[jeepster09]

My dog is a democrat....:=[

https://www.facebook.com/butch.soucy.7/videos/1022465474505931/?pnref=story

[jeepster09]

Two guys from Michigan die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"

The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know."

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, he stops by again and there they are, still dressed in their parkas, mittens and hats. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?"

Again, the guys reply, "Well, like we told you yesterday, we're from Michigan, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy to warm up a little bit, you know."

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves."

The two Michiganders reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Michigan, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice."

The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally, he comes up with an answer. These two love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. He decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Michiganders. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering. The devil was dumbfounded. "I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?"

The Michiganders look at the devil in surprise. "Well, don't ya know - if hell froze over, that must mean. The Lions won the Super Bowl!"

[kenemoore]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/46449271_10213869415511414_668119688022065152_n.jp g?_nc_cat=106&_nc_oc=AQmJEMO4aueWRRjFFmwPBypiA-y4HDM7-75PGTOKZH3QtLlJ-erbG7sv9pxUANZVq6M&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=7b5e4f3cdd113afb92cc9531f4801246&oe=5DB225A7

[Armybrat]

Here's a hot one for Colin Kaepernick.... he must have been doubly offended by Obama's 2013 Inauguration (look closely at the flags):

http://a57.foxnews.com/static.foxnews.com/foxnews.com/content/uploads/2019/07/931/524/obama-inauguration-REUTERS.jpg?ve=1&tl=1

[byrdwill59]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".








Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/65813611_1314749138699746_3131675227784740864_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQklbXp_EVCeOJzXHL89lv4MfnRL0HRvJMnMK80FMSo tv4HP-fdq7_6aYpQGuP60xP0&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&oh=4e8ff7b11998b2a89cb5e5f3bc2f7794&oe=5DB3CA97

[jeepster09]

Accident on the Freeway......
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $20,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $2,000 an inch.”

The man perks up at this. “So,” the doctor says, “It’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. “So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have,” says the man.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.

“She has,” says the man.

“And what is it?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting a new kitchen.”

[shlike]

I was chatting with my neighbor the other day out in our front yard. His big old German Shepherd was laying on the ground next to him happily licking his private parts. I pointed to the dog and remarked "I wish I could do that. To which my neighbor replied, "Well, if you pet him real nice maybe he'll let you".

[jeepster09]

Then what happened......:popcorn:

[wyntrout]

June 12, 2017

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

[jeepster09]

You no longer have to worry....

[wyntrout]

Click to play video. Hilarious!


https://www.facebook.com/VifEric/videos/468260690628594/

[jeepster09]

Archeologists just discovered two dinosaurs buried together. They are new to science. Both were females and were in am embrace. By their position they figured they were lesbian. The name for the new find took some time to figure. They came down to the scientific name of likalotapus.

[jeepster09]

Just not right.....

[jeepster09]

Three Contractors……Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

Remember.. Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.

[jeepster09]

Getting Home Late...
A wife comes home late one night, arriving early from being out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

“Hi, Darling”, he says, “Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.”

[jeepster09]

Drug Names.
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and
Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently
announced that it has settled on the
generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that
Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi
Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a
soft drink, and it gives new meaning to
the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and
just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more
money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2022, there should
be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them.