March Mania

[Armybrat]

...

[I_Like_Turtles]

That's really funny. I have already sent that to a couple of friends.

[jeepster09]

Tha man and an ostrich
A man walks into a pub with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, 'A Hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's Yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. 'That will be £9.40 please,' she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries, and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount. For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,' says the man. 'Yep! Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be £32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir,how do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!' 'That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'But, sir, what's with the ostrich?' The man sighs, pauses, and replies, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

[jeepster09]

Rough Day
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of tequila.

The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"

The man replies, "Yeah, I found out that my younger brother is gay!"

The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."

The man downs the shots and leaves.

The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six more shots of tequila.

Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"

The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."

Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."

The man downs his shots and leaves.

The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of tequila.

Bartender asks the man, "More bad news?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The bartender asks the man, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women??"

The man says, "Yeah, my wife."

[Armybrat]

🤣😀😂😄

[Armybrat]

BTW - Today is Texas Independence Day!

[jeepster09]

....

:Amflag2:

[Armybrat]

I cracked up over that one!!!

[Bawanna]

BTW - Today is Texas Independence Day!

Always loved that gun, just damn classy in so many ways.

I too loved the shoplifting sign but I'm sure there's some that won't but that's ok.

[Armybrat]

I too loved the shoplifting sign but I'm sure there's some that won't but that's ok.
I’m sure the convicted shoplifters won’t.

[Armybrat]

...

[gb6491]

On my way home this morning:
https://i.postimg.cc/6QPZSD2n/pu.jpg (https://postimages.org/)

[jeepster09]

Puuuuu....ickky

[jeepster09]

Some Low Life Scumbag
Some low life scumbag broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick, I mean seriously, just how low can you go?

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-dfw5-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89375684_221323835936754_461243878016548864_n.png? _nc_cat=104&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_ohc=pdyKTx-D1CoAX-EdkCU&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-2.xx&oh=fb24b47b337afbace91d3ef397ec40a4&oe=5E90F7CC

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/88220536_3014391838580094_2965156906177396736_n.jp g?_nc_cat=103&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_ohc=eacwg2SUI6AAX9JpixA&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=18756412f2817a0b7f70fa16c47c74d8&oe=5E929CA0

[Armybrat]

....

[jeepster09]

Fred and Larry got married in California .

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,

'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room asking for the Vaseline and I think... ...I gave him my airplane glue.'

[Armybrat]

😀😀😀😀

[Armybrat]

.....

[Armybrat]

...

[King Rat]

Use to see this truck all the time in my town. Even was featured on the Johnny Carson Show.

https://i.imgur.com/B0WtfdL.jpg?1

[jeepster09]

On the trail.....

[wyntrout]

In some areas, TP is harder to find... if you waited too long:

https://scontent-dfw5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89728066_10216631470042727_8381977253394776064_n.j pg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_ohc=Gj3FiRR4rSgAX-TmXmN&_nc_ht=scontent-dfw5-1.xx&oh=9c9c120dd53bf71d95f12ba65895b04b&oe=5EA42B3F

[I_Like_Turtles]

I heard on the news about a guy putting hand sanitizer in the claw game machines.

[wyntrout]

Possibly just a dollar a roll... a SILVER one! :eek:

[Bawanna]

I knew this would happen when Sears Roebuck quit sending out catalogs. Guess I predicted the future.

[AJBert]

Now that there's funny right above me!!! I was just saying the same thing to the wife the other day.

[Armybrat]

With the big run on toilet paper everywhere, Clint will lock it down....

[jeepster09]

........

[jeepster09]

Dave the Chicken
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter ..'

Dave was stunned.. 'You mean I'm dead !!!

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground..

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', said Dave , 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster.. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave .

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

' Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've sh!t the bed !!'

[jeepster09]

Mr. Brightside
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.”

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”

“That’s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”

“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”

“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”

[Armybrat]

...

[Planedude]

So, I hear a city in Illinos decided the, virus induced, "national emergency" was a great reason to outlaw the transfer of all guns and ammo (even loans between family) in their personal county/kingdom…

Sooooooo… If I understand this new generation of American Liberals... When the SHTF... You react first by shouting, "ban the guns and horde the toilet paper"!!!...??? Feel warm, fuzzy and safe folks as the worlds future is soon to be in their "capable" hands.

Makes me happy to be old enough giggle at it all and shake my head in disbelief.

[Bawanna]

Amen.

[deadeye]

I am very OLD. Watching with fascination. I'll be fine but worry what my grand kids and great grand kids will face. Such a shame.

[Armybrat]

I read that the mayor of that Illinois town was given “emergency powers” by his city council but he said strongly he was not declaring any kind of gun sales ban.
Someone apparently stretched the truth quite a bit, so he publicly answered with his rebuttal statement.
But one never knows with politicians.

Anyway, short of TP? Never fear.....

[dustnchips]

The emergency powers does allow them to take the guns, but it was not a stated goal in this case. It is just one of the many things that are included in the emergency pwers available. You really need to read the whole article on all things before you begin to believe them. People create headlines that are very misleading.

[jeepster09]

Sales Trick
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Every Fill-Up.”

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, and said that if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were very close, the lucky number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time.”

A week later, Paddy, with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again Paddy asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3, you were very close, but no free sex this time.”

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex at all.”

Paddy replied, “No it’s genuine enough Mick. My wife won twice last week.”

[jeepster09]

I Was On An Elevator When...
There was a middle aged man that was doing well for himself - had a nice truck, a nice bike & a good job.
Then one day he woke up in a hospital half beat to death!!!

The Doctor happened to be in the room when he came-to and said...
... "Well I'm glad to see you're back with us - you want to tell me how you got to be in this rough condition???
The man said he didn't know.

The Doctor asked "well what's the last thing you remember???"
The man thought awhile and finally said "I was on an elevator"
The Doctor said "there has to be more to it than that!!!"

The man thought a little longer & said "YES - I was on an elevator... then this big chested woman got on the elevator with me"...
The Doctor said "go on..."
Then the man said "Well I guess she caught me staring 'cause she said Press One"!!! https://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/icon_razz.gif

[King Rat]

https://i.imgur.com/ka6TyLy.jpg?1

[skiflydive]

https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/89550582_1047012159000560_8631202428781330432_n.jp g?_nc_cat=1&_nc_sid=110474&_nc_ohc=43oMeCdak5gAX9dTZ7z&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=1a10665942ab038868529359dd436324&oe=5E98D0DB

[wyntrout]

This "self-quarantine" could last a month... two... no one knows and stores may just shut. It's better to have too much of most things than not enough.

I didn't have to worry about TP because my normal stock is three of those Costco cases or packages and I restock when approaching only two left.

I buy the Kleenex 3 cases a time when they are on sale, and a few other things, too

I don't sit around and wait for stuff to start running out and drop by the store for minimal amounts. I'm not a prepper, but I like to be prepared and not be running around at the last minute.

A LOT of people here and on GlockTalk and other social media chat rooms were spending a lot of time making fun of "hoarders" or preppers instead of seeing about their own readiness for a pandemic and quarantines.

It has been fun, though, making jokes with those guys, but I'm seriously ready for a month or two, or so.

There are a lot of things to consider if you're going to be stuck at home for a month or more. I just hope we don't get to a "Walking Dead" scenario with the have-nots out trying to share our stuff. :)

[Bawanna]

I don't shop, wish I could train my wife to stock pile just a little bit. She goes to the store for something nearly every day.

Probably good that I don't shop, actually haven't been in a grocery store or even a dept store for probably over a year.

Gas station and Lowes is about it. Don't much even like going to town truth be told. Staying home for a month or two is a dream come true for me.

[dustnchips]

It's probably less that she needs something, but more that she needs to shop. It has a strange effect on women.

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-2.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/90081709_2855850811143151_3690386100024508416_n.jp g?_nc_cat=102&_nc_sid=ca434c&_nc_ohc=8lXd1RRDwD4AX-4U8to&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-2.xx&oh=dd1b672730a6be76da590d535a27f73f&oe=5E9B3733

[Armybrat]

....
A little risque, but here it is...

[Armybrat]

.....

[340pd]

http:// (http://<a href=&quot;https://postimg.cc/8jTcDLdx&quot; target=&quot;_blank&quot;>https://i.postimg.cc/SNMM6rnQ/Fart.jpg</a>)https://i.postimg.cc/SNMM6rnQ/Fart.jpg (https://postimg.cc/8jTcDLdx)

[wyntrout]

https://www.facebook.com/100032221755168/videos/112373516513373/

[jeepster09]

Meanwhile.....

[GROTMAN]

https://www.ncgunowners.com/xf/attachments/6b792998-809c-4235-a688-5647707bcd2f-jpeg.3876/

[Armybrat]

....

[wyntrout]

https://scontent-mia3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/s960x960/90990176_3003737239693905_2178618802231574528_o.jp g?_nc_cat=101&_nc_sid=8024bb&_nc_ohc=5rZ0-qhOTrEAX89eLC8&_nc_ht=scontent-mia3-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=502c89df03af60c0ba75b00e39dc3b31&oe=5EA4B933

[340pd]

Talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder... I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head and I shot her.

[Bawanna]

> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
>
> They had been facing each other for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
> The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
> After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
> The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
> He asks her 'Shall we?'
> She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'
>
> AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??
> I worry about you sometimes…

[jeepster09]

Today`s Engineering Lesson......
Those of you who are not airline pilots, physics or mechanical engineers may not understand these formulas.
https://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/wink.gif https://www.hdforums.com/forum/images/smilies/tongue.gif

Today's Engineering Lesson


https://ecp.yusercontent.com/mail?url=https%3A%2F%2Fstudy.com%2Fcimages%2Fmulti mages%2F16%2Fbothequations.jpg&t=1585435796&ymreqid=c7c07507-1962-77bf-1ca4-e9000101b300&sig=s4jaH_yPs0EYdcDAuoB0Vg--~C


Explanation:

https://ecp.yusercontent.com/mail?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.school-for-champions.com%2Fscience%2Fimages%2Fpendulum_equati ons-factors.gif&t=1585435796&ymreqid=c7c07507-1962-77bf-1ca4-e9000101b300&sig=B4My17ja3JjT3m96pBUuSw--~C

Illustration:
https://ecp.yusercontent.com/mail?url=https%3A%2F%2Fupload.wikimedia.org%2Fwiki pedia%2Fcommons%2F4%2F4d%2FNewton_Cradle_5_ball_sy stem_in_3D_2_ball_swing.gif&t=1585435796&ymreqid=c7c07507-1962-77bf-1ca4-e9000101b300&sig=l1uYfIsMkYES8VhgwRNH2Q--~C



Practical Demonstration:

https://ecp.yusercontent.com/mail?url=https%3A%2F%2Fmedia.giphy.com%2Fmedia%2Fx T9DPEF4nZXpU5fexO%2Fgiphy.gif&t=1585435796&ymreqid=c7c07507-1962-77bf-1ca4-e9000101b300&sig=9H2lqxjK41aeowFy43F8Mw--~C

[yqtszhj]

It’s times like this I think about Itxi. He would say they’re too big.

[GROTMAN]

https://www.ncgunowners.com/xf/attachments/67c3c9be-1086-4d46-92f1-b25b4b4d9e95-jpeg.3914/

[Armybrat]

.....

[AJBert]

^^^My dog is even laughing at this one!

[jeepster09]

Those were good!!

[wyntrout]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a pen!$ he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

[I_Like_Turtles]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, when a guy has a pen!$ he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

That's a good one!