December Dandy's

[340pd]

Let's eat Grandma.
Let's eat, Grandma.

Commas save lives...

[wyntrout]

OMG!


https://www.facebook.com/kris.myers.399/videos/121471992635297/

[Armybrat]

Uh-oh!

[Bawanna]

What uh oh? Look delicious even to this apple fritter addict.

[Armybrat]

Kinda blows up my weight loss schedule.

[Bawanna]

Gotcha, probably one or two glutens in there too whatever a gluten is and whatever it might look like.
Just think good but in moderation................don't work for me but might work for you.

[berettabone]

Donuts are my weakness. Haven't had one in probably 7 or 8 months. Those look delicious...…………...I've really cut down on the glutens over the last year. Do I feel any better???????????? What do you think...…………...

[wyntrout]

I had to steal this one. LOL!

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78737461_2902987536387121_8598424870465830912_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ohc=76nhaFGWZfcAQndWGalwCsVUGJ72KQ9cueq1-nbNO2DLC-zLhZbtgF2gQ&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=9460802ad97eff354dd2059410325a9d&oe=5E89A085

[GROTMAN]

BEST GUN SIGHTS EVER ?

https://www.ncgunowners.com/xf/attachments/9355b930-7b5b-4e4f-9e8e-17053b875c06_1_105_c-jpeg.3355/

[jeepster09]

Buying a Bull


Two sisters - one blonde and one brunette - inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately after just a few years they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull I'll contact you to drive out after me to haul it home."

The brunette arrives, inspects the bull, and decides to purchase it. After negotiations she is left with only $1.

She drives to the nearest telegraph office to notify her sister of the purchase. She explains to the telegraph office that she needs to tell her sister to hitch the trailer and drive it out to take the bull home..

The telegraph operator explains that the cost will be 99 cents per word which means that with the left over dollar, she can send only one word.

She decides to send the word "Comfortable."

The operator shakes his head and asks "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister is blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78057951_1358120227703117_6582334249259499520_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ohc=RmwjoB0r-UQAQm7pBva6e0rCcmeltK5q1lLogVSHmDvVEgyWHAII2FmaQ&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=743d5fd0709f73f78e7d8a12072105ad&oe=5E845635

[yqtszhj]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78057951_1358120227703117_6582334249259499520_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ohc=RmwjoB0r-UQAQm7pBva6e0rCcmeltK5q1lLogVSHmDvVEgyWHAII2FmaQ&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=743d5fd0709f73f78e7d8a12072105ad&oe=5E845635

That is so much me right there, and I have the bruises to prove it.

[jeepster09]

old Biker ....
Old Biker Jocko was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’

The next day Jocko reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

Jocko replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78400823_10218735088281571_767069283481026560_n.jp g?_nc_cat=104&_nc_ohc=Xey6y-jeLLwAQlWUIKTVng95s3MdKG8xb0mwUOgmL6GzUcXPV2jc8Qqj Q&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=9779e371273af4c32bc3c971467a5a03&oe=5E7D19DF

[jeepster09]

Ahhh winter wonderland....

[wyntrout]

My A/C's running:

[jeepster09]

My heat is running....:behindsofa:

[jeepster09]

Bring it on.....:amflag:

[wyntrout]

I had a tracked one by Sears in Caribou, Maine. It was a beautiful sight the pitch the snow into the air and watch the wind blow it away. I had a blade for my lawn tractor, too... don't miss the snow! Mine wasn't that awesome, though!

[berettabone]

Typical winter here...……………………..that's my driveway.

[GROTMAN]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/78400823_10218735088281571_767069283481026560_n.jp g?_nc_cat=104&_nc_ohc=Xey6y-jeLLwAQlWUIKTVng95s3MdKG8xb0mwUOgmL6GzUcXPV2jc8Qqj Q&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=9779e371273af4c32bc3c971467a5a03&oe=5E7D19DF
AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT TOOK AWHILE TO GET THAT? :rolleyes:

[Bawanna]

Apparently not, I didn't get it till you posted and then thought about it some.

[Armybrat]

I don’t get it.

[wyntrout]

I'm used to stuff like that... looking for hidden meanings. Add the answers together. LOL! :D

[Bobshouse]

I'm still waiting for him to post the second half.

[jeepster09]

apparently not, i didn't get it till you posted and then thought about it some.


What! :ohmy:

[340pd]

16407

[340pd]

16408

[jeepster09]

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender ...



Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year,said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked.

"Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year,is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck."

"Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said,"and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Nobody under there now."



It's always better to get a second opinion!!!

[jeepster09]

I am tired of you!!!!!!!!!! Screw off!!!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote..."I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes."

[wyntrout]

Lmaoarotf! http://www.kahrtalk.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=7990&stc=1&d=1363707220

[wyntrout]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.
Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[jeepster09]

Pastor & His Donkey
A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again.

The local newspaper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is:

Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. You’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

And ride motorcycles not donkeys.

[jeepster09]

Good deed done yesterday....;)

At the Costco's check out I was behind an old lady in line. Her bill came to $65.83 but when she counted out all of her change she only had just under $10. I thought she was probably someone’s Granny. I’d like to think someone would have helped my Granny out when she was alive just before Christmas. She didn’t want me to help her but I was determined to help her out and in no time at all we had all her groceries back on the shelves. :yo:

[Armybrat]

:yo:

To you.

[Armybrat]

For an interesting read, Google up “New Cannonball Run Record 2019”.

Seems two dudes set a coast to coast (NYC to LA) driving record of 27 hours and 25 minutes, averaging 103 mph, and stopped only four times to gas up (total stop time of 22 minutes).

[jeepster09]

That's impressive. I thought I did well years ago with Boston to Mpls. in 23.5 hours [1500 miles], averaging 64 mph.

[jeepster09]

Wrapping fail....

[340pd]

16418

[jeepster09]

Chet the Christmas Parrot
It was Christmas Eve and once again John had waited until the last minute to shop for a present for his wife, Mary.

John rushed to the mall, but as he approached each store, it closed ahead of him. Finally he found one store that was still open - a pet store. He went in and informed the manager that he needed a unique gift for Mary. No puppies, kittens or fish.

The manager told him that he had one pet that might meet John's request and brought out a beautiful parrot.

"This is Chet and he sings Christmas carols," the manager said.

Preparing to demonstrate, the manager pulled out a lighter explaining that Chet's trainer used unconventional methods for training Chet.

The manager lit the lighter and placed a flame under one of Chet's feet. Chet squawked, ruffled his feathers, and in a perfect imitation of Bing Crosby, began singing White Christmas.

John decided to purchase Chet, especially since he was desperate.

Arriving home, John presented Mary with Chet and proceeded to demonstrate the parrot's unique talent.

John placed a flame under Chet's foot and Chet once again squawked, ruffled his feathers, and in a perfect imitation of Andy Williams, began singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.

​​​​​​John moved the flame to Chet's other foot and Chet began singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer like Gene Autry.

Mary asked "What happens when you move it here?" and moved the flame to between Chet's feet.

Chet squawked, jumped, and began singing in the voice of Nat King Cole ...

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire ..."

[jeepster09]

MY FIRST IRISH DRINK WITH MY SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.

Then I got him a Stroh’s, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Molson's and the Labatt's.

I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink I was so fookin' sh!t-faced I could hardly push the stroller back home!

[jeepster09]

Hear tell there was a happily married couple both 65 celebrating their wedding anniversary when a wish granting fairy showed up anxious to give them each a wish. Well the wife said she was happy as can be, thanks anyways. The husband ponders for a minute then sheepishly says that he would kinda prefer a wife 30 years younger than him. "OK" says the fairy and "POOF" suddenly the man is 95 years old.

[jeepster09]

Two old men on the corner and one sez "you know, I think my wife has died". The other sez"what do you mean you THINK your wife has died "? "Well," the first one says, "the sex is about the same as it always wuz, but the dishes are piling up. :yo:

[jeepster09]

On a serious note is worth mentioning that 25% of American women are on some sort of mental health medication. This means the remaining 75% are wandering around untreated.

[Bawanna]

Apologies in advance to all my cyber brides but jeepster, I think you plumb nailed it this time.

[Bobshouse]

16421

Merry Christmas!

[340pd]

16424

[jeepster09]

Bawanna here is what you have to look forward to now that you are retired....

Where's my toast?
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember..

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No,I can remember it.'

'Well,I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated,he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

[jeepster09]

Make sure you park correctly here in Minnesota......:amflag: