Fibb-a-wary....

[jeepster09]

Sex Blowup Dolls
A man goes into a sex shop and asks for a blowup doll.

The clerk asks, would you like a Jewish one, a Christian one, or a Muslim one?

The customer asks what is the difference between them?

The clerk says, the Muslim one blows itself up. https://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_bowrofl.gif

[Bawanna]

Oh ya got me again! Good one.

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/83254287_4412752185429043_4117650971343978496_n.jp g?_nc_cat=106&_nc_ohc=utLAWjfkiFsAX_H3XK8&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=6a455823ac1c624cef9c94a657a7699d&oe=5ED2DD50

[jeepster09]

Bewildered Texan
While hiking along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist slip and fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and explosives he was carrying.

Near him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, the two of them would surely drown.

Being a responsible Texan and wanting to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and the Department of Homeland Security.

It is now 4 p.m. Both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.

I'm beginning to think I wasted two stamps.

[jeepster09]

Only in Texas
A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tailgate for dear life!

She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn't been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him.

A few weeks later, her neighbor saw this truck at the local Bass Pro Shop.

The pick-up truck driver is a local TEXAS taxidermist with a great sense of humor!

Taxidermists are a twisted lot anyway!

And it is not a dog in the 1st Place ; it is a Coyote.

Can you imagine how many people tried to stop this guy?

[jeepster09]

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad
day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do;
to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in
the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and
invincible ...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that sh!t.

[jeepster09]

Texas Deer Hunter Story
A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near

highway 481 in Maverick Co., TX, early one cold December morning.



Suddenly, a huge non-typical buck walked out over the corn they had

spread in the senderos w/ a tailgate feeder. Moving quickly, the hunter

carefully aimed the Leupold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the

unsuspectingbuck.



As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime,

his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly by down 481.

The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took

off his hat, bowed his head, and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and

touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest

man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years." https://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttps://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gifhttps://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

[jeepster09]

https://youtu.be/iKcWu0tsiZM

[Bawanna]

That would be funny as heck if it weren't so accurate and true.

[Armybrat]

...

[340pd]

16491

[Armybrat]

...

[340pd]

16493

[Armybrat]

...

[wyntrout]

This is priceless. Oh, the power in words .In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings. Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.



An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[340pd]

Bill was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.
The doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals. Then after a thorough examination the doctor said he wanted to check with Bill's wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough.

Finally he said, "Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, "Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either.

See picture below...This is Bill...




16505

[340pd]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[jeepster09]

Fishing
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.
Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with a frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind its head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma - how to release the snake without getting bit. Looking around me, I spotted the bottle of Jack Daniels, so I grabbed it and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. Its eyes rolled back and it went limp.

I released the snake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

Not long after I felt a nudge on my foot.

It was that damn snake ...

... with 2 more frogs.

[skiflydive]

https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/p160x160/86817005_10116432346103504_8676752635719581696_n.j pg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_ohc=KywRlnHXJbYAX_pEF-C&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&_nc_tp=6&oh=73b064f0983e2c9881c5b64ae5984a38&oe=5EB58EE2

[Armybrat]

...

[340pd]

16507

[340pd]

16508

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/86621770_10216498939566891_2057912160876494848_n.j pg?_nc_cat=105&_nc_ohc=L5LDyHsKy-oAX8_obdJ&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=6bd164ef9ee14a24a74287ef771f87cb&oe=5EF5CD97

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/86970236_3149279501750091_8967370021550424064_n.jp g?_nc_cat=104&_nc_ohc=ZONut-7XkpAAX8l9aHC&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=d2244f1ca9ca92f8ae5c3058d6507089&oe=5F005CD8

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/86627227_4185881688104791_7795910046524637184_n.jp g?_nc_cat=105&_nc_ohc=aHFqIjXCGC8AX-5Ehkh&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=423bb6cdf49c30db470d342f56a40554&oe=5EC27BCB

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/87232971_10156661202646423_9069687094707748864_n.j pg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_ohc=2F7F6yihKOAAX9YmBK4&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=384e9464c32afb2b718ae3e2a77896bd&oe=5EC09DE4

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/86979740_188385185804759_8603571173294342144_n.jpg ?_nc_cat=102&_nc_ohc=YHTish4Rj4YAX8I3yWq&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=f02ef857c880c8dd2b11c58b924fef84&oe=5EC498DD

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/86426428_10156679070012116_2178435742135484416_n.j pg?_nc_cat=1&_nc_ohc=w0QORjU1E5MAX9NNvV0&_nc_ht=scontent-atl3-1.xx&oh=a9b9fc2eae9099bec5ae6147f98f3b8b&oe=5EF8AB49

[Armybrat]

...

[jeepster09]

Navy Recruiter Call....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=89&v=YFY6XLH6Tvk&feature=emb_logo

[jeepster09]

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

“The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

[jeepster09]

........

[Armybrat]

,..

[Armybrat]

...

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/87337158_10162915588920401_7338284626915360768_n.j pg?_nc_cat=102&_nc_ohc=tt8zDoC1HR0AX_V2BXE&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=9e3637b9cd9748bbdc0843d9cd0c63d7&oe=5EBADF6C

[skiflydive]

https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/87063089_2765748020179861_2166615455265980416_o.jp g?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_ohc=vmreiAwQcK8AX915vhA&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=e64c19899fea4bf2b2ea34add2eeb397&oe=5EB6E86F

[jeepster09]

California DOT - Over 200 Crows Dead On Highway
The California D.O.T found over 200 dead crows on on California highways recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike" https://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_shrug.gif

[Bawanna]

Got me again Jeepster, good one.

[Armybrat]

...

[getsome]

Ever wonder why there are no women serial killers?





A woman unlike a man doesn't want to kill as many people as possible, a woman on the other hand just wants to kill one man, very slowly for many years over the course of a lifetime together.....

[jeepster09]

Visitors
A very pleasant Lady with a Gentleman knocked on my door the other day. They identified themselves as Jehovah Witnesses. I invited them in.

I said "So what should we talk about?"

She looked like she was in shock and he answered, "I have no idea; we've never made it this far before."

[Bawanna]

Ever wonder why there are no women serial killers?





A woman unlike a man doesn't want to kill as many people as possible, a woman on the other hand just wants to kill one man, very slowly for many years over the course of a lifetime together.....

If your wife reads this the process just may be speeded up for you. I agree of course but I'll never admit it, crap I just did didn't I?

[jeepster09]

Anger management therapy
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying, 'Hello.' I politely said, 'This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?' Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f'ing number!' And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, 'You're an a$$hole!' And hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're an a$$hole!' It always cheered me up. When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled, 'NO!' And slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an a$$hole!' And hung up. One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?' He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' He said, 'Yes, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax. It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' I asked, 'What's your name?' He said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?' He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.' I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?' He said, 'Yes?' I said, 'Don, you're an a$$hole!' Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. Then I came up with an idea... I called a$$hole #1. He said, 'Hello' I said, 'You're an a$$hole!' (But I didn't hang up.) He asked, 'Are you still there?' I said, 'Yeah!' He screamed, 'Stop calling me' I said, 'Make me.' He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.' He said, 'Yeah? Where do you live?' I said, 'a$$hole, I live at 34 Oak Tree Blvd., in Fairfax , a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.' He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole,' and hung up. Then I called a$$hole #2. He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, a$$hole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said, 'You'll what?' He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your a$$' I answered, 'Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.' Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I was on my way over to 34 Oak Tree Blvd, in Fairfax, to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oak Tree Blvd in Fairfax . I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax . I got there just in time to watch two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work.

[Armybrat]

:D
Good one!