October Oddities

[340pd]

Golden Books That Never Made It


You Are Different And That's Bad
The Boy Who Died - From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Strangers Have The Best Candy
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares Are Real
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?​

[Bawanna]

Excellent, I can relate to many of those.

Mr Fork and Mrs Outlet bring back uncomfortable memories and no doubt played apart in my deep seated fear of electricity.

[Planedude]

My daughter (now 35) could add the title "Moms old car keys will not start the electical outlet..."

Fun Times!

[jeepster09]

A Quick Swim....
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

[Bobshouse]

16278

[Armybrat]

Wonder why I’ve had four stent implants?

[wyntrout]

Useful Aviation Terms
AIRSPEED – Speed of an airplane. (Deduct 25% when listening to a retired fighter pilot.)
BANK – The folks who hold the lien on most pilots’ cars.
CARBURETOR ICING – A phenomenon reported to the FAA by pilots immediately after they run out of gas.
CONE OF CONFUSION – An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach fix at an airport.
DEAD RECKONING – You reckon correctly, or you are.
DESTINATION – Geographical location 30 minutes beyond the pilot’s bladder saturation point.
ENGINE FAILURE – A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with low-octane air.
FIREWALL – Section of the aircraft specifically designed to funnel heat and smoke into the cockpit.
FLIGHT FOLLOWING – Formation flying.
GLIDE DISTANCE – Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
HOBBS – An instrument which creates an emergency situation should it fail during dual instruction.
HYDROPLANE – An airplane designed to land long on a short and wet runway.
LEAN MIXTURE – Nonalcoholic beer.
MINI MAG LITE – Device designed to support the AA battery industry.
NANOSECOND – Time delay between the Low Fuel Warning light and the onset of carburetor icing.
PARASITIC DRAG – A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.
RICH MIXTURE – What you order at another pilot’s promotion party.
ROGER – Used when you’re not sure what else to say.
SECTIONAL CHART – Any chart that ends 25 nm short of your destination.
SERVICE CEILING – Altitude at which cabin crew can serve drinks.
SPOILERS – FAA Inspectors.
STALL – Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.
STEEP BANKS – Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest
TURN & BANK INDICATOR – An instrument largely ignored by pilots.
USEFUL LOAD – Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight.
WAC CHART – Directions to the Army female barracks.
YANKEE – Any pilot who has to ask New Orleans tower to “Say again”.

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/73528707_10215431047233776_8303483010913665024_n.j pg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_oc=AQnXqzN2riHaqi17MTqcTSfNStOhcY5n8U4dA0Dn7CP Gt-VxmwRHALsmDdwNSia-hYk&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=1a8f2335f08d2c798270d67a982e76c4&oe=5E657948

[skiflydive]

Thanks Wynn...I copied this to an aviation board I'm a member of and got a TON of likes!


Useful Aviation Terms
AIRSPEED – Speed of an airplane. (Deduct 25% when listening to a retired fighter pilot.)
BANK – The folks who hold the lien on most pilots’ cars.
CARBURETOR ICING – A phenomenon reported to the FAA by pilots immediately after they run out of gas.
CONE OF CONFUSION – An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach fix at an airport.
DEAD RECKONING – You reckon correctly, or you are.
DESTINATION – Geographical location 30 minutes beyond the pilot’s bladder saturation point.
ENGINE FAILURE – A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with low-octane air.
FIREWALL – Section of the aircraft specifically designed to funnel heat and smoke into the cockpit.
FLIGHT FOLLOWING – Formation flying.
GLIDE DISTANCE – Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
HOBBS – An instrument which creates an emergency situation should it fail during dual instruction.
HYDROPLANE – An airplane designed to land long on a short and wet runway.
LEAN MIXTURE – Nonalcoholic beer.
MINI MAG LITE – Device designed to support the AA battery industry.
NANOSECOND – Time delay between the Low Fuel Warning light and the onset of carburetor icing.
PARASITIC DRAG – A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.
RICH MIXTURE – What you order at another pilot’s promotion party.
ROGER – Used when you’re not sure what else to say.
SECTIONAL CHART – Any chart that ends 25 nm short of your destination.
SERVICE CEILING – Altitude at which cabin crew can serve drinks.
SPOILERS – FAA Inspectors.
STALL – Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.
STEEP BANKS – Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest
TURN & BANK INDICATOR – An instrument largely ignored by pilots.
USEFUL LOAD – Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight.
WAC CHART – Directions to the Army female barracks.
YANKEE – Any pilot who has to ask New Orleans tower to “Say again”.

[wyntrout]

I "stole" it from one, too! :)

[jeepster09]

So if an illegal immigrant robs a bank in a sanctuary city is it a crime or just an undocumented withdrawal?

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/71496475_1296249087224165_185616864351617024_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=1&_nc_oc=AQnqeX5GoV7a-t2pIW9vJHH_DvHYYdcBVYK2eFZzLzaKQUQOk5dzBbkoWCUs0kw a7fM&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=5333db0b6ff079fa92e0fc1eb9c8b54a&oe=5E21A14C

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/68621879_2439753286071601_4251141883503312896_n.jp g?_nc_cat=100&_nc_oc=AQk4FywsokJTLNdjMTP5DSYQdY4TRXotbUJ8mgg7ZVK IhwFjF8oBYI50HDokTrVQ2rQ&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=03e1b1bddbef080dc34fe372f89bd5e2&oe=5E5ECF9E

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

[jeepster09]

Three Contractors……Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House

One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky, and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”

"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

[jeepster09]

Archaeology 101
After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: 'British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.

One week later, a Redneck Hillbilly in a Kentucky newsletter reported the following 'After digging as deep as 30 meters in a tobacco field near Possum Creek, KY, Ole Zeke, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Ole Zeke has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Kentucky had already gone wireless.

[jeepster09]

The Homing Pigeon
I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time!

[dao]

LOL. My family laughed out loud too. Thanks for the belly laugh

[GROTMAN]

(https://www.ncgunowners.com/xf/threads/the-ncgo-general-humor-thread-not-pc-not-safe-for-children.61459/post-957952)
https://www.ncgunowners.com/xf/attachments/a0c7fded-5cc3-48ec-a7f8-e7f69573e475-jpeg.3120/

[GROTMAN]

https://www.ncgunowners.com/xf/attachments/d264918f-d7a6-4049-915d-5477a67e323f-jpeg.3110/

[jeepster09]

‘OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky'
means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter'
means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND
'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are not sure if these are jokes?

[340pd]

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.








He tied up the woman and, at knife-point, asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.








The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want, but PLEASE untie the rope and free her.”








The bad guy says, “Wow … you must really love your wife!”









The man replies, “Not particularly, but she’ll be home in about 15 minutes.”

[jeepster09]

Home diagnostics - for Men
A simplified urine test that is relevant for us all.



Go outside and pee in the garden.

If ants gather:- diabetes.

If you pee on your feet:- prostate.

if it smells like a barbecue:- cholesterol.

if when you shake it, your wrist hurts:- osteoarthritis.

if you return inside with your ***** outside your pants:- Alzheimers

[Bawanna]

Oh man.........

[wyntrout]

https://www.facebook.com/jill.hudsonanthony/videos/10157436080963812/

[wyntrout]

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out with a caterer, a band and even a clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown suddenly calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says: “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”



“Well,” he responds, “I dunno… Let me ask him.” He turns around and yells at his friend: “Hey Willie! For $50 would you chop off another toe?!”

[skiflydive]

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out with a caterer, a band and even a clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown suddenly calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says: “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!”



“Well,” he responds, “I dunno… Let me ask him.” He turns around and yells at his friend: “Hey Willie! For $50 would you chop off another toe?!”

LOL Forgot that one. The punch line I remember was "Hey Joe. Can you take another crack in the nuts with the axe handle?"

[jeepster09]

Updated birds and bees discussion...
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!