kahrseye
09-02-2010, 08:56 PM
Below is a letter to my daughter from her husband and my response. Thought some of you may get a kick out of these.
Son-In-Laws Letter:
My beautiful and loving wife,
It has been a great summer up to this point. Vacation was amazing. We have completed a lot of projects around our new house. We have enjoyed each others company. But alas, all things must come to an end and the summer is no exception. Now it is time to focus on new beginnings. Tomorrow marks the beginning of a glorious, all you can eat smorgasbord of emotions, highs, lows, sleepless nights, and celebrations that will change the dynamics of our home for the next 5 months. Yes, I am talking about the start of football season. From the moment that Ohio State takes the field tonight until the Super Bowl in February, there will be some slight changes to the way we go about our business. Because I care about the strength of our marriage and I love you as much as a man could possible love a woman, I thought I would lay the groundwork for the Fall and early Winter so that there are no surprises and we can emerge from this festival of awesomeness stronger than we were going in. The terms of this new 5 month “Bill of Rights” will be as follows:
1. Schedule – Mondays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays are now off the board as it relates to scheduled functions, relatives, out of town visitors, road trips, birthday parties, funerals, school functions, and other couples obligations. These events will have to be scheduled for Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but must be cleared first as these are good days to break down the offensive and defensive schemes of Ohio State’s next opponent, talk to other Buckeye and Bengals fans about last weeks game, and read internet chat boards. Ohio State addendum – OSU does not play a game on November 6th so this date is negotiable for having friends or relatives over but only if the TV can remain on in the background.
2. The TV – The 55” TV downstairs now belongs to me. You may use it with permission (consult amendment 1). Otherwise you will be relegated to the 32” TV in the upstairs media room. You still will have HD capability, a comfortable couch, and access to HGTV, Lifetime, Oprah, Dr. Phil, and wireless internet. If the volume of the downstairs TV happens to permeate through the house and into the upstairs media room, you may close the door but no slamming.
3. During the games – You are free to venture downstairs during the games to get food, take the dogs out, or spend time with me. If you happen to sit with me, I may use language that is unfamiliar to you such as “did you see that safety coming on the blitz?” or “why are we running a single back formation on 3rd and short?”. These are rhetorical questions that I would be asking if you were in the room or not. A response from you is not required or expected. OSU addendum – During OSU games, there will be no talking or visiting, whatsoever. It is recommended that you vacate the house for that 3 hours for all of our own good.
4. Undesirable behavior – During this next 5 months there may be some increased and new behaviors that you may disapprove of. They include, but are not limited to, excessive cursing, nail biting, thrown pillows, couch punching, screaming, humming of the OSU fight song at random moments, trash talk, increased beer consumption, pacing around the house, coming to bed angry, clapping, and fist pumping. Let’s just conclude that these behaviors are the result of a disease and are totally out of my control. The sooner we can agree on this, the easier life will be. OSU Addendum – These behaviors will be off the charts during all OSU games. Again, I will refer to amendment 3 and recommend that you not be around during these games.
5. Sexual Relations - Just because it is football season doesn’t mean that I am not still very attracted to you. I will still submit to all of your sexual advances. I would prefer that these advances occur during halftimes and in between games but I can work with you on this. My advances will still occur at all hours of the day and night whether I am sick, tired, angry, or drunk. OSU Addendum – This amendment is determined to be null and void during all OSU games.
6. OSU losses – In the unlikely event that Ohio State would lose a game this year, it will be treated as if one of the dogs died. I will be in a state of depression for at least 2 weeks. We will wear all black for a period of 6 days and speak softly if we must speak at all. We will not accept visitors or phone calls. I will be grumpy and distant and will probably start fights for no reason at all. You are free to sleep in the guest room or kick me to the guest room for this 2 week period if you feel it is necessary. For the record, conducting the act listed in amendment 5 could do nothing but help the situation.
7. Commitment to Excellence – Although I may develop some new behaviors during the next 5 months (amendment 4), I am committed to maintaining a good home environment. Therefore I will continue to do certain things that you have become used to me doing. For instance, I will continue to cook dinner, although dinner time may become more inconsistent (amendment 1). I will continue to take care of that area around the house that you do not go in but may see on the way in and out of the garage. Most people call it a yard. I will still dust and vacuum (mostly to satisfy my own OCD). I will still do the grocery shopping. In addition to these services that I will continue to provide, there are some things that I will not do as a token of my appreciation for acceptance of my other behaviors. For instance, I will not break any household items in a fit of rage. I will not wear football jerseys at home. Yes I know I am a grown man. They will be relegated to use only at a football venue (see amendment 8). Despite my increased food and beer consumption, I will not gain weight during the football season. Hair loss, on the other hand, is unavoidable but it is a pre-existing condition and therefore I may not be dropped because of it.
8. Road Trips – I currently have 3 road trips planned this year. 2 For Ohio State and 1 for the Bengals. There is also the Bengals game here in Charlotte that I will attend. I am willing to lock these dates in stone and agree to not add any more. You are not required to attend any of these games but are certainly invited. If you do chose to attend, please be aware that there is plenty of windshield time involved and the behaviors listed in amendment 4 may be elevated and may cause embarrassment to the viewer (you). OSU Addendum – When OSU makes it to the National Championship Game, a road trip to Arizona after New Year’s Day will be permitted.
9. What You Can Do – During these next 5 months you will have carte blanche to go to the spa for treatments, shop for clothes, road trip with your girlfriends, get massages, and get your hair cut and colored as often as you want without complaint from me about cost or frequency. We are both reasonable people and we should both get what we want during the season.
10. Steelers-Bengals Amendment – Even though I love you dearly, I still hate your hometown’s pro football team with every fiber in my soul. I will be allowed to talk trash to you and your family without recourse. Again, this behavior is a result of a disease and is out of my control. You may return the trash talk if you feel the urge but only if you become more educated on your own team. You may not use Super Bowls from 30 years ago in an argument about the present. Any championships from the Nixon, Ford, and Carter administrations don’t carry any relevance today and will be inadmissible. You may however use your 2 most recent Super Bowl wins. Since we have no Super Bowl championships, I will be much more inclined to debate on the merits of our current teams which as far as I can tell, is going to be easy pickings for me. I reserve the right to use the word “rapist” when describing your quarterback and you may use the words “thugs” and “criminals” when describing members of my team.
Son-In-Laws Letter:
My beautiful and loving wife,
It has been a great summer up to this point. Vacation was amazing. We have completed a lot of projects around our new house. We have enjoyed each others company. But alas, all things must come to an end and the summer is no exception. Now it is time to focus on new beginnings. Tomorrow marks the beginning of a glorious, all you can eat smorgasbord of emotions, highs, lows, sleepless nights, and celebrations that will change the dynamics of our home for the next 5 months. Yes, I am talking about the start of football season. From the moment that Ohio State takes the field tonight until the Super Bowl in February, there will be some slight changes to the way we go about our business. Because I care about the strength of our marriage and I love you as much as a man could possible love a woman, I thought I would lay the groundwork for the Fall and early Winter so that there are no surprises and we can emerge from this festival of awesomeness stronger than we were going in. The terms of this new 5 month “Bill of Rights” will be as follows:
1. Schedule – Mondays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays are now off the board as it relates to scheduled functions, relatives, out of town visitors, road trips, birthday parties, funerals, school functions, and other couples obligations. These events will have to be scheduled for Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but must be cleared first as these are good days to break down the offensive and defensive schemes of Ohio State’s next opponent, talk to other Buckeye and Bengals fans about last weeks game, and read internet chat boards. Ohio State addendum – OSU does not play a game on November 6th so this date is negotiable for having friends or relatives over but only if the TV can remain on in the background.
2. The TV – The 55” TV downstairs now belongs to me. You may use it with permission (consult amendment 1). Otherwise you will be relegated to the 32” TV in the upstairs media room. You still will have HD capability, a comfortable couch, and access to HGTV, Lifetime, Oprah, Dr. Phil, and wireless internet. If the volume of the downstairs TV happens to permeate through the house and into the upstairs media room, you may close the door but no slamming.
3. During the games – You are free to venture downstairs during the games to get food, take the dogs out, or spend time with me. If you happen to sit with me, I may use language that is unfamiliar to you such as “did you see that safety coming on the blitz?” or “why are we running a single back formation on 3rd and short?”. These are rhetorical questions that I would be asking if you were in the room or not. A response from you is not required or expected. OSU addendum – During OSU games, there will be no talking or visiting, whatsoever. It is recommended that you vacate the house for that 3 hours for all of our own good.
4. Undesirable behavior – During this next 5 months there may be some increased and new behaviors that you may disapprove of. They include, but are not limited to, excessive cursing, nail biting, thrown pillows, couch punching, screaming, humming of the OSU fight song at random moments, trash talk, increased beer consumption, pacing around the house, coming to bed angry, clapping, and fist pumping. Let’s just conclude that these behaviors are the result of a disease and are totally out of my control. The sooner we can agree on this, the easier life will be. OSU Addendum – These behaviors will be off the charts during all OSU games. Again, I will refer to amendment 3 and recommend that you not be around during these games.
5. Sexual Relations - Just because it is football season doesn’t mean that I am not still very attracted to you. I will still submit to all of your sexual advances. I would prefer that these advances occur during halftimes and in between games but I can work with you on this. My advances will still occur at all hours of the day and night whether I am sick, tired, angry, or drunk. OSU Addendum – This amendment is determined to be null and void during all OSU games.
6. OSU losses – In the unlikely event that Ohio State would lose a game this year, it will be treated as if one of the dogs died. I will be in a state of depression for at least 2 weeks. We will wear all black for a period of 6 days and speak softly if we must speak at all. We will not accept visitors or phone calls. I will be grumpy and distant and will probably start fights for no reason at all. You are free to sleep in the guest room or kick me to the guest room for this 2 week period if you feel it is necessary. For the record, conducting the act listed in amendment 5 could do nothing but help the situation.
7. Commitment to Excellence – Although I may develop some new behaviors during the next 5 months (amendment 4), I am committed to maintaining a good home environment. Therefore I will continue to do certain things that you have become used to me doing. For instance, I will continue to cook dinner, although dinner time may become more inconsistent (amendment 1). I will continue to take care of that area around the house that you do not go in but may see on the way in and out of the garage. Most people call it a yard. I will still dust and vacuum (mostly to satisfy my own OCD). I will still do the grocery shopping. In addition to these services that I will continue to provide, there are some things that I will not do as a token of my appreciation for acceptance of my other behaviors. For instance, I will not break any household items in a fit of rage. I will not wear football jerseys at home. Yes I know I am a grown man. They will be relegated to use only at a football venue (see amendment 8). Despite my increased food and beer consumption, I will not gain weight during the football season. Hair loss, on the other hand, is unavoidable but it is a pre-existing condition and therefore I may not be dropped because of it.
8. Road Trips – I currently have 3 road trips planned this year. 2 For Ohio State and 1 for the Bengals. There is also the Bengals game here in Charlotte that I will attend. I am willing to lock these dates in stone and agree to not add any more. You are not required to attend any of these games but are certainly invited. If you do chose to attend, please be aware that there is plenty of windshield time involved and the behaviors listed in amendment 4 may be elevated and may cause embarrassment to the viewer (you). OSU Addendum – When OSU makes it to the National Championship Game, a road trip to Arizona after New Year’s Day will be permitted.
9. What You Can Do – During these next 5 months you will have carte blanche to go to the spa for treatments, shop for clothes, road trip with your girlfriends, get massages, and get your hair cut and colored as often as you want without complaint from me about cost or frequency. We are both reasonable people and we should both get what we want during the season.
10. Steelers-Bengals Amendment – Even though I love you dearly, I still hate your hometown’s pro football team with every fiber in my soul. I will be allowed to talk trash to you and your family without recourse. Again, this behavior is a result of a disease and is out of my control. You may return the trash talk if you feel the urge but only if you become more educated on your own team. You may not use Super Bowls from 30 years ago in an argument about the present. Any championships from the Nixon, Ford, and Carter administrations don’t carry any relevance today and will be inadmissible. You may however use your 2 most recent Super Bowl wins. Since we have no Super Bowl championships, I will be much more inclined to debate on the merits of our current teams which as far as I can tell, is going to be easy pickings for me. I reserve the right to use the word “rapist” when describing your quarterback and you may use the words “thugs” and “criminals” when describing members of my team.