April Fools a Love Story & Everything Else

[Bawanna]

After both suffering depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought, "Screw it, I'll soldier on....!"

[OldLincoln]

Whata guy!!

[REACT]

Am I going to Hell because I laughed at that? Never mind, I'm sure that wasn't the deciding vote. I just assured my reservation.

I'm glad you're doing better.

[pm9fan]

Tom and Roseanne Arnold (Barr) did not believe in divorce and had a mutual suicide pact. Tom always was the gentleman and noted that ladies always go first.

Appears this story is a variation of their arrangement.

[OldLincoln]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a psychiatric asylum. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news ."

"The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied," He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home? "

[Bawanna]

I wanted to let everyone know that I won the Washington State Lottery last night and I'm gonna give each of my Kahrtalk pals a 1000 bucks.

Course I want to do alot of things that never seem to pan out for me so you'll know that it's April Bawanna (Fools) day and this is all make believe which in recent times is far superior to reality, especially reality TV which can't get any worse.

So anyhow enjoy the warm thought as unlucrative as it is. I wish I could make it come true.

It is Friday so that's a good thing.

[OldLincoln]

Funny, but over the line.

[Bawanna]

I kind of thought so too but wasn't sure. You see it as so.

Sorry thetmanski, gotta pull it. You know I love you right?

[Dietrich]

When I was seventeen,I had a part time job as a bag boy at a grocery store.In those days the bag boy didn`t just bag the groceries,he wheeled them out to the customers car and placed them in the trunk.One Saturday I had bagged the groceries of a very attractive woman who I would say was in her early thirties and we started out the door.Once outside she brushed gently up against me,smiled and said "I`ve got an itchy-kitty." I said,"Well,you`re gonna have to point it out to me ma`am.All those Japanese cars look alike to me."

The funny thing was that the dumb woman had a Buick.I guess I showed her.

[Bawanna]

Aw, you killed me again Dietrich. I should be keeping a tally.

[getsome]

Good one Dietrich, Since this is April fools day and I don't have a joke today I'll go with this...Did anyone happen to see Jay Leno and the tonight show last night?...He had two of the Kardachian sisters, Kim and Kourtney as guests...I watched them attempt to answer Jay's guestions and all their answers sounded something like this...."Well I'm like you know and I go and he's like and OMG and she goes and we're like you know like and like OMG I mean O (pause) MG and she's like you know like O (pause) M (pause) G"....I was LMAO at just how stupid 2 adult women or should I say, adult children could sound and act...I'm absolutely positive that you could take two earthworms and suck out all their brains and they would still be twice as smart as all the Kardashians put together!!!!....I'm thinking WTF, where do these people come from and just WHAT the he!! did they do to become famous...They don't sing, dance, act or play music to my knowledge...I just don't get Hollywood anymore and it's just sad the type of trash people worship as Gods....A couple weeks ago Jay had Lady Gaga as a guest alien...She had a costume and mask on that made her look somewhat like the human fly but at least she didn't say too much, probably hard to talk with that much coke in your system....I had heard of Lady Gaga but never had seen her or should I say "it" and now I gotta wonder where these people come from and why anyone in their right mind would find them interesting or the least bit talented????????????.....One last example in the freak show of the stars recently on Leno was some chick called "Snooky"...Well she is living proof that human life can exist without a single brain cell being alive and active...Snooky didn't say much (Thank God) and her interview answers mostly consisted of lots of obnoxious giggling, crossing and uncrossing her legs while trying to hold down a skirt that should have been used as a belt and showing off her ginormus Majukala Ka Ka's which is obviously the location that her brain has shifted to....I really like Jay Leno and think of him as a pretty normal stand up guy but his guest list really needs some work although I would like to see Charlie Sheen on Leno just to watch his head explode on live national TV trying to put together half a thought and produce a coherent answer to a question from Jay....Now that would be PRIME TIME TV!!!!!......:cool:.:popcorn:

[Catshooter]

If it's funny, it can't be over the line. I liked it Bwanna. Now my wife however . . .


Cat

[Bawanna]

If it's funny, it can't be over the line. I liked it Bwanna. Now my wife however . . .


Cat

I liked it too but we got standards ya know. We also have a few ladies on board now and I surely don't wanna scare em off.
Hugs to your wife.

[melissa5]

Well, whatever it was, I missed it. I had a job interview today and then went shooting. Hope the interview wasn't an April Fool's day joke! :p

[Bawanna]

Well, whatever it was, I missed it. I had a job interview today and then went shooting. Hope the interview wasn't an April Fool's day joke! :p

Ironic as it seems today April Fools is my aniversary date at the PD. My hire date 14 years ago. I still think it's a joke.

Wondered where you been all day. You get positive feeling on you job interview or maybe not so much?

I'm glad you missed it. Mission accomplished.

[melissa5]

Ironic as it seems today April Fools is my aniversary date at the PD. My hire date 14 years ago. I still think it's a joke.

Wondered where you been all day. You get positive feeling on you job interview or maybe not so much?

I'm glad you missed it. Mission accomplished.

If you've got a good job, you'd better hang onto to it these days! I did get a positive feeling about it. If hired, I would be working in the Customer Service/Accounts Receivable dept. for a Poultry company that sells eggs to restaurants/grocery stores and baby chicks to farms for future egg production. Along with invoicing, I would also be coordinating delivery and creating documents needed for shipping, vet checks, and the USDA. it's a small family owned business and the benefits are good. Haven't talked salary yet.

[Bawanna]

All I can think of is Napolean Dynomite moving chickens from one cage to another and smelling his fingers. Then stirred up eggs and peanut better sandwiches for lunch and days pay in change.

Sounds like you'll be way higher in the food chain and thats the way it should be. Small family owned business's are good. That's where I was my whole life till I fell into this public sector job or rather the wall falling put me into the public sector or whatever.

Hope you get it if you want it. If you need references just tell em Kahrtalk.

[Bawanna]

Everyone stand by. Ms Melissa is about to go SENIOR!:cheer2::cheer2::cheer2:

[melissa5]

Well, here it is then. Just let me say that I've enjoyed being here on Kahr Talk and especially getting to know such nice people. There...do I win a prize? :D

[Bawanna]

Well, here it is then. Just let me say that I've enjoyed being here on Kahr Talk and especially getting to know such nice people. There...do I win a prize? :D

Well ironically once again, most wouldn't consider it much of a prize but I have been building up my nerve for days to ask ya to be my 4th Cyber wife. I got approval from Cyber wife # 3 (TD2K) today long as I dont forget about her which of course I could never do.

Won't be much of a close relationship on account of I know your involved and I don't know where you are and you don't know where I am and my wife don't know any of this stuff but it'll be meaningful in our heads and hearts. (got that line from Dietrich, thanks buddy)

So on bended knee as nicely as I know how- will ya or won't ya?

Sincerely

Your Future Cyber Husband.

Ain't got much but I'm dang good looking.

[getsome]

Congrats on making senior...Here is your prize, a Laurel and a Hardy Handshake and a Cyber Hug...:p

[getsome]

Sorry Bawanna, I see you got first dibs...I'm getting slow in my old age...

[melissa5]

Well ironically once again, most wouldn't consider it much of a prize but I have been building up my nerve for days to ask ya to be my 4th Cyber wife. I got approval from Cyber wife # 3 (TD2K) today long as I dont forget about her which of course I could never do.

Won't be much of a close relationship on account of I know your involved and I don't know where you are and you don't know where I am and my wife don't know any of this stuff but it'll be meaningful in our heads and hearts. (got that line from Dietrich, thanks buddy)

So on bended knee as nicely as I know how- will ya or won't ya?

Sincerely

Your Future Cyber Husband.

Ain't got much but I'm dang good looking.

Umm....OK just because you are so good looking! :p Can't resist a man with such a nice mustache.

Thanks, getsome!

[Bawanna]

Sorry Bawanna, I see you got first dibs...I'm getting slow in my old age...

Not really, just give Ms Melissa more choices I reckon. I was worried Dietrich was gonna beat me, I actually didnt see you coming. You still got it.

I was gonna court another week or so but I knew the clock was ticking.

I do hope we didn't scare Ms Melissa off or nothing. That comment about it's been fun kind of sounded like was rather than is.

Don't leave us Ms Melissa. I can take rejection. If you choose getsome or even Dietrich or no one at all it's ok. I'll be ok. :blushing::( I'm fine really!

[Bawanna]

Wow, didn't see she slipped in her answer there. Must have been just waiting for me to ask. Sorry getsome and Dietrich, I'd like to just say the best man won, but, well heck I guess the best man did win but you guys are ok too, ya know.

I'm a happy guy. I'd drink a little champaigne but dept policy forbids that so I clink my coffee mug to my new bride.

[melissa5]

Wow, didn't see she slipped in her answer there. Must have been just waiting for me to ask. Sorry getsome and Dietrich, I'd like to just say the best man won, but, well heck I guess the best man did win but you guys are ok too, ya know.

I'm a happy guy. I'd drink a little champaigne but dept policy forbids that so I clink my coffee mug to my new bride.

I'll drink a little southern champagne...Coca Cola. Don't you know that stuff packed a wallop before they took the cocaine out of it. :eek:

[Bawanna]

I'll do the same. See ya at home. Or not.

[Dietrich]

Not really, just give Ms Melissa more choices I reckon. I was worried Dietrich was gonna beat me, I actually didnt see you coming. You still got it.

I was gonna court another week or so but I knew the clock was ticking.

I do hope we didn't scare Ms Melissa off or nothing. That comment about it's been fun kind of sounded like was rather than is.

Don't leave us Ms Melissa. I can take rejection. If you choose getsome or even Dietrich or no one at all it's ok. I'll be ok. :blushing::( I'm fine really!
I`m glad she accepted your proposal.No need to worry about me `cause I was never in the running.I had a woman who was a cyber penpal of sorts and we used to chat often.It was all goodhearted fun,nothing sexual or anything of the sort,but she just kind of drifted away.Never said why and I didn`t push the issue.I think her partner got jealous and she stopped writing.Anyway,I learned a lesson from it.I have several women friends in real life and I find their insight and opinions to be priceless.No more cyber penpals.I gave that ingrate my recipe for molasses bread too.How rude.

[Bawanna]

I`m glad she accepted your proposal.No need to worry about me `cause I was never in the running.I had a woman who was a cyber penpal of sorts and we used to chat often.It was all goodhearted fun,nothing sexual or anything of the sort,but she just kind of drifted away.Never said why and I didn`t push the issue.I think her partner got jealous and she stopped writing.Anyway,I learned a lesson from it.I have several women friends in real life and I find their insight and opinions to be priceless.No more cyber penpals.I gave that ingrate my recipe for molasses bread too.How rude.

Speaking of molasses bread, I still have that recipe and I'll be cornswaggled if we've made it yet. Several times the real life missus said she was gonna make it. She kept saying thats a lot of molasses!

Told her not to deviate from the recipe in one single iota it was patented and a closely guarded secret. If she don't get at it soon I'll do as you suggested long ago and make it myself. I ain't much in the kitchen but I'm really good at macaroni and cheese on a good day.

[jlottmc]

Ok, back to funnies.
Man and woman are driving along, she says "I want a divorce." Man says nothing, just mashes the skinny pedal on the right, adds 10 mph. She says "I'm taking the house", he adds another 10. She says "I'm taking the kids" another 10, she goes through this for several things each time getting another 10 mph, and soon she asks "Aren't you going to say ANYTHING, don't you want anything out of this?" Man says "nope, I have all I want." She asks "whats that?" He says "the airbag"

[OldLincoln]

Okay, now you done it.... I've been saving the best ones for years in a Word doc that's up to 194 pages now. I'll dribble them out starting with the oldest.

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor gasps and raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking him to observe them, for his sexual advice, that he agrees.


When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and he then says good bye.



The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to observe them again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees, again amazed that they are on such a frequent sexual schedule at their age. This happens again over the next few weeks.


Each time the couple makes an appointment, asks him to observe, then has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor and leaves.


Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you asking me to help you find out?" The old man says, "We're not asking you to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139.........


We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[MW surveyor]

^^^^Very good! ^^^^

[OldLincoln]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf, and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

[OldLincoln]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron."

He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit. 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Okay frog, now what?"

The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but considering the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

The man is stunned, but he does, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous young woman.

"And that, I swear, is how that woman ended up in my room."

[OldLincoln]

The Stuttering Kitten

A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students. She says, “Human beings are the only animals that stutter.”

A little girl raises her hand. saying, “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

The teacher exclaimed, “That must’ve been scary,”

The little girl said, “It sure was. My kitty raised her back, went ‘ Sssss, Sssss, Sssss ‘ and before she could say 'sh*t', the Rottweiler ate her!”

The teacher had to leave the room.

[jlottmc]

That one is good. I'll have to remember that one. I have another one that I like, but the grand POObah won't let it fly.

[Bawanna]

You think he's too tough with too tight and unreasonable standards?

Not suggesting you test the system mind ya but I like to think he's pretty easy. Well maybe not easy but he can be had.

[jlottmc]

This is a d!ck joke, plain and simple. WTH, if he don't like it, the POObah can pull it.
Guy marries a girl named Wendy and gets that name tatooed on his um thing, un-excited all you can see is WY. He takes her to Jamaica for their Honeymoon, while taking a leak at the hotel, a local walks in and starts to do the same. Guy looks over and sees WY on the local's stuff, and thinks that's a coincidence. Guy explains and asks about the locals ink, the Jamaican says "No mon, when mine get big it say Welcome to Jamaica mon, have a good day."

[aray]

I'm assuming this is Bawanna's April anything-goes-thread so here goes (true story):

Bad guy sent to prison for 7 years for B&E and armed robbery, gets out of prison, creates a t-shirt with his mug shot on it, and then drops said t-shirt while breaking into another house: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documen...s-thang-601972 (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/turns-out-getting-caught-his-thang-601972)

This guy is too dumb to be walking around loose.

[Dietrich]

I'm assuming this is Bawanna's April anything-goes-thread so here goes (true story):

Bad guy sent to prison for 7 years for B&E and armed robbery, gets out of prison, creates a t-shirt with his mug shot on it, and then drops said t-shirt while breaking into another house: http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documen...s-thang-601972 (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/turns-out-getting-caught-his-thang-601972)

This guy is too dumb to be walking around loose.
As you can plainly see from the two mugshots,we feed and take care of our poor misunderstood unfortunates very well in North Carolina.Looks like he has put on at least 25 pounds between pictures.Seems he was enjoying some sex while he was unjustly locked up as well.I`m so proud...

[kahrseye]

Bikini wax gone ary. This is hilarious. Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p0LvKg5aCG0

[kahrseye]

Dietrich did you see this?

[OldLincoln]

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.

Immediately, Jock says "Open it up and we'll have a dram."

"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."

Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.

Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"

"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"

"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."

"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."

"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up--"

"Aye, Angus, then what?"

"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"

"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."

"Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."

Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"

[OldLincoln]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."

[OldLincoln]

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

[MW surveyor]

OK, did it again, from another forum.

My bad. Durn'd picture didn't post up. GRRRRR!

[Bawanna]

This is one of the best original pranks I have ever heard of. All it takes is a group of kids to come up with something like this.


With considering all the brilliant, devious minds we had in high school, I don't know how we missed this one.

At a high school in Montana, a group of students played a prank. They let three goats loose inside the school.

But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.

School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3

[Bawanna]

Vans on the blink AGAIN.:32: Wife just texted, said she's picking me up with her top down:eek: This could be good or she could be picking me up in the mustang. Scarey.

Suns out, probably the mustang huh?:tongue:

[MW surveyor]

Well, was it the Mustang or........................?

[Bawanna]

Well, was it the Mustang or........................?

Yup. Too chilly to drive with the top down but works great for throwing my contraption in the back seat.

Surprised theres any brakes in that car, she's a scarey driver. Son who delivers me to the sweat shop in the morning is Mr slow and easy. I think he has patience, not sure where he got that.

[OldLincoln]

>> Son who delivers me to the sweat shop in the morning is Mr slow and easy. I think he has patience, not sure where he got that.<<
Might get him started on making grips!

[Bawanna]

>> Son who delivers me to the sweat shop in the morning is Mr slow and easy. I think he has patience, not sure where he got that.<<
Might get him started on making grips!

Good plan but hes too slow and easy, I got people waiting.

I do have a standing offer to show him how it's done if he ever wants to, so far he hasn't found the desire or the time. Understandable really.

[MW surveyor]

I hate it when my wife drives (and my daughters also hate riding with their mom when she drives). She's one of the poster girls for road rage! If I sit in the front seat, my right leg is tired from pressing on the imaginary brake pedal after about 10 miles. If she drives from Houston to Baton Rouge, I've got to sit in the back as I walk with a limp when I get out of the car there.

[OldLincoln]

After 20 years of defensive driving courses and refreshers I am an excellent driver. I first taught my wife to drive and in the 40 years since she has not had a single ticket or accident.

One of the few things my 16 years old son and I agreed on was that I am a good driver so he was an excellent student when I taught him. We did braking drills where he would go at a set speed and I'd call out to stop at the second utility pole. He had to apply even and consistent brake pressure from the call out to stop. He got it and understood the why's of it.

Another fun drill was I'd drop something on the passenger floor and he would reach to pick it up without swerving the car. It's a tough one to learn but he did.

Of course after he knew how to drive properly and was an excellent driver he went to the dark side for a few years. Having survived he returned to the light.

[MW surveyor]

This one is for all you non-PC people. All others, please turn away.

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and w a it for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerag e, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it?"

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush....."

[Bawanna]

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a hole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a hole?"

[OldLincoln]

>> Ees a ham bush.....<<

GROAN!! :)

[MW surveyor]

OL - I just steal em like I found them!

BTW - I think that mr surveyor became visible again!

[MW surveyor]

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

* My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
* The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
* My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
* My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
* I had no control over the drooling.
* Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
* I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

[Bawanna]

A day in the life of Bawanna for your enjoyment.

I get up this am and prepare to depart with #1 son who transports me to the sweat shop while van is in for repairs (again). Heading for the door, mom's phone rings, son #3 is broke down not far from home with his/my pickup.
#1 and I do service call, determine battery cable is lose (again). Tighten, clean all is well cept soaking wet from NW rain. (again). Follow #3 to school to make sure he's ok. All good.
Arrive at sweat shop remarkably only a few minutes late.
10 minutes later mom text, flat tire on mustang.:eek: Crap. No more cars.
Mom changes tire, puts on spare. Makes it to tire store. Tires good tread, but the steel cords all come apart. Two new Perelli's @ 357.00 bucks and Mustang is back on track.
Van reportedly repaired, bad charging solenoid, 427$ and change and it's on the track. Just got back from a 3 hour round trip to retrieve it in a monsoon downpour the whole way with the canadian swede at the wheel for the first leg of the journey.
Mercifully God granted me unconciousness for most of the trip.
I'm home, all vehicles are road worthy (more or less).
And I find a new striker spring in the mail. Things are looking up.

I'll do some trigger pull gauging before and after the install. Thanks for sending that spring ????? Tucson?? hmm I'm drawing a blank....You know who you are and I'll know soon as I remember. I remembered!!! Ok, OK, that was a little white lie and momma says a little white lie don't hurt nobody but it was MW Surveyor. So thanks MW. I'm gonna go do some pull testing. Hope I'm not forgetting something for Tucson?

Anyhow hows your day going?

I'm gonna pour a couple shots of medicine myself.

[MW surveyor]

Wow, thought I had a bad day on Wednesday. Nothing compared to yours, well at least mine didn't cost too much money.

I don't know anything about Tucson outside of it being in Arizona.

Enjoy the spring (for the gun that is). Hope to get out today with Willieboy and test the new striker spring in my CW9. Real life may interfere somewhat and may have to "shudder" go to the range on Saturday or Sunday if I miss today.

Starting to come up on summer here in Texas. Went and missed the "open window day". That's the day that the weather is good enough to open the windows without having to use heat or air conditioning.

[pm9fan]

An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
Irish Bank Robber

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments of silence, then one Irish gent, Gerald O'Brien, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I think me wife, over here, might have caught a glimpse....."

[MW surveyor]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity: applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.





Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag-Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[OldLincoln]

A woman discovered she had a famous relative named Remus Reid:

Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.

And now, for the rest of the story:

Only one picture exists of Mr. Reid. On the back, it says,"Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

[MW surveyor]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt __________________

[jlottmc]

That was cute. Gonna have to print that one later.

[Bawanna]

***Adult Truths***

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
Interestingly enough, I heard a report the other day about a school district that is no longer teaching cursive. Wonder what everyone will do when sunspots or terrorism shuts down all electronic devices some day...
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.

Enjoy life!!!

[OldLincoln]

Gas Station Contest

Bubba and Elmo were driving along when they saw a sign at a gas station: Fill Up and Win A Chance for Free Sex!

So they pulled in, filled up the truck, and went inside.

"What's this contest about?" asked Bubba.

"It's for free sex. Pick a number between 1 and 10," said the owner behind the counter.

"Six!" blurted Elmo.

"Aw, sorry, it was seven," said the owner.

Dejected, Bubba and Elmo walked outside.

"Hey, wait just a dadgum minute!" said Bubba. "That contest is rigged! How do we know what the number was?!?"

Skeeter was walking by. "Naw, it's legit," he said. "My wife won twice last week."

[Bawanna]

A young Chinese couple that met and worked at a fast food restaurant, gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.



'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you fuss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting - you juss ask. So whatchu

want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.



A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.



She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I wan to twy someting I have hear about from udda girls... Numbaa 69.'



More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?'

[johnatw]

My friend Bill was telling me how he used to train bird dogs for field work. Apparently it took a lot of time and effort to train a dog well. After thinking about that for a sec I asked him why spend all that time and money on a dog if you have a wife? You already have her, and it would save a lot of expense buying and training the dog.
He thought about that then gave these reasons that a wife would not work
1. Wives hate to take directions
2. They would complain about your instructions
3. They have a short attention span.
4. You would have to buy them a designer flea collar.

[MW surveyor]

Two little kids are in a hospital,
laying on gurneys next to each other,
outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks,
"What are you in here for?"

The second kid says,
"I'm in here to get my tonsils out
and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says,
"You've got nothing to worry about.
I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep and when you wake up
they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze"

The second kid then asks,
"What are you here for?"

The first kid says,
"A circumcision."

The second kid says,
"Whoa, good luck, buddy.
I had that done when I was born.”

“Couldn't walk for a year."

[Jeremiah/Az]

True story. In a southern Az. town, there was a retarded ( can I say that?) 15 year old boy. He got to masturbating out in public. They were going to take his tonsils out anyway, so his parents decided to have him castrated at the same time, which was done.

When ask how he was doing afterwards he replied," I ain't ever having my tonsils out again. That makes your balls hurt!"

[MW surveyor]

Groan!!!!!