August Agggg....the heat is on!

[jeepster09]

Albert Einstein was a genius...but his brother Frank was a monster.

[jeepster09]

She is never happy....

[kenemoore]

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”
I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?…. do you understand?!!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull…. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
“Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

[kenemoore]

I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.

[jeepster09]

.................

[Armybrat]

Speaking of the heat.....

[jeepster09]

..........

[Bawanna]

Gotta get me one of them raccoon baths.

[jeepster09]

,,,,,,,,,,

[yqtszhj]

Good one ^^^^^^

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67821965_870255400014230_118981078114369536_n.jpg? _nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQkBgo6ZHhndYFvbnZcWWqk9dWDUOWGTIEL4lb1Q7vV T8dppJlKN34Yt9V2tDrjz4EA&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=484c5f848a511388affa475e3a2cba6b&oe=5DDCB9F6

[Bawanna]

I didn't see that one a comin. Good one.

[skiflydive]

A millennial entrepreneur was driving his new Porsche north across the Golden Gate Bridge...a little fast. An officer pulled him over.

While he was writing the ticket the officer asked "Are you sure this is your car? It's pretty fancy for a young guy like you. What do you do for a living anyway?"

The young man says..."I'm an a$$hole stretcher."

The cop says "WHAAAT? How do you do that?"

The young man says "Well first you put in one finger and move it around, then 2 fingers. Pretty soon you can get a whole hand in there and then two. You sort of stretch things around and pretty soon you have a 6 foot a$$hole."

The cop asks "What do you do with a 6 foot a$$hole?"

The kid says...."You give him a radar gun and put him on the Golden Gate Bridge."

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/68337260_2730754483602597_7461553615694462976_n.jp g?_nc_cat=104&_nc_oc=AQnESdiMrOlCHM0WjkBpJHQYtz3zKeltWmptiJhzPmV LBI17UtpyLjCT0bIxSDXiDa8&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=f4392db7d070f4f0b55655d3144d1782&oe=5DCE21F7

[wyntrout]

I'm not sure if this was "photoshopped"! ;)

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/68954641_2428099220569522_1048799677601808384_n.jp g?_nc_cat=111&_nc_oc=AQkwlhUMcuy2zNXEO5kLux5CR_AVl7xnhiu0fFI5WmM WbCMHFtVaTvQumbWcAsIqj9Y&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=69fcd87fb29dd709f3c60750f612f242&oe=5DE2A39A

[Armybrat]

Ya think? ;)

[jeepster09]

3 girls walking through a cemetery....

[AIRret]

Thanks for the laugh's!!!!!

[wyntrout]

This reminds me of someone.... https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/68745338_10156317974956767_8479880225453244416_n.j pg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_oc=AQl5uAAJVRoN9Nvb1AI8a_NR0RgAJFCVQ15ZLXXK4l7 ZRZCVBzTdcKWBAcKoGmU3Ars&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=4de264e3a2e77db00c46411c704893a3&oe=5DD53624

[wyntrout]

Saw this post on Facebook:

Only in Fort Walton Beach , I walked into Tom Thumb to get a drink and as I walked up, I noticed these 2 police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping her gas.. I saw her and thought, is this lady stupid, crazy, or both, especially with the police standing RIGHT there.. But anyways, I minded my own business and went inside and got my drink.

As I was paying for my drink, I heard someone screaming!! Like I’m talking violent death screams!! I looked outside and I saw that this woman's arm was on fire!! She was swinging her arm, running around going nuts!! It was like she hit the hyper combo move while button mashing on street fighter..

When I got outside, the police had the woman on the ground and they were putting the fire out!! Then they put handcuffs on her and threw her in the police car.

I was thinking, arrested?? Shouldn’t she be in an ambulance, not a police car?? And being the nosy person that I am, I asked the police what they were arresting her for.

The officer looked at me seriously, and said, "WAVING A FIRE ARM”!!



Now I want to know which of my friends actually read this to the end.. If you did, copy and paste this to see who believes you! Change it to your city.

[jeepster09]

https://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/icons/icon1.gif
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.


But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.


Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.


In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!


Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Joshua.


P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

[wyntrout]

Amazing... who knew? :eek:

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69066771_2652829464751007_1232642325323186176_n.jp g?_nc_cat=105&_nc_eui2=AeFtua7MzWp2ilpVoo9UacmvyMQqbydZjDeKhNTuu lLW8FQRIY-4L70hdFi-f9bDOTJV7qesy9KY3tnAL3Fm7kUCdoxVdsSu1ZtlPsj8gzGHIQ&_nc_oc=AQlV3GkAM7WhGcs4Xf8vPz1R2AuDQUhtn_kS3sqya3s SNl19UOxsfnJ4IrjZy7anu0k&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=536a105df8c1a08ea84ac650c66ef207&oe=5E11993F

[wyntrout]

https://youtu.be/yWthQxngUcM

[kenemoore]

IS SEX WORK:?
A U.S. Navy Captain was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A CDR chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.
A JG said it was 50-50%. An LT responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Captain turned to the SN who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young SN responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.

[Armybrat]

That one gets you a gold star!

[jeepster09]

Don't leave stuff on doorway that say CHEWY on package....there are many hungry out there!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=24&v=CuFlWqC9KLY

[jeepster09]

.........

[Armybrat]

Son gave me a couple of bumper stickers...

[jeepster09]

Dating in today's world....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=18&v=T44WHLhx7Yo

[wyntrout]

Military Humor:

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/69566253_2770472839630761_6643817530735460352_n.jp g?_nc_cat=105&_nc_oc=AQkF8cnfNmUdvn4PC8MQKkh9tvq3svFaX09rVBcJoF3 2cNL1iP9GiCFfGyKOgXguLZY&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=3c942d54cee1e13de9024f6fb5015b8e&oe=5E15BC43

[jeepster09]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.

[AIRret]

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights”.
Your bad.....but funny!

[jeepster09]

Is your computer male or female?
A group of male computer scientists got together and said that all computers should be considered female. The reasons for this are as follows:

No one but their creator understands their internal logic

The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


However a group of female computer scientists got together and determined that all computers should be called male, and listed their reasons:

They have a lot of data but are still clueless

They are supposed to solve problems but half the time, they are the problem

As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

[jeepster09]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!?
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of
her microwave!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be
all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?! !??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while
I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference;
pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy, AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no
possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't
do it *******," reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't
hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then
body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs!
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my
face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no
such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until
it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst
would be considered conservative.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were
on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both
nipples were still twitching My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!






If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid